


Keep Your Hands Firmly Pressed Into the Earth

by howlingshame



Series: The Ocean Where I Unravel [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Eventual Healing, Family Issues, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Victim Blaming, M/M, Name Confusion, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Recovery of Identity, Stockholm Syndrome, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy through Dogs, [waffle house guy voice] Can I PLEASE get this boy a therapist?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:27:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 113,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24098053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howlingshame/pseuds/howlingshame
Summary: Part 2. After being held hostage by Hux for two years, being broken and twisted into a new shape, Kylo has been rescued but his road to recovery is far from over. His family is there to help, but they can only help when he is ready to accept it. Ben isn't anywhere near ready to be his own person again, and it will take a lot of hard work to excise Hux's influence from him.
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren (past)
Series: The Ocean Where I Unravel [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1719586
Comments: 204
Kudos: 152





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is part 2 of a very long story. This will not make much sense at all if you haven't read the first part, so you might want to go back and do that. Mind the warnings.
> 
> All-purpose content warnings for this whole fic: explicit and detailed discussions of past abuse (mental, emotional, sexual, physical), torture, manipulation, Stockholm syndrome, loss of free will, mindbreak, PTSD, self-harm, suicidal ideation, and everything that comes with that. Another thing to be conscious of: Most of the fic is written from Ben/Kylo’s POV, which means some HEAVY internalization and victim blaming thoughts and language. This is something that will be unpacked and dealt with over time, but it is certainly rough for a while. Read the tags and make an informed decision before reading this one. We have to wade through a lot of the Trauma Muck to get to the recovery. It gets pretty dark.
> 
> On the plus side... dogs? Eventually?

_“Why did you let him fall?”_

The question hung in the air, spiny and dangerous. The atmosphere of the room was cold and uninviting. Whoever had the air conditioning cranked up so high was probably in denial that it was turning fall again. The one concession to human warmth was the basket of stale crackers and inexplicable pile of dusty plates that nobody would ever use. Technically this was a ‘debriefing’ room, _not_ an interrogation room. Leia had kicked up a stink and threatened to pull the whole building down if they brought him into an interrogation room.

Kylo perched uncomfortably on the chair they had provided for him. He couldn’t help but tuck his knees under his chin and hug his legs. There was a Styrofoam mug of coffee that had once been piping hot and now sat untouched in front of him. Somebody had draped a shapeless, itchy sweater over his shoulders. He wasn’t sure who.

He was vaguely aware that there was a man and a woman sitting across from him, most likely detectives from the low-slung badges and vulpine turn of their faces. He wasn’t entirely sure how he’d gotten here. Leia had been there for a while, but now she wasn’t. Far off in another room, he could hear raised voices, an argument that was only gaining steam. He thought one of the voices was his mother.

They were asking him questions, strings of them with seemingly no pause or break between them. As soon as he even managed to wrap his mind around one question, they pivoted onto another one.

_How long did you live in that house? What was your relationship with Armitage Hux? Were you aware of his criminal activity? Did you enter the country illegally? Do you know the whereabouts of Cordelia Phasma? What happened in the hours before the police were called to your residence?_

And on and on and on. He knew that he should answer their questions. They had authority, and authority had to be responded to promptly, but he was distracted by the painful sensation of a large and unwieldy animal sitting on his chest. Sound came to him like molasses. He felt like his mouth was stuffed with cotton.

Finally the question came that broke him out of his daze.

“Why did you let him fall?”

Kylo snapped to attention, looked at a rat-faced man with brown hair who had introduced himself as Dalton. “W-what?” He stuttered.

Dalton looked over at his partner, a squashed-looking woman named O’Connelly with her arms crossed. He didn’t seem to know what to make of the traumatized-looking man sitting in front of them, whether he was at fault or not. “I said, why did you let him fall? That’s what you said at the house. You said, _‘I let him go_ ’. You’re admitting to letting a man fall to his death.”

O’Connelly frowned at her partner. “That’s not quite fair, Andrew. We still don’t have all the facts.”

“Well, I’d love to be enlightened. Want to answer my question?” Dalton turned back to Kylo.

Kylo gaped wordlessly at him for a few moments. He wanted nothing more than to be able to answer the man’s question. It was very important that he answer questions fully and honestly when they were asked of him, but he felt like he didn’t have an answer.

Hux hanging onto the edge of overlook, first with two hands, then one, then just the tips of his fingers. Looking up at Kylo with a pleading, betrayed look on his face. Asking him for help. Kylo, in his inaction dooming his… _Hux_ to death. That heavy animal pressed down on his chest again. He couldn’t keep from breathing shallowly.

“I… I don’t know…” Kylo nearly whispered.

Dalton raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Mm. In my experience, when a person lets someone else fall to their death, they have a reason for it.”

Guilt took his throat between its jaws and started biting down. Kylo pressed his eyes closed. “I don’t _know_.”

There was a longer silence. O’Connelly spoke, her voice a hair less confrontational than her partner. “We have security footage of the Dublin airport three weeks ago. You were seen traveling with Armitage Hux. You don’t appear to have been coerced to be there. Your mother seems to think you were being held hostage, but the footage directly contradicts that. Do you have any explanation for this discrepancy? Did he have a weapon trained on you that didn’t show up on the cameras?”

Kylo shook his head faintly.

“Did he threaten you in some way that wasn’t visible? Blackmail you, maybe?” O’Connelly asked.

Kylo shook his head again. His right eye had a sharp pain behind it. He didn’t know how to explain to these people what it had been like. Why would he have to be coerced? He would go anywhere with Hux, would do anything for him. He _loved_ him.

And yet… he’d let him fall. It was a fact so large and inescapable that it was hard to see around, like a tsunami of cascading water, towering up as far as he could see, about to crash down on him. It seemed to contradict everything he thought.

He loved Hux.

He’d let Hux fall.

_Why did you let him fall?_

After a long silence, Dalton spoke up again. His voice was hard. “Alright. Let’s try something different. How did you get those lesions on your neck?” His tone held little sympathy, betraying that he thought that Kylo must have had a hand in their placement there, that he must have been, in one way or another, complicit in his own subjugation.

And he wasn’t wrong. Kylo had allowed, had submitted to, any number of tortures for Hux. Because he loved him. He had to love him. If he didn’t… none of this made much sense.

“Hey. Are you paying attention?” Dalton leaned over the table and snapped his fingers in front of Kylo’s face.

Kylo startled and pressed back in his chair, on high alert in a second. This man was getting irritated with his non-response, so he needed to start paying attention, or he might be hurt.

O’Connelly frowned at her partner, but didn’t do anything.

“Hux gave them to me.” Kylo said in a rush, still leaning as far away from Dalton as he could get away with. Flinching away didn’t count as running, so it was still permissible behavior, under certain circumstances. As long as Hux was in a good mood, that was.

“Why?” Dalton said flatly, pushing his advantage now that he’d gotten Kylo’s attention.

Kylo stumbled over his words for a few seconds. How could he even _begin_ to explain… “B-Because, he… because he wanted me to know that I… that I was his. He likes… liked… leaving marks.”

O’Connelly looked ill. Dalton raised an eyebrow. “Christ, if a man started talking to me like that, I’d punch his fucking lights out. How’d that make you feel?”

Kylo blinked, not quite understanding the question. Why did it matter how he felt about it? “F-fine…” He nearly whispered.

Dalton was going to keep going, but O’Connelly put a hand on his forearm. “That’s enough.” She said lowly. “We’re not going to get anything more out of him. It’s clear that he’s…”

“Batshit?” Dalton laughed.

O’Connelly looked pained. “If half of the things his mother is saying is true, can you blame him?”

Kylo gathered the courage to speak up. “Um… what’s going to happen to him?”

The detectives looked over at him. “We’ll hold his body for a few days as evidence, and if it’s not needed, he’ll be buried.” O’Connelly answered.

The thought sent a pang through him. Hux, cold and dead under the ground. “Where?” He asked plaintively.

O’Connelly was about to say something when the animated, shouting voices from the other room suddenly got louder, and pounding footsteps came down the hall. The door slammed open and three people piled into the room. Leia came striding in, shoulders up and eyes blazing. She was followed somewhat sheepishly by the police chief and a man in a suit, presumably a lawyer.

“This interview is _over_.” Leia snapped, glaring at Dalton and O’Connelly. She had been opposed to the interview from the start. There had been an initial debriefing once the police arrived at the house, but they’d wanted to get more information out of Kylo. They weren’t convinced of his innocence, despite Leia explaining the situation.

“We’re not done. We still have a great deal of questions to ask.” Dalton frowned.

The chief spoke up. He had the subdued countenance of someone who had recently been taken down a peg or three by Leia. “Any outstanding questions we can verify at a later date. Mrs. Organa is going to be leaving now. We called in to the States and Ben Organa here has indeed been reported as a missing person for two years now. There’s been… quite the manhunt, apparently.”

Dalton stood up in a huff. “I don’t care if he’s been missing! This man here is responsible for, at the very least, manslaughter, and I intend to get to the bottom of this mess!”

The lawyer stepped up. “Ben Organa has undergone extreme amounts of trauma, and interrogating him like he’s a common thief is not only irresponsible, but unethical. The two of them are free to go. Immediately.”

Dalton started arguing with the chief, and then Leia started arguing with Dalton, and pulled the lawyer into the mess. The four of them stood in a tight group, shouting back and forth with incredible energy.

Kylo kind of tuned them out. He just waited for any of them to decide what they were going to do with him. It didn’t matter much to him. If anybody had asked him for his opinion, he would have told them quite simply. He was guilty. Killing Hux was inexcusable, horrible. He deserved to suffer for it. He didn’t need anyone else to tell him differently.

The only other person not involved in the incredible argument was O’Connelly. She was still sitting at the table across from Kylo, and she trained her attention alternately on the arguing group and on him. She was watching him with an expression that for a long while Kylo was unable to decipher, because the concept was so foreign to him. It was sympathy.

Eventually, Leia won the argument, unsurprisingly, and she gently coaxed Kylo to stand up and follow her outside of the station and into a waiting taxi. Kylo followed numbly behind her, moving his legs but thoughts a million miles away. The interrogation, though unfinished, had already had an effect on him. As he leaned his head against the window and let the car and Leia take him wherever he was going, he couldn’t stop hearing Hux’s soft gasp as he slipped over the edge of the cliff.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Hux had been monumental in his life for as long as he could remember. Hux was his sole reason for living; he protected him, he provided him with a shelter and a life and a purpose, serving him. Kylo was a smooth stone that fit in Hux’s fist. Without him, he was driftless, purposeless. Hux had loomed so large in his life for so long that he couldn’t conceive of a life lived without him.

Leia kept looking over at him throughout the entire drive. Her unwashed, flat hair was pulled back behind her head. She looked as tired as he’d ever seen her, although there was a faint glint of hope in her eyes that Kylo didn’t waste too much time trying to decipher. He was used to people’s satisfaction at owning him.

Leia cautiously put a hand over his. He didn’t pull back. “Hey… how are you doing?”

He looked sideways at her and shrugged. He was sure she expected him to say that he was fine, that he was grateful to her, that he was any number of things, but he couldn’t bring himself to bend himself into a new shape today. He tried to speak, but only swallowed unevenly.

Leia nodded like this was expected. “I’m sorry about that… interrogation. I had to give half the precinct a reaming before they listened to what I was saying. The fact that they thought you were, somehow… _complicit_.” She broke off and shook her head. “That just makes my blood boil.”

If Kylo were speaking freely, he would tell her what he knew. He _was_ complicit. What kind of person would kill the one person who truly loved them? Who knew them right down to the core and would do anything for them? He knew he deserved the worst life could give him.

They were dropped off in front of a nice, upscale hotel. Kylo stood blankly on the sidewalk while Leia paid the cabbie, looking up at the gilt edging and lush ivy and thought that there wasn’t anywhere in the world that looked less like he belonged there.

Leia had to put a gentle arm around his shoulders and herd Kylo up the stairs and through the lobby to the elevator. Kylo wrapped one fist tightly around his other wrist, trying to simulate the way Hux would grab him and drag him around. The tight pressure felt comforting.

They entered a big hotel suite with a small bed and attached bedroom. Kylo stood awkwardly in the center of the room, awaiting instructions of some kind. Leia squeezed his hand gently and gave him a smile before pulling her phone out and making a call.

It took a few seconds before anyone answered. “Rey?” Leia asked, melting in relief when she heard a voice on the other end of the line. While Leia and Kylo had been driven to the police station back at the house, Rey had been loaded into an ambulance and driven to the hospital for observation due to her heavy head wound. “What are they saying? Oh, that’s a relief. Do they say you can leave tomorrow? I don’t want to rush you, dear, but I really want to get on a flight if we can… Oh good. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there tonight. Ben needs someone to stay with him. Yes, yes, we’ll come to you tomorrow. Take care of yourself. Bye.”

Kylo looked out the window absently, not really listening to her conversation. He had his hand in his pocket and was fingering Hux’s ring that he’d taken off his body. Nobody had searched him, luckily, so it hadn’t been taken as evidence. He considered asking Leia if she had a chain he could use to thread it onto so he could wear it around his neck, but he was worried she would take it away from him if she knew. He didn’t think he could handle that so soon.

Leia stepped into the hallway to make a few calls. Kylo didn’t move from where she’d placed him. He still had to learn the rules of how to behave now. Hux had his rules, and it had taken a long time to learn them. Kylo didn’t relish learning the new ones. He wasn’t Hux’s pet anymore, so he wasn’t sure what that made him now. There were a whole new set of expectations he would need to learn if he didn’t want to be punished.

After about twenty minutes, Leia came back in. She seemed a little disturbed that Kylo hadn’t moved from his spot in that whole time, although she tried to wipe that expression off her face. “I’ve booked us all a flight for tomorrow. We’ll be going home.”

She paused, and Kylo blinked, retroactively realizing that she was expecting him to have a reaction to this. His heart rate picked up, and he struggled to come up with an appropriate response. She kept going before he could think of one.

“Your dad is so relieved to know that you’re alright. Luke too. They wanted to talk to you, but I thought… well… I thought that might be too much right now.” She looked at him, assessing his reaction. “But of course you can talk to them if you want. I just, I just wasn’t sure…”

The mention of Han was like a blow to the chest. His death, or his… survival was the reason they were here at all. Yet again, Kylo was confronted by the impossibility of Hux lying to him. The simple fact was such a blow, such a contradiction of the rules of the world as Hux had so delicately constructed them.

_Why did you let him fall?_ There was that question again, and this time, maybe an answer.

Kylo clenched his eyes closed, took a step back and shook his head.

“Ben…” There was that name again, the one he couldn’t reconcile with himself. “Would you talk to me? I know it’s hard, but… if you have anything you need to say… please say it.”

After a few more moments of silence, Leia backed down, knowing she wouldn’t get anything by pushing. “Okay. I’ll order some food. It’s getting late anyway, and it’s been a long day.”

* * *

After Ben did his best to choke down some food under Leia’s urging, it was late.

Leia dug around in her suitcase until she found the change of clothes she had been carrying around for Ben for weeks now, ever since she and Rey had set out to follow up on a few leads. She walked back into the main room. He was standing in the little kitchenette, waiting for her to come back.

Leia tried to keep most of this off her face when she looked at her son, but she was heartbroken at his state. It had been bad enough when they’d gotten him back for a short time, but he seemed to be even worse now. Beyond the old physical injuries and scars she knew were just under cover, the lesions on his neck were livid, red, and seemingly permanent. He had a busted lip, a smattering of bruises all over, some old, some new. It was clear that Ben was no stranger to physical abuse.

Beyond just the physical, his mental state was what was really worrying her. When they’d rescued him briefly months ago, he had been damaged, of course; twitchy, scared, confused over their care, above all desperate to get back to the sadist that had done all this to him in the first place. Now that that goal had been removed, Leia had been hoping there would be at least a small enough chip in the armor that they could make some progress. Beyond telling her where they could find Hux’s body, Ben wouldn’t say anything more about what had happened.

After the initial shock of getting him back, Leia had been expecting tears, panic attacks, furious rage, a storm of emotions about Hux’s death. She had been prepared for him to blame her or Rey or Han. She was more than willing to weather that blame, that misplaced anger, if it would help Ben process what had happened.

None of that had happened. He appeared to have no emotional reaction to losing what had been (she hated to admit) the most important person in his life for two years now. Ben stood limp, moved where people told him to, answered questions when they were asked of him, but otherwise stayed silent. Looking at his pale, bruise-dotted face, she was horrified to see dead eyes staring at nothing in particular. He hung there like a puppet with its strings cut. He didn’t seem to have a reaction, either good or bad, towards Hux’s death. She was sure there were any number of thoughts racing through his head under the surface, but she didn’t know what they were.

She walked up to him cautiously. He was filthy, arms and torso splattered with dried blood, shins-down covered in dirt and mud from his madcap race through the trees out back. His hair was tangled, and his clothes were ripped.

“Hey… sweetheart. Do you think you can handle a bath right now? It looks like you need one, and who knows? It might feel good. Hot water and all…” Leia said, tilting her head into his line of vision to get his attention. She regretted more than a few things from the way she’d handled things before. She had done some reading on trauma in the intervening months, and resolved herself to do better this time.

Ben’s eyes very gradually focused on hers until he was mostly looking at her, eyes still deadened and flat. “Whatever you want.” He intoned tonelessly.

He didn’t move, so she had to carefully take his arm and lead him to the bathroom. Once they were there, she let him go, showing him the change of clothes she’d placed on the counter, and then made to leave, to give him some privacy.

Leia turned to see that Ben was still just standing in the center of the room, looking down at his bare feet, one arm hugging the other, absolutely miserable and bedraggled. “Do you… do you need help? I don’t want to barge in where I’m not wanted, but…”

Leia trailed off as Ben failed to answer her in any way. He didn’t look like he was on this planet. Leia took a deep breath, knowing she was going to have to help this along. She might have let it be for tonight, but if they were getting on an international flight tomorrow, she couldn’t really bring him to the airport covered in blood and dirt. He needed to be somewhat presentable.

She sighed, and walked over to the tub, turning on the tap and waiting for it to fill up. She caught the nervous look in Ben’s eye as he watched the water fill up. She hadn’t forgotten when he’d tried to drown himself back at Luke’s house months ago. She wondered if Hux had ever hurt Ben somehow in this way.

“Did he… did you… you’re… allowed to take a bath, yes?” Leia asked cautiously, wondering if Hux had forbidden him from bathing himself or something equally horrid. She was still sounding out how awful things had been, and she guessed she’d be doing that for a long while.

Ben nodded slowly, not losing his thousand-yard-stare. “He let me join him sometime when he wasn’t busy, but most of the time I showered myself. I didn’t want to waste his time and be unavailable when he was home.”

Leia frowned. The casual mention of the tortures that he’d endured were bad enough, but the odd reference to the twisted domesticity that he and Hux had shared were somehow worse. “Okay, well, I’ve got it all set up for you, honey. A bath will do you some good.”

He just stood there, seeming to have zoned out again. He had one hand in his pocket, and stared down at the water in silence. Leia took a deep breath, knowing she’d have to help this along.

She gently helped Ben undress, moving his limbs like a dressmaker’s doll, and urged him to get into the tub. She tried to give him as much privacy as she could manage, but he wouldn’t move except under direction. His passivity was so disturbing Leia felt a pain in her chest. She tried her best to avert her gaze from him until he was submerged in the water, but she caught glimpses of the pale spiderwebbed marks on his skin and the raised brand at the base of his neck, like a cattle mark. She almost started crying.

Leia directed Ben through the entire process of bathing and washing his hair and getting toweled off and brushing his teeth. He required some urging at every step along the path. He was so disassociated from reality, it was clear he wasn’t going to be able to do it himself. He could follow light instruction, but that was it. The water drained away stained dark with dirt and blood.

After he was dressed again, she noticed his left hand was still clenched tight in a fist, and he seemed to get a little jumpy whenever she got near it.

“What’s that?” She asked, trying to touch his hand. He snapped to attention and backed one step away from her. His fist tightened, and he angled his body away from her like she was going to take something away from him.

Leia kept her body language calm and unintimidating. She didn’t move any closer. “Ben, what is it?”

His face worked like he wanted to lie, but couldn’t bring himself to do it. With obvious reluctance, he extended his hand toward her and opened his fist. There was a bloodstained ring resting on his palm, a twin to the one on his finger. He stared at her with wide eyes.

“Please don’t take it away from me…” He pleaded softly, one of the few things he’d said without prompting since she’d gotten him back.

Leia connected the dots in a few seconds, and the sudden rage that coursed through her was powerful. She wanted to rip the ring out of his hand and toss it out the window. The fact that Hux would convince Ben that they were in any way comparable to a married couple was detestable after what he’d done. She tried to keep that off her face. Ben was already looking at her like he knew what she was thinking, and by the misery on his face he knew he couldn’t stop her if she decided to take away the only thing left remaining from Hux.

She took a deep breath, and waited until she was sure her voice would come out calm. “You want to keep that?”

Ben’s hand shook a little. “I kn-know I don’t deserve it, but… if, if you let me keep it, I’ll do whatever you want, _anything_ …”

She had to turn away to keep the grief off her face. She disappeared into the bedroom for a moment and dug around in her suitcase. She threaded a charm off a silver necklace chain and returned to Ben, who was still standing waiting for her. She held the empty chain out to him. “Here.”

Ben took the necklace chain cautiously, surprise crossing his face. Muted hope entered his eyes. “You, you’re not going to take it?”

Leia shook her head, giving him a watery smile. “No, sweetheart. If this… if this is important to you, then, well, I’m not going to hurt you by trying to take it away. I just hope that someday you’ll realize why I don’t want you to have it.”

Ben threaded Hux’s ring onto the necklace chain, and after a moment’s thought, added his own. He fastened the necklace around his neck, the rings nestled together in the hollow of his throat. He looked at her cautiously for a moment. “I know you hate Hux for taking me away from you, but he took care of me.”

Like he was an object to be bounced between owners, like he was a possession to be won, with no autonomy of his own. Leia’s heart hurt. “If what you said to those detectives is true, then I think you know, deep down, that isn’t true.”

Ben’s face shuttered.

* * *

Kylo couldn’t sleep. He sat on the pull-out couch that had been outfitted with pillows and blankets. This morning, he had lain in bed with Hux, waking before him and spending those precious few moments observing him unguarded in sleep. Kylo treasured those few times he could observe Hux without being observed, when he didn’t need to worry about how to act or what to say or how to make Hux happy. He could just watch his uncharacteristically relaxed face, mouth half-open in sleep, red hair ruffled from sleep, as soft as he’d ever seen him. Those quiet moments, it was easiest to convince himself that everything was good, when Hux wasn’t awake to shatter the illusion.

Then, he’d let Hux fall in a moment, an _instant_ , and now he’d managed to destroy the life it had taken so long to build. He felt like he’d spent a very long time scrabbling up a crumbling embankment of earth, emerging bruised and desperate on the surface, only to slip and fall all the way down to the bottom again.

_Why did you let him fall_? Because he was stupid, weak, not fit to think for himself, not fit to make any decisions. Hux knew that, that’s why he had to be so firm with Kylo sometimes, because the only way he could learn was through correction.

_But if Hux lied to you once, what if he was lying about that too?_ An insidious voice crept in, the same one he would always hear before he did something foolish and had to be punished. Kylo shook it away and stood up in the dark hotel room, wandering over to the door to the balcony.

He glanced behind him and listened hard, but it was the middle of the night. Surely Leia was asleep by now. He opened the door and walked out into the cool night air. They were on the fifth floor of the hotel, and he looked down at the ground far away, thinking about how Hux must have felt as he plummeted to the ground, surprised and betrayed. Guilt weighed on him again. He knew he deserved to be punished for what he’d done, but if nobody was willing to do what had to be done, he would need to.

Kylo stared down at the ground, wondering why he didn’t feel more upset. All his grief felt locked behind a sheet of glass. He knew it was there, but couldn’t access it. He was too preoccupied by the impossibility of Hux’s untruth, of his own inexplicable decision to let Hux die.

He clutched the rings in his right fist, holding it over his heart. All he wanted was Hux to come and tell him what to do, to make him feel safe again.

He didn’t even notice consciously when he clambered over the railing so he was perched on the outside of the balcony, one hand holding onto the railing behind him and the other still pressed over his heart. He saw Hux fall again. What did he have waiting for him now? He had no one left to take care of him. Leia didn’t know what he needed. He had no idea how to contact Phasma. Everything that loomed in front of him now was a great big blank space.

A few tears dripped down to his chin. He leaned some of his weight forward. He wondered if they would bury him with Hux. He hoped so.

“Ben? What are you doing?” A soft, scared voice sounded behind him. Leia had woken up.

Kylo didn’t bother to look behind him. He knew what he would see. He watched the dull orange of the streetlights below. He missed Hux’s old ivy-covered house so much he could sink into the feeling.

“Ben, come back inside. _Please_.” Leia said.

“Why?” He responded quietly.

“Because, because, now that you’re free, you’ve got so much to look forward to.” She pleaded.

He barked out a hoarse, disbelieving laugh.

There was a long silence. He didn’t hear any footsteps behind him, so Leia didn’t dare to get any closer. “You’re not always going to feel this way, you know. There’s so much out there that you’ve forgotten about. If you let go, you’ll never find out. I know you feel like… like you’re nothing without him, but that’s just not true.”

Kylo barely heard what she was saying. He couldn’t seem to explain to her, to anyone, that they were speaking different languages, living in different worlds.

Leia’s voice came a little closer. She had stepped carefully out to the balcony. She was close enough to grab him if she wanted. “I know you don’t want to do this. You know why? Because you let him die. Even if you aren’t able to admit it right now, somewhere deep down, you know better.”

Kylo hung there for a long time, mind a blank. Leia didn’t say anything else. The night air rushed through the buildings with an autumnal rustle. Down the street, a car door slammed and a group of people were shouting good-naturedly at each other.

He thought about the soft thump his father’s body made when it hit the floor. He thought about a dimly-remembered image of Clarence being thrown bonelessly into a frozen pond.

Maybe not tonight.

Kylo stepped back over the railing. Leia fell upon him, grabbing him by the shoulders and pulling him away from the edge. “Don’t _ever_ do that again. You hear me? Never again,” she said desperately.

Kylo folded bonelessly into a ball on the ground, covering his head with his arms. He still didn’t have an answer to his question.

The next day was a blur. Kylo just followed mindlessly behind Leia as she packed up and checked out of the hotel. They drove to the hospital, and he waited in an uncomfortable chair in the waiting room while Leia got Rey all checked out.

Rey and Leia emerged together, Rey a little unsteady on her feet. Rey gave him a cautious smile that he did not reciprocate. On their way through the airport, Rey took charge of shepherding Kylo around with a gentle hand on his elbow while Leia took charge of everything else.

There was some confusion at security over the passports. They had to go to a separate room and explain the situation. Leia talked them down. Hearing words like ‘kidnapped’ and ‘prisoner’ felt so far removed from Kylo’s lived experience he couldn’t process it.

On the long flight back, Kylo stared impassively down at his feet, twisting his fingers in his lap. He felt unmoored, unanchored, like he could just float away.

On the other side, Luke was there to meet them and drive them back. There were hugs and tears and excited conversation that Kylo was not a part of. Luke tried to get his attention, but Kylo couldn’t acknowledge him. Leia shook her head softly and drew him away.

After dropping Rey off at her home, they drove, and Kylo was broken out of his daze when he realized they were pulling up in front of Leia’s house, his childhood home. It had been _years_ since he’d seen it, and he dimly felt like a fist was squeezing his throat.

Kylo was led inside, and when he heard hurried footsteps coming down the hall, it suddenly occurred to him who would be waiting for them.

Han, gray and worried but still very much alive, rushed up. “Ben? Oh God, I couldn’t believe it when I heard, I’m so-”

A combination of the emotional shock of seeing his father alive after so long spent mourning his death, a sudden snowballing of his feelings after the events of the last few days, and the instinctive panic of seeing sudden movement coming in his direction caused Kylo to snap into a hyperaware state in an instant. He stumbled backward until his back hit the wall, his shoulders coming up to his ears and arms coming up in a defensive gesture. He flinched and looked away.

Han slowed down uncertainly. “Are you okay?”

“Sweetheart?” Leia asked in concern.

It suddenly occurred to Kylo how angry Han must be with him. He hadn’t had the time to think of it before. He hadn’t killed Han, but he had shot him. His latent guilt from shooting Han and his all-encompassing guilt from letting Hux die swirled around and mixed in Kylo’s mind. He was all of a sudden sure he would be hurt for what he’d done.

“Sorry,” He squeaked out, hoping he could head off at least some of the pain he had coming. Hux would sometimes reduce the severity of his punishment if he begged very well, if he properly displayed his remorse. There was an art to it, to begging well, that Kylo had had plenty of time to perfect. Sometimes, Hux would be even more angry if he begged, when he thought he was trying to weasel his way out of punishment, but sometimes it worked.

“It’s okay.” Han said, mystified as to what Kylo was apologizing for.

“I thought – thought you were dead. I didn’t know, I didn’t think – I know I shouldn’t have done it, I know that, I, I-” Kylo babbled, not knowing what to say but knowing he needed to say something. He knew he was unworthy of forgiveness, but a display of his contrition was necessary anyway.

Han stepped up to him cautiously. There was no sign that he’d been on the verge of death a few months ago. He seemed to have made a full recovery. “I’m not dead, there’s nothing to apologize for, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

Kylo pressed further back into the wall, shaking. “I know that’s not true.” He said miserably. He was guilty on two accounts, having betrayed both his father and Hux.

When Kylo tried to sink to his knees like he’d been taught, Han surged forward and grabbed him by the forearms, exhorting him to stay standing. “Don’t do that.” He said pleadingly.

The second Han touched Kylo, he had a violent reaction. It was as if seeing him wasn’t enough. Kylo had to feel him to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was really here. He blinked up at his father, tears blurring his vision. “He told me you were dead.” He croaked, trembling out of control.

Han squeezed his arms. “I’m not.” Leia and Luke were standing behind him, watching the scene with white faces.

“B-but… He _told_ me you were dead!” Kylo said, voice breaking down. He had no strength left in his knees.

Han’s face hardened. “Then he lied to you.”

Kylo wavered, face screwing up with emotion. He covered his face with his hands and slid down the wall. Han followed him. “I _know_ ,” He wailed, breaking down into long-overdue sobs.

Han wrapped him into a tight bear hug. Kylo pressed his face into his father’s chest and cried. It didn’t feel real until this moment. The reality of what Hux had done was breaking over him in a wave. Han’s physical presence was proof of what he had long suspected in some dim way. Hux had lied to him. His word wasn’t as iron-clad as the law. Hux had lied. Hux was fallible.

Kylo felt like he finally had an answer to his question.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warnings: self-harm. I promise there will be much less of this as we go along, but he's starting off in a very bad place.

Kylo’s old childhood bedroom had been converted into a storage room when he moved out at eighteen, but hanging their thin hope on his eventual return, it had been refurnished. The walls had been painted an eggshell gray, and there was a new bed. Boxes piled in the corner were filled with a mix of Kylo’s things from his teenage years and Leia’s things that she hadn’t found room for in the rest of the house.

There were so many small things in this room that he hadn’t thought of in years. There was a spot under the window that was permanently warped and stained from him leaving his window open during the winter. A loose floorboard that seemed immune to being nailed down would trip up whoever walked into the room if they weren’t thinking about it.

Kylo had plenty of time to note these details in the week that followed his return. He couldn’t be coaxed out of the room for any reason. The only times he did leave the room were his quick, necessary trips to the bathroom down the hall. Other than that, he stayed in his bedroom.

The new bed was high with a wrought-iron frame, plenty of pillows and an incredibly soft mattress. It was fit for a department store. Kylo didn’t sleep in it. No matter how much Leia and Han tried to coax him into using it, he felt better sleeping on the floor. Well, not so much better. It was cold and hard and uncomfortable, but it felt right. Like he belonged there. He’d only ever been allowed to sleep in Hux’s bed. Otherwise, he was kept in the cage downstairs. It was never their bed, just Hux’s. In his short time with Phasma, she’d had him sleep on the ground at the foot of her bed. It only felt right.

He didn’t sleep much. He would sit up all night, back against the wall, knees hugged to his chest. Sometimes, he’d stand up and look out the window at the empty street outside, but that was about it. When he did sleep, it was in quick 20-minute snatches during the day, when he could hear other people moving around the house. He didn’t feel safe falling asleep at night, when it felt like he was the only person left in the world. More importantly, he didn’t want to dream.

Every moment of the day was held up in comparison to what he would have been doing with Hux. When the sun rose in the morning, Kylo would come to attention, expecting to wait in bed patiently for Hux to get up and complete his morning routine before he would allow Kylo to get out of bed. The little bites of food he managed to force down just reminded him he should be mentally planning the dinner he would make for Hux, making sure not to repeat too many things, because Hux would get bored with certain meals, and would let Kylo know in no uncertain terms when he was displeased. When he sat in the corner watching the sun track along the sky, he couldn’t help thinking of those long, early days in the cage, when all he had to do all day was tracking the time through the movement of the sun, just waiting desperately for Hux to get home so he could stretch his legs. When the long evening light moved across the room, Kylo would press his eyes closed tight, imagining with desperate intensity the sensation of Hux stroking his hair in a comforting rhythm.

His parents’ attempts to get him to come downstairs or have a conversation or eat a full meal were fruitless. When they came in, he tried his best to pay attention to them, but as time went on, the more he felt like he was sitting at the bottom of a very dark well. Occasionally, people would peek over the edge and call down, but he was too far away to respond.

On his third day back, in the early afternoon, Kylo tracked two sets of footsteps on the stairs. He stiffened up before the door opened and Leia walked in with Amilyn Holdo, whom he’d met a few times what seemed like a decade ago. He pressed himself back against the wall and stared up at her, wordless, wondering what she was doing here.

She smiled at him, purple curls tumbling over her shoulders. “Hi, there. Long time no see.”

He made a small grunt of acknowledgment.

Leia turned to Kylo. “Is it okay if Amilyn comes to talk to you for a while?”

Kylo shrugged. He didn’t understand why they kept asking him for his permission to do certain things, like he would say no.

Leia nodded and backed out of the room. Holdo grabbed an unused pillow off the bed and put it down on the ground. It took her a few seconds to get down on the ground, and she winced at the pressure on her back. “Just between you and me, the floor and I do not get along.” She laughed.

Kylo blinked a few times. He still couldn’t quite figure her out. Everyone wanted something from him. Hux, Phasma, his parents, Luke. Different things and in different ways, but all of them expected him to behave in certain ways, and got upset when he didn’t comply. He always had to be on guard around them. Since he’d gotten back, so far, nobody had hurt him, but he didn’t completely trust that that wouldn’t change. Without knowing the reasons behind someone’s actions, he couldn’t properly mold himself for them.

“Do you…” He faltered, wondering if this was a test of some kind. She had to be fishing for some kind of answer from him. “Do you want to sit on the bed?” He felt a little hesitant offering that suggestion. It wasn’t for him to decide what other people did. Venturing that kind of suggestion was the kind of thing that could get him hit.

Holdo didn’t seem to notice or mind his hesitation. She shook her head cheerfully. “No, no, thank you for looking out, but I’ll be alright. I’d rather be down here with you. It’s easier to have a conversation with somebody if you’re on the same level.”

The intimation that they were in some way equals made Kylo very uncomfortable. Clearly she didn’t understand what he was for. He eyed her warily and waited for her to speak.

“Well, I am very happy to see you safe, although I don’t expect you to return the sentiment. I know you must have a lot of mixed feelings about, well, about everything.” Holdo said.

Kylo rested his chin on his knees, making himself a smaller target. “Did my mom ask you to come?”

“Yes, she did. I wanted to know if you would be okay with me coming over to talk to you, say, every other day?” Holdo asked.

“What is there to talk about?” Kylo asked uncertainly. The thought of having to talk to this woman every other day, to anticipate what she wanted and come up with the right answers, over and over again, was exhausting.

Holdo shrugged off her jacket and lay it over her knee. “Well, you just lost someone very important to you. I can’t imagine how hard that is. I would bet you’re feeling very abandoned.”

Kylo was taken aback. Out of all the things she could have said, he was not expecting any sort of sympathy toward Hux. He thought she would share everyone else’s inexplicable opinion, that Hux was detestable in some way.

“I shouldn’t have let him fall. I know that was wrong. Even if he did… I know th-that isn’t an excuse for, well, I know I shouldn’t have done it.” He blurted out, hoping she would agree with him.

“Do you regret it? Letting him fall?” Holdo asked.

“Yes.” Kylo said with conviction. “Of course I do. He was, he was…” His throat closed up. He felt like he couldn’t get any words out.

Holdo’s expression was sympathetic, but she maintained a comfortable distance between them, for which Kylo was grateful. “I’m sorry. That must be horrible.”

Kylo eyed her. “Don’t you… don’t you hate him? Everyone else does.”

Holdo took a deep breath and thought for a moment. “Ben, I want to be very up front with you, so you know where I’m coming from. I agree with your parents about him, and about how harmful what he did to you was. However, none of that has anything to do with how you feel. You’re grieving him, aren’t you?”

Kylo nodded, a little confused by the mixed messages.

“Of course you are. He was your partner, and it’s perfectly natural to be upset that he’s gone.” Holdo said.

Kylo frowned. “He’s not… he wasn’t…” _Partner_ was the wrong word. That implied an equality that had never existed between him and Hux. He was Hux’s property, not the other way around, but he felt like explaining this to Holdo would only prejudice her more against Hux. He hadn’t missed the tightness around Leia’s eyes when she caught glimpses of the marks around his neck. He didn’t really know why they disapproved so strongly, but he knew enough to avoid bringing it up in front of them.

Holdo smiled sympathetically, like she knew some of what was going through his head. Thankfully, she didn’t push. “Do you want to talk about it? Leia told me some of what happened, that you mentioned he lied to you?”

Kylo frowned, that dangerous possessiveness that rose up in him whenever Hux was threatened rearing its head. “She shouldn’t have said that. It wasn’t like that. He only did it because…” He trailed off, realizing that he didn’t have a good answer. He didn’t know why Hux had lied to him. A split second after that, he realized that he’d criticized Leia. Acid roiled in his stomach. If she found out…

“Please don’t tell her I said that.” He said nervously. “I, I didn’t-”

Holdo waited out his nervous babbling. “I won’t. Is what she said true?”

Kylo blinked and stared at Holdo for a long, long time. He’d already admitted it to himself, he’d already told his parents and Luke. By this point, everyone knew that Hux had lied to him. The fact that he’d told anyone felt like such a betrayal to Hux, sent a nervous flush down his skin, an anticipation of punishment, of pain. If Hux was here, he wouldn’t have hesitated to correct the behavior. But he wasn’t here. He never would be again. An arrow pierced Kylo’s heart and he closed his eyes. He nodded, the passive admission of Hux’s wrongdoing a monumental act.

Holdo was silent for a long time. Then she asked the question he was dreading, the same one the detectives back in Ireland had asked him, the same one he’d been asking himself over and over again. “Is that why you let him die? Because he lied to you?”

Kylo swallowed heavily. He could feel himself starting to choke up. “I, I don’t want to talk about this.” He choked out.

Holdo nodded. Her dyed-purple hair seemed like such a contradiction in this dark, muted room. “Okay. It would just help me understand better if I knew what happened.”

Kylo hunched his shoulders, clutched the rings in his fist and pressed it over his heart. His breath came quick, and he bit down on his lip hard to stop himself from crying. “I c-can’t – Please don’t m-make me…” He wavered.

“Okay.” Holdo repeated calmly. “I didn’t mean to upset you. We don’t have to talk about it. Do you mind if I just sit here? I’m sure you could use the company.”

Kylo gave a noncommittal shrug that could be read as assent. He pressed his eyes closed and tried not to see Hux’s body broken on the rocks, the wheezing choke as he struggled to speak around broken ribs as he lay dying. All because of him.

After nearly five minutes of silence where Holdo kept her word and didn’t do anything but sit quietly with him, Kylo spoke up in a bare whisper. He still couldn’t look at her. “I just… I just really miss him. I don’t know what I’m going to do…”

“Of course you miss him.” Holdo answered reasonably.

She didn’t offer any more answers, because there weren’t any. Kylo didn’t say anything else, but he had to admit that it felt nice to have someone else here, even if they weren’t saying anything.

After a while, Holdo pulled out her phone and checked the time. “Well, I’ve got to get home. I hope you’ll feel up to talking a little more next time. I’ll see you on Wednesday, Ben.” She gave him a quick smile and then left.

Kylo didn’t especially feel able to talk about what he was feeling, but the second Holdo left, he felt the depressive cloud rise and cover him like a blanket again. He hugged his knees to his chest and buried his head in it. The fact of Hux’s death hit him again, the full weight of it crashing over him like a wave. He found that his grief for Hux ebbed and flowed like the tide. Most of the time, the tide would be out so far he could hardly see it. Those were the easiest times, when he didn’t have to feel a thing. Other times, the monumental weight would rush over him so quickly it was hard to breathe, when his mind would race so quickly he couldn’t keep up with each successive thought. What was he going to do without Hux? Who _was_ he without Hux? If he loved Hux, which he _did_ , then how could he have done what he did?

Once Holdo left, Kylo couldn’t stop himself from bursting into heavy sobbing, great, chest-heaving wrenches that physically hurt. He tried to muffle the sound as well as he could, but the immense and utter hopelessness of his situation was overwhelming him. There was no taking back what he’d done, there was nobody left to take care of him. He couldn’t even fully grieve Hux’s memory because of that one small thing that had changed everything. He thought of Hux’s cold, cruel expression as he leveled his gaze on Kylo and admitted to lying. _What of it?_ Like it was nothing. Like allowing Kylo to think he’d killed his own father for months was of no consequence. Like it wasn’t the only thing he thought of since that night, that it didn’t feel like it was tearing him in two. The first, faint threads of resentment rose up in Kylo.

The door opened and Leia rushed in. “Ben, what’s wrong?”

Kylo curled up into a tighter ball, bit down hard on one of his fists to muffle his voice. He used to be much better at masking the sounds of his distress.

Leia did her best to comfort him, but he was too lost in grief for it to make much of a difference. A long while later, after he’d calmed down a little, she rubbed his shoulders gently.

“How about you help me and your dad make dinner? We sure could use a third set of hands, and it’s not doing you any good to sit in this room by yourself.” Leia urged.

Kylo sat up and stared dully forward. His eyes felt red and swollen, but an order was an order. He nodded. Leia helped him to his feet. Before they left the room, she couldn’t help but give him a quick hug. He bent into it as passively as ever, arms hanging limp by his sides.

Kylo followed Leia downstairs, trailing her like a ghost. Like usual, he had to grab the bannister tightly to keep from stumbling down the stairs. He had gotten so used to working around his permanently mangled ankle that he barely noticed it anymore.

Han was in the kitchen already, chopping up vegetables and scattering them into bowls on the counter. He looked up to see Kylo and smiled. Kylo blanched, and looked down at his feet right away. No matter what Han or anyone else said, he was sure that his father was still holding a grudge because of what he did, that it would come back to haunt him sooner or later. Getting off without some kind of consequences just didn’t feel right.

“Hey, kid, you feeling up to helping out?” Han said hopefully.

Kylo flicked his eyes up quickly to judge his mood and then back down at the floor. “What do you want me to do?” He said, voice low.

“How about you start with setting the table?” Han said, giving Leia a silent look to try and figure out where Kylo’s head was. “If you want to, of course.” He added quickly.

Kylo hopped to it. There were a few dizzy seconds where he forgot where the glasses were, or where to find the place mats. It had been so long since he was in his parents’ house, and the layout of Hux’s house had kind of overlaid all other blueprints in his mind. He initially opened the cupboard to the right of the sink to find plates, because that’s where Hux kept his. He hunted around for a while trying to find a serving bowl, getting more and more frazzled until Leia came to the rescue, pulling it out of the right cabinet and handing it to him. Kylo took it from her, shrank back, and apologized before moving away to put it on the table.

The hour it took to make dinner was the most relaxed Kylo had been in days. There were simple, set tasks to complete. It was easy to turn his brain off and follow orders. He moved where directed. He preheated the oven to the requested temperature. He assembled salad in three bowls and put them on the table. When he didn’t have a task to do, he just stood near the wall, making sure not to get in the way. He felt a little uncomfortable that Leia and Han were helping as well, but perhaps they didn’t trust that he could do it right. Hux used to keep a sharp eye on him until he was sure that Kylo wouldn’t fuck it up. Kylo knew he just had to prove his worth. Once he knew his place here, he hoped it would be easier.

He didn’t quite miss the looks Han and Leia shared with each other over his head, but he didn’t know how to decipher them. At first he thought they might be irritated that he wasn’t doing something right, but then he thought it might be because he was in the way, so he did his best to keep out of the way. Not being able to understand what they were thinking set him off-balance. He wasn’t used to not knowing exactly what was expected from him at all times.

When the food was done, Kylo waited until he was told to sit before doing so, and waited with his hands in his lap for the food to be served.

Leia glanced down at his placemat and frowned. “Honey, why didn’t you give yourself a butter knife? You’ll need one for the rolls.”

Kylo picked at his nails and didn’t look up. He’d given Han and Leia a butter knife when he set the table, but didn’t give himself one. Hux didn’t like him to have knives, generally. He was allowed to use them when making food, but when they ate, Hux forbade him to have one. Depending on his mood, he might not get silverware at all.

“Hux doesn’t want me to have one.” He explained.

“Well, he’s not around… Here, you can have mine.” Leia said gently.

Kylo winced at the reminder, but didn’t move to take the proffered butter knife. Leia gave up after a moment.

Another sticking point came when the food was dished out. A little bit of everything had been piled on Kylo’s plate, and he looked at it warily, not moving even when Han and Leia began to dig in, hoping he would follow suit.

Kylo swallowed down nerves. “How… how much can I eat?” He asked cautiously.

Leia paused. “As much as you want.”

Kylo stared at all the food on the plate. He didn’t have much of an appetite, and it seemed like an impossible amount to choke down. “You want me to eat all of that?” He asked, trying to keep the dismay out of his voice. He couldn’t eat all of that, it was too much.

“No, of course not. You can eat as much or as little as you want.” Leia answered.

Kylo started to feel a frustrated pounding in his temples. “O… okay, but um… but… how much do you want me to eat?”

Both of them stopped eating and looked at him. Kylo closed his eyes, fighting back panic. He’d said something wrong again. He had been trying so hard to do the right things and say the right things, but he’d fucked it up. _Again_. He had to fight back tears of frustration.

“Did he…” Leia’s voice came slow and cautious. Kylo noticed that she never seemed to say Hux’s name very much. He was always _him_ , spat out in a contemptuous tone. “Did he tell you how much you could eat?”

Kylo couldn’t look at them. “W-well, yeah, he, uh… he would usually… dish me up what he wanted me to eat or, or, just tell me what to make…” Hux sitting at the table in the morning reading the news on his tablet, off-handedly snapping imperious orders. _An omelet with garlic, cheese, and mushrooms. And don’t put so much pepper on it this time. I’ll take some toast with peanut butter too. Make yourself some buttered toast._ Kylo scurrying to follow instructions promptly. “When he didn’t want me at the table, he would just feed me his, uh, scraps, I guess…”

Kylo trailed off.

“What do you mean, when he didn’t want you at the table?” Han asked carefully.

The nights it had been hardest to convince himself he was content, when for whatever unknowable reason, Hux would have him kneel at his feet while he ate instead of sitting at the table. Kylo would kneel silently with his hands in his lap, opening his mouth obediently whenever Hux held out a torn-off piece of bread or a forkful of rice. Kylo never ate much because he didn’t have an appetite most of the time, but he would usually go to bed hungry those nights. The one time he asked in a hesitant voice if he could have any more, Hux had taken him over his lap and beaten him so he couldn’t sit for a week.

“Well, you know, when… Hux would say I was m-making too much of a mess or I was, I was too loud, so he would have me kneel next to him instead. I only sat at the table when I was… when I was good.” Kylo stumbled through the sentence, hating how bad it made Hux sound.

Han was evidently trying very hard to hold back anger. His lips were thin and white. “Well, I can’t imagine you were ever loud enough to deserve that.”

Kylo looked up, managing to raise his eyes as high as his chest. “No, it wasn’t, it wasn’t like that. I’m not… explaining this right… Sometimes he just wanted a nice evening, and he didn’t want me to ruin it.” The more he said, the more he felt like his reasoning didn’t make sense. He wished Hux was here. Hux always knew how to say things right.

Han rested his hand over Kylo’s and squeezed gently. “I’m sorry you had to go through that. That makes me very sad. Did you like it when he did that to you?”

Kylo looked up in surprise, a little confused. It didn’t matter what he thought, but… that didn’t stop him from thinking things, no matter how much Hux tried to slice all independent thought out of him. He bit his lip, and after a long moment, shook his head slowly.

Leia took his other hand. He looked over at her, a little startled. “Well, things are different now, Ben. We won’t ever do anything like that to you. You are free to eat whatever you want.”

A strange warmth he didn’t understand unfurled in his chest. A muted feeling of gratitude he didn’t deserve blossomed slowly. He could have told them how he needed rules to follow, that if he wasn’t given lines to stay inside, he would only disappoint them. However, the promise made something small and not entirely unpleasant squirm in his stomach.

As they ate, Kylo kept aiming glances up at Han. He didn’t understand why Han wasn’t angry with him. He had every reason to be. It took him the entirety of dinner to work up the courage to say something about it.

He cleared his throat carefully. “Um… Can I ask something?”

Han looked up at him. “Yes, of course.”

Kylo picked at his fingernails. “Uh, you’re not…mad at me? For, uh, for doing what I did?”

Han shook his head. “No, of course not. You didn’t know what you were doing. I couldn’t blame you for something like that.”

“You didn’t want to hurt your dad, did you?” Leia asked him.

“No, but… I did.” Kylo said.

“I’m not going to hold a grudge against you for something you couldn’t control.” Han said.

Kylo bit his lip, thought for a long moment. It’s just…” There was a very long pause. “It’s just… Hux would.”

The words tasted like ashes in his mouth. The second he said it, his heart rate picked up into third gear. He clenched his hands in his lap. What was he talking about? It was so ungrateful of him to say things like that about Hux.

Han chose his words very carefully. “Well, it seems to me that that man said a lot of things that were unfair. If he loved you as much as you seem to think he did, why would he get angry with you for something you couldn’t help?”

Kylo didn’t have an answer.

That night, as Kylo sat up in his room, despite himself, he found himself dozing off, his chin dipping down to his chest.

In his dream, he was in his old cage again, naked and cold. He clutched the bars, watching Hux pace around him with a leonine grace. He was begging Hux for something, or possible begging him not to do something. It didn’t really matter what. What mattered was that he was back here, in the same position he’d fought so hard to get away from. He had bled and suffered for Hux to trust him enough to allow him out, but he’d backslid to those early days. Kylo did his best not to think of his early days with Hux, back before things had been good, back before Hux loved him.

“I’m just very, very disappointed, Kylo.” Hux snapped, hands clasped behind his back, eyes spitting fire. “After everything I’ve done for you, you throw it back in my face? You insult me behind my back?”

Kylo opened his mouth to refute it, to apologize, to fucking _grovel_ if that’s what it took to get Hux to forgive him, but he couldn’t. He opened his mouth and nothing came out but a dry gasp.

Hux leaned down and grabbed the bars. Kylo flinched away, grateful for the first time that he was locked away from Hux. “I told you that you were _mine_ , Kylo. Remember that. You’re here for a reason. Prove to me that you know what that is.”

In the way of dreams, it faded away from him without a clear end. Kylo jerked awake, staring around himself in a panic for a few moments before remembering where he was. It was the middle of the night.

He snuck downstairs as quietly as he could, digging around in the kitchen drawers until he found a sharp pair of scissors. He was looking for a sharp knife, but couldn’t find one. He wondered if they’d hidden them. There were a few moments where he thought he heard someone moving around upstairs and fear coursed through his veins like acid. The very fact that he was able to leave the room without being ordered to was a monumental step that he didn’t realize consciously. Going a week without being hit or threatened or humiliated was having more of an effect than he realized.

Kylo took the scissors into the bathroom and turned on the light. He stared at himself in the mirror. He didn’t make it a habit of looking at himself these days. It always shocked him how different he looked now. He used to be a well-built guy with chin-length black hair and an easy confidence. The person he was looking at in the mirror was a stranger. Dark circles under his eyes, gaunt face, long, messy hair threaded through with a few white streaks here and there. He had a pink, newish scar above his right eyebrow, and looking at it, he couldn’t remember how he’d gotten it. The fact hit him like a heavy weight. He had so many marks and scars that he didn’t even know where he’d gotten them all.

Kylo leaned over the counter and looked at himself like he would a stranger. Is this really what Hux wanted? A traumatized, skittish ball of scars? It occurred to him in an off-handed, objective way that Hux could have kept him without hurting him so much. Hux had continued hurting him long after Kylo surrendered to him, which meant… the pain was not a means to an end, but the point.

Kylo stiffened and stood up, shutting his eyes. He shook his head and covered his face with his hands. Hux wouldn’t want him thinking things like this. He’d already said some things at dinner that he shouldn’t. He just couldn’t stop disappointing Hux. Maybe Hux was right about his need to be controlled. _Unless he was lying about that too_ , the snide voice hissed in his ear.

Kylo stopped his racing thoughts by picking up the scissors and holding them up to his neck with a shaking hand. He didn’t want to hurt himself too badly, just give himself a few marks on his throat to add to the mess. He wasn’t creative like Hux, he didn’t know what Hux would have done to him instead. He shuddered out some unsteady breaths, held the unwieldy blade as still as he could, stared at himself. He could practically feel Hux standing behind him, heavy hand on one shoulder, chin hooked onto the other, whispering in his ear with that sharp smile of his. _That’s it, pet. That’s a good boy. You just need a little pain to remind you of your place._

Kylo swallowed heavily. He imagined he could feel Hux’s hand over his on the scissors, urging him to press down, to draw blood. “Would you say the same thing if I had been good?” Kylo whispered, hand shaking.

The Hux-weight on his shoulders didn’t answer.

All of a sudden, Kylo was furious. Hux had made him completely dependent on him, and then he left. How was he supposed to make any decisions while Hux was gone? Instead of going away with time, his bad thoughts about Hux only seemed to be increasing the more he wasn’t there to refute them. Everything was so hard, and loud, and confusing, and Hux wasn’t there anymore to protect him. Kylo was seized with a sudden, irrational anger. Why hadn’t Hux stopped Kylo from killing him? It was horrible, what he had done. Shouldn’t Hux have been able to stop him? After all he had done to keep Hux, he had left him in the end.

Heat flushing his skin, hand shaking nearly out of control, Kylo felt anger towards Hux for what felt like the first time. Anger for leaving him. Anger for not stopping him, for not being able to control him the one time it really mattered. Anger that felt all-consuming and formless and dangerous.

Kylo’s attention turned to his longer hair. Hux always liked it long, he loved to run his fingers through it and to grab a fistful of it so he could turn Kylo to face him. Just one more piece of him to position and handle. Breath heaving in his chest, Kylo wanted Hux to lose something. His hair would have to do.

Kylo grabbed fistfuls of his hair and began to chop it off; great, unsteady slices that left his hair piled in the sink. His vision became too blurry a few times, and he had to wipe tears away with the back of his hand. His shaking hand slipped a few times, and he gasped in pain as he accidentally sliced marks on his jaw and the side of his face. He realized he was sobbing, and had to press a fist into his mouth and double over for a few seconds to keep quiet. He didn’t want to wake anyone up.

When the manic spirit left him after a few minutes, he dropped the scissors in the sink and stumbled back, heaving in chest-shaking breaths and digging his fingernails into his palms. Afraid of what he might see, he looked at himself in the mirror.

He was an absolute mess. His white-streaked hair was unevenly cut to about chin-length again, lopsided and messy. Blood streaked the side of his face from a few slices on his jaw, chin, and tops of his ears. The discarded hair lay in the sink and some on the floor.

Hux would hate it.

With a little vindictive thrill, Kylo liked the thought.

Kylo slid to the ground in a boneless heap, covering his head with his arms and just shook. He missed Hux terribly with what felt like a hole in his chest, but he was also very consciously aware for the first time that if Hux was here, he would be in incredible pain, that he would have been punished for taking this initiative.

He was consciously aware for the first time that he didn’t want to be.

He clutched the rings in one hand, and wished for things to be simpler as he drifted off to sleep, exhausted and spent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a bit of a slow, talking-based chapter, but I promise in the next chapter we'll get some actual plot. Yes, events! Occurring! Moving forward! Healthy coping mechanisms for a change? Perhaps! Stay tuned.


	3. Chapter 3

After what Kylo did to his hair, he was always watched. They didn’t say it outright, but it was obvious that they didn’t trust him not to do something even worse.

When Leia had found him in the bathroom the morning after his ill-fated haircut, Kylo woke up in confusion to her cut-off gasp of shock as she saw the mess. After verifying that he wasn’t really hurt, she rallied her self-composure and cleaned up the mess. Kylo offered to help, but she let out in a strained voice that she would take care of it.

After that, there was always someone around. Kylo would rather stay in his room, but they would coax him downstairs more and more often. Leia would ask for help sorting old clothes to be donated, or Han would just invite him to sit in the living room with him and watch TV. Low stakes. No expectations, no conversation. It was almost nice.

Despite himself, Kylo found that he didn’t mind when Holdo came by every other day. Sometimes they would talk in his room, but more and more, she would get him to come into the kitchen or the living room. Bit by bit, he started to feel a little more comfortable being in other rooms of the house, and just _being_ around other people. Han and Leia seemed to have realized that he was uncomfortable without tasks to complete, so they would ask him to do little chores here and there, nothing taxing, but just little things that would make him feel useful.

The first time Holdo came by after his haircut, her eyes widened at the rough look and the healing slices on his jaw, but otherwise took it in stride. They made tea, and when Holdo asked him if he would sit at the table with her, he did. He still found it much easier to sit at the kitchen table than he did anywhere else.

Holdo took a few sips of her tea and then broke the ice. “So… are we going to talk about the truly remarkable haircut you’ve given yourself? Because, and don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m not sure you’re destined for the hairdressing arts.” She said wryly, laughing warmly to let him know she was kidding.

Kylo reached up and ran a self-conscious hand through his newly-shorn hair. It was uneven and scraggly, but he liked something about it. “They’re not letting me around scissors anymore, if you’re… worried about that.” He said uncertainly. It was true. All sharp or even potentially sharp objects had been mysteriously hidden away. He supposed it made sense.

Holdo brushed her own hair back from her imperious face. “Well, Kylo, it’s an extraordinary piece of work, but I think I’ve still got you beat for worst haircut of all time. I didn’t always have such luscious locks like I do now. When I was in college, my girlfriend at the time fancied herself an amateur hairdresser like you, and I was her lucky guinea pig. She tried to dye my tips but first she had to bleach it. She was absolutely _positive_ that it would be fine to leave the bleach in twice as long as the package said. Oh… it was horrible. Like dry twigs. So of course I chopped it all off. Myself. Didn’t learn my lesson. Half my hair two different colors, the rest of it damaged from the bleach. It was, pardon my French, awful.”

Kylo stared at her. He couldn’t imagine her like that, flighty and disorganized. The woman in front of him seemed so self-possessed, so in control. “You’re… kidding, right?” He asked.

“Nope!” She said cheerfully. “I was a bit of a mess back then. I’m not afraid to admit it.”

Kylo faltered. He didn’t really know what to say to this. “Were you… upset? Sorry, that’s… none of my business.”

Holdo took a sip of her tea. “No, don’t be afraid to ask me questions about myself. I want this to go both ways. I’m an open book.” She pondered for a moment. “At the time… yes, of course. I was very upset. It felt horribly important, it felt like something I would never recover from, I thought it was going to ruin my chances of getting a decent job and being taken seriously. But then, after I calmed down a little bit, I realized there were things I could do to work around it. I look much better with short hair, anyway.”

Kylo blinked, nodded. He hadn’t been expecting her to actually answer his questions.

Holdo watched him. “All that to say is, you might have the second worst haircut ever, but I had the first.”

There was a pause. “Do you want to talk about why you cut your hair? I have to admit, I’m curious.” Holdo pushed him a little.

Kylo curled a strand of his hair around his finger and then tugged. This immediately made him think of Hux, so he stopped. “I… just felt like… it was unfair.”

“What was unfair?” Holdo prodded when he stopped talking.

Kylo flicked his eyes up to her and then back down. “I shouldn’t be talking about this.” He muttered.

Holdo let the silence sit. She swirled her tea around with a spoon. Kylo could hear Leia in her office on the phone with somebody. The laundry machine in the other room was running. Soft, reassuring house noises.

“For the record, you don’t need my permission to do anything, but I hereby give you permission to say whatever is on your mind. I can tell you want to. Nothing bad will happen if you do. Nobody will be angry with you.” She said, leaning forward.

“Hux would be.” Kylo said with a wince.

“Yes, well, he’s not here. You don’t need to worry about what he would or would not think.” Holdo said.

Despite himself, Kylo felt himself speaking against his will. “He left me. That’s why I did it.”

He waited for Holdo to tell him that didn’t make any sense, that he was the one who killed Hux, so he couldn’t now decide that he was upset to be abandoned.

She didn’t. “He fostered your dependence on him in every respect, and now that he’s gone, you don’t know what to do with yourself. You feel betrayed and cut adrift. Am I near the mark?”

Kylo nodded uncertainly, shocked at how easily she seemed to reach inside his head and put what he was feeling into words.

“That makes sense. So what does that have to do with your hair?” She asked.

Kylo bit his lip. “It’s just… He liked it… long, you know? He liked touching it, pulling it… It’s just… It felt like…”

Holdo waited to see if he would continue, and upon hearing that he wouldn’t, continued. “Hux isn’t in your reach, so violence upon yourself is a good substitute. Am I right?”

“H-how do you know all this stuff?” Kylo asked, a little unnerved.

Holdo smiled. “It’s my job to know how people think. So maybe I can help them if they’ve been steered a little wrong.”

Kylo thought about that. “Hux was good at that too. Knowing what I thought, I mean.”

“It’s a talent. Being able to read people. You also have a very expressive face.” Holdo said. If somebody else said something like that, it would have been odd, but the matter-of-fact way Holdo spoke just made it seem like a fact.

Kylo thought back to how most of the trouble he’d gotten into, even before Hux, was partly from his inability to control his own emotional outbursts. “I used to hate it.”

“And now?” Holdo asked.

Kylo shrugged. _I hate that it can be used against me_ , he thought, but didn’t say.

Holdo waited a few moments and then leaned back. She ran a light finger around the edge of her empty mug. “Well, I’m heartened by the fact that you felt angry enough to want to push back against Hux. I think that’s a very positive step, but I’d like to talk to you about your tendency to hurt yourself. I understand why you’re doing it, but it needs to stop.”

This was the only kind of ultimatum that Holdo had put in place since he’d known her.

“I would like it if you would promise me that when you feel the urge to hurt yourself, you would stop yourself. I know that’s harder than it sounds, but I have a few suggestions of things you could do instead. I’d like for us to be on the same page in this respect.”

Kylo bit his lip uncertainly. Disagreeing with her sent nervous flutterings in his stomach, but she hadn’t gotten mad at him so far… Maybe if… “But I deserve it. I’m, I’m not…” He struggled for words. “I’m made for it.”

Holdo’s eyes softened. This was one of the few signs of emotion he’d seen out of her. “Ben, please look at me. That’s not true. Nobody is made to be hurt.”

He shrugged defensively. “It’s… it’s the only way I can learn. Hux said that he wouldn’t have had to hurt me if I listened to him better.”

“He said that because he wanted an excuse to hurt you, not because it’s true.” Holdo said.

Kylo didn’t have an answer to that.

At night, someone would be in the room with him. Long bouts of loneliness weren’t doing anything to help him heal, they were only driving him further into himself. Han or Leia would come into the room and sleep in the bed. Kylo remained on the floor. No matter how hard they tried, they could not convince him to sleep in the bed like a person. Sleeping on the floor felt like penance.

Two or three times a week, Rey would come over at nights, stay for dinner, and then stay the night with Kylo in his room. She would usually bring a sleeping bag with her, and sleep next to him on the floor. The first time she did this, she smiled at him as she bedded down for the night and told him there was no reason he had to be down there by himself.

He still wasn’t sleeping very much, but the presence of another person in the room kept him from sneaking out of the room and trying to find the sharp objects in the house.

Whenever he did fall asleep for short periods of time, he was haunted by shapeless dreams of some formless, all-present threat coming for him, trying to consume him. Hux wasn’t in them, even Kylo wasn’t really in them. He was just a small bundle of nerves adrift in a cold, hungry universe. He woke from these dreams with his hair pasted to his neck with sweat, shaking with nerves.

He wasn’t sure why he was more afraid now than he ever was with Hux.

* * *

One morning, Luke drove over to Leia’s house early, before most people were awake. Leia was already dressed, and let him into the kitchen, where they sat drinking coffee in companionable silence.

Since Ben had been rescued, Luke had only come over to the house a handful of times. It felt best not to overwhelm him with too many people all at once, so Luke stayed away, although if he had his way, he’d be over at the house every day.

Luke gave his sister a tight hug. “First of all, how are you doing?”

Leia smiled sadly. “Oh, you know. Work keeps calling me, but it’s all I can do not to hang up on them and tell them to fuck off. I had just hoped… that this would all be more satisfying. I won. I got everything I wanted. So why doesn’t it feel that way?”

“Give it some time. Everything gets better with time.” Luke answered.

Leia looked down into her mug for a lone while. “What if it doesn’t? What if he never gets better? Is he just going to live in my house for the rest of his life, terrified of anyone that looks at him sideways? Don’t get me wrong, he can stay here for as long as he needs to. But, it just breaks my heart. He should be out there living his own life. He’s a young man, he should be making his way in the world. He should have his own place, he should be dating someone nice and normal, he should be annoyed whenever I call because I’m taking up too much of his time. All I want for him is to live a normal life. This all is just so _unfair_.”

Leia put her head in her hands.

“Ben might not be able to live a normal life anymore, but he can still live a good one. With time.” Luke said gently.

His sister looked up at him desperately. “You think so?”

“He’s stubborn, and tougher than he thinks. If he wasn’t, I think he would be dead by now. He’s a survivor. I really believe that.” Luke said with conviction.

Leia smiled at him. “Thank you for saying that. I hope you’re right. I just… Sometimes, I just want to dig that man out of the ground just so I can set his corpse on fire.”

“On that point, you’ll get no argument from me.” Luke said. “Listen, why I came here. I have an idea that I’d like to run past you. I want to take Ben somewhere today.”

“To do what?” Leia asked.

“I’ve been thinking a lot. He needs something that will make him feel safe again, and I know we’re all trying our best, but no matter what, Ben is going to see anyone else as a threat for a very long, long time. Understandably so. I think… maybe a little bit of self-defense would help. I want to teach him to spar.” Luke said.

Leia looked a little skeptical. “I don’t know, Luke… That seems a little… counterproductive. I don’t think he’s ready for something like that.”

“He needs to do something besides sitting in this house all day, Leia. I’ll take it easy on him. The second it seems like it’s too much for him, I’ll stop. I just want to give it a try.” Luke pushed. They had to try something.

Leia thought about it for a good long minute. “Alright, but just don’t _scare_ him. He’s had enough of that to last a lifetime.”

“Of course.”

They waited for a while, going through a pot and a half of coffee. Han woke up, got dressed, grabbed a piece of toast, and kissed Leia on the forehead on his way out the door. One of them had to be out taking care of business while the other one was at the house looking after Ben.

Eventually, when Luke was thinking of going upstairs to get him, slow, cautious footsteps came down the stairs. After Leia had assured him that he didn’t need to ask permission to leave his room in the morning, Ben had steadily been coming downstairs of his own volition in the morning. They wanted this to continue, so they didn’t push him.

Ben slowly came around the corner, clocking Luke’s presence before coming into the kitchen. He looked nervously around the room as if he were expecting someone to jump out at him.

“Hey!” Luke greeted him cheerfully. “How are you doing?”

Ben was holding one of his elbows in a defensive stance. He shrugged. “I’m okay,” He said quietly. Luke knew he was just staying that to make him happy.

“Do you want something to eat?” Leia asked, already getting up and pouring some cereal in a bowl for him. Ben sat down reluctantly and slowly began to dig into the food. Every bite looked like it was a struggle to swallow. He kept his eyes down, and didn’t acknowledge either of them.

“Look, Ben. I have an idea for something we could do today, just you and me. Do you want to get out of this house for an afternoon? Stretch your legs?” Luke asked gently.

Ben looked up at him, startled. His eyes flicked towards Leia right away, his automatic reaction to wait for his owner to give permission or not. When Leia didn’t say anything, he looked back at Luke, eyebrows drawn together in worry. The prospect of leaving the house clearly worried him.

“You… want me to do something for you?” Ben asked cautiously. One of his hands was clenched tight around the edge of the table, his fingers white.

“I want you to spend some time with me. A change of scenery might do you good.” Luke said.

Ben couldn’t maintain eye contact. He kept his eyes level with Luke’s chest. “Okay. Whatever you want.” He said tonelessly.

“I think it’s a good idea.” Leia broke in. “It’s not healthy to stay cooped up in this house all the time.”

Ben looked at her nervously. “Okay.” He clearly didn’t want to go, but he wouldn’t refuse.

Luke waited patiently while Ben went back upstairs and got dressed, eventually coming back downstairs, eyeing him nervously. Luke steered him lightly out of the house and into his car.

As they drove, Luke kept looking over at Ben periodically. He barely moved, staring out the window with glazed-over eyes. He didn’t ask where they were going, didn’t do much of anything. Luke thought of other car rides he’d been on with Ben, where he hadn’t stopped moving, stopped talking, constantly drumming his fingers on the dashboard, changing the radio station six times in a row until he found a song he could stand. Luke missed his nephew with a sudden sharp ache. The ghost sitting silently next to him was a pale imitation of that boy.

Luke pulled into the parking lot of the gym he’d rented out for the afternoon. It was a newer, glass-and-metal building that fronted the shore.

Ben trailed Luke into the building, looking uncomfortable the whole way. “Wh-what are we doing here?” He asked nervously.

Luke led Ben into the gym proper. It was a light, airy room with floor-to-ceiling windows and burnished wood floors. “My friend owns this place. I asked him for a favor, and he let us have the whole place to ourselves for the day.”

Ben stood in the center of the room, looking small and out of place. “Why?” He asked, still searching for the hook, the rug that was going to be pulled out from beneath his feet.

Luke turned around and smiled at him reassuringly. “I thought I could teach you how to spar.”

Ben stared at him like he was speaking a foreign language. “To – to spar?” He repeated in confusion.

“Yes. Good old self-defense. I think it would feel good for you to know that you’re able to protect yourself.” Luke explained.

Ben blinked, standing there with his hands at his sides, as vulnerable as anything. “From what?”

“Nothing in particular. I just think it would make you feel less helpless, psychologically, if you knew that you were able to protect yourself.” Luke said. He made sure to stay a comfortable distance away from Ben. He thought this was a good idea, that it would help, but he wouldn’t make a move until Ben was completely on board.

Ben studied him from his pale, wide-eyed face. He looked like he was calculating the chances of different things happening, all in quick succession. “Did I do something wrong?” He asked nervously.

“No, of course not.” Luke answered, confused by the reaction.

“Well, then why…” Ben cut off there for a moment. “You want to… hit me?”

Luke’s stomach dropped. Of course that would be the first place Ben’s mind would go. He needed to back way up. “No, absolutely not. That’s not what I’m talking about. I want to teach you how to defend yourself. I’m not going to hurt you. Now or ever. We’ll take it slow.”

Ben still looked mystified by the situation, and why wouldn’t he be? Luke was sure the very concept of self-defense was foreign to him over the past few years.

“Okay…” He said finally, still seeming a little confused.

Luke smiled. “Okay. Good. We’ll just go through some easy stuff today. Footwork. Blocking. Stuff like that. First things first, I need you to promise me something very important. If at any point, you get uncomfortable or scared, please tell me. We’ll stop right away. Immediately, and I’ll take you home. Okay?”

Ben shrugged.

“Okay. Second thing. I know you’re not going to believe this, but I’ll tell you anyway. You have the right to defend yourself. If anyone comes at you with the intent to hurt, you are allowed to stop them. You decide who gets close to you. Not anyone else.” Luke said.

It was clear from Ben’s expression that he didn’t believe him, but he wasn’t going to argue. That was okay. As long as he was hearing it, that was enough for now.

Luke slipped his shoes and socks off, and lay his jacket over a bench along the wall, encouraging Ben to do the same.

Without his sweatshirt covering his arms, the raised white scars on his arms were more apparent, as was how _skinny_ he was these days. Naturally, Ben was a pretty built guy, but he’d gotten little to no exercise with Hux, and as a result, had lost any muscle mass he had. He watched Luke uncertainly as Luke shook himself out, stretching until he felt limber.

Luke took a look at Ben’s stance. It was all defensive, shoulders hunched, feet close together, body language that screamed vulnerability.

“Okay. First thing: Balance is so important. Bring your feet apart a little bit so they’re in line with your shoulders. If a stiff breeze can knock you over, you’re at a disadvantage right off the bat. Stand steady, and you’re off to a good start.” Luke said, demonstrating what he was talking about. Usually, if he were coaching somebody, he’d be a lot closer to them. He’d probably touch them to speed things along, straighten their back, knock their feet apart. However, there was no way Ben would respond positively to being touched right now, so he would keep his distance.

Slowly, Ben mirrored Luke’s movements.

“And you’ll want to stand up straight. Pull your shoulders back. That’s your resting stance. Means you’re prepared for anything coming your way.” Luke said.

There was a great deal more reluctance on Ben’s end to this order. He straightened up a little bit, but he kept his arms crossed defensively.

“More than that.” Luke pushed a little.

Ben barely straightened a little more.

Luke sighed. “You’re safe here, Ben. Nobody else is here. It’s just the two of us. I promise you, I _swear_ to you, I’m not going to hurt you. You can afford to loosen up a little bit. Nothing bad will happen if you do.”

Ben slowly lowered his arms and stood up a little straighter. It wasn’t entirely what Luke wanted, but he was going to count this as a win. He didn’t want to push too hard.

“Okay, good!” He praised warmly. “Now keep your feet planted forward like that, but turn your shoulders to the side to point at the person you’re facing. Hands up, chest-height. Make a fist. Thumbs on the outside so you don’t break ‘em. This is your ready stance.”

Ben complied slowly and tentatively with every instruction Luke sent his way. He looked more like he was ready to stave off an attack rather than ready to start a fight, but Luke would take what he could get.

“Great! Looks good, Ben.” Luke smiled.

Ben blinked slowly and brightened somewhat under the praise, relaxing just the slightest bit.

“You… tried to get me to do this when I was in high school.” Ben said slowly, like he was only just remembering the fact.

“Yes, and I seem to recall you telling me you had better things to do.” Luke teased. He remembered Ben at that age, growing out of his clothes faster than he could buy them, gangly, overly passionate, _loud_.

A look of diffuse guilt flashed across Ben’s face, and he looked away. “Sorry,” he muttered. “I can be… I’m very attentive. I can listen, if you… if you let me.”

Luke cursed himself for again saying something wrong. Talking to Ben was like walking through a minefield. He never had any idea what might send Ben down the wrong path.

“It’s okay. I’m showing you now.” Luke said gently, moving so he was a few feet in front of Ben. “Okay, now face off against me. Ready stance. Like me.”

Ben did, although some of his trepidation was returning. He looked at Luke warily, readying himself for a blow.

Luke put his hands down at his sides. “Don’t worry. We won’t do anything more than stances and blocking today. I just want to see if you like it.”

Ben nodded, body language clearly angled away from Luke.

“Ben, look at me, okay? I’m not going to hurt you. I promise. Do you believe me?” Luke asked, worried about Ben’s continued expectation that he was going to be hit at any moment. It was an understandable reaction, but heartbreaking.

“Y-yeah, of course.” Ben responded quickly, eager to please.

Luke sighed. Ben was only telling him what he wanted to hear. True trust would take a while to build.

Luke put his hands up again, making sure there was plenty of space between them. “Okay, so rudiments of sparring. You have to be very observant. You have to read your opponent’s body language, know what they’re thinking, know what they’re going to do before they do it. You’re good at that. Paying attention, right? So that part of it will be a piece of cake for you.”

Ben nodded again. “I do that a lot.” He offered up, growing bold enough to venture an opinion because of Luke’s praise.

“Sure you do. And you can use that against someone. Most people, if you pay attention, telegraph their next five moves. All you need to know is how to use that information.” Luke said.

“How?” Ben asked, a little confused.

“Well, I’m slowing this way down for effect, but let’s just talk about blocking. Say somebody comes at you like this.”

Moving very slowly and non-threateningly so as not to startle him, Luke took one step forward and brought his right arm up as if he were going to attack. He was ready to back off at the first sign of fear from Ben, but Ben watched him come with nothing more than a wary curiosity. Luke didn’t know if that was because he had succeeded in being non-threatening or if Ben had trained himself out of defending himself when somebody tried to hurt him. He was worried it was the latter.

“When somebody comes at you like this, just bring up your left arm to try and block me. You want to keep balance. If I’m coming with my right arm, you defend with your left. And vice versa. If you go right for right, you could lose your balance and stumble. You want to angle your arm like _this_ so they hit the meat of your arm. It’s good padding. Bone gets tricky.” Luke blocked his own move with his other arm to demonstrate.

Ben cautiously brought his arm up like Luke had shown him, slowly and without conviction. But he was doing it.

“Good!” Luke smiled.

He took Ben through a few more paces, basic blocking, basic footwork. He never got closer than three feet to Ben. He didn’t want to break the fragile peace they had by startling Ben. They were moving slowly enough, and it was abstract enough that Ben never seemed to show any kind of dread at what they were doing. He responded well enough to what Luke was showing him, although it was clear he was just humoring Luke, doing what he asked of him.

After about forty-five minutes of this slow work, Luke thought they’d done enough for the day. They could get to the real meat of it another day.

“So what do you think?” Luke asked at last while he pulled his shoes and jacket back on. “Does that seem like something you would be willing to do? I know it was probably a little boring, but we can get to the exciting stuff another day.”

Ben stood behind Luke, hands hanging at his sides again, former passive posture returning again. “I don’t…” He trailed off a little, lowering his eyes to the ground again.

“You don’t what?” Luke prodded softly.

There was a long pause. “Thank you for teaching this to me. I know you’re taking up a lot of your time to help me, and I’m, I’m really grateful, of course, but…” Ben rushed through what he thought he was supposed to say to get to what he really wanted to say. “I’ll never… I’ll never, uh, _use_ this.”

He looked up cautiously to gauge Luke’s reaction. “I shouldn’t, I’m not supposed to, um, fight back. It’s wrong.”

Luke shook his head sadly. “That’s not true. Hux only said that to you so you would be easier to control.”

Ben tightened his jaw and looked away. His hand came up to clutch the rings around his neck. “Besides, even if… even if I _did_ , I couldn’t… I’m not strong, I’m not fast. I’m weak. If I was supposed to be able to fight back, then I would have been able to…”

He trailed off again, this time for good. He stared at the ground with unseeing eyes, thumb running over the necklace chain. Luke was losing him.

“Here’s the thing. You don’t have to be the strongest, or the fastest, or the… you just have to be smarter than the other guy. You’re smart, Ben. Take it from me. I’ve known you since you were as tall as a ladle.” Luke said.

Ben looked up at him with wounded eyes. “If that were true, I would have been smart enough to get away before, everything.”

Luke was shocked that Ben was able to vocalize the sentiment. Ben knuckled one of his eyes and sighed. “I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m sorry. I just don’t know if I can do this.”

“Just give it a shot? That’s all I’m asking. Humor me, and do it a couple more times. See if you change your mind.” Luke asked.

Ben shrugged. “Whatever you want.” He intoned, sinking back into passive obedience.

Luke locked the place up behind them as they left.

* * *

That night, Luke stayed for dinner. Afterward, they suggested Kylo come into the living room and watch a movie. Kylo trailed them into the living room. He hadn’t seen a movie in quite a while. Hux hadn’t owned a TV, and although Hux allowed Kylo to watch a few things on his tablet with him once or twice, he hadn’t sat down to watch a full movie since he’d been taken.

Han sank into his squashy armchair with the footrest while Leia and Luke took the couch. There was another armchair on the other side, but Kylo automatically sat on the floor, leaning up against the free armchair.

While Han and Luke argued over what to watch, Leia looked over at him. “Sweetheart, why don’t you sit on the chair? It’s more comfortable than the floor, I promise you that.”

A week ago, Kylo would have stayed on the floor, much too uncomfortable with anything else. But now, after a moment’s thought, he complied, getting off the floor and sitting down. He justified it by telling himself it was just a new rule. Hux usually wanted Kylo on the ground, but his parents seemed okay with him being on the furniture.

After a few minutes of heated debate, they settled on the classic movie channel, where there was a noir marathon going on. They sat through the entirety of _North by Northwest_ , Leia illuminating them all with trivia she’d learned through the years and Han trying to stay awake through the whole thing.

Kylo let the rest of them talk and enjoy the movie. He wasn’t really watching it; he caught bits and pieces here and there, but he was thinking about Hux again. Watching his parents and Luke banter playfully, at ease in their skins and each other’s presence, with a friendship that went back years, he couldn’t help but feel horribly lonely. He didn’t have anything like that, and he probably never would again. It only served him right, after what he did he didn’t _deserve_ to have that kind of bond, but that didn’t stop him feeling… empty.

He missed evenings with Hux, feeling like he belonged with him. There were a lot of things he _didn’t_ miss. He felt enough distance to say that he loved Hux, but Hux had never been the… easiest person to spend time with. With a little burst of guilt, he realized that he hadn’t been really afraid since he’d gotten back, and that it was… kind of nice.

Eventually, he tuned back into the proceedings. _North by Northwest_ was over, and now there was an older movie from the ‘40s playing with Ingrid Bergman. _Gaslight_. Kylo had never seen it. His parents seemed to have forgotten about the movie’s existence, and were having a friendly argument about whether it was before or after Leia and Han had started dating that Luke had been convinced that Han and his old friend Lando were having an affair.

“It had to have been before.” Leia laughed. “I would have noticed if it after we started dating.”

Luke shook his head. “No, no, I remember, because you told me that you went on a date and Han brought Lando with him, and I was _sure_ you were having me on.”

“That wasn’t a date. That was just… a hangout. You know, like friends do. I’m going to get Lando on the phone right now, and he will tell you exactly how it was.” Han pointed out, searching for his phone in the cushions.

“Lando is likely to tell us all about the torrid, years-long affair you two are still having, just to sow discord, more like.” Leia laughed.

Kylo tuned out their conversation and just watched the movie. There was nothing else to do. He hadn’t seen a lot of old movies, so this was a new one for him. He appeared to be the only one watching it. In it, Ingrid Bergman married a man after knowing him for only two weeks. He took her to live in his old, vacant London townhouse where he slowly and systematically convinced her she was going mad. He stole things from her and convinced her she had done it without knowing, he isolated her from the outside world, he lied to her and then convinced her he didn’t, soothing her with honeyed words and endless justifications. Kylo was fascinated.

Eventually, the other three finished their discussion and paid attention to what they were watching and the subject matter. “Hey Luke, what is this movie?” Han asked cautiously after Ingrid Bergman’s husband dismissed her teary appeals to him.

“Uh, I don’t know…” Luke said, hunting around for the remote.

Leia looked over at Kylo, who was staring spellbound at the screen, absolutely wrapped up in the story. “Hey, are you okay?”

Kylo barely heard her, didn’t respond. His heart was beating very fast, and his hands were clenched into white fists.

On screen, after yet another bout of lies hastily covered up, Ingrid Bergman flew into her husband’s arms.

_And you thought I was being cruel to you, keeping people away from you, making you a prisoner_ , the husband said drawing her down to meet him with a hand on her shoulder.

_Oh, no, not true!_ Ingrid exclaimed. _Oh, you’re the kindest man in the world! I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry_ …

The couple on screen kissed, the husband pressing Bergman down, a firm hand on the back of her head.

Kylo swallowed heavy. His skin felt hot.

“Han, turn the channel!” Leia snapped, turning to her son with concern. “Are you okay?”

“I… I need to…” Kylo muttered vaguely, getting up and fleeing the room. He ran into the bathroom, and before he could stop himself, he fell to his knees and retched up his dinner, getting the toilet seat up just in time. He dry heaved until his stomach was empty.

Leaning back, he smoothed his hair back with shaking hands. He didn’t understand why a movie was affecting him so much. It wasn’t the same thing at all, he just didn’t know why he suddenly felt so sick.

It took him half an hour to heave himself to his feet, splash some cold water on his face, and get himself in order before leaving the room again.

Leia was waiting for him in the hallway. “Are you alright? I’m so sorry, we just weren’t paying attention to what we were watching. We should have caught that that would make you upset. I thought an old movie would be safe.”

Kylo shook his head. “No, it’s… it’s okay. It’s not that, I just… felt a little sick. Is it okay if I go to bed?”

Leia rubbed his arm. “Yes, of course, sweetheart.”

Leia went back into the living room, and Kylo hovered on the stairs for a moment, listening to the TV play. A detective had come and helped Ingrid Bergman catch the husband in the act, and he’d been arrested and dragged away.

_This night will be a long night_ , Ingrid Bergman’s weary voice said.

_But it will end. It’s starting to clear_ , the detective responded.

Kylo climbed the stairs and shut himself up in his bedroom. Like most nights, he didn’t sleep much. He thought about that movie all night. It felt unfair to compare Hux to some gold-digging liar, but he couldn’t help but think about his own endless apologies to Hux, his transgressions and the neat way Hux had of reeling him back in again.

Hux was a liar, he knew that much. What else was he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know jack shit about real sparring, so apologies if any of that is blatantly incorrect. I did my best. Also apologies to Ingrid Bergman. It's been years since I've seen the movie, so I might have gotten some of the details wrong. Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, sorry about the longer wait, folks! I certainly did not forget about this story, but as is probably not news to anyone, the last two weeks have been a little chaotic and eventful. Suffice it to say, I've been very busy with current events and life and have not had any time to write. But now I'm back on schedule! Business as usual going forward.

Over the next few days, Kylo couldn’t stop thinking about that movie he’d seen. In the moment, it had quite an effect on him. In some dim, far-away way, he had begun to realize to some extent what Hux had done to him. At this point, it was still a dull thought, floating far away from him. He knew that Hux had lied to him, and by extension, that meant that he had, in some way, manipulated him. Kylo didn’t know how much or how often, but… the thought was there, and it wasn’t going away, no matter how much it distressed him.

The next time Holdo came to visit, Kylo decided to bring it up. He’d been thinking for days about it, running it over and over in his mind. He needed to know what somebody else thought.

This time, they were sitting in the dining room, with the glass doors to the patio open. It was a relatively warm day for the season. Holdo had tried to coax him outside, but that was one step too far. It was still too soon.

“So what have you been up to?” Holdo asked, hands busy at work darning some holes in secondhand clothes she’d brought along. She had caught on to the fact that Kylo got a little twitchy and nervous when her full attention was on him. She had adjusted to bringing little projects along, so that he didn’t feel like she was laser focused on him.

Kylo picked at the hem of his shirt. “Um, Luke’s been… teaching me how to spar. Or, starting to, at least. I’m not… not very good at it.”

Holdo nodded, smiling a little. Kylo suspected that she already knew everything he had been up to, that she was being informed, but she didn’t rub this knowledge in his face. He appreciated that. “Good. It’s good to get a little exercise. I think that’s a healthy thing to do. How do you feel about it?” She said.

Kylo shrugged, looked down at the ground. “It’s okay. I just don’t want to waste Luke’s time learning something I won’t use.”

“Oh, I’m sure you’re not wasting his time. He likes spending time with you. That can’t be a waste.” Holdo smiled, looking up from her work. “What I really meant though, is does it make you nervous at all? Uncomfortable? It’s understandable if it does, of course.”

Kylo wasn’t sure what she meant for a moment, and then a strong sense-memory of a fist colliding with his stomach struck him. He shuddered for a moment. He closed his eyes, staying still until he felt he was under control again.

“No, it’s not… It’s not the same. Luke hasn’t even touched me. It’s just a lot of, uh, footwork. Kind of the same moves over and over. Not that I don’t appreciate everything he’s doing.” Kylo hastened to add, in case he sounded ungrateful.

Holdo nodded. “Okay, good. Please let me know if that changes.”

There were a few minutes of silence as Holdo went back to her darning. She let the silence sit, knowing that it usually took quite a bit of time for Kylo to work up the courage to speak.

“They let me watch a movie a few nights ago.” Kylo started tentatively.

Holdo didn’t look up. She was doing a complicated looking stitch that required most of her attention. “Oh? Which one?”

“It was old. It was called _Gaslight_?” Kylo said.

Holdo put the knitting down and gave Kylo her full attention. “I’m very familiar. What did you think of it?”

Kylo broke eye contact with her, looked down at his feet again. He shrugged defensively. “I don’t know… It was… strange.”

“In what way?” Holdo asked gently.

Kylo bit his lip and smoothed the carpet back and forth a few times with the heel of his foot. “It just… It kind of reminded me of… of Hux.”

He looked up at her carefully to judge her reaction. She looked curious, but not angry or disgusted. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Um… It’s just that… the husband in the movie, he, he kept lying to her, and doing all these things to make her… not trust herself, and turning her around until she… she forgave him. And she did, every time.” The more he spoke, the more Kylo could feel his gorge rising. A panicky flush crossed his skin, like it did whenever he even got close to criticizing Hux. “It was just weird seeing it… seeing that… from more of a…” He waved his hand vaguely. “A different perspective, I guess…”

“Did you think the husband in the movie was treating her unfairly?” Holdo asked carefully.

Kylo stared off at nothing for a good, long while. When he finally spoke again, he wasn’t really answering her question. “When we kissed for the first time, I… I started it. Hux gave me some whiskey, which I thought was weird, because he didn’t really like me to drink. I don’t know why, he never told me… But we were just sitting in the living room, and everything felt nice. Good. _Easy_. Things were never easy with- with him. I know that’s horrible of me to say, but sometimes I just wanted… I don’t know… I just wanted him to be _nice_ to me. Hux always expected a lot out of me, and that’s okay, but I didn’t understand why we couldn’t just _be_ together, like normal couples.

“But that night, that’s what we did. We shared a drink together, and Hux was lying back on the couch with his eyes closed, and I just couldn’t believe how relaxed he looked. And it was easy, and nice, just like I wanted, so I… I kissed him. He kissed me back.” Kylo trailed off.

Holdo was giving him her undivided attention now. “Did you like it?”

Kylo swallowed a lump in his throat, remembering how warm Hux’s skin had been, how his breath tasted like mint and whiskey, how the light in the room seemed to have been swaying from side to side. “For a second. For a second it was the greatest feeling in the world. I really felt like… I really felt like he loved me.” Kylo’s voice broke, and he brushed away tears.

“But then?” Holdo asked.

“But then he started pulling me down onto him, and it was like I suddenly remembered how afraid I was, how, how _impossible_ this all was, and I, I panicked. I was so scared, I thought he was going to be mad at me for pushing him away, but instead he was just so happy I’d kissed him that he, he brought me to bed with him. I didn’t know…” Kylo broke off.

Holdo ran her finger down the table. “And you weren’t relieved? That he was happy with you?”

Kylo pressed the point of his finger sharply into the pulse point of his wrist. The pain centered him a little bit. He felt that shaky, loose feeling he was so familiar with, that meant he was about to say or do something he shouldn’t. With a revelation that felt almost painful in its intensity, he remembered very clearly how afraid he had been that night, how relatively clear-headed he had been. He’d known when Hux pulled him into a warm embrace and soothed him that he was in trouble. That was one of the last times he’d been so clear-headed. The reminder of this version of himself, the rebellious, duplicitous thing that Hux had spent so much time trying to subdue, made him feel queasy.

“Hux told me that he wouldn’t ever force me. In, in bed, you know. That was very important to him. He didn’t, I guess. It wasn’t like… it wasn’t like you and my parents think… He didn’t just…” Kylo swallowed heavily, uncomfortable images flashing across his mind. _Hux, shoving his head down, pulling his hips up, snapping at him to keep his hands where they were, not to move_. That didn’t come until later. “He didn’t even touch me, for a long time. Not like… not like that, anyway. He was very patient.”

Holdo looked at him with a steady, non-judgmental gaze. “But that changed after the kiss?”

Kylo bit his lip and shut his eyes, trying to stop the shaking he could feel starting up again. That had been the night he made the worst decision of his life, to try and run away. His crooked ankle throbbed. “A lot of things changed after that.” He croaked.

“And you knew they would, and that’s why you were so worried about kissing him.” Holdo said, flat eyes somehow reassuring.

Kylo shrugged in awkward assent. “He convinced me it was fine. He – he said all this stuff to calm me down. He was really good at that… He always knew the right thing to say to… to convince me to, to just… do what he said. And I never could figure out how to, to disagree with him.”

The ever present, heavy weight that just felt more and more like Hux pressed warningly around his throat. Kylo felt his breath come shallow. _Careful what you say, dear. You know it’s not good for you to argue with me,_ Hux whispered in his ear.

“He reeled you back in, and you felt helpless to fight against it. Is that it?” Holdo added gently.

The heavy weight around his throat tightened. Kylo nodded slowly, heart knocking against his ribs. “It was just like… in the movie. It was the exact same. But, in the movie, she… she knew he was lying, by the end. I never did. I was just too s-stupid to figure it out.”

“That sounds like something Hux would say, not something you really believe.” Holdo said.

Kylo shook his head, fighting back a hysterical sound. Holdo knew a lot, but she didn’t understand the depths of self-loathing that had taken up residence in Kylo’s head. He finally managed to look at her. “If what you’re saying is true, and I… I guess I think… I don’t know… I think you’re right about, about some things… How could I have let him to do all that stuff to me?”

Like saying the words had triggered choking pressure around his neck, Kylo doubled over in his chair, wheezing a little bit. The panic attack swirled and settled. Sound came to him from far away, and he could feel a light hand running soothingly down his back. Sharp phantom pain raced all the way down his leg.

The heavy weight felt like it was pushing him down to the ground. It almost felt like Hux was behind him, chest pushing into his back, tight grip around his throat. _You’re going to shut your mouth, Kylo, or I’ll shut it for you_ , the voice hissed.

Kylo whimpered and pressed his hands over his eyes. “ _Sorry. I’m sorry. I won’t say anything! Sorry._ ” He croaked.

For a few minutes, the choking pressure and weight only got worse and worse, but after a certain time, the pain lessened enough until sound came rushing back into the room. He could hear Holdo somewhere next to him, soothing, neutral platitudes that served as enough to ground him. Eventually, Kylo managed to sit up and look at her.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” He said, a little breathless from the panic attack.

Holdo was as impassive as ever. “That’s fine, Ben. Would you like some water or anything?”

Kylo suddenly realized how dry his throat was. He nodded. “Please.” As he waited for her to find the glasses and fill it at the sink, he found himself rubbing his bad ankle absently. He was thinking about his escape attempt again, usually a topic he liked to avoid. Usually, when he did, he would think about the immediate aftermath, the harshest punishment he thought Hux had ever given him. This time, however, his mind was swirling around his reasons for running in the first place.

Holdo returned and pressed the cool glass of water into his hand before sitting down. It was enough to ground him. They sat in silence for a few minutes.

Holdo glanced at her watch. “Well, I have to go in a few minutes, but I want to bring one thing up. Just something for you to think about until the next time I see you. Okay?”

Kylo shrugged.

“Do you know what Stockholm syndrome is?” Holdo asked.

Kylo glanced sharply at her before answering. “I mean… yeah…”

“What do you know about it?”

“Uh… It’s like when hostages start sympathizing with their captors.” Kylo said uncertainly, not liking where this was going.

“And what do you think about it when it comes to you?” Holdo asked.

Amazing himself, Kylo actually felt a thread of anger. “What? You think… _me_?”

“Do you not agree?” Holdo asked.

“ _No!_ That’s not, that’s not the same thing at all!” Kylo said.

“Why not?”

Kylo struggled for words for a few moments. “Well, it’s not, I’m not, Hux didn’t rob a _bank_ or something. And I wasn’t a _hostage_. It’s completely different. We were in love. You don’t get it. You weren’t there.”

Holdo backed off a little bit, taken aback by the sudden passion Kylo was exhibiting. She had evidently struck a nerve. “Okay, you’re right. I wasn’t there. I don’t need you to agree with me. I just want you to think about it. That’s all I’m asking. But I think we can both agree that you were under a lot of stress. And minds under stress can start to flip things around with you even knowing. Start seeing harm as help. Pain as comfort. If you really think about it, I think you can understand why my mind went down that route.”

Kylo had his arms folded. He felt on the defensive. “It’s not the same thing. That’s for when the, the c-captor doesn’t care for them. Hux cared about me. He loved me.” He said adamantly.

Holdo nodded. “Okay. Like I said, it’s just something to think about. Can you do that?”

Kylo shrugged angrily and looked away. For the first time since he’d met her, he wanted Holdo to leave. “I guess.”

After that, there wasn’t much conversation, and Holdo left twenty minutes later. Despite himself, Kylo couldn’t help thinking about what she’d said for the rest of the day.

* * *

The fifth time Luke took him sparring, Rey came along. They had been going about twice a week, and Kylo had pretty much settled into the routine. When they had started, he’d been worried about many various things. Leaving the house, for one, pleasing Luke when he wasn’t entirely sure what the objective of their sparring would be, his general discomfort with the concept of fighting at all. However, the more they did it, the more okay it seemed. They weren’t really _fighting_ , they were just practicing slow footwork and blocking. Luke never touched him, they never moved fast enough that it would make him uncomfortable. This all seemed fairly abstract. Kylo didn’t quite understand the point of doing it, but as long as it stayed this low-stakes, he was fine.

Beyond the footwork, Luke had also been asking him to do a few push-ups and sit-ups with him every day. Kylo was shocked at how weak he really was. To begin with, he couldn’t even manage one real push-up. He got halfway down, and his arms started shaking from the strain until he collapsed onto the floor. He couldn’t do a sit-up without pushing with his arms too.

Something about the extent of his physical frailty shocked him, managed to penetrate the general fog and confusion in his mind. Perhaps because it was so black-and-white, such a stark marker of how much he had changed since meeting Hux. Before all this, it wasn’t like he was at the gym every day or anything, but he’d go for runs a few times a week, and knew he was fairly fit. While he waited for Luke to set up, he looked down dully at his crooked ankle. His running days were well behind him for good.

For the first time, Kylo thought about yet another way Hux had controlled him that he hadn’t consciously noticed until now. At the beginning, Kylo probably could have fought off Hux if he’d been given half a chance. He was taller than Hux, bigger than him, but he’d never been given a chance. He’d been locked in that cage too small to really move around in and tied up at every opportunity until he was not only mentally but physically beat down that he didn’t pose a threat to Hux any longer. Weeks of immobility in the cage did the work, as well as the fact that he never left the bounds of the house. Hux consistently fed him less than he needed, never enough to truly starve him, but just enough to keep him weak enough. Weak enough to control. Weak enough to change.

These things occurred to Kylo almost for the first time. They weren’t welcome thoughts, but they just added to the pile that had been accumulating over the past couple weeks. The fact that he was even allowed to have these thoughts at all was discomfiting, but the longer he went without being punished for it, the more he began to wonder.

Kylo was interrupted from his musings when Luke clapped his hands together decisively. Kylo jumped a little and came to attention. Rey was already warming up in the corner, her shoes off and bulky jacket hanging over a chair. It was like this was the first time Kylo realized she was here. They’d driven the whole way to the gym, but he hadn’t paid her any mind until now.

Luke and Rey came over to where Kylo was sitting on the bench, hands folded patiently in his lap. “So I thought Rey could come help us out today.”

Rey punched Luke lightly on the shoulder, bouncing on her feet a little with comfortable energy. “Nah, I came along so I could show this old man what’s what.”

Kylo watched as Luke smiled fondly and shook his head. He realized that Rey had more of a comfortable bond with his uncle than he did. They were both so similar; easy energy, easy smiles, that solid fighter’s stance that showed they were ready to throw down at any opportunity, but they had enough moral fortitude behind it that they would never go too far. In comparison with them, he was lanky and uncoordinated. He was very clearly the odd man out here, for more reasons than he could count.

“I thought it might be helpful for you if you could see some of this in action. It might be, you know, a little soon for you, so Rey volunteered to help demonstrate.” Luke said.

“Okay…” Kylo answered. He wondered briefly if he’d done something wrong, and that’s why Luke had to bring Rey in.

Rey gave him a sad smile before joining Luke in the middle of the room. This was the same way she’d been looking at him since he’d gotten back. For some reason, it felt different when Rey looked at him like that than when his parents did. Maybe it was because they’d been friends before all this, maybe because under normal circumstances they’d be equals. He didn’t know. It occurred to him for the first time that maybe the person he was now was somehow shameful. The thought sent uncomfortable squirming in his stomach.

Kylo watched attentively as Luke and Rey went through a few paces similar to the ones he’d been learning with Luke already. The difference was that Rey was much quicker, her movements more efficient. She and Luke moved together as a unit in a way that Kylo didn’t think he would ever be able to achieve. If Luke wanted him to be able to do things like this, he was going to be sorely disappointed.

Every time Luke’s strike came down towards Rey, she parried it easily, twisting nimbly back and forth and never missing a step. She was untouchable. Kylo suddenly longed for that same invulnerability. He was always too open, too emotional, too pliable. He was ever available for anyone around to take him and move him however he wanted. He was starting to realize that maybe he didn’t want that anymore.

After about twenty minutes, the pair stopped, a little out of breath. Rey came up to Kylo and sat down next to him. “Well? What do you think? Do you want to give it a shot? Way slower, of course. But you could do it with me.” She smiled.

Kylo frowned and looked over at Luke for a moment. “Why not with you?”

Luke rubbed the back of his neck and searched for words for a moment. “Well, I thought that… you’re ready to move on a little bit. We can take you into real blocking. And we thought that… the first time you do it probably shouldn’t be with… well, a man. I thought it might be better for you with a woman. At least to start.”

“Not that Luke is all that intimidating, but, you know.” Rey laughed a little self-consciously.

Kylo flicked his eyes back and forth between Luke and Rey in confusion, trying to parse what they were saying. “I don’t understand.” He said.

“We thought you would be less afraid of me, that it would bring back fewer bad memories.” Rey said, touching his arm lightly.

Kylo blinked. “Oh,” he said, just to agree. He didn’t really understand the sentiment. Hux being a man didn’t really have anything to do with it. Phasma had contributed to his subjugation just as much, and if he were thinking about it objectively, she was much more intimidating on just a physical level than Hux was.

“Do you maybe want to give it a shot?” Rey asked.

Kylo shrugged and stood up. If he was making them happy, he’d do anything.

Rey led him to the center of the room. Luke took up a position a few feet away, just to help direct them. Rey gave him a bright smile before shaking out her muscles a little bit.

“Okay, Ben. I want you to come at me. Right at my face. I’ll block you. We’ll do it slow. Real slow.” Rey encouraged him, standing with her hands down, ready for an attack.

Kylo stood there limply, hands at his sides. “You want me to… attack you?” He said slowly.

Rey nodded. “Yeah. It’s not for real. You’re not going to hurt me. Just really slow, and I’ll block you. Promise.”

Kylo’s heartbeat ratcheted up a little bit. He looked over at Luke, who was standing by, watching curiously. “I… I can’t do that.” Kylo said a little nervously.

“Sure you can. It’s totally fine! It’s just practice.” Rey said, not moving from her spot.

Kylo took a step back, shaking his head. “I can’t do that.” He repeated insistently. His mind started racing ahead of him. What if they made him do it? He didn’t think he would be able to bring himself to go on the offensive, nut neither could he disobey a direct order. The contradiction was enough to make him a little dizzy.

Luke stepped in, seeing how it was going. “Okay, okay. We’re not going to do that. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Ben. We’ll stop. It’s too much too soon. Understood.”

Kylo looked at Luke, relieved despite himself. “If, if you want me to do it, I’ll do it. I’ll do anything you want, it’s just, I don’t know if I…”

Luke put up a hand. “No, no. Don’t worry about it. It was a bad idea. You’re not ready. We’ll do something else. You’re totally fine.”

Kylo stopped in his tracks, spiraling away from discomfort of doing something forbidden to the discomfort of refusing something. He looked back at Rey, trying to salvage the situation. “If, um, if you want, you can attack me. That’s okay with me.” Even as he said it, he was thinking that when Rey tried to hit him, he wouldn’t defend himself. He would be lying to himself if he thought he didn’t, in some twisted way, miss the simplicity of being hit. The lines were clear, black-and-white, the message impossible to misunderstand.

Luke and Rey nearly jumped over themselves to shoot that idea down. “No, no. We’re not doing that.”

Luke blew out a frustrated breath and thought for a second. “I have another idea. Ben, how would you feel about practicing on a punching bag? It’s not as good as a person, of course, but you’ll still be able to get a little practice in with some contact.”

Kylo shrugged. “Okay.”

As Luke disappeared to the back room to find an appropriate punching bag, Rey sidled up next to Kylo.

“Hey, you okay?” She asked in concern.

Kylo looked at her in confusion. “Yes, of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Rey looked like she was searching for words. “I just… haven’t seen you very much lately. I mean, I’ve been over to the house, but we haven’t… you know… just _talked_.”

“I’m sorry.” Kylo said, not sure what the correct response here was.

Rey looked like she wanted to move closer and then thought better of it. “You don’t have to apologize to me, Ben. I just… I miss hanging out with you. Shooting the shit, you know. Just, being friends. I hope that you’ll be able to come out to trivia night with us sometime. You know, when you’re better.”

Kylo was thankfully saved from having to answer by Luke re-entering the room lugging a heavy punching bag behind him. He strung it up from a ceiling beam and tied it off so it was steady. When it was ready, he beckoned the two of them over.

“Okay, Ben. How about this? Do you think this could work?” Luke asked.

Kylo stared at the bag. He was still incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of fighting at all, but Luke _really_ wanted him to do this. And… this wasn’t a person, so maybe… maybe it would be okay. Since it wasn’t real. “If you want.” He said.

Luke didn’t seem completely satisfied by that answer, but he let it go. “Okay, just try going on the offensive. Like I showed you. Swing at the waist, let your body weight do the work for you and follow through.”

Kylo stood there awkwardly for a few moments, unwilling to break the ice. Eventually, he managed to get one fist up. He did what Luke had been teaching him, aimed his fist right at the punching bag, and followed through. It was a weak hit, probably not even enough to push a lightweight person off balance, but it was something.

“Good!” Luke praised. “Now try again. A little harder.”

Kylo stood there for a few seconds, and then did it again. With a little time and encouragement, he picked up the pace a little bit. This didn’t really feel like a real person, so it wasn’t too bad. At no point did he land a hit that would actually stagger a real person. He would have to work much harder to get to that point.

All in all, he was feeling pretty good. Luke seemed to be happy with him, and this was easy enough. It was all going well, until the door slammed open at the far end and two guys in workout clothes came in.

“Yo! You people almost done? Thought the place was supposed to open up again at three. You mind if we come in a little early?” One of the guys shouted, voice ricocheting through the room.

Kylo jumped about a mile, lost his balance in the middle of a swing, and fell, in the process twisting his bad ankle and slamming his elbows onto the ground. He grunted in sudden pain.

Rey went for Kylo, while Luke shouted back at the guys. “Yes, we do mind! I have the place booked until four if you bothered to read the schedule posted on the door.”

Kylo scrambled back to hit the wall, holding his ankle and hissing painfully through his teeth. His stomach swooped dizzily.

The guys came closer. “Oh come on, man. You’re not using the whole space. Just let us set up in a corner. We won’t bother you none.”

Luke puffed up in irritation. “You’re bothering me now. We need privacy. You can come back at four.”

Before the guys could respond, one of them looked down at Kylo, and his eyebrow raised. “Jesus, what’s wrong with him?”

Kylo threw his eyes down to the ground. The brief illusion they’d managed to build in this room for a few minutes, the illusion that Kylo would in any way be able to handle being a regular person, popped in a moment.

Rey snapped from her position next to Kylo. “None of your business. Get out of here.”

The guy’s eyebrows raised in surprise at her aggressive tone. He raised his hands and backed up. “Okay, fine. Didn’t realize it was so big a deal. We’ll come back later.”

Luke waited until the two men left before turning to Kylo. “Did you hurt yourself? How bad is it?”

The initial sharp pain from the fall had faded in favor of a dull pounding he was very used to. Unfortunately, any zeal Kylo had worked up over the course of the afternoon had evaporated in a second, as if the reminder that there were other people besides the small group that had become his entire world reminded him how little he would be able to defend himself from anyone outside this space.

Kylo shook his head. “I’m fine.” He said a little painfully. “Can we go?”

Luke sighed. “Yes, we can go.”

* * *

After that mildly disastrous session, it was harder to get Ben to agree to come along to their sparring sessions. Luke had told Leia what happened, and they agreed it was probably due to the two men’s unexpected interruption.

For about a week, Ben seemed to have been getting better. He was participating with Holdo more, and even seemed to look forward somewhat to going out with Luke. However, since the last time, he seemed much more listless around the house. They were in danger of whatever small progress they had made slipping by the wayside.

Leia was worried that part of it was due to not leaving the house anymore. Even though he only left when he was with someone else, they all agreed that seeing the outside world was good for Ben, was making incremental progress towards breaking him out of the headspace he was so stuck in. Now, he seemed even more reluctant to leave. The house was a controllable environment, where he knew everyone there, and hopefully nothing could surprise him. It was an easy environment, but Leia was worried that if he just stayed in the house all the time, he could stagnate. As much anxiety as it might cause him, going out into the real world was good for Ben. She just had to figure out a way to make him more comfortable when he did have to leave.

Leia formulated a plan, and one day, after a great deal of coaxing and convincing, she managed to get Ben to agree to leave the house with her. His face was pinched and white, and he had his arms wrapped tightly around himself, but he did leave. She didn’t like the mistrustful glances he threw at every person they passed, but she hoped that with more exposure, the more accustomed he might be to other people.

She drove him halfway across town, hoping that at some point he would ask her where they were going. He never did. She parked and turned to him in the passenger seat.

“You’re not going to ask what we’re doing?” Leia asked hopefully.

Ben just looked at her.

She soldiered on through. “Well, you’ve been working really hard lately, talking to Amilyn and working with Luke, and I’m just very proud of you. I thought it would be nice if I gave you a present. A little surprise. I think you’ll like it.”

Ben stared at her, that expression on his face that meant he was just trying to decipher what she wanted. “A present?” He asked uncertainly.

“Sure! You can chalk it up to my guilty conscience for having missed your last couple birthdays. And Christmases. I just… I wanted to give you something nice.” Leia said, trying not to get bogged down in thinking about just _how long_ Ben had been gone. That was just a recipe for disaster.

“Okay…” Ben said.

She gave him another smile and led him through the parking lot. She’d been thinking about this for a long time, and talked it over with Han and Amilyn. They all thought that having a dog might help with Ben’s anxiety. It was something to take care of, and dogs could be very loyal and protective. They all agreed it could be good for him.

When they walked inside the shelter, the girl at the desk smiled up at them. “Hey! Leia, right? We’ve been expecting you! Come on back.”

Ben drew to a halt, every muscle taut. He looked around the entryway with wide eyes, realizing where they were. The far wall had a floor-to-ceiling room with a bird enclosure full of chattering, chirping creatures hopping from branch to branch and flying around the room. “What are we doing here?” He asked, frozen solid.

Leia turned to look at Ben, a little taken aback by his sudden nervousness. “It’s an animal shelter, Ben. I thought we could get you a dog. That sounds nice, right?”

He turned to look at her, wide-eyed and slightly panicked. “A dog?”

Leia waved at the receptionist to wait for a moment, and walked a little closer to Ben, concerned now. “Yeah, sweetheart. You like dogs. I thought you’d like the idea.”

Ben blinked rapidly and swallowed heavily. “A… pet? For me?”

“Yes. You still like dogs, don’t you?” Leia asked.

Ben’s eyes flicked past her to the receptionist still waiting, looking a little confused at the strange display. “Y-yeah… I like dogs…”

Leia paused, wondering if they should abort this whole thing. She wasn’t sure why he was suddenly so nervous about this situation. She wondered if it was the potential rowdiness of the dogs. She could understand that the prospect of a group of excitable animals jumping all over could be a little worrying. “I called ahead, Ben. These people know what they’re doing, and they chose a couple of good dogs. They’ll be calm. They’re not going to jump all over you or anything.”

Ben’s hand came up unconsciously to his marked-up throat. “I, I don’t know about a pet… I don’t think I can – I’m just n-not the right person to look after a…”

Leia glanced at his throat, remembering with a surge of disgust the collar he’d had on for so long. Not for the first time, her stomach swooped at the thought of what Hux had put him through, the dehumanization that she could only imagine.

She tried to keep all of that out of her voice. “I think you are. I think you’re very responsible and kind. I think it would do you good.” She pushed gently, not wanting to overstep.

He looked back at her, and his eyes were filled with something beyond just the immediate. There was a long-buried pain in his eyes as well. She wondered about that rabbit he’d mentioned once or twice before. Not for the first time, she wondered what had happened to it, although if she was willing to take a guess, she was pretty sure she’d be close enough.

“You know I would never give you something just to take it away, right? I would never do that to you.” Leia said softly, taking a few steps closer to Ben.

Ben heaved in an unsteady breath and closed his eyes tightly. From the faint trembling in his limbs, it was clear he was trying very hard to keep himself under control.

When Leia tried to touch his arm to comfort him, he turned heel and left the building without another word, the door slamming shut behind him. Leia watched him go with a heavy weight in her heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I teased dogs a little here, but I promise dogs Will be delivered pretty soon. Thanks for reading.


	5. Chapter 5

Leia found Ben sitting on one the ill-used picnic benches on the grassy knoll that led toward the parking lot. He sat hunched over with his arms folded, staring off at the empty soccer field next to the shelter. It was a foggy day, and most of the rest of the world was obscured.

Leia sat down next to him carefully. When she looked over at him, she expected to see sadness or fear, or some combination of both. She was used to seeing that. Instead, for the first time, Ben looked angry. He dug his nails into his leg, and was breathing tight and shallow through his nose.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Leia asked gently. She was pretty sure she could piece together the picture indirectly, but it would be helpful to know the whole story. Just so she could avoid stepping in a minefield by accident again.

Ben’s voice came out ragged and hoarse. “I didn’t care what he did to me. He could do anything to me and it, it was fine, because I deserved it. But he… gave me Clarence, and I thought, I really thought that things were going to get better, that if he was giving me things, it meant the worst was over.”

He laughed bitterly, humorless, a jagged, broken sound. “Every time I thought that, I was wrong. She ran away. I watched her go, but I couldn’t do anything about it. Hux, he, he said he’d look for her, but… he killed her. I don’t even know why. I think it was because…”

A long pause this time. “I think it was because I loved Clarence. He gave her to me so I had something to love, but… I think he hated that I loved her. So she had to go, I guess.”

Leia was surprised he was able to articulate this so clearly.

Ben took in a deep, unsteady breath. “She didn’t do a thing to anybody. She was just an innocent little thing. He could have just taken her back to the pet store, he could have just let her go. She wasn’t a threat to anything or anyone. The only reason he did it was to be cruel. That’s it. And then he _lied_ about it.”

Ben’s voice came out in a low growl Leia was frankly shocked to hear come out of his mouth. His fists were clenched so tight his knuckles were white; he was so high-strung he was almost shaking. “Sometimes… sometimes I just fucking _hate_ him.”

A curious, choked sound followed this declaration. Ben dug the palms of his hands into his eyes, making a whining sound in his throat.

Leia couldn’t hold herself back. She leaned in and hugged him. He hung limp in her grip, staring at the ground.

“After what he did, I don’t blame you in the slightest.” She said.

“I wonder…” Ben’s voice was so low it was hard to hear what he was saying. “I wonder if he would have done that to me. I wonder if he would have killed me if I had left him. Really left him.”

Leia didn’t know how to answer that question. As much as she hated Hux, she had to admit that it seemed like he had real feelings for Ben. If she had to guess, she would say there had been nothing that Hux would have done to get Ben back. “I don’t know, sweetheart.”

“I think he would have.” Ben said. “Sometimes I wish he had.”

It hurt to hear him say things like that, as understandable as they were. “You don’t have to think like that anymore. Things are going to get better now.”

Ben looked over at her, that hateful nose ring harsh and gray against his skin. “Will they? I’m probably never going to be able to be a… normal person. I can’t even walk into an animal shelter without freaking out.”

“Give it time.” Leia pleaded with him.

Ben gave her one more hopeless glance and then looked away.

At this point, it was pretty clear that what they’d come here for wasn’t happening, so Leia drove him home, trying not to feel like she’d completely failed.

* * *

The next time Holdo came over, she had an agenda. The two of them had settled into enough of a pattern that it was time to shake it up a bit. She had them sit out on the porch in full view of the street. It was a chilly, gray day, and they were both bundled up in sweaters and wool socks, a pot of steaming coffee sitting between them.

For a while, Holdo just told Kylo about her life, about her wife and weekend plans and culinary experiments. Boring stuff, mundane stuff. Kylo was a little on-edge about being so exposed to the street. Every time a car drove by, or a jogger came by, he would flinch and press back into his seat, staring at them warily until they passed by. Holdo would smile and wave at passerby, and most would smile and wave back.

After about an hour of this, Kylo calmed down enough that he still eyed every person that walked by, but he didn’t actively jump anymore.

“Okay, Ben. I want to try something a little different today. A little exercise, if you’ll indulge me.” Holdo said.

Kylo looked at her uncertainly and shrugged. “Okay.”

“I’m going to ask you a few questions, and I want you to answer me objectively. This isn’t about you or me, just hypothetical scenarios. Alright?”

Kylo nodded.

Holdo looked out at the street and let out a long breath. “Say a man is walking home from work, and somebody else comes up to him and robs him. Holds him at gunpoint, takes his phone and wallet. Who would you say is at fault in that scenario?”

Kylo stared at Holdo. Did she really think he was that stunted he wouldn’t be able to answer a question this simple? “The mugger. Of course. What kind of question is that?”

Holdo waved a hand. “Like I said, just indulge me. How about an old woman dying in a hospital. Her daughter is addicted to morphine, so she takes some for herself. Who would you say is at fault here?”

Kylo didn’t understand where this conversation was going. “The daughter.”

“Okay, makes sense. Who do you sympathize with?” Holdo asked.

“The mother.” Kylo said automatically, knowing it was the correct answer. “Although if the daughter is addicted… maybe she can’t help it.”

“Would you say she’s justified in taking the morphine? Putting her own comfort over her dying mother’s?” Holdo asked, her gray eyes like a cool stone.

Kylo shrugged. He felt like he was being trapped into an answer. “No. I wouldn’t say she’s justified. It’s wrong. But, maybe she needs help.”

“Okay, so you feel sympathy for both of them?” Holdo asked.

“Yeah, I guess. Wouldn’t anyone?” Kylo said, confused.

“No, not everyone. A lot of people wouldn’t have any sympathy for the daughter.” Holdo said.

“Why are you asking me stuff like this?” Kylo asked.

Holdo tucked her feet under her. “Okay, how about this. There are two people dating. The boyfriend has a horrible day at work. He was passed over for a promotion, his car was rear-ended, and he has a pounding headache. He comes home and finds their cat has torn up their carpet and broken a plate, but the girlfriend hasn’t cleaned it up. She’s talking on the phone to her friend. He yells at her. Would you say he’s justified?”

Kylo shrugged. “I mean… Maybe he shouldn’t have yelled, but… the least she could do was clean it up. I guess. He had a really bad day.”

Holdo was zeroed in on him. “So you sympathize with the boyfriend?”

Kylo nodded.

“Okay, what if I told you the girlfriend had already cleaned up half of the cat’s mess, and was interrupted by the phone, and her friend was crying because she’d just had a horrible breakup?” Holdo pushed.

Kylo frowned, feeling a little manipulated. “Well, the boyfriend didn’t know that.”

“He also didn’t stop to think before he yelled at her.” Holdo said gently.

“I guess. He had a really bad day, though, and people don’t always do the right thing.” Kylo ground out.

“Okay, same scenario. The boyfriend comes home, sees the mess, and he hits her. Is that justified?” Holdo said.

Kylo sucked in a breath. He saw what was going on now. He narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms. “You just want me to say no.” He accused her.

Holdo raised one of her eyebrows. “Of course I do. Do you think it’s okay that he hit her? Just because he had a bad day?”

Kylo turned away from her, an uncomfortable squirming in his chest. “I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t like… you’re just trying to manipulate me.”

Holdo leaned forward so she was in his line of sight again. “I’m not. I’m trying to get you to interrogate your own beliefs. Make you think about why you believe certain things. And again, this isn’t about you or Hux. This is just a hypothetical couple. Objectively, in this scenario involving two fictional people, what do you believe? Truly?”

Kylo shrugged, shoulders tight. “Well, I’m supposed to say no. It’s not justified.”

“But you don’t believe that?” Holdo asked softly.

Kylo swallowed heavily. “I don’t know. Things aren’t… like that. In real life. It’s not, not, just good or bad. There are reasons why people do things.”

“And those reasons justify violence, in your mind?” Holdo said.

Kylo, feeling restless, stood up and started to pace on the porch, fingers gripping his elbows tightly. “I don’t know! I mean, I mean, I guess not. He probably shouldn’t have hit her, but, he had reasons to do it. People do bad things sometimes.”

“So you _do_ think it was bad.” Holdo latched onto his word choice.

“Yeah, I guess. But, but the girlfriend should have had everything cleaned up by the time he got home.” Kylo said.

“She had reasons for not doing it.” Holdo said reasonably.

Kylo started to feel frustrated. It was like Holdo was being deliberately obtuse. “ _Yeah_ , but, I mean, let’s be real, here. She should have known that he was the kind of guy who would hit her if he had a bad day. She should have anticipated that, and… I don’t know… prepared for it better.”

Silence sat between the two of them. Holdo let Kylo mull over his own words. Even he found them bitter in his mouth.

Holdo finally spoke. “So, his reasons matter but hers don’t?”

Kylo shrugged tightly, stayed silent.

“Don’t you think that no matter what, the boyfriend would have found a reason to hurt her? Even if she had cleaned it up before he got home, don’t you think he would have just found another excuse? That the violence was the point?”

Kylo thought about the times Hux would come home, and he’d be in a bad mood. Kylo had known, he’d always known. He remembered the absolute nervous desperation to do everything right. Smile, kiss him in that way he likes, don’t talk too much, don’t invite him to bed, because that could be seen as an invitation to fuck him just a little too rough, but certainly appear ready and eager if Hux suggested it first. Despite all that, despite every supplicating effort on Kylo’s part, more often than not he would end the night nursing bruised ribs or tied up at the foot of Hux’s bed over some small slight that Kylo had next to no chance of avoiding.

From the look on Holdo’s face, she could tell that he’d taken the point. “Okay, how about something else. You hear those awful stories about men who kidnap women to keep in their basements for years. Say one of those women escapes and kills her captor on the way out. Would you say she’s justified?”

Kylo grimaced. “Yes, of course.”

“Okay, good. I’m glad we’re on the same page there. So why are any of these scenarios different from what happened to you?” Holdo pressed her advantage.

Kylo pressed his lips together. “Because what really happened was so much more complicated. Hux loved me.”

“And you think that justifies whatever else he may have done?” Holdo asked.

Kylo turned around and glared. “ _Yes_ ,” he spat out. “You’re not going to convince me not to love him.” His hand came up to grasp the rings.

Holdo put up a peaceful hand. “I’m not trying to. I couldn’t do that even if I tried. I do want to ask you something, though, so I can understand. You say that a lot. That you love him. That he loved you. What does that mean to you? Love?”

Kylo was interrupted from his fury for a moment by the perplexing question. “Love?”

“Well, it means something different to everybody. You say Hux loved you. How do you know?”

This was such a huge concept to convey Kylo didn’t even know where to start. “Well, he… he took care of me. I mean, he did everything for me. And it wasn’t like you think, it wasn’t bad all the time. Sometimes, he could be really wonderful.” Kylo said.

“Okay, he took care of you, but did you need to be taken care of? What was so bad about your life before all this that you couldn’t do it on your own?” Holdo pointed out.

Kylo didn’t have an answer for that question.

“Love generally means doing whatever is best for the object of your affection. Do you really believe that Hux did what was best for you?” Holdo asked gently.

Kylo clenched his jaw and looked away. He didn’t like this newfound bitterness that had taken root in his stomach, but neither was it going away.

* * *

On one of the days when everybody was out of the house, Kylo’s curiosity got the better of him. He wasn’t used to being alone in the house again, and so was looking for a way to spend his time when he stumbled across Leia’s laptop.

She had told him clearly and repeatedly that he was free to use it whenever he wanted, so he sat on the couch and opened it up, intending to find some mindless game to play to make it through the day. The boredom and inactivity was starting to get to him.

In his quest to find a game, he noticed a folder on her desktop labeled “AH”. Armitage Hux. Kylo’s finger hovered over the button to open it. He wasn’t sure he really wanted to see what was in there, but morbid curiosity won out.

It turned out that in the mad scramble to find and rescue Kylo, Leia and company had done a great deal of research into Hux’s life and habits, where he came from, and it seemed a record of nearly every person he’d ever had contact with. There were subfolders dedicated to First Order operatives, most dead or on the lam. Kylo found a long-range photo of Phasma and Hux, standing in front of a small deli and speaking urgently. Kylo’s heart ached to see Hux’s face.

He spent a little time on Phasma’s folder, wondering where she was now and whether he’d ever see her again. He skipped over Snoke’s folder about as quickly as humanly possible.

The rest of the information on Hux was surprisingly thorough. There was one folder entitled _Sightings_. This had a document with a chronological table of locations Hux had been seen, who with, and for what purpose, as well as who reported the sighting. There were a few more photographs, some telephoto shots, some grainy printouts from surveillance footage. Kylo spent minutes on each photo of Hux, taking in the familiar slicked-back red hair, the soldier-like stance, the permanent severe line down the middle of his forehead. Kylo missed him now more than he had in weeks. If he could have sunk into the photos and disappeared, he would have.

Eventually, he moved onto a folder entitled _Victims + Survivors_ , heart in his throat a little at what that could mean. It turned out to be police and news reports of casualties, mostly of the First Order, impersonal shootings in the course of business. The ones that Kylo really stuck upon were the ones that almost seemed personal. There was one woman in DC strangled to death with piano wire, another man found dead in a hotel room in Miami who’d been stabbed so many times he looked almost torn apart. Kylo stared at that photo for a long time, stomach in knots at the ferocity of the violence. After reflecting for a few minutes, he realized he was almost jealous of this anonymous man, of the time he might have spent with Hux, time that Kylo didn’t have.

He spent the most time on the folder called _History_. Because of Hux’s name change, it had been exceedingly difficult to find anything out about his past. There were a dozen subfolders in here, all with possibilities explored and then exhausted. Kylo poked around until he found the right one. It felt like a strange shock to see photos of the house he’d lived in with Hux in Ireland, albeit only for a few months. It didn’t feel like home as much as the first house, but Kylo still felt a certain tugging of the heartstrings at seeing this one. A family tree was detailed, school records, decades-old news reports. All assorted pieces that added up to a person.

It was when Kylo ran across a newspaper story about a teenage boy’s death that his blood ran cold. This must have been the boy that Hux told him about, the one he’d killed when he was only a teenager himself. The first person Hux had ever loved. Kylo wondered if he’d loved the unnamed boy as much as him. He hoped not.

The text of the story unfolded across the screen. It felt very strange to be reading about this intimate event as if it were just a news story. _The small town of Darby was brought to its knees this past Tuesday when 17-year-old Chance Delaney was found in the early hours of the morning with his body broken on the rocks at the foot of a nearby steep hill on the outside of town. The investigation is still in the early stages, but foul play is not suspected. Sources close to the police state that alcohol was found in the boy’s system._

_“We’re heartbroken. He was supposed to go off to university next year. We just don’t understand how something so senseless could have happened to our boy_ ,” _Lily Delaney, the boy’s mother stated._

_The rocks where Delaney was found are less than a mile from the house of an unnamed schoolmate of Delaney’s. It is suspected Delaney was on his way to the friend’s house when he fell from the hill._

_According to another classmate of Delaney’s, his tragic death wasn’t an accident. Our reporters went to the boy’s house to interview him, but he was loath to provide any more details. It is likely this is just attention-seeking behavior, tragic but understandable in a case like this_.

Kylo closed the news story, and looked at the other items in the folder. One was an emergency room intake form, for Chance Delaney, dated four months before his death. He was admitted for a broken arm. Kylo scanned down the form, expecting to see Hux’s name on the form as the one who brought him in, but instead it was a name he didn’t recognize. _Connor Byrne_. Kylo wondered if this was the unnamed classmate named in the article. If he was close enough with Chance to bring him to the hospital, he wondered how well he had known Hux.

There was a scanned picture in this folder, seemingly from a yearbook or school publication of some kind. There were three boys in the picture. Kylo recognized Hux immediately, even as a teenager. He drank in every detail of Hux’s face. He was young, boyish of face, but with the same sharp gaze Kylo was so familiar with. He had his arm around another boy, slight, bookish, nervous-looking. Kylo thought this must be Chance. The boy was smiling at Hux, but he had the same strained, pale disposition that Kylo recognized at once. So Hux hadn’t been very different back in the day.

The third boy in the photograph stood off to the side, hands in his pockets, with the other two, but not really. He was a little stockier, with dark hair and a scowl that spoke of a bad attitude. He looked over at Hux with a barely-disguised dislike that Kylo was shocked Hux would have allowed to continue. Kylo wondered how much this Connor knew about Hux. Kylo looked at this photo for a long time.

There was another sheet that had follow-up on Connor Byrne, a current address and employment information. He was still alive. Kylo stared at the phone number for a long time. The temptation to call this man and ask him what Hux had been like back then was overwhelming.

He might have done it, but the thing that stopped him was what he would say if the man answered. That he’d been, there was no better word for it, kept by Hux for a few years, and now he wanted to know what he’d been like as a teenager? Ask the man to dredge up memories of his friend’s death from years ago? No. However curious he was about Hux, he wasn’t willing to do that.

Kylo almost shut the computer down then, but looked at one more thing first. Despite himself, he went looking in a subfolder entitled _Personal_. There were dossiers on five people in here. The shortest was on him, containing only a photo, a name, and date of disappearance. Kylo tried not to look at that picture of himself too long. One was on Chance Delaney, which he skipped over. There were three others, two men and a woman, that he had never seen before. One of them had drowned himself fifteen years ago, and one of the other men had left all his things in his apartment one day and disappeared off the face of the earth. It took until he found a photo of the fifth woman that he realized what the connection between these people were. A photo of the woman, thin with long, black hair, unremarkable besides the unimpressed, slightly cruel expression on her face was first. The second one seemed to be a selfie from the woman’s phone. She and Hux were sitting at a table in a dimly-lit restaurant, each looking unsmilingly into the camera as if it were an obligation.

After a few moments of puzzling, Kylo realized what he was looking at were Hux’s previous romantic relationships. He felt a lancing pain go through his chest and then depart. He raced back over the dossiers, looking for dates. With a sense of great relief, he saw that all the other people in here predated him coming to live with Hux. The possibility that Hux would have been seeing somebody else was too much to bear.

Kylo spent a lot of time looking at all the people here. He wondered what had happened to them, how their relationships with Hux had ended. He was somewhat mollified to see that none of these other people had been with Hux for longer than a year. If anything, Kylo had been Hux’s most important relationship. Still, the sight of all these other people, even if they were long gone before he’d met Hux, stung. There were two deaths, one disappearance, and what had happened to Kylo. It appeared that all of these people’s lives had been irrevocably changed by Hux’s presence.

All of a sudden, Kylo felt an overwhelming sense of jealousy. Even if this had happened years before he even met Hux, he didn’t like the thought of him being with anyone else. The imbalance between them struck him for the first time in a while. Hux had irrevocably affected his life, and it seemed he had done the same for all these other people. All Kylo wanted was the assurance that he had done the same for Hux.

He closed everything and shut the laptop with a quick snap, taking a huge breath. Despite his best efforts, the contents of that folder was all he could think about for the rest of the day.

* * *

A few days later, he still had a burning energy in his chest. He decided of his own volition to call up Luke again and ask him if they could still spar. Luke, sounding surprised and a little pleased, agreed.

It was a dark, windy day when Luke came to pick him up. Kylo hurried out the front door like someone was chasing him, sliding into the passenger seat with a definite sense of relief.

After they got to the gym and had everything set up, Luke started telling him about a new stance he wanted to teach him. Kylo screwed up his courage and interrupted him.

“Actually… uh, I just want to spar. For real.” Kylo said, poisonous thread still twisting in his gut.

Luke looked at him in surprise, shucking his sweatshirt onto the bench and rolling up his sleeves. “Oh. Are you sure? I don’t want to push you into anything. I think it’s still a little early…”

Kylo pictured those five pictures of those five people, used and discarded by Hux, just as he had been. A dark thing curled in his ribcage. For some reason, the thought of being destroyed utterly, just like them, was unbearable. He was more than just a disposable wind-up curiosity. Hux had thought so, or he wouldn’t have kept him for so long. A whirlwind of conflicting thoughts went through him. On the one hand, he had a stubborn need to prove himself as worthy of Hux’s attention, that he was hardier than Chance Delaney or the nameless man who had drowned himself rather than subject himself to Hux’s ministrations any longer. He had to be more than them, or he was just another nameless face, just another victim strewed in Hux’s wake. The idea was abhorrent to him, not for his own sake, but for Hux’s. Hux had chosen him, so he had to be worthy of that choice.

At least that’s what he told himself, although there was a darker, nameless creature scratching at the base of his skull, trying to burrow through all the scar tissue. This thing was just tired. Tired of being afraid, tired of being guilty, tired of being so open and pliable and _vulnerable_. This feral thing in his head wanted to break open the body it was encased in if that’s what it took to ensure Hux would be the last person to ever reach inside him and mold his heart into a new shape. Desolation was preferable to invasion.

Kylo stood facing Luke, as steady as he could be. “I’m sure.” He said grimly.

Luke must have seen something in his face, because he straightened up, searched carefully for words. “Ben, the very last thing I want to do is tell you what to think, but doing something you’re not ready for could set you back quite a bit. Slow and steady is the way to do this. You have to work up to anything tough.”

Kylo’s hands were fists at his sides. “I really want to do this. Please.”

Luke frowned, knowing this probably wasn’t a good idea, but unable to deny Kylo one of the first things he’d even asked for. “Okay… But we’re taking it slow. Okay?”

Kylo rolled his shoulders. “Got it.”

Luke hesitated again. “Did you want to block or go on the offensive?”

Kylo shrugged.

“Why don’t you try blocking, okay? I’m going to come at you, but very slowly. Okay?” Luke said, worried eyes trying to read Kylo’s state of mind.

Kylo nodded impatiently. “Yes, yes, okay.”

Luke sighed, then took a step towards Kylo carefully, telegraphing his movement so he wouldn’t be startled. At the speed he was moving, it was child’s play for Kylo to block his strike. There was barely any force behind it. Kylo felt a momentary loose squirming in his gut, but it passed.

Luke took a step back. “Was that okay?” He asked in concern.

“Yeah. Fine. Again. Please.” Kylo ground out quickly, the please at the end nearly an automatic reaction. Politeness had been beaten into him.

“Okay…” Luke said hesitantly, coming for him again. Again, it was slow and gentle, and Kylo easily blocked it.

They did it again and again, but the more they did it, the more Kylo felt frustration well up in him. This was easy, this was nothing. Luke very obviously wasn’t putting any of his real strength into it, treating him like breakable glass. Kylo grunted in annoyance. He could take a beating. He needed Luke to understand that, then maybe he would take this seriously.

Kylo dropped his arms and stepped back. Luke immediately mirrored him, worried he had gone too far. “Are you okay? Do you want to stop?”

An irritated pressure pounded in Kylo’s temple. What he wanted, what he really wanted, was for people to stop asking him that inane question, forcing him to come up with new answers for it every time. Of course he wasn’t.

“No. Again. Actually, can I…” Kylo said, panting a little even from this little exertion. “Can I try?”

Luke’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “You want to try attacking me? Okay, if you think you’re ready, go right ahead.”

Kylo nodded jerkily, swaying from one foot to another. He looked at Luke like a target, his jaw clenched tight. He felt panicky pressure grabbing him around the throat and joints, telling him to stop, that he couldn’t do this, he wasn’t allowed to fight back. With an almost monumental effort, he shoved that instinct to the back of his mind. This was for Hux so it was fine. He wanted Hux to be proud of him even now. He couldn’t do that if he laid down and died like the other four people ( _Victims_ , his mind hissed) in those photos. He was stubborn, he could take anything Hux dished out. He just had to prove it.

Luke stood open to attack, thick eyebrows drawn together in concern. For a long few moments, all Kylo could do was stare at him, chest heaving a little with the effort of suppressing his instinct to submit. He might have stood there forever, unable to make himself move, but Luke opened his mouth to speak, probably to tell him that they could stop, go back to _easy_ things.

Before his brain could catch up to him and stop him, Kylo flew forward, reckless and sloppy. As he swung at Luke, he saw the photo of the man who’d drowned, weak and soft, unworthy of Hux. He hadn’t been able to take it. Kylo could. He could take anything. He’d proven that over and over and over again.

Kylo hit Luke, his aim off, his wrist too soft, the strength in his arms nearly nonexistent. Luke didn’t even rock back a step. Nevertheless, Kylo did it. He drew to a halt, chest heaving. Luke stared at him, really worried now.

Kylo looked down at his hand, marveling at what he had just done. Energy coursed through his veins like acid. He looked back a Luke, a little wild-eyed. A hoarse squawk of a laugh escaped his mouth. It was not a healthy sound.

Luke put up a hand. “Ben…”

Kylo didn’t wait. He attacked again, swinging wildly, but fast enough that Luke had to throw his arm up pretty quickly to block him. This time, Kylo saw the dark-haired woman, so poised and collected. What did she know about what Hux wanted, what he needed? All jealousy and grief did was fuel each other’s flame.

“Ben, slow down-” Luke tried again.

Kylo didn’t listen. Once he’d started, he was having a hard time stopping. Luke had no trouble parrying his attacks, but he couldn’t get him to stop without counterattacking. One good well-placed shot would floor Kylo in a second, but Luke wasn’t going to do that to him.

Kylo paced around the room after Luke, panting heavily with exertion and emotion. Every hit he landed was a jolt to the system. Like a slide projector, the other four faces flashed across his mind. In the force of his jealousy, it wasn’t important that he was the last and clearly most important person to Hux, the very existence of those other people was enough. Every reminder that Hux had a life outside of Kylo was so monumentally unfair it was difficult for Kylo to wrap his mind around it.

He grunted and advanced. He was more than them. He had to be, or what he went through was pointless. He hit Luke, saw the nervous smile of Chance, quailing under Hux’s arm around his shoulder. Kylo thought that if the dead boy were standing in front of him right now, he would crush his windpipe with his thumbs. He was so similar to that murdered boy, except he was still standing. Chance wasn’t. That had to mean something. Right? This all had to mean _something_.

Kylo twisted his ankle under him, and he gasped in pain, tottering forward but still trying for one more strike. Luke caught his fist in one hand and forced him to stop. He was barely winded at all while Kylo was flushed and panting, two seconds from collapse.

“That’s _enough_ , Ben! Calm down, please. You’re only going to hurt yourself.” Luke’s words finally started to penetrate his consciousness.

Kylo tried to yank his hand back, but Luke didn’t let him go. It felt so much like Hux that he could have cried. Harsh, panting, animalistic sounds were escaping out of his mouth. He swayed unsteadily on his feet, eyes far away.

“What is this about? Talk to me.” Luke asked, worried again.

Kylo wheezed. “ _I’m just… another one… If I don’t do something, I’m going to be just like them… I don’t want to be, I want, I just want-_ ”

He fell to his knees and slammed a fist down on the ground so hard the skin broke. He screamed, voice full of wordless anger. The pain felt so good.

Luke sank down onto the ground beside him, waiting until he calmed down enough.

Kylo stared off into nothing. He wished Hux was here so he could tell him some of this, ask him to reassure him that what they had was special, that he meant something, that he wasn’t as disposable and weak as he feared. The rings hung like a heavy yoke around his neck.

Luke rubbed his back. “Hey… you’re here, right? You’re alive. I think that’s enough.”

Kylo looked at his uncle with tired eyes. He had been doing nothing but surviving so long that he didn’t think he could express that he wasn’t sure that was true anymore. Maybe he didn’t want to just survive anymore. Maybe he needed something more.

Hux had provided the meaning for his life for so long that the prospect of having to find one on his own was terrifying. But he supposed he didn’t have much of a choice.

As he caught his breath, Kylo wondered what Hux would say to him if he were here. In the moment, he had thought he was trying to prove something to Hux. However, in the cold light of the aftermath of his explosion, he thought rather that Hux would be disappointed. Not for the first time, but for the first time that he noticed consciously, Kylo was vindictively happy. The thought began to grow roots in him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, he's making some progress! Slow, slow progress, but it's something. Thanks for reading.


	6. Chapter 6

Kylo slid from dreamless sleep to wakefulness in a moment without a hitch. He opened his eyes on a gray, washed-out morning. The white, spackled ceiling looked like it was ready to split. He was lying in his bed, which felt bigger than it should be, emptier than it should be. When he swung his feet over to sit up, every muscle ached.

The house around him was quiet. He stood up and wandered down the familiar hallway, down the stairs. The front door loomed in front of him, somehow monolithic in its immobility. Outside of it lay a world he desperately wanted to get back to at the same time that it terrified him. It wasn’t locked, but he knew he would never open it. He drew to a halt, frowning a little. That’s not where the front door was supposed to be.

He was interrupted from this thought by a wet tearing noise coming from the living room, a gristly sound followed by a wet popping. He turned his head slowly toward it, breath coming short.

The form of the house took shape around him in a second like a mouth snapping closed. This wasn’t Leia’s house, with her crooked family photos on the walls and sort-of-ugly 80’s wallpaper that was peeling at the edges. This house was brutally neat, almost antiseptic in its lack of personality. Light yellow walls, carpeted steps, small shelf holding knickknacks that Kylo had dusted and rearranged and cleaned more times than he could count. The first landing below him had a few smears of blood, where he’d once been thrown.

Kylo’s heart started trying to claw out of his chest. With no real surprise, he lifted his hand to feel the leather collar, buckled so tight around his throat he couldn’t breathe. Against his will, his eyes were drawn to the living room, where the horrible, meaty sounds continued.

The front door was right there. He could leave, but he knew he wouldn’t. His feet carried him across the room to Hux’s living room, pooled in deep green light.

Hux was hunched over a man with dark hair, digging his fingers into him so that he could tear him apart. He was covered in blood up to his elbows. For a brief, dizzy moment, Kylo thought the man on the floor was him, but then recognized his face was one he’d seen in that file on Leia’s computer. The man’s eyes fluttered open and closed as if he were still marginally alive. His mouth gaped like a fish, water trickling onto the carpet.

Hux looked up at Kylo when he walked in. His eyes were bright with malice, his arms corded with muscle. He was every bit as monolithic and unknowable and dangerous as he had ever been. He held a short knife in one hand, blade toward Kylo.

Kylo’s blood sang with fear.

Hux frowned at him. “You’re late. I’ve been waiting for you.”

“ _Sorry_ ,” Kylo nearly whispered, voice raspy and breathless.

“You need to clean all this up. It’s not going to do itself.” Hux snapped, indicating behind him where there were three more bodies piled up on each other. A teenage boy, a woman with long, dark hair, a man with half his face missing.

Kylo closed his eyes and moaned. This didn’t feel like a dream, although it had to be. “Why did you have to do that?”

Without even looking at him, Kylo knew the look that Hux was giving him, the one that said _Shut up and do what I say_. “Are you arguing with me?” He asked, voice silky with danger.

Kylo swallowed heavily, shook his head. A fist was squeezing his heart. “I don’t have to do this anymore. You’re dead. I, I don’t have to listen to you anymore.”

In a second, Hux was on him, grabbing his forearms in an iron grip, pressing him against the wall, their bodies flush from toes to sternum. “Oh, really? Who told you that? That hippie bitch who thinks she knows what you need better than I do?”

Kylo quailed in well-grooved terror, but forced himself to open his eyes. He knew this was a dream. All he had to do was wake up, although that action seemed as impossible as opening the front door. There was nothing stopping him, of course, except Hux’s will, supplanting his own. “ _L-leave me alone…_ ” He whispered, the only resistance he could muster.

Hux grinned at him, sharp and malicious. “They’ve been filling your little head with all sorts of ideas, haven’t they? That you’re a person, like them. That you can live on your own, hold down a job. Walk down the street without everyone who sees you knowing exactly what you are.”

Hot tears sprang to Kylo’s eyes. He shook his head mutely, Hux’s tight grip burning like fire.

He nearly screamed when Hux sank his teeth into the delicate skin of his throat. He bucked in pain, Hux holding him in place. “But you and I know better.” Hux’s low voice came, kissing him so hard it hurt. “I know what you need. I’ve always known. You’re a dumb animal. _Mine_. You’re fit to do what I tell you, nothing more. Why do you think I had to put that collar on you? Because it lets you know what you are. Worth nothing until I picked you up and gave you a purpose.”

“ _No_ ,” Kylo whimpered, the very word seeming dangerous. “You hurt me, you confused me. I would have been better off without you.”

Hux laughed, his hot breath rushing over Kylo like a wolf. “Oh, you’re so cute. You don’t really believe that, do you? You’re just listening to what other people tell you, again. Do you have a single thought in your head that doesn’t belong to someone else?”

Kylo gaped at him for a few moments, wordless as always. Hux watched him, his grin growing wider and wider.

“See, if that were true, if you really were better off without me, you would have waited until you got the chance, and turned the tables on me. How many nights did we sleep together in the same bed? I was completely vulnerable, complacent. You could have locked _me_ in that cage downstairs, beat me and starved me and fucked me whenever you wanted. Would you have liked that? Some good old-fashioned revenge?” Hux spoke so close to his skin his voice seemed to vibrate down his bones.

The thought turned Kylo’s stomach. He shook his head minutely.

Hux kissed him deeply. Kylo’s head spun. “See, you know I’m right. You need this. You need me. What did I tell you on those rocks?”

Kylo’s lips buzzed as he spoke. He’d forgotten all about wanting to wake up. “That no matter what anybody told me, I would always belong to you.”

“That’s right, Kylo. And don’t you forget it.” Hux said, face hardening. “Now get on the ground, and do what you’re made for.”

And Kylo did, limbs moving like molasses, mind far away from him. He knew Hux was right. No matter how much time went past, he would always do what Hux told him. He could go to the opposite ends of the earth, and he would always end up here again, on his hands and knees at Hux’s mercy.

As Hux got behind him, Kylo bit his lip so hard blood drenched his chin. Hux pressed flush against his back. Then, without warning, he grabbed a fistful of Kylo’s hair and yanked his head back to bare his neck. The knife slitting his throat was almost a relief. There was nothing more natural than spilling his life’s blood for Hux.

Kylo awoke in his parent’s house with blood in his mouth. For a horrible, dizzying second, he thought the dream had been real, that he’d roll over to see Hux asleep next to him, their fingers tangled together. He sat up, legs scrambling blindly in his terror. Seeing that he was alone in the room didn’t immediately calm him down.

He fled to the bathroom to see he’d really bitten through his lip in his sleep. He didn’t wipe the blood off for a moment, staring at his white face in the mirror.

The dream had helped cement something he’d been thinking about for a long time. Hux had been right. He was worried that no matter how much time went by, how much progress he made, if Hux showed up at the front door and told him to come with him, he would. No question, no hesitation. He could talk to Holdo and spar with Luke and make incremental progress, but Hux would always hold the key. It didn’t even matter if he wasn’t around anymore.

The fact that he could pluck Kylo out of whatever life he chose to build at any time took the wind out of his sails. He would always be Hux’s no matter what.

* * *

Over the next week, he asked Luke to take him sparring every day. After last time, Luke was just a little wary of his state of mind, but agreed to take him anyway.

Kylo seemed to have an almost immediate turnaround on the subject of sparring. After that first taste of real sparring, he wanted to do it all the time. He would push himself past his body’s endurance, going until Luke was forced to call an end to the session.

Kylo would end the sparring sessions panting and sweaty, exhausted, and bruised from falling onto the mat, but this didn’t deter him in the slightest. Luke tried to get him to slow down a little, but Kylo would insist on continuing. He was half-manic in his passion for pushing himself to his limit. He couldn’t put into words why it seemed so important.

Luke was already fairly reticent about forcing Kylo into this too soon, and the more he pushed, the more Luke retreated. The last straw for Luke came when, despite him putting on the kid gloves, he repelled Kylo so hard he tripped and fell so hard he saw stars. After this, Luke suggested only sparring a few days a week. Kylo accepted this with the mute compliance that he accepted anything, but he was even quieter than usual on the way home.

The next day, he called Rey and asked her to take him. She evidently hadn’t heard from Luke how things were going, because she agreed in a second.

Rey kept up a steady stream of positive chatter on their way to the gym. Her solution for awkward silence was to fill it with as much noise as possible, even if Kylo’s contributions to the conversation were monosyllabic at best. He didn’t mind. He was sick of silence anyway.

Once they got to the gym, Rey apologized. “We don’t have the place to ourselves. I don’t have the same kind of pull as Luke. Is that okay? Other people aren’t going to… I don’t know, distract you or freak you out or anything, are they?”

Kylo shook his head. He barely noticed the other people filing in and out. “No, I just want to… I need to… I feel better when I’m doing something.”

Rey looked at him in concern. “Okay.” She paused before saying anything else. “How are you doing? You look a little pale.”

In truth, Kylo wasn’t feeling very well. He hadn’t been sleeping a lot lately, and his long sessions of exertions were starting to take a toll. He felt shaky and achy, unsteady. However, he was tired of revisiting some of his worst memories in his dreams, and sparring did something to keep that from the door.

He looked over at Rey, and was nearly bowled over by how much had changed between them. They used to be friends, good friends, nearly inseparable. Now they were reduced to awkward acquaintances. Rey had to look after him because he was incapable of doing it himself. Not for the first time, shame coated the inside of his stomach. Every single one of his survival mechanisms with Hux was useless in these situations.

“Thank you. For doing this.” He said awkwardly before they got out of the car.

Rey was busy putting her hair up in preparation. She glanced over at him in surprise. “Of course. I need to get a workout myself. Anything for you.”

She smiled at him, the sadness evident on her face.

Kylo was overcome with a sudden need to make this up to her somehow, to show his gratitude to her for helping him when she didn’t need to. “Rey… I never told you…”

“Yeah?” She asked curiously.

“When I was… with Hux, when things started to get really turned around in my head, I would… I used to hear this voice that would tell me things I needed to hear. Not like, I wasn’t _hearing voices_ or anything, it just… it was just stuff that I kn-knew, deep down, but I didn’t want to remember. Sometimes, I think that the only reason I lasted as long as I did, that I kept my head for so long, was because of this voice. Besides Hux, it was really, it was really my only company.” Kylo stumbled through this explanation, knowing he wasn’t making much sense.

Rey looked a little puzzled. “Okay. Why are you telling me?”

“Because it was your voice. It was you, telling me to keep my head up and, and to be smart, and once to run, and I just… thought you should know.” Kylo stuttered.

This seemed to have a curious effect on Rey. Her eyes widened and tears sprang to her eyes. She looked away for a moment, and when she spoke, her voice was choked and full. “I wish I could have really been there, not just a poor substitute.”

“Well, you kept me together for a long time. Or, well, not you. But it felt like you.” Kylo said.

Rey didn’t hesitate any longer. She lunged in for a hug. Kylo flinched, but then relaxed into it. Her arms were squeezed so tight around him his chest felt tight. It occurred to him that he could count the amount of times he’d received affection with no ulterior motive over the past few years on two hands.

Rey pulled away and wiped her tears off her cheeks quick in embarrassment. “Sorry. I know you don’t really want people touching you.”

“It’s okay.” Kylo said, mind already turning restlessly again.

When the two of them entered the gym, Kylo eyed the other people working out with a certain amount of distrust. They made him a little nervous, but the alternative, going back to the quiet house with nothing to distract him, was equally as abhorrent.

After warming up a little and getting their own isolated spot in the gym, Rey turned to him, bouncing on her feet in anticipation. “So. Footwork?”

Kylo shook his head. “No. I want the real thing.”

Rey’s eyebrows rose. “Okay.” She said a little doubtfully, but she didn’t ask if he was sure. He was grateful to her.

They started in on sparring in earnest. Initially, Rey was caught off guard by Kylo’s ferocity. He caught her in the side with a quick shot that she didn’t see coming, forcing her to pivot and jump away from him quicker than she’d been expecting.

“Woah, Ben! You’ve been practicing!” She said, surprised.

Kylo rolled his shoulder. “Yeah. I want to do this for real.”

Rey seemed a little hesitant, but adjusted her stance and readied herself for some real work.

They sparred back and forth for a while. Rey was still holding herself back, not hitting him with anywhere near her full strength. He had seen her take down that asshole in the alley without a second thought. She was more than a match for an emaciated, broken thing like him. She didn’t even want to hit him at all at first, but he insisted. He wasn’t going to get any real practice if they didn’t make contact.

Kylo was sloppy and slow, and his bad ankle really slowed him down. Every time he had to pivot quickly to meet Rey from another angle, he would stumble or stagger, ruining his stance and leaving him open to attack. The fourth or fifth time this happened, he fell to his hands and knees, scraping his skin on the ground. He snarled in frustration and pounded a fist on the side of his calf.

“I hate this thing!” He grunted, trying to catch his breath.

Rey hunkered down next to him. “You have to really work on keeping most of your weight on your left foot. Use that as your anchor. Use your other foot for pivoting.”

“You think I don’t know that? What do you think I’ve been trying to do?” He snapped, almost immediately blanching and closing his mouth in instinctive dread of talking back. He pressed his palms against his eyes until he saw bursts of color. “I’m sorry. I know you’re just trying to help.”

“That’s okay.” Rey said softly. “Maybe we should take a break. You look really worn out.”

Kylo lowered his hands and heaved himself to his feet, trying to hide his exhausted sway. “No. I want to keep going.”

They kept going until the gym had almost emptied out. The sun was lowering in the sky, and the only other person in the place was a rather dejected looking man lifting weights in the far corner. Rey was looking tired, and Kylo felt exhausted, but he didn’t want to stop. There was something about the repetitive movement, the dull thud of their arms meeting, the simplicity of physical activity that helped to push all other thoughts out of his head.

They were completely alone in the gym by the time that Rey jabbed too hard and hit Kylo harder than she intended. His nose exploded in pain and he sprawled back onto the ground.

Rey gasped in shock and fell next to him. “Oh, Jesus! Are you okay? I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.”

Kylo felt his nose carefully. Some blood trickled out of one nostril, but it didn’t feel broken. He shook his head to push back the dizziness and tried to stand. “I’m fine. I’m fine. Let’s keep going.”

Rey put her hands up. “Woah, woah, woah. No, I think it’s time to call it a night.”

Frustration welled up in Kylo’s chest. He could take it. He was sick of being treated like glass. He was damaged, sure, but not breakable. Not anymore. “I want to k-keep practicing. This is nothing. I’ve had worse. I need to get better. Let’s keep going.”

Rey stared at his bruised nose with something approaching horror. She looked sick. “I don’t want to hurt you, Ben! I’m tired, you’re tired. We can pick this up another day.”

Kylo swallowed heavily. He knew what was awaiting him at home. Lonely, solitary sleep. And with it, dreams. He didn’t want to spend another night dreaming about Hux choking him nearly to death, only letting up to let him gasp in a few life-saving breaths before bearing down again. He didn’t want to dream about Hux clipping a leash to his collar and dragging him to some horrible party full of the people from Berlin and passing him around like a party favor. He didn’t want to dream about being trapped in a dark place, unable to move or see, hearing something huge digging through the earth to devour him. The tone of his dreams was only getting darker and more violent as time went on. Exhausting himself physically seemed to be the only way to avoid them.

“I need this,” he gasped, even his voice betraying that he was nearly at his limit.

“Why?” Rey asked, falling down to sit next to him, pushing sweaty curls of hair away from her face.

Kylo struggled for words for a few seconds. “I need to be… different.”

“What do you mean, different?” Rey asked.

Kylo stared at his hands twisting together for a few seconds. He traced a curling scar from the crook of his elbow down his forearm. “I’ve been… thinking a lot. I think that… there must be something wrong with me.”

Rey’s first instinct was to refute him. He kept talking before she could.

“I just mean that… Hux obviously knew that I… that I was the kind of person who would bend to pressure. He knew me so much better than I know myself. He must have seen the… I don’t know… the weakness in me. I know you all hate him, but he knew me better than anyone ever has.” Kylo said, still looking down at his hands.

“I don’t think you’re weak.” Rey said softly.

Kylo barely heard her. “Anyone else in my situation, they would have killed themselves or him. They wouldn’t have stopped fighting until one or both of them was in the ground. That’s what you would have done. You would have killed him. I took the coward’s way out. I gave in. He knew I would. That’s why he loved me.”

“You did what you had to survive. Not a soul can blame you for that.” Rey said.

“Yeah, but was survival worth it? I… I hate him, but I love him too. I think I always will. He showed me who I am at heart. I belong on somebody else’s lap. I don’t think I can be on my own.” Kylo said.

He looked over at Rey. She was lost for words.

“I just think, if I can get stronger… if I was a different person, he wouldn’t want me… Maybe I need to be someone he wouldn’t want.” Kylo struggled to articulate what was going through his head.

“But then you’re just changing yourself again, and it’s still for him, even though he’s not here anymore.” Rey protested.

Kylo shrugged helplessly. “I think it’s always going to be for him.”

Rey managed to convince him to leave that night, but he asked Luke to go out the next day. He kept asking one or the other, even as the days went on, he got more and more tired. Exhaustion was a good substitute for excessive emotion. Feeling nothing was better than those never-ending dreams.

* * *

Before long, he’d nearly reached his limit, and everyone could see it. He was twitchy and exhausted, clearly not sleeping very well, and seemed to be backsliding.

Leia thought it was time to float the dog idea again. Hopefully enough time had passed that Kylo would have had time to process it. And it was obvious he needed something beyond him to take care of. After a bit of wrangling, she managed to convince him to go back to the shelter.

Kylo spent the ride over tapping his foot nervously on the ground and holding down his leg in an attempt to calm down. He was full of nervous energy that he was having a harder and harder time controlling. He’d had a bit of a headache for a few days now that wasn’t even close to going away.

He’d agreed to the dog despite his doubts of his ability to take care of something. In a dim way, he recognized that it was a nice idea, but he was half-hoping that once Leia saw how ill-equipped he was to take care of a pet, she would understand and stop pushing. The prospect of adopting a dog only to have to take it back to the shelter was a grim one, but he thought she would only give up once she saw how inept he was. He hadn’t been able to take care of Clarence despite his best efforts. Her death still gnawed at him even now, a little cancerous dark spot in his stomach that likely would never go away. If he was being honest with himself, he didn’t really think he had the capability of loving a pet again. Hux had effectively stomped on Clarence and Kylo’s heart at the same time.

As they pulled up to the shelter, Kylo had to fight down his anxiety that threatened to overwhelm him. He would just try to do this as fast as he could. Choose whichever dog seemed most appropriate and get out of there as soon as possible. The sooner he failed, the sooner Leia would see this was a lost cause. The idea of the responsibility of another life was not a welcome one.

Kylo was relieved to see there was a different receptionist here than last time. This was a slightly paunchy, middle-aged man with thinning hair, Birkenstocks, and a ratty ponytail. He looked up and smiled when he saw them.

“Leia, yes? He said, standing up from his desk.

Leia walked up. “Yes, hi. I think we spoke on the phone. You’re Gene?”

He held out a hand for her to shake. “That’s me. And you must be Ben, then.”

Gene held out a hand for him to shake, and after a moment of consideration, Kylo responded. He gave him a thin smile, but had to concentrate on staying calm. His heart was going at a rapid rate, but he really didn’t want a repeat of last time.

Kylo trailed behind Leia and Gene as Gene led them into the back. Kylo had to brace himself for some kind of horrible sight, but it was just a nondescript hallway with bags of bird feed and colorful mats piled up by the wall. They passed a few rooms with different animals. Kylo was relieved to see there were no rabbits. He could hear dogs barking at the back, but instead, Gene led them into a huge side room with a few partitions and an open space that led outside to the spacious backyard.

“Well, this is the exercise yard for the dogs. Usually we get them out here in shifts. Big dogs for an hour, medium dogs, and then the bitty ones. The last thing we want is some little Pekingese getting trampled by a bear of a dog or anything. Sad for the dogs, sad for us. We do our best.” Gene rambled pleasantly as he led them along, Kylo trailing farther behind them.

The yard and back third of the room was filled with a crowd of excitable, big dogs, running around and getting all their energy out. Another volunteer was sitting on a chair outside, ostensibly reading a book but looking up every couple seconds to shout a particular dog’s name and get them to back down.

Gene led them to a smaller partition where there were six significantly calmer dogs sniffing around. A few were even sleeping.

Gene turned to Kylo. “So, your mom was telling me a little about what kind of dog you’re looking for. Something calm, probably. A real good dog. I always say there are no bad dogs, just bad owners, but you really shouldn’t get me started down that road, because you won’t be able to stop me. So I handpicked a couple dogs for you, let me know what you think.”

Gene started in on a catalogue of the virtues of each of the dogs. There was a long-faced sleepy dog named Sally who wagged her tail gamely when Kylo hesitantly came forward to pet her. There was a golden retriever who trotted over to sniff at him and Leia curiously, and even another dog that had been specifically trained as a therapy dog. Kylo could sense Leia trying to subtly push that dog on him.

Kylo sat down in the chair provided for him, and dutifully listened to Gene trying to sell each of the dogs on him. Each of the dogs was pleasant and nice, and he couldn’t deny that it felt good to just sit here calmly and pet the dogs, but still, the prospect of actually taking care of one of the dogs once he chose one was overwhelming.

He couldn’t stop thinking about the night Hux had given Clarence to him, the relief at the thought that at least part of the nightmare was over. The instant connection he’d felt when he’d given her a little something to eat and picked her up for the first time. His stomach turned over. Even the dim chance of getting attached to another pet and then having something horrible happen to it was too much to bear. He’d barely survived the first time.

“So… what do you think?” Leia asked brightly. “I personally kind of like Russell over there. He’s pretty cute.”

“Yeah…” Kylo said noncommittally. Each of these dogs looked breakable, helpless. He didn’t know how to express to Leia that he couldn’t be trusted with any kind of life. He’d failed the first time. He didn’t want to fail the second time.

Gene picked up on his hesitation. “Now, any of these dogs are a good choice. I guarantee you’ll fall in love with whichever one you choose. Just do whatever feels right.”

Kylo looked back down, twisting his fingers nervously. Over the past few weeks, he’d gotten a lot better at being comfortable with making decisions. Small ones, yes, but decisions they certainly were, after so long not getting any. This felt like too much. This was too big a decision for him to make. He could feel the old, low panic roll through him.

“I don’t know, I mean… I don’t want to waste your time. I’m just… having a hard time, uh, choosing…” He said, heart in his throat.

“Well, that’s alright I’m sure we can-” Gene started up, getting interrupted by the sudden crashing sound of two dogs out in the yard getting into a sudden scrap, and all the dogs around them howling and barking in response. The volunteer outside had leaped out of her chair and ran towards the fighting dogs, shouting at them to cut it out.

“Excuse me for a second. I’ll be right back with you.” Gene said, hurrying off to help.

Leia watched him go and then turned back to Kylo. “Well? Any feeling one way or the other?”

One of the dogs startled him by nuzzling into his hand. Kylo jumped up and stepped back a few paces. He hated being unable to make a decision like this, but everything that could go wrong was running through his mind and he had the starts of a pounding headache. “Mom, I can’t do this. I can’t – I’m sorry, I know you want me to, but this is just too much. If you choose, maybe that’ll be, be okay, I’m just not feeling very good.”

Kylo backed up out of the enclosure with the handpicked dogs, and Leia followed him, trying to convince him to stay.

Gene jogged back over. “Everything all right, folks?”

Leia started to explain the situation to him, and Kylo tuned her out. It was too loud in here, there was just too much movement and sound and he’d known this was a bad idea, but he so desperately wanted to make Leia happy, so he’d agreed to it. His head pounded, and he thought he might be sick.

A small group of the other dogs wandered over from the larger group and started sniffing the new people.

Kylo’s eye was caught by a larger chocolate-brown dog with half of one ear missing and a deep divot on one flank from some kind of a fight. The dog didn’t look very friendly, and frankly, was a little frightening. The dog was pacing around the outside of the group, looking at them distrustfully.

Two other smaller dogs came running up to Leia and Kylo in turn. These were on the younger side, and were busy chasing each other and yapping. Kylo flinched violently when one of them jumped up on him, nearly knocking him off balance.

Before Gene could intervene, the brown dog stepped forward and let out a growling bark, startling the smaller dogs into backing off. One of the smaller dogs stepped forward with his hackles raised like he wanted to start a fight, but the big, brown dog growled low in his throat. It was clear that he meant business, so the other two dogs scampered off.

“What about him?” Kylo asked Gene, after he’d collected himself a little.

Gene glanced over at the huge dog, and frowned a little. “Uh… I’m not so sure that’s the best idea. That’s Henry, he’s been here for a couple months. He’d been rescued from a fighting ring, and as you can see, he’s got a few scars to speak of. He’s not dangerous or anything, but definitely not a friendly dog. I think you’d be better off with one of these other dogs. They’re a hell of a lot sweeter.”

Kylo barely listened to him. He felt himself drawn to Henry right away. He took a careful step forward and got down on his knees. “Hey, buddy.” He said, extending a hand to sniff.

Gene was right about one thing. Henry did not look like a friendly dog. He was big and scarred, looked more like a mean stray who would attack a kid rather than a lapdog. He eyed Kylo haughtily from a few feet away.

Gene automatically moved forward to try and herd Henry away from Kylo. Upon seeing Gene move, Henry barked loudly and moved forward. Gene jumped and backed up a step, and both he and Leia tensed when Henry advanced on Kylo.

“Ben, honey, I think you should get away from that dog.” Leia said, worried.

Kylo didn’t move. Henry shoved past Gene dismissively and sniffed Kylo’s proffered hand. After that, he stalked two circles around Kylo like he was scoping him out. He came back around and his long, hound-dog face considered Kylo for a moment. If Kylo didn’t know any better, he could almost say the dog understood him.

Then, without any more preamble, Henry stalked up to Kylo and sat down next to him, leaning his heavy body against him, and shoving his head into Kylo’s hand in a clear request to be pet. Kylo complied, a little awestruck. Henry’s heavy tail thumped twice on the ground and then he looked up at Gene, almost as if he were the one picking Kylo out and not the other way around.

Gene’s mouth was hanging open. “That’s… incredible. Henry has been here for months, and he has never let a single person here touch him.”

Kylo scratched the dog’s ears while he thumped his tail. Henry’s tail was heavy enough to knock a toddler over. The dog blinked once, slowly, but still looked over at Gene and Leia suspiciously. He wasn’t ready to let his guard down.

Leia still looked a little nervous at the dog’s relatively dangerous demeanor. “You said you got him from a fighting ring? Has he ever… hurt anyone?”

Gene was on the cautious side as well. He hesitated. “No… he’s never bit anyone. If he had, we wouldn’t have him out with the rest of the dogs, but full disclosure, he does growl and snap if he doesn’t like somebody. He’s got a short fuse that you’d have to be careful of. He hasn’t been a biter so far, but he could be, and it would be difficult to say what would set him off.”

Henry huffed almost as if he were scoffing at Gene’s statement. He looked over at Kylo, and if he were human, his expression would have said _Get a load of this guy_. Kylo almost smiled. Kylo ran a careful hand down Henry’s flank, carefully retreating when he touched a spot where Henry started growling softly. It was torn up like he’d been scratched or clawed a long time ago.

For his part, he wasn’t worried about Henry trying to bite him. He felt a certain kinship with the dog. If Gene had asked his opinion, he would have told him that any aggression that Henry exhibited certainly didn’t come out of nowhere, that being trained to expect violence from every angle took its toll, that your only option was to be hypersensitive to threats from all sides, that even if someone didn’t mean to hurt it could still do damage. But Gene didn’t ask his opinion. He just kept petting Henry and let him and Leia talk.

“I don’t know.” Leia said hesitantly. “Do you think it would be… safe to take him?”

Gene shrugged. “My first instinct would be no. Henry is going to be… a high-maintenance dog, and from what you were saying, you wanted something more… mellow, right? A few of the dogs in there I’ve picked out are specially trained to help with trauma victims. They are the most easygoing dogs you’ll ever meet.”

“Hey, Ben. How about we go and take another look at some of those dogs. What do you say?” Leia pushed gently.

Kylo still sat on the ground with Henry. His headache and building panic attack from a few minutes ago had tapered off to almost nothing. He felt more relaxed sitting here with this dog now than he had in weeks. Years, really. Any concerns he’d had about taking care of a dog had temporarily receded.

He looked up at Leia. “I want this dog.”

Leia struggled for words for a moment. “Oh, I don’t know if that’s the best idea. You want a nice dog, don’t you?”

When Gene tried to advance again, Henry growled low in his throat, moving his body between him and Kylo. Gene stopped moving.

Kylo held one hand over Henry’s chest, feeling his strong, slow heartbeat. “I like him. You wanted me to choose, right? You want me to have a say? Well, I choose him.”

Leia looked torn. On the one hand, the entire point of getting a dog was for Kylo to have some sort of agency, to get used to decision-making again. On the other hand, she was clearly worried that Henry would turn around and bite half of Kylo’s arm off as soon as they stepped outside. “Honey… How do I put this. I don’t want to put you down or denigrate your intelligence, but don’t you think you might be… identifying… a little too much? I know you like him, but he could be dangerous, and I’m not sure you seeing that. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

“He’s a good dog. I can tell. Besides, he likes me. I want this dog.” Kylo said firmly. This was the only decision he could remember making that he felt this sure about.

Leia relented a little bit upon seeing his determination. “Alright. This is for you, of course. We’ll do whatever you want.”

Henry’s tail pounded twice on the ground again before wrapping around him. Kylo’s heart sang. He felt an almost instantaneous connection with this dog, an immediate affection that he hadn’t felt since getting Clarence.

Gene knew when to admit defeat. “Okay. The customer is always right, and all that. I’ll go get the papers drawn up, and we can send you home with some food and a bed.”

Gene beckoned for them to follow him, and with a certain amount of reluctance, Kylo stood up and moved to follow them. Henry immediately followed, trotting alongside Kylo as comfortably as if he’d known him all his life. His hackles raised and he bared his teeth a little when he passed Leia, but otherwise ignored her.

It took nearly an hour to draw up all the paperwork and make the appropriate payments, but Kylo spent the whole time sitting off to the side and gently petting Henry. The dog panted pleasantly and stayed at his side the whole time. He maintained a protective stance between Kylo and the other people in the room, almost as if he were trying to protect him from them.

After all was said and done, they were ready to go. Gene stood up and rooted around in the desk. “Okay, just one more thing before you go.”

He came out holding a collar and leash for the dog. Kylo’s stomach flipped over and he felt immediate revulsion and a phantom fear make itself known in his head. He scrambled to his feet and backed up a few steps.

“What is _that_ for?” He demanded, voice a little hoarse.

Gene looked mystified, and glanced down at his hand. “What?” He asked cluelessly.

Leia opened her mouth to defuse the situation, but Kylo spoke before she could.

“We are _not_ doing that.” He snapped with more conviction than he’d shown in months before fleeing from the room, Henry close on his heels. He could hear Leia in the room behind him weakly trying to explain the situation, but his ears were ringing and he had to work to control his gorge. His hands flew up to claw at his bare neck, and before he knew it, he was all the way out in the parking lot, hands on his knees, wheezing in whooping, unsteady breaths.

Sound started to move sluggishly, and he knew from experience he was starting to hyperventilate when a wet dog tongue licked a stripe up his arm. He looked up in surprise to see Henry standing in front of him, tail wagging and head cocked to the side. He was sure it was just wishful thinking, but he imagined the look in Henry’s eyes was telling him that he understood how he felt.

Kylo fell to his knees and embraced the dog, not even considering for a second that he might snap and bite him. Henry panted rank breath into his ear and allowed Kylo to hug him as tight as he needed.

By the time Leia made it out to the parking lot, Kylo had calmed down. He gave her a watery smile and told her he was fine.

Instead of sitting up front, Kylo got into the backseat with Henry, Henry jumping up beside him. Almost immediately, Henry lay half his body on top of Kylo, resting his head in his lap and closing his eyes. Kylo looked down at Henry and marveled. Sitting with the dog now, he felt an all-encompassing sense of security that he couldn’t ever remember feeling until now.

By the time they’d made it home, both Kylo and the dog were fast asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is the promised dog! Hope he lives up to expectations. If you'd believe it, I'm much more of a cat person, but cats cannot body-slam assholes that try to start something. Thanks as always for reading.


	7. Chapter 7

Henry quickly insinuated himself into the life of the household. He and Kylo got on immediately like a house on fire. Henry was never far from Kylo’s side, and the others were shocked to even catch him smiling once or twice at the dog. Henry seemed to have a very protective stance towards Kylo, always trying to stay between him and other people, running over in concern if he stumbled, and generally just keeping a close eye on him. Where some people might find that behavior smothering, Kylo seemed to find it comforting.

Henry’s attitude toward the other people in the house was a lot more strained. Kylo was the only one Henry allowed to touch him, or even really get near him. He regarded everyone else with suspicion and begrudging acceptance. He seemed the most okay with Leia, possibly because she had been the one that came with Kylo to the shelter. He would allow her to refill his food and water bowls when he was in the room, but otherwise wouldn’t come near her. Han and Luke he seemed to regard with a great deal of suspicion, possibly because they were men. For obvious reasons, he had a clear motive to be wary of them. He would always stay on the opposite side of the room from them, and his hackles would raise if they tried to come near, despite their best efforts to ingratiate themselves to him.

Henry completely eschewed the dog bed they’d brought home for him, opting instead to get in the big, unoccupied bed in the middle of the room. This entire time, Kylo had still been sleeping on the floor, but after the first night of watching his dog sleep in his bed, with no further ado, Kylo started sleeping in his own bed again, Henry’s heavy weight lying across half his body in his sleep. Once, he even slept through the night.

Henry provided a clear and reassuring presence for Kylo, and the effect it had on him was obvious. Any reticence he’d had before about being able to care for a pet immediately receded. The others noticed that it felt almost more like Henry was taking care of Kylo rather than the other way around.

The first hiccup came when it was time to take Henry for a walk. Any of the rest of them were more than willing to take the dog for a walk, but he wouldn’t let any of them near him. And Kylo still had a panic attack when it came to leaving the house on his own, so they were at a bit of an impasse.

For the first few days, Kylo just let Henry run around the backyard and work out all his energy that way, although he knew it was a short-term solution. The knowledge that he would need to leave the house, and do it soon, was inevitable.

Four days after bringing Henry home, Kylo woke up with the determination that today was the day he would leave the house. He had been doing his best to work up to it, and when he’d talked to Holdo about it, she’d given him some pointers.

He told himself that he’d been leaving the house fairly regularly already, and it couldn’t be _that_ much different than if he was with another person. Plus, towards the end there, Hux had allowed him to leave the house once a week to get groceries on his own. He hadn’t liked doing it, the cool terror that he would accidentally say the wrong thing to the store clerk or get lost on the way back and be late getting home or any one of a hundred mistakes he could make overwhelming. However, he’d done it. Because it was necessary. He could do this because it was necessary. If he was going to be able to take care of this dog, he had to be able to leave the house on his own.

He walked downstairs, listening to the pleasant chatter from his parents as they made breakfast. He stared at his jacket and sneakers sitting by the door. He was half-tempted to sneak back upstairs and stay in his room all day. It would be easier, more comfortable. However, one look at Henry, who was staring out the front window, eyes bright and interested, dissuaded him. It was unfair to Henry to put his own needs in front of the dog’s. He had to do this.

He entered the kitchen cautiously, holding one elbow with his hand. “Hi.” He greeted them quietly.

Han looked up and smiled, pushing a plate with toast across the table at him. Kylo scarfed it down really quickly, but he wanted to get this over with as soon as possible. He wasn’t going to be able to think of anything else until he did it.

“Um, I think I’m going to take Henry for a walk.” He announced cautiously.

Han stopped eating, and Leia turned around from the sink. “I think that’s a great idea, dear.” Leia said.

“Yeah, so…” He trailed off awkwardly. The habit of asking for permission to do anything at all was a hard one to break, even though objectively he knew it was no longer necessary. “I just thought I should… let you know…”

Han looked like he was going to say something, but Leia swatted him on the arm. He turned back to Kylo and smiled. “Have a nice walk, kiddo. Make sure to wear a jacket. It’s cold.”

Kylo nodded and backed out of the kitchen. Henry was waiting for him by the front door, tail wagging eagerly, thumping against the door every few seconds. Kylo focused mechanically on putting his shoes on and slipping on a jacket. He took extra time double-knotting the laces, every few seconds he could put off leaving the house were welcome ones.

Finally, he was ready, and he stood up and looked at the front door like it was something dangerous. Henry eyed him curiously, barked once as if to urge him to hurry up.

Kylo swallowed heavily and stepped forward. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the leash hanging from the coat peg. Leia had brought it back from the shelter after he’d stormed out. Kylo knew that he should probably use it, but the thought was bitter in the back of his throat. The thought of actually putting a collar and leash on Henry just to… No. He couldn’t do that.

He held his breath and opened the door. Henry scooted past him and was out on the lawn in a shot. Kylo stepped cautiously onto the porch and closed the door. Henry was running in circles on the lawn. At the sight, Kylo felt horribly guilty. Henry was a big dog, and he needed to get exercise every single day. He’d been cooped up in the house for a long time, and Kylo should know how awful that felt.

He walked down the driveway slowly, looking one way and then the other. It was a pretty quiet street, so there wasn’t anyone out. That was good. Maybe he’d be able to make it to the end of the block without losing it. He couldn’t help hugging his arms tightly around himself, and he kept glancing back at the house, like he was expecting someone to come out and scream at him for leaving.

Kylo took another few steps until he was at the foot of the driveway. His heart hammered in his chest.

He closed his eyes and put his hands over his face. “ _Jesus Christ, come on, don’t be like this. You can do this. Normal people walk their dogs every day. I can at least_ pretend _to be a normal person. Come on. Come on. Okay._ ”

He took a step onto the sidewalk, froze. Nothing happened. Nobody came running out of the house to drag him back, nobody screamed at him from across the street.

“Hey, Henry? Come on over here!” He called out, and Henry immediately heeded his summons, bounding over and running around him a few times before settling, panting happily up at him. Kylo reached down and pet Henry, the act of doing so settling him a little bit.

“Okay, buddy. We can do this, right? This is nothing. This is just a… a walk in the park, right? Literally, I guess.” He laughed nervously and started forward. Henry followed him.

He was two houses down, and so far, so good. Henry trotted placidly by his side. There were no other pedestrians, no cars passing by. This was fine.

It was only until he got to the end of the street that things became a little harder. He looked left and right, in his confusion not remembering where the park was. He stopped, wracked his brain. He’d lived here for the first eighteen years of his life, he’d walked to the park thousands of times, and yet for some reason, he was drawing a complete blank. This odd gap in his memory scared him. He wondered for the first time if Hux had done something to his head, that in the act of filling Kylo up with what he wanted, he’d pushed out essential knowledge he otherwise would have had.

After a moment’s deliberation, Kylo picked right and started walking. They were halfway down this block when he caught sight of a jogger on the other side of the street, coming the opposite way. The man stared at him when he went past, his expression unreadable but certainly unhappy about something. In the man’s wake, Kylo started wondering what he was doing wrong. It became harder and harder to keep walking, until he’d frozen in place again. Henry stopped a few feet ahead and barked at him.

Kylo’s fingers felt numb. Before he could think any more, he turned around and started walking back to the house. This had been a mistake. He kept scanning left and right looking for that jogger again. He wanted to get back to the house before the man found him. He didn’t exactly know what he was afraid of, but there was only so much disapproval he could handle, and his bar was on the ground.

He was about to turn the corner again when he realized Henry was not following him. He looked back to see Henry still standing in the same spot looking after him.

“Henry, come on! We’re going back!” He called out.

Henry barked at him, wagging his tail a little bit.

“Henry, let’s go! Please!” Kylo said a little louder, voice desperate. If Henry wasn’t going to listen to him, he truly didn’t know how he would get the dog back to the house.

Henry sat down on his haunches and panted. Kylo was about to despair when he looked around and realized the jogger he’d seen was nowhere in sight. In fact, now that he had a moment to think, the guy had probably forgotten about him the second he was out of sight. There was really no reason to not continue his walk.

Kylo walked back over to Henry, glancing back once more to reassure himself he wasn’t being followed. He looked down at his dog in consternation. “You’re kind of a shithead, aren’t you?” He said, not even realizing that he was going to curse until he said it.

Henry barked happily and started walking forward again. Kylo followed, feeling like he was the one being led around.

Kylo tried to deal with his anxiety by just imagining that he was on the way to the store to get food for Hux. It was expected of him, he’d been ordered to do it, so there was really no way around it. Putting himself in that obedient mindset did something to help him keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Before long, he and Henry found themselves at the park. It was kind of sad how it felt like an accomplishment.

The wider space of the park had him a little paranoid, and he really wanted to get back home as soon as possible. They’d only been out for about fifteen minutes, but it felt like an hour. He could always try and spend longer outside on subsequent walks. This was enough adventure for one day, he thought.

He was looking side to side for anyone heading towards him. “Okay, Henry. One quick loop around the small path, and then we’re going back home. Okay?”

Henry barked again, seemingly in acknowledgment. Henry ran a few feet ahead, industriously sniffing around in the bushes. At the far end of the park were a few kids on a swing set, and a couple was sunbathing on the hill, but the path wasn’t going to bring them anywhere near those people, so Kylo thought they were safe.

Without warning, a biker whizzed past Kylo’s shoulder on the left side. Kylo jumped violently and stumbled into a tree. He held one hand over his chest and waited until his heart slowed down. Henry waited patiently, not moving ahead until Kylo did.

They were three-quarters of the way around the path, and Kylo really thought he was going to get through this walk without any major issues when a woman came up the path towards them with her own dog, a medium-sized basset hound.

Kylo only had a few seconds to realize that he wasn’t sure how Henry would react around another dog when they were upon them.

The woman’s basset hound reacted first to seeing Henry, perking up and straining against its leash, barking loudly. Henry stopped in his tracks and took a few aggressive steps forward, letting out a low, growling bark to show he meant business.

The woman shrank back upon seeing Henry, trying to pull her dog back as well. “Oh, my God!” She exclaimed.

Kylo reached out for Henry. “Henry, come here!”

Henry didn’t react, taking a protective stance in front of Kylo. He didn’t move any closer to the woman or dog, just appeared to be warning them to keep their distance.

The woman’s basset hound howled again, straining as hard as he could to get at Henry.

Kylo had just begun to relax a little upon seeing that all Henry was going to do was stand his ground, but the other woman appeared not to feel the same. She yanked at her dog, pulling it off the path and across the grass in the opposite direction.

“You need to keep your fucking mutt on a leash, you goddamn lunatic!” She shrieked at him, backing up.

Kylo felt a thread of annoyance. If anything, Henry was behaving much better than her dog. “He’s a good dog. He doesn’t need one.” He retorted.

The woman’s face contorted in anger. “Excuse me? That dog could take someone’s face off in one bite!”

“But he won’t.” Kylo said, not entirely sure if that was true or not. He’d only had Henry for a few days, after all.

The woman backed up even more, torn between admonishing Kylo and staying far away from Henry. “If I see you again, you’d better have that dog on a leash, or you’re not going to like where you end up!”

Kylo watched her walk off with a pit in his stomach. He was _pretty_ sure that was an idle threat, although his ability to distinguish an idle threat from a real one at this point was pretty much nil. Either way, his appetite for this walk had completely vanished. He weakly called to Henry and started walking, relieved when the dog started following him.

He slunk back to the house as quick as he could. His nascent feeling of triumph at having left the house successfully had dissipated to make room for a sourceless guilt and jumpiness.

He practically slammed the door behind him as he reentered the house, pressing his back against the wood and breathing in short gasps. Henry sat in front of him and whined softly, trying to get his attention. Kylo couldn’t look at the dog. He couldn’t imagine going out again. He would have to figure out some other solution to the walk situation, but his racing mind couldn’t settle on anything.

He was startled by Han coming around the corner with a cup of coffee. Kylo wondered if Han had been waiting for him to get back, or if he’d been tasked with waiting by Leia. “So how’d the walk go?” He asked.

Henry’s ears went back when he saw Han, and he slunk out of the room with a suspicious look back at Han.

Kylo shrugged helplessly. “Not good.” He told his father what happened.

Han listened with quiet concern. “I see.” He seemed to struggle with how to say something.

Kylo was still pressed back against the door. “You see what?”

Han ran a hand through his hair, wincing at the sudden pressure on his chest. Dark guilt tried to dig into Kylo’s ribcage. Even though he survived being shot, Kylo’s betrayal had still left scars. “I don’t quite know how to say this, so I’ll just say it. First of all, I really hope this doesn’t stop you from going out again. It shouldn’t. But…” He trailed off.

“What?” Kylo asked irritably. Lately, he seemed to have a newfound irritability that was as hard to control as his fear or his instincts towards compliance. Holdo said it was natural, that it was a good sign of progression, but Kylo didn’t quite see how that was true. All it did was make him feel more out of control of himself than he already was.

“That woman might have been a little out of line yelling at you, but you do have to put Henry on a leash when you take him for a walk. I understand why you don’t want to, believe me I do, but it’s the law. People will harass you about it, I’m sad to say.” Han said, tone reasonable.

Kylo blinked at his father. He had kind of expected to be backed up. His latent stubbornness seemed to be coming back too. “I’m not… I can’t – I’m not going to.”

Han took a deep breath. “Ben… what Hux did to you…”

A wave of resentment rose up in him without warning, and he stalked away from Han into the other room. “Can we _please_ have one conversation where we don’t talk about what Hux did or did not do to me?” He said, exasperated. “I’m so sick of thinking about it.”

Han followed him slowly, trying to stay out of his range. “Of course. I’ll just say one thing and we don’t have to talk about it anymore. Hux wanted to dehumanize you, it was just another tool of humiliation for him. I wish you could just never think about it again, but you have to somehow separate your feelings about that from Henry. When you take the dog out, you have no choice. It doesn’t hurt him at all, he won’t feel any ill effects from it. People will just expect that you can keep your dog under control.”

Kylo turned to face Han, jaw clenched. “Oh, like I had to be? Kept under control?” He spat bitterly.

Han just looked sad. “You know that’s not what I meant.” He said softly.

This time, Kylo managed not to touch his throat, but he knew what it still looked like, permanently marred by the collar Hux had made him wear. For a long time, he had managed to completely dissociate his innate feelings of disgust towards it, because he’d had no choice. He had even managed to convince himself it was a comforting thing, a sign of Hux’s comfort and protection. That was easy to do when it was only him and Hux in the house. Hux had liked it, so he’d made himself like it too.

However, like he was only just unburying this, Kylo remembered his abject humiliation when Phasma, Jack, and the other men had come over to the house for the first time. It was like inviting a third party into their life had reminded him of the truth of the situation. When they’d laughed at him, he had no choice but to ignore them, to say nothing.

He knew Han was right, but that didn’t make it any easier to accept.

It took him two days to work up to it, but the next time he got up the courage to take Henry for a walk, he took down the leash from the wall and knelt down to Henry. His hands were shaking so badly it was hard to do anything with them.

“Are you okay with this?” He asked Henry desperately, somehow knowing that the dog understood, if not the exact words he was saying, at least the general gist of it. “Because if you’re not, I – I don’t care what anybody else says about it, I’m not putting this thing on you. They can all go to hell.”

Henry panted happily and thumped his tail on the ground, too pleased that he was going to be going on a walk to care about anything else. However, he seemed to sense Kylo’s discomfort with the situation. He sniffed curiously at the leash Kylo was holding, then licked a stripe up the side of Kylo’s face. He seemed remarkably unconcerned with the entire situation.

Kylo wiped dog slobber off his face before smiling weakly and doing what needed to be done. It took him five tries to do up the clasp because his palms were clammy and his hands were shaking so badly. He just kept wondering how Hux felt when he’d put the collar on Kylo. Pleased, probably; powerful, in control, everything that Kylo wasn’t. He felt sick. It took him a few minutes to get his breath back enough to be able to stand up and walk out the door.

This time, the walk was fairly uneventful. Henry walked patiently alongside Kylo, not pulling and yanking him all over the place. It almost felt like Henry was leading him where he needed to go. They passed a few other joggers and bikers, and even a few other people with dogs. A teenager with bright green hair on roller blades zoomed past them with a golden retriever close on her heels. “Cute dog!” She shouted at Kylo with a wide, easy grin. He managed a watery smile back at her before she disappeared around the bend.

Henry looked up at him and barked as if to say _Nice going, slick_.

“Hey, I’m doing my best.” Kylo muttered back. He even felt a little good about it. He realized that was the first normal interaction he’d had with anyone since he’d gotten back (he always thought about it as having gotten back from something, like a trip. Never rescued), the first person he’d sort of interacted with that had no idea about any of his myriad issues. It was almost nice.

* * *

It was then when it seemed like he was finally making progress that Han asked him outside one afternoon. Kylo had been making progress with Holdo, sparring regularly with Luke and Rey, and even leaving the house regularly for short walks with Henry. He was still having nightmares nearly every night, and had trouble with following orders and loud noises, but small progress was small progress.

Kylo followed his father out of the house, holding one arm with his other a little hesitantly. The two of them had never really completely patched things up since he’d gotten back. Han seemed to have completely forgiven Kylo for what he had done, but that wasn’t a step that Kylo was willing to make for himself. As time went on, he only seemed to get more horrified at what he had done to Han, not less, as if somehow the scales falling away from his eyes revealed to him how awful what he’d done really was.

“What are we doing out here?” Kylo asked, curious despite himself, although still nervous as he was whenever he had to leave the house.

Han indicated down the block. “Take a walk with me. Just down there a little bit.”

Kylo followed him, surprised to see the familiar sight of his dad’s shitty rust bucket of a car, the Bentley Millennium. He hadn’t seen it since… well, since the night he’d shot his own father. The memory was fresh and unwelcome.

Han turned around to face Kylo, arms and grin wide. “Well? What do you think?”

Kylo flicked his eyes between the car and his dad. “About your car?” He asked uncertainly.

Han’s smile dimmed a little bit. “Yeah. I guess I could be a little clearer. I’m going to teach you how to drive.”

Kylo frowned in confusion. “Uh… I already know how to drive.” For the first time in years, he wondered what had happened to his own car. He wondered if it was still parked at the docks where he’d gone on the day when everything changed. The thought of his car sitting there, year after year while he’d been gone was an eerie one. He suppressed a shiver.

Han leaned against his car, as natural as breathing. “Sure, sure, you know how to drive _a_ car, but you don’t know how to drive _my_ car.”

Kylo blinked in complete shock. Throughout his entire childhood, Han had barely let Kylo _touch_ his car. When he was 15 and learning how to drive, he’d had to settle for Leia’s car, because every time he looked crosswise at the Millennium, Han would get twitchy. Frankly, Kylo didn’t really understand the sentiment. If he was being honest, the car was a piece of shit. Nobody but Han would want to drive it in the first place. Han had probably spent more on repairs and parts replacement than he had on the car in the first place, but he loved it.

“You’re… going to let me drive your car?” Kylo asked in disbelief.

“That’s right, and you’d better appreciate it.” Han said gruffly.

Kylo flinched involuntarily at the tone. Han noticed immediately and apologized.

Han dug his keys out of his pocket and dangled them from a finger. “So? What do you think?”

The idea of messing this up was nerve-wracking. “Um… I don’t know… What do I need a car for?”

Han shuffled his feet, uncomfortable with sentiment. “Well… you’ve been getting out and about lately, which I think is great. But I’m sure you don’t want to be shuttled around forever. You need to be able to get places on your own. So I just thought… you could use my car.”

The idea of leaving the house more than he already was was nerve-wracking. A thought occurred to him. “I don’t think… I don’t know if I even have a driver’s license anymore. Probably not, right? I’m sure you have to renew that kind of thing.” Kylo trailed off, realizing just how out of touch he was with the rest of the world. The concept of driving a car or renewing his ID was so out of his everyday scope he hadn’t considered it until now.

Han waved a hand as if this was no issue. “Oh, we’ll get that taken care of sometime. It won’t matter if we take it around the neighborhood a few times.”

Kylo, worn down by his father’s enthusiasm, finally agreed. “Okay.” He said uncertainly, reaching out to take the keys.

He slid into the driver’s seat while Han got in on the other side. Kylo gently ran his fingers over the steering wheel, feeling like he was a little kid again, too short to be sitting in the front seat. The smell of cracked leather and decades of fast food, convenience store coffee and pine air fresheners washed over him. He was catapulted into a sense-memory of childhood before he could stop to think, of sleeping in the backseat on a long road trip to Montana, listening to his parents argue good-naturedly in the front, music playing softly on the scratchy radio. Things had been so good back then, so uncomplicated, and he hadn’t even known.

He didn’t realize he was crying until he opened his eyes to see Han looking at him in concern. Kylo wiped away the tears self-consciously, while Han reached a hand over and rubbed his shoulder with his thumb.

“It’s been a while, huh?” Han said quietly.

“Yeah, except for…” Kylo started, remembering Han driving like mad through the night, Kylo curled up in the passenger seat, pulling up the gravel path to that cabin where they’d taken shelter for so brief a time. He swallowed heavily.

“You know I forgive you for that, right? You don’t need to keep beating yourself up about it. It’s all over and done with as far as I’m concerned. “Han said, seeming to intuit what he was thinking.

Kylo shook his head. “I don’t think I can forgive myself for that, Dad.” He said, looking away.

They sat in that for a few moments before Han urged Kylo to start up the car. He started giving him pointers about the busted gas gauge and how you could tell whether it was actually low or not, how to work the stick shift, the correct way to adjust the mirrors as the motor was broken. Kylo just let his dad’s words flow over him in a wave. There was something very comforting, very _familiar_ about being in here. Although he couldn’t really imagine actually taking the car anywhere, he appreciated the sentiment.

Finally, after what felt like forty-five minutes of lecturing and pointers, Han nudged Kylo to start up the car and drive it around the block.

For a moment, Kylo was terrified that his ability to drive would have been one of the things that had been virtually eradicated from his memory by his time with Hux, but after two false starts, he managed to pop the clutch and get the car moving.

They drove around familiar streets for about an hour, never getting farther than two miles from home. Regardless, this felt like a win. He was only driving a few miles an hour, but Han seemed pleased to sit back and let him go.

By the time they’d made it back to the house, Kylo was riding high on this simple accomplishment.

Kylo pulled up to the curb, turned the car off, and automatically went to give his dad the keys. Han held up a hand.

“No, keep ‘em. While you’re at it, keep the car.” Han said.

Kylo couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Like… for the night?”

Han smiled. “No. I’m giving you the car. I want you to have it.”

“What? No, you can’t do that.” Kylo stumbled through his words. “I can always just get a ride if I need it, plus, I don’t even really go anywhere. You shouldn’t have to give up your car just so I can –”

Han let him ramble himself out. He was running his hands over the seat cover, a nostalgic look on his face. “You know I’ve had a lot of good times in this car. I got it from this buddy of mine back in the day, real huge hairy guy. Most people couldn’t understand a word he was saying, but he was as honest as the day was long. Never knew why the guy spent so much time with a scoundrel like me. Me and Lando outran the cops in this car a few times too many. I took your mom on our first date in this car, and she kicked me right out the passenger side door when I tried to kiss her. I think all the best times of my life have been in here.”

Kylo listened to this in silence. Didn’t Han hear what he was saying? This was exactly why he _couldn’t_ give this car to Kylo. All he would do was sully Han’s good memories of the car. He had the amorphous but sure conviction that he was indelibly tainted, and he would only ruin whatever good had come from this car.

Kylo shook his head and held the keys out, hoping Han would take them. He couldn’t speak.

Han refused to hold out his hand. He was smiling softly at Kylo, and Kylo felt so horrifically undeserving of this kind of affection he felt the urge to scratch him to pieces. The sooner Han realized that Kylo was everything Hux said he was, the sooner they could both save themselves the trouble and end this charade.

“I’ve had my time with this car, and she’s served me well.” Han patted the car door like it was a good horse. “But I want you to have it. There’s nothing that would make me happier than to know that my son was carrying the torch, maybe getting some good use out of this old rust bucket like I did.”

Kylo surprised himself by leaning forward and wrapping his arms around Han, burying his head in his chest. It had been such a long time since he had received such uncomplicated, unselfish affection. He’d completely forgotten what it felt like. Han hugged him back, wrapping his skinny, warm arms around him.

“I love you, Ben. I hope you know that.” Han muttered, rubbing comforting circles on his back.

And, for the first time in forever, sitting in that car full of good memories, Ben remembered what that name had meant to him once upon a time, and what it could still mean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter might be like... the nicest thing I've ever written lmao, but hey, we've probably earned a little bit of sap, right? And don't worry! There are plenty more complications and setbacks in the road coming up.


	8. Chapter 8

Kylo sat in the front seat of Han’s car, fingers gripped tight around the steering wheel. Although Han had technically gifted him with the car, he still couldn’t bring himself to think of it as _his_. It was something loaned to him, something he was allowed to use. He still thought of most things this way.

He was supposed to see Holdo today, but she’d called this morning and asked him if he wouldn’t be able to come to her house instead. She’d said it was because she and her wife were busy doing renovations, and she had to be around to help, but Kylo wasn’t stupid. He knew it was only her not-very-subtle way of coaxing him out of the house. He felt a little resentful that he had to be tricked, but he also knew it was inevitable.

Henry sat in the passenger seat beside him, panting happily, just pleased to be getting out of the house. Kylo pet him absently while he tried to work up the courage to start up the car. He was coming to think of the dog as a bodyguard of sorts. He felt more centered knowing Henry was there.

He looked down at his new phone he’d been given. He’d already plugged Holdo’s address into Google Maps, he knew where to go. It was just a matter of actually _doing_ it. For a while, he just sat in the car, struggling with the strange sensation of having a car, a phone, a place to be.

He’d been taking Henry for a walk every day after the first time, so he was at least comfortable enough walking around the neighborhood, but driving somewhere new was a different story. He twisted the chain that held the rings around his finger and pulled it taut against the back of his neck for a moment. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, wishing Hux was here with him. Then he let go, put the key in the ignition, and started the car up.

It took him fifteen minutes longer than the estimated time for the trip because of how slow he was driving. Every intersection he came to, every car he passed, every jogger he had to wait for to cross the road caused a moment of acute anxiety welling up in his gut. He kept wanting to give up and go back home, but truth be told, he knew how important this was, how much rested on his ability to just keep going.

He made it to Holdo’s house forty-five minutes late. It was a tidy, ivy-covered house at the end of a cul-de-sac with an overgrown tomato garden out front. Kylo’s first thought upon seeing the house was the ivy on Hux’s house.

He let Henry out of the car and tentatively walked up the front step, nervous in a way he couldn’t describe for a moment. He hadn’t just gone to someone’s house on what amounted to sort of a social call for a long time. He stood stiff and indecisive on the stoop for nearly a full minute before he got himself together enough to knock.

The door opened almost immediately on a woman he didn’t recognize. She was pleasantly plump and short, a threadbare t-shirt for a heavy metal band pulled over paint-splattered shorts. They were clearly work clothes, so Holdo hadn’t been lying when she said they were doing housework. She smiled when she saw him.

“You must be Ben! Hi! I’m Cassie.” The woman said brightly, automatically going in for a hug before thinking better of it and aborting. Kylo could see the realization and hesitation in the woman’s face as she remembered who she was talking to and adjusted her behavior accordingly. He wondered off-hand if he was going to see this same mini-drama play out on the face of every person he met from now on. The thought exhausted him. He wished that the marks of what he’d been through were not so obvious to other people, that he wasn’t immediately branded as damaged to whoever saw him. He scratched uncomfortably at the base of his neck, where he knew Hux’s old brand still was.

He realized he’d just been standing there uncommunicative for a few seconds, and quickly course-corrected. He jerked himself back into life. “Hi. Um, I’m here to see Holdo. Or, uh… Amilyn, I guess.”

He felt uncomfortable using her first name. He’d had to consciously squash his instinct to call her ma’am. His tendency towards submission to authority by this point was hardwired. Unprompted, he realized that even Hux had made him call him by his last name. The very idea of calling him Armitage, even in their most intimate moments, seemed laughable.

Cassie smiled wide and opened the door farther, ushering him in. “Of course, of course, we’ve been expecting you, dear. Amy! Ben’s here!”

Kylo stood stiff while he listened to Holdo’s footsteps coming from the back of the house. He knew in an objective way that this was the part of the proceedings where he’d be expected to contribute some small talk, compliment their house, ask about the repairs, something. All things he felt completely unequipped to do.

He was only broken out of his passive daze when he saw Cassie move to crouch down in front of Henry, who was currently sitting silently by Kylo’s side.

“Oh, uh, please don’t.” He said quickly, wincing at her confused glance up at him. “Henry doesn’t really… like people…”

In seeming support of Kylo’s statement, Henry stared warily at Cassie, body completely still but definitely not wagging his tail or inviting any kind of greeting.

Cassie stood back up and nodded. “Understood. I probably should have asked first.”

By this point, they were both saved from conversation by Holdo arriving, her scholarly hands covered in some kind of grease. She was wiping her hands off on a filthy towel. “Welcome! You found the place.” She said, tone cooler than her wife’s but with just the smallest amount of hidden praise that Kylo’s starved brain set upon.

“Yeah.” He said simply.

Holdo led him towards the back of her house. The kitchen was covered in drop sheets, paint cans and piles of plywood. Renovations were clearly underway.

Cassie danced nimbly through the piles of plywood to get to the fridge. “Can I get you something to drink?” She called back.

“Uh, no, thank you.” Kylo said. Being able to politely refuse an offer was a relatively new development, and he saw Holdo notice. She seemed pleased.

“Okay, how about your hound dog over there? He’s probably thirsty.” Cassie said.

Kylo accepted this, took the proffered dish of water from Cassie and put it down on the ground, because he knew Henry would not accept a stranger giving him anything.

After a time, Cassie made herself scarce, leaving Kylo and Holdo alone. She continued what she was doing before he arrived, painting the walls a light green. She solicited Kylo’s help with the other wall, which he was happy to do.

“So, how was the drive over?” She asked nonchalantly, like it had been nothing.

“Fine. It took me a while to get here. I was, um… pretty slow.” Kylo said, focusing most of his attention on making sure his brush strokes matched up, that he didn’t accidentally paint across the doorframe or anything.

Holdo shrugged off-hand. “Well, you made it here. That’s what counts.”

Kylo was silent for a few moments while he executed a few brush strokes. “Henry helped. I don’t think I would have gotten here otherwise.”

Henry was overseeing the operation from near the doorway, head on his paws, perking up every few seconds whenever Kylo moved like he was keeping an eye on him.

Holdo glanced back at the dog and nodded. “Mm. He’s a good navigator, then.” She said. It sounded like a joke, but Kylo knew she understood what he was saying. “I like that dog. I think he’s good for you.”

Kylo looked at his new shadow, his scarred junkyard hound. He couldn’t deny that he felt safer with Henry around, that just the thought of Henry coming between him and someone who meant him harm was immensely comforting. Hux used to be that for him, both the one causing the harm and keeping it from him. Henry was simpler, cleaner, a guardian angel with no ulterior motive. “Yeah, I think so too.”

“And what else are you up to?” Holdo asked.

Kylo blinked. “What else?”

“Well, sure. You can’t be sitting around on your ass all day. Have you thought about what you want to do with your time? I think it’s a little early for a job, but some kind of volunteer work, a hobby, hiking… I don’t know, I’m just throwing around ideas. The point is you need something to do with your time.” Holdo had paused her painting, expending her full attention on Kylo.

Kylo really hadn’t thought about that at all. Every single ounce of his energy had been spent on just _surviving_ , getting through the day, not panicking, not hurting himself, not falling over himself to please every person that looked at him sideways. He wasn’t sure if any of that was ever going to go away, but Holdo was right. There came a point where he would need to decide what was next. He wasn’t quite there yet, and he wasn’t used to making decisions for himself, but he supposed he would have to get used to it.

“I don’t know,” he said, staring hard at the wall.

She caught his indecision. “That’s okay. You don’t need to have an answer right now. Just think about it.”

“Okay.” Kylo nodded.

The next half hour was spent in silence, Kylo and Holdo nearly completing their respective walls. Cassie came in a few times. Henry kept a suspicious eye on her every time, but it seemed clear to him that she wasn’t a threat.

Kylo had gotten so comfortable with mindlessly doing work that he didn’t realize he had zoned out until he felt a hand fall on his shoulder. He jumped, but it was just Holdo. He was standing looking out over the backyard, one hand clutching the rings around his neck.

Holdo let go immediately once she’d gotten his attention. “Sorry to startle you.” She said carefully. “What are you thinking about?”

Kylo shrugged, searched for words. “I’ve been thinking a lot recently. About a lot of things, but… about names. My name.”

Holdo’s eyebrows rose, and she nodded carefully. This was a big conversation, and she knew it. This wasn’t a topic they had really touched on in any detail. Holdo had followed his family’s lead in calling him Ben, and he had long stopped contradicting them.

“Tell me about it.” She said, running paint-splattered hands through her paint-splattered hair.

Kylo looked at the ground, bit his lip, scuffed his feet. “My mom wants me to go by Ben again. My dad too.”

“Mmhmm,” Holdo responded neutrally.

“I get it, I do. I don’t know. I’m not… it used to bother me. It felt… dangerous, when people called me Ben. Like they were trying to tempt me into doing something I shouldn’t do.” Kylo said lowly.

“That’s understandable. Do you still feel like that? We’ve never really discussed this particular issue.” Holdo said.

“No, not really. Now, it just… it doesn’t make me feel anything. Which is fine. I’ll take it, I guess.” Kylo said.

Holdo waited a while before asking her next question. “And how do you feel about Kylo? Do you still think of yourself that way?”

Kylo nodded.

“Do you want to?” She said.

“The thing is… it’s not like Hux made it up. My name – _the_ name. I don’t know, it’s… I was going by it before I ever met him.” Kylo said slowly.

“Why is that?” Holdo asked.

Kylo shrugged. “If I’m being honest, I don’t really know. It was just a stupid nickname that stuck. I can’t even remember where it came from. It wasn’t like… an identity or anything. It was just a nickname. Lots of people have nicknames. It didn’t bother me when I came home for the holidays and my parents would call me Ben, because that was my real name, and it’s just… different people call you different things. I don’t know. It didn’t seem like such a big deal back then.”

“But now it’s different. Of course.” Holdo prompted.

“Yeah,” Kylo’s lip curled bitterly. “Now it’s _Hux’s_ name.”

“Do you want to go by Ben again, then?” She asked.

Kylo thought about it. He had been thinking about it for a long time, but he thought even more. “I don’t know… I don’t think so. I don’t think I mind that people call me Ben, but…”

“But thinking of yourself that way feels disingenuous.” She pushed him along.

“Yeah. I’ve been through too much. I’m not that person anymore. I was just a kid back then. I didn’t know anything about… well, about how the world could be.” Kylo said.

“You could pick another name. You’ve done it once, you could do it again. Something you like, something that suits you.” Holdo offered as a possibility.

Kylo considered it, but ultimately set it aside. He shook his head. “I don’t know… That feels fake too. Like I’d be pretending to be someone I’m not. It feels like… like running away.” And he’d never make that mistake again.

“You know you have your own life to live now. You’re your own person to be, whatever you choose that means.” Holdo said softly. The light was dying from the day, gray shadows gathering in the garden outside.

Kylo ran his tongue against the roof of his mouth, feeling the blunt piercing that was still there, right where Hux had left it. He probably could have gotten it removed if he’d asked, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to. By this point, it felt like such a part of him.

He smiled humorlessly. “That’s a nice sentiment, but I don’t think it’s entirely true. I’ll always be the person Hux made me, for better or worse. I don’t know that that’s going to change. I think… my name reflects that. A little bit of me, a little bit of him.”

He finally looked up at Holdo. She was normally so impassive and professional, that he was surprised to see a sadness in her eyes that she was unable to whisk away quick enough when she saw him looking.

“That’s your decision, of course, although I wish you would just think about the fact that your opinion might change.” Holdo said carefully.

On the way home, Kylo made it halfway there when he passed the gym Luke had been taking him to. He looked at it in the rearview mirror, wishing he could stop. He had so much pent-up energy from his discussion with Holdo that he didn’t know what to do with. He’d made it another three blocks before it occurred to him… he _could_ stop. If he wanted to. In fact, there was nothing stopping him. It took him another six blocks to get up the courage to turn back around.

He pulled into the parking lot of the gym, staring at the familiar building with longing. He could see the posted hours outside the door. It was still open for another two hours.

He looked back at Henry, who was laying down in the backseat. “Hey, do you mind if I go in for a few minutes? I don’t think… they probably don’t let dogs in there…”

Henry huffed in his sleep. He didn’t look like he was in any hurry to get up. Kylo rolled the windows down just in case, even though it was a chill day.

He wandered into the building cautiously, walking down the short hallway to the workout space. He hovered in the doorway, watching the few other denizens of the gym. There were two women boxing in the ring at the far end, a man running hard on a treadmill, and another man trying very hard to complete a set of push-ups. That was it.

None of them looked up when he walked in, none of them demanded to know what he was doing here, why he was here without permission, without a keeper to take control of him, why he wasn’t going home the second he didn’t have an approved activity to do… In fact, none of them even seemed to notice him.

Kylo walked over to the far wall that held two battered punching bags. He toed his shoes off carefully, glancing behind him to see if anyone was watching him. He rolled his shoulders and glanced down at his hands. They were trembling, and he waited until they stopped before squeezing his hands into tight fists.

He did what Luke and Rey had been teaching him, keeping his stance light, able to pivot off his bad foot at a moment’s notice, wrist straight and firm. He took a few experimental jabs at the punching bag, working until his breath came a little short.

He had a buzzing energy under his skin that in the old days would have preceded him doing something truly regrettable, but now… he just had to live with it. He couldn’t stop thinking about what Holdo had said. About going back to Ben or coming up with a new name for himself. Both felt wrong. He was Kylo now. Even if he went by something else, he would still have scars running up and down his arms and torso, he’d still be branded like a piece of livestock, he’d still have a pathological need to please everyone around him at all costs. Going back to Ben would be like pretending none of this ever happened to him, coming up with a new name would be like pretending he even _could_ be a new person, without all this damage behind him. No. He would be Kylo, because that’s what Hux liked, that’s what he’d been made into.

At the thought, a blinding pressure rose up in Kylo’s chest. He punched the bag so hard a jagged pain went up his arm. Ignoring it, he went for another strike, a hoarse shout escaping his mouth. He glanced behind him, but the gym had emptied out behind him.

Every time he landed a hit, he liked to imagine some of the weakness was leaving his body. He kept going and going and going until even his knuckles were bruised.

With every strike that landed true, he imagined he saw Hux’s face.

* * *

Kylo stood on the sidewalk in front of the bar, fiddling nervously with the string on the hoodie he was wearing. It was zipped all the way up in an attempt to hide his throat. It was the middle of the week, so there weren’t that many people inside, but a half-empty bar was still quite a challenge for him.

He glanced down at his phone for the thousandth time, verifying the text he’d gotten. A few days ago, he’d gotten a text from Seth, one of his few friends from before. Well, they hadn’t really been good friends, more hang-out friends. Rey had been the only good friend he’d had. He hadn’t thought of Seth at all since he’d gotten back, had kind of expected he would have forgotten about his existence.

_Hey, this is Seth. Got your number through the grapevine. Thought you were dead or something. Drinks Wed?_ The text had read, coming out of nowhere with no preamble. When Kylo had seen it, he’d stared at the phone for a long time, at first assuming it was a wrong number or a joke. Even calling Seth a friend seemed like a bit of a stretch, they were much closer to acquaintances. He never would have guessed that he would contact him out of the blue like this.

For no reason he could put his finger on, he accepted the invitation. It might have been that he’d finally reached the point where he wanted to leave the house, or maybe the prospect of seeing people that didn’t know what had happened to him was appealing. Regardless, here he was, heart in his throat, thinking he’d made a huge mistake.

He stepped into the bar, the smell of stale beer and cigarette smoke wafting over him. The floors were slightly sticky, the lights low. It didn’t take him long to locate Seth, sitting with two other acquaintances in the corner, sullenly nursing beers in near-silence.

Seth nodded vaguely in greeting when Kylo walked up, like he’d seen him just last week and not years before.

“Um. Hello.” Kylo said awkwardly.

Now that he was closer, he recognized the other two members of the party: Seth’s on-again, off-again girlfriend, Jess, and Brandon, a guy whose only claim to fame was that he’d been the third-best drug dealer at their high school. None of them looked particularly shocked or pleased to see him.

“Hey.” Jess said, playing with her hair, clearly bored out of her mind. From the way she had the tips of her boots resting on Brandon’s legs and not Seth’s, he was willing to say their relationship was currently off-again.

Kylo perched on a chair, smiling weakly and waiting for someone to make conversation. He really expected a little bit more of a reaction upon seeing them. Back when things were normal, he could go months without seeing these people, so he supposed it wasn’t that much of a surprise.

“Dude, aren’t you going to get a beer?” Seth asked. He was a vaguely ratty-looking person with mouse-colored hair and flat eyes. His best quality was his bossiness and willingness to come up with plans. Every group of friends needed one. He was wearing a button-down shirt with a loosely-knotted tie, which seemed like a new development.

Kylo startled, looking at the intimidatingly-long line of beer on tap. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had a drink. He was sure he was quite a lightweight now. “Oh, um…” He stalled, trying to force his brain into ‘ordering a drink at a bar’ mode instead of its usual survival mode. “I’m not much of a drinker… I might just get a Sprite or something…”

Jess stared at him like this was the most audacious thing she’d heard all day. “What do you mean, you aren’t a drinker? This is a _bar_.” She said, like he hadn’t noticed.

Brandon pushed Jess’s feet off of him and lumbered to his feet to get himself what looked like a third beer.

“Yo, get Kylo a beer too.” Seth called after him.

Brandon gave him a dirty look. “What am I, a waitress? Christ.”

Seth widened his eyes, and gave Brandon a pointed look that Kylo couldn’t begin to analyze. “Dude, just get him a beer.”

“Fine,” Brandon groused, and then walked off toward the bar.

Seth turned around, smiling somewhat incongruously. His teeth were too small for his mouth. “So! Long time, no see. What have you been up to?”

“We’ve heard some _crazy_ stories.” Jess said, leaning over the table toward him. She didn’t seem bored anymore.

Kylo’s stomach dropped a little. He had been hoping they wouldn’t have any idea what he’d been through. Almost the entire purpose of agreeing to this meeting was that he wanted to talk to someone who would treat him like a normal person for once. He was tired of being fawned over.

“Oh? Like, like what?” He stuttered, trying to feel out how bad it was.

Seth and Jess met eyes. “I’m sure some of this stuff isn’t true. We kind of wanted you to… clear things up for us.” Seth said.

Kylo was temporarily saved from answering by Brandon returning with the beers. Kylo took the one that was offered to him and drained half of it almost before he could think. This conversation wasn’t going how he thought it would. He wiped the foam off his lip with a careless gesture.

Seth was looking at him, eyes assessing and somehow unnerving. “So?”

Kylo struggled to get back on an even keel. He didn’t want to talk about this. Any of it. That’s why he’d agreed to come here. These people had never seemed to care too much about him before, he didn’t know why they were starting now. “I – I thought you wanted to just hang out. You kn-know, catch up.” He said.

“Yeah, we are. I can catch you up on us in about twenty seconds. I got a bullshit sales job at some bullshit company, Brandon’s been arrested, what, three times?”

“Four,” Brandon interrupted, already somehow three-quarters of the way done with his beer.

“Sure, and Jess is up to the same shit as always. See? Boring. We heard you got involved with a fucking mob boss or something. Like, a real criminal, not a bullshit one like Brandon. No offense.” Seth said excitedly, leaning over the table into Kylo’s space. He wanted to back up, but Brandon was in the way.

“None taken.” Brandon said, looking at Kylo with interest.

Kylo stuttered at an answer for a second, trying without success to think of a way out of this conversation. He grabbed his beer like it was a lifeline and drained the rest of it in lieu of having to answer.

“Come on, don’t be coy.” Jess said, tapping her chipped nails on the table. “I heard from Lori who heard it from Mandy who has an Irish boyfriend, and he was reading the news the other day and saw some really crazy stuff about, like, murders and arrests and manhunts. Your picture was all over the place.”

Kylo’s heart was knocking against his ribs. He finished his first beer and found Brandon pushing a second at him. He took it gratefully.

“It’s, um… It’s complicated.” He said finally, when it became clear that he couldn’t avoid it any longer.

“Yeah, no shit! You’ve been off the grid for two years, and then you just show up again, and then we find out all this stuff has been going on without us knowing about it.” Seth said.

“Dish!” Jess pushed, smile small and mean.

Kylo felt anxiety crawl up his spine. Coming here had been a mistake. He wanted to leave. He wanted to be alone. He made to push his chair back. “I… I think I should go…”

“Don’t go.” Seth said, his expression playful, but tone anything but. “Sit down. We want to hear it.”

Kylo froze halfway out of his chair, head swimming a little from the beer he was now unused to drinking. Every thought in his head was telling him to go, to walk right out that door. That’s what Holdo would have told him to do, he knew. Nothing bad would happen if he left right now. He didn’t owe these people he barely knew anything. But stronger than any logical argument he could make was what the nerves in his body were telling him to do: fold your knees, sit down, obey orders. That tone’s authority was unmistakable, that tone couldn’t be bargained or argued with.

Seth seemed to catch his sudden panic, his indecision, the fact that he wasn’t blowing them off and storming out the door like any _normal_ person would have done. His smile widened, and he shared another glance with Jess and Brandon that Kylo wasn’t privy to.

“Kylo, sit down. We just want to talk.” Seth smiled.

Kylo swallowed heavily. There was nothing he wanted less than to talk with them. He sat down, hating himself for doing it.

“There, now. There’s no need to get up in arms. We’re just _curious_ , you can understand that, right?” Seth said, patting Kylo’s arm.

“Yeah,” Kylo said hoarsely, drinking more since it was right in front of him. The horribly familiar feeling of being trapped was sliding over him, something he thought he wouldn’t have to feel ever again.

Jess led the conversation this time. “So you lived with him, right? This Hux guy? We’ve been talking about it, and we just can’t figure out, like, what kind of an _arrangement_ you guys had. Did he pay you? Were you like, his arm candy or something? That’s what rich criminals do, right? They have, like, someone they keep around just for sex. That’s kind of hot.” She nearly giggled.

Kylo’s face heated up in embarrassment.

“Yeah, but like _I_ was saying, that doesn’t make any sense, because when that happens, they’re, like, high-end hookers something. Or they’re at least good-looking. Otherwise why would the guy even want them around?” Brandon cut into the conversation. He was much too close to Kylo.

“Uh, _dick_. Don’t be an asshole.” Seth laughed, completely at ease like what they were talking about could be taken so lightly.

Kylo dug his fingernails into his palms.

“Okay, like, _no offense_ ,” Brandon said, already working on another beer. “But you know what I mean. They go for, like, blonde chicks with huge tits. Or they have to be French or _something_.”

Kylo’s heart was pounding so much he could barely feel his face. He would gladly have dissolved into the floorboards. “It – It wasn’t, l-like that, uh, it was just… He didn’t pay me, it was just – just, we were just… _together_.”

“No. _Way!_ ” Brandon exclaimed, pounding his fist on the table in emphasis. Kylo flinched so hard his chair moved a few inches.

“Okay, but, like, what’s your secret? This is what we couldn’t figure out. I can’t imagine you’re like… _amazing_ in bed or anything.” Seth broke in. “You kind of give off the air of one of those losers that waits for marriage.”

Kylo had never been so happy that his rings were out of sight underneath his shirt. He shrugged self-consciously. “I – I don’t know… He just… liked me. I guess.”

Seth called the bartender over and ordered shots for the table, not bothering to ask Kylo if he wanted one or not. Once they arrived, Seth placed two shots of tequila in front of him. Everyone else got one, but Kylo didn’t even question it. His hands were shaking as he put back one and then the other. He would take anything that would help him forget this.

It wasn’t long before Kylo was well and truly drunk. His tolerance was basically at zero, and drinking so much in such a short period of time meant he didn’t have a chance. Blessedly, the conversation moved away from him for a few minutes. During that time, he desperately tried to think of a way he could leave without them noticing. Unfortunately, he was completely boxed in between Seth and Brandon.

After a bit, Brandon got his wallet out and slapped some money down on the table. “Well, I need a smoke. Let’s get out of here.”

Seth and Jess gathered their jackets up and stood. Kylo followed their lead. The second he stood up, the blood all rushed to his head, and he staggered into the table.

“Woah, I’m – I’m sorry…” He mumbled, concentrating on keeping his feet under him.

Jess grabbed his arm and steered him toward the door. The cool air outside was like a slap to the face, and it helped him straighten up just a little bit. He followed the other three around the side of the building. It was quiet and deserted, lit by a single streetlight. Jess hopped up on the hood of an old truck that Kylo vaguely remembered belonged to Brandon.

He kept glancing behind him, wondering if he could get away with leaving now, but Seth inclined his head to indicate he should follow them, and Kylo did, obedient as always.

Brandon took out a lighter and lit up a joint he had in his front pocket. After he had his fill, he passed it around to the rest of them. When it got to Kylo, he just took it. In his inebriated state, it didn’t seem to matter. God, he hadn’t smoked like this since he was nineteen…

The other three were talking about something, but Kylo’s head was spinning, and none of it seemed very important, so he let himself float.

He found himself leaning against the wall of the alley when his mind rearranged itself enough to notice that all three of them were staring at him. He struggled to figure out why, when he realized he’d pushed his sleeves up, after he’d put so much effort into covering himself up for this meeting.

Seth was watching him with cool eyes as he took another puff before passing it on. He walked up to Kylo. “Tilt your head back.” He said calmly in a tone that brooked no disagreement. Kylo obeyed nearly instantly, his head swimming.

He stiffened when he felt Seth’s fingers under his chin, pushing against his pulse point and urging his head back farther. Seth pulled down on the collar of his shirt to see his throat, and for a split second, Kylo had the panicked thought that he was going to take his shirt off.

“Huh,” was all Seth said in response to the reveal of the lesions on his neck and his now-visible scars. “So it was like that, was it?”

There seemed to be no more point in pretending. “Yeah,” Kylo answered, head still tilted back, voice tight and wounded.

“That’s what I thought.” Seth said, all the judgement obvious in his voice.

Before he could stop himself, tears rose up in his hot eyes and spilled down his cheeks.

Seth removed his hand, stepping back and allowing Kylo to lower his head again (and oh how he hated thinking of things in those familiar terms again, being _allowed_ to do things). He immediately dropped his eyes to the ground, not wanting to look any of them in the eyes. He thought in an off-hand way he might be sick.

“You owe me fifty bucks. I _told_ you rich guys are always into weird shit like that.” Seth’s unworried voice said to Brandon.

Brandon grunted, and scuffed his feet. “Yeah, whatever, dude.” He started digging around in his wallet.

Kylo stared at the ground, face burning with humiliation. Is that why they’d asked him here? To settle a _bet_?

He chanced a glance up. “Can… can I go?” Kylo asked, voice small.

Jess jumped off the hood of the truck and walked up to him. “Oh Jesus, you guys, you don’t have to be such assholes about it. Come here, I have something that’ll make you feel better.”

Kylo watched her come towards him with a curious kind of familiar dread. She pulled him down so he was at her level and kissed him, messy and wet. Their teeth clacked together unpleasantly. Although every instinct he had was screaming at him to push her away and leave, leave right now, he didn’t. Of course. He left his hands at his sides obediently, opened his mouth to her and let her do what she wanted. He closed his eyes, felt Snoke’s leathery hands wrap tight around his throat, heard Phasma’s droll voice ordering him to kiss her and make it good, remembered Hux flipping their positions so his weight pressed down on Kylo while he took what he wanted. Blood rushed in his ears.

Eventually, Jess pulled away from him, breathless and ruffled. She ran a hand through her hair. “There! Feeling better?”

Kylo stood limp where she’d left him, mind floating somewhere above his body. He heard his voice like it was someone’s else as he answered her. “Yes.” He parroted; it was obviously what she wanted to hear.

Her expression turned mischievous. “Was that a tongue piercing I felt? Because, honestly, that’s kind of hot.”

Kylo blinked uncomprehendingly at her. He nodded slowly.

Seth acted like he hadn’t even noticed what had happened. He clapped Kylo lightly on the arm. Kylo was far too out of it to flinch back. “Anyway, it’s good to see you. You’ll come to Derek’s house party next weekend? He just moved into a new place. It’ll be fun.”

He said this not as a request, or an invitation, just a simple statement of fact. _You’ll be there_.

Kylo nodded again. He wondered off-hand if he started screaming if they would just keep standing there, keep talking about things that didn’t matter.

Brandon was already digging his car keys out of his pocket. “Yeah, bring that Rey chick. She’s hot. I have no idea why you never went for that.”

Jess scoffed. “Oh my God, Brandon. She hates your fucking guts. She’d drop dead before she was in the same room as you.”

Brandon shrugged. “Yeah, obviously. That’s why I’m telling Kylo to bring her.”

Jess walked around the side of his truck. “Ugh, whatever. Give me a ride?”

“Yeah. See ya.” Brandon said, talking more to Seth than Kylo.

Kylo felt like his feet were planted into the earth. He didn’t move as Brandon and Jess got into the truck and drove away. Seth was still standing there, looking at Kylo like he was an interesting specimen. “Hey, stand on one foot.”

Kylo did without question, mind still floating somewhere far above him.

Seth shook his head in disbelief. “Jesus, you’re really fucked up, aren’t you? Anyway, see you next week.”

Kylo didn’t even notice he’d gone. He stood there until his leg started trembling and he fell against the wall. It took him another five minutes to get himself in enough order that he could start walking.

It had only taken him twenty minutes to walk here from Leia’s house, but the way back seemed to take much longer. He only made it about a hundred yards past the bar when his stomach lurched and he found himself on his hands and knees puking into the gutter. When he was done, he didn’t feel better. His head still swum, and his limbs still felt like cooked noodles.

He stumbled his way home. He kept running what had happened over and over again in his head. There were a million things he should have done. He should have left the second they started asking him questions he didn’t want to answer. He should have used even an ounce of the training he’d been working on with Luke to get Seth off of him as he steered him into the alley. He should have shoved Jess off of him and told them all to fuck off, like he would have once upon a time. Instead, he’d just stood there, and taken it. Done exactly what they said, when they said it. Nothing had changed. He was still the same submissive, scared little thing he was with Hux, but this was even worse, because he did what they said even when they hadn’t cared for him like Hux did. His vision swam in front of him. He’d been free for a while now, but when it came right down to the wire, he was still incapable of fighting back against people that wanted to use him as they liked. He’d thought he was getting better, but he guessed not.

He wandered back into the house, and nearly didn’t clock that everything was dark except the slightly ajar door of Leia’s office. Hushed, whispered voices came out of the office.

“He deserves to know. We should tell him-,” came Luke’s hushed voice.

“Absolutely not,” Leia snapped back, authoritative as always. “He’s been through enough, he doesn’t need _another_ thing on his plate.”

Kylo was too tired to even listen to the rest of that conversation. It barely even registered in his mind. He trudged up the stairs. The sound of his footsteps alerted the people in the office.

“Honey?” Leia’s voice called after him.

He couldn’t even get up the energy to answer her.

Henry was asleep in the bed when Kylo came in, and he wagged his tail in greeting. Kylo collapsed face-first in the bed, burying his face in Henry’s flank. Henry whined in concern, sniffing at Kylo’s neck as if he could find out what was wrong that way.

Kylo fell asleep like that, shoes still on, Henry whining gently in his ear, self-hatred weighing him down like a heavy blanket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, two steps forward, six steps back... Also if you have friends that suck this much, please get better friends. (I had to delete this chapter and repost it, because AO3 is not cooperating with me, so hopefully this posts this time.)


	9. Chapter 9

Kylo woke up the next morning in almost the same position he’d fallen asleep, except when he rolled over, he noticed his feet were tangled in the sheets. Henry had done his best to pull the blankets up over Kylo, but he’d only managed to get them halfway up his calves. Henry’s entire body weight was over his legs, so he couldn’t roll over without waking the dog up.

Kylo listlessly tried to free his legs from the blanket, but it quickly turned out to be too much work. He lay back down, face in his arms, staring across the room with a blank expression. He could still feel Jess’s tongue shoving unwanted into his mouth, Seth’s cold fingers pushing on his chin. His skin crawled at the memory.

Kylo dug his phone out of his pocket and checked it. He had one new text from Seth. He stared at the notification for nearly a full minute before opening the text: _553 Magnolia Lane. Friday. 9 o clock. Open bar! Be there._

No ‘ _sorry for getting you drunk so we could interrogate you’._ No ‘ _sorry for making a bet over whether or not you were tortured’._ No _‘sorry for letting our friend kiss you against your will_ ’.

Kylo rolled over and buried his head in his arms. He felt an unpleasant pit in his stomach. It wasn’t quite anxiety or fear or anything that he was unfortunately so used to feeling. It was just pure bitterness. Here he was again, in the same position as always, at someone else’s mercy. Unlike with Hux, there were no conflicting feelings, no sense of protection to balance out the grief. This was just pure misery.

Like usual, he didn’t know what to do.

He didn’t realize he’d dozed off, but the next time he opened his eyes, the light in the room had shifted dramatically. It must be midday. He squeezed his eyes shut against an imminent headache.

There came a soft knock at the door. “Ben? Are you awake? It’s getting kind of late, and there’s something I wanted to talk to you about…” Leia asked softly.

Kylo felt like he couldn’t answer. Every limb felt like it weighed a hundred pounds. Henry was looking at him in worry, head cocked to the side in question.

Kylo was startled at the door opening a little. Leia was getting worried at his nonresponse. She peeked her head in and saw him lying facedown in the bed with his shoes on.

“Are you okay?” She asked.

Kylo forced himself to lift his head and answer her. All he wanted right now was to be left alone. He had to act normal enough to get her to go away. He forced a smile, but was sure it just looked watery and unconvincing on his face. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just… tired.”

Leia looked at him in worry, biting one lip. “Did your reunion not go very well?” She asked cautiously, not sounding very surprised but trying to hide it. Kylo still heard it in her voice. He was sure not much was expected from him. They were probably blown away by the fact that he managed to put his shoes on.

He thought about lying, but as usual, couldn’t manage it. “No,” He said softly.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “Do you want to talk about it?”

He shook his head faintly. “Not really.”

“Okay. I’ll be downstairs if you need me.” Leia said, closing the door behind her. There was a moment of hesitation before she left. Kylo had a passing moment of curiosity about what she wanted to talk about before forgetting it.

He rolled over again, burying his face in the bed. He felt Henry shoving himself up between his arm and the bed until he was wedged right next to his face. Kylo rolled over to his side and wrapped his arms around Henry, breathing in slowly. Henry plopped his head down on Kylo’s other arm and sighed deeply, almost as if he understood what was going on. Kylo, sadly enough, appreciated the support.

The next time he was able to rouse himself, it was late. The streetlight outside his window cast a careening yellow light around the room. Henry wasn’t on the bed anymore, but when Kylo looked, he was on the floor looking at the door as if he were keeping watch.

He reached for his phone again. He had two new texts, both from Seth. _Well?_ read the first one from three hours ago. The second text was just a single question mark, sent an hour ago. He wasn’t going to be able to get away with ignoring this.

He stared at the phone for nearly half an hour, wondering what he could possibly say, what he could do to get out of this. He had a brief fantasy of telling Hux about it, handing his phone over meekly and looking at the ground, passively admitting he wasn’t able to handle it. Hux would have found out where Seth lived, driven there immediately, and slit his throat.

The thought was immensely comforting, but when Kylo opened his eyes, the texts were still there.

He spent another half hour composing his text back. He deleted it and rewrote it half a dozen times. At long last, he sent it. _I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to come. I wish I could, but I don’t know that it’s the best idea. For me. Sorry again._

Almost immediately, a reply shot back, almost as if Seth had been sitting on his phone waiting to hear from Kylo. The thought was disconcerting. _I already told them you were coming, they’ll be expecting you. They’ll want to know what happened, and I’m sure you don’t want me telling the story._

Kylo’s stomach plummeted. He wondered what exactly they said about him in the news stories. If he was less of a coward, he might have looked it up.

He hissed a breath out through his teeth. He didn’t want a repeat of last night, so he went as far as sending another text back.

_I don’t have a car, though…_ He tried, the lie stinging even though it was over text.

_I’ll pick you up_ , came back almost immediately.

At the thought, Kylo’s stomach tied itself in knots. He certainly didn’t want _that_.

_No, that’s okay. I’ll get a ride._ He said back, hating his conciliatory tone.

There was a longer wait for an answer this time. _Don’t be late_.

Kylo tossed the phone onto the ground, burying his face in a pillow, half-hoping he would suffocate.

He emerged from his room the next day, finally forced to address his growing thirst and hunger. He stood at the sink drinking glass after glass of water and watching Henry run around in manic circles chasing a squirrel in the backyard.

He hadn’t had the courage to look at his phone again. He hoped there weren’t any more texts waiting for him. He didn’t know what he was going to do. It seemed more and more like he had no choice but to go to this party. His mind had been running in circles trying to figure out why Seth wanted him to come so badly. He was sure he didn’t want a part of it, whatever it was, but his feeble attempts to say no had been shut down effectively. He was going.

He left Henry downstairs, not wanting to keep him locked up in his room all day. After eating a slice of cheese and a handful of lunch meat to tide himself over, he went back upstairs, curling up in his bed again. This was the reason why he didn’t want to leave the house in the first place, because things like this could happen.

Over the next few days, he kept wallowing in his room, rebuffing his parents’ attempts to get him to talk.

Finally, the day before the party, he called Rey. When she answered, it sounded like she was running a marathon or chasing someone. She was one of those people who always seemed busy doing something no matter what time you called.

“Hey,” she answered, a little out of breath. “What’s up?”

“Can I… can I ask you a favor?” Kylo asked nervously.

“Of course. Anything. Just say the word.” Rey said cheerfully.

“There’s… it’s a little hard to explain. There’s this party that I have to go to, and I don’t… I can’t go by myself. I was wondering… if you would go with me.” Kylo said in a rush.

There was a sound like Rey was shifting the phone from one ear to the other. “Sorry, I think I misheard you. You said a _party_?”

“Yeah.”

There was a pause on the other line. “Why would… I don’t mean to be… but isn’t that, kind of… a lot right now?”

“Yeah, I really… I can’t explain it. Please, just… will you go?” Kylo stumbled through the sentence, not sure what he would say if she demanded to know why he had to go.

“Okay…” Rey said a little hesitantly. “What kind of party? Whose?”

“It’s, um… at Derek’s house, I guess? I don’t know, Seth invited me.” Kylo said, stuttering over the word invited. He really didn’t want Rey to know he was being coerced into going, he didn’t want yet another piece of evidence that he was incapable of being a normal person. Maybe if Rey was around, nothing too horrible would happen.

“Well, hey, Derek’s alright. I actually think Poe told me he and Finn are going to that.” Rey said, sounding a little more at ease. “Seth, though? That guy is bad news. I’ve always thought he was kinda skeezy… You’ve talked to him?”

“Yeah, he, um, called me the other day.” Kylo really didn’t want to get into what had happened the other night. If he could keep her from finding out, that would be perfect. He still felt the sting of shame at how he’d allowed them to do whatever they wanted.

“Okay, I’ll be happy to go with you, but, if I can give you some advice? I don’t want to tell you what to do or anything, but Seth is kind of an asshole. I’m sure you remember what he’s like. And especially the way things are, you know, with you… I don’t quite know how to say this, but he’s the kind of guy who would take advantage of someone like you. And I don’t want to see that happen to you.” Rey said.

“Okay. Thank you,” Kylo said. He kind of wished Rey had been around to tell him this a week ago, but what was done was done.

The night of the party arrived, and Kylo sat nervously on the porch, petting Henry with one hand, half-hoping Rey would never show up. The thought of having to be around a group of drunk people he’d used to know was enough to make him dizzy, but the nebulous consequences of not going seemed worse somehow. Besides, he hoped Rey would keep him safe. He did feel safer when she was around.

“Sorry I can’t bring you, buddy. I don’t think they’d be too happy if I let a 200-pound dog run around the house.” Kylo scratched Henry’s ears, entertaining a brief fantasy of Henry jumping up on Seth and tearing his throat out.

Henry thumped his tail on the ground and panted heavily, happy to just be sitting outside with Kylo.

When Rey arrived, exhaust spewing behind her as she came, Kylo sent Henry back into the house with regret, and joined her in the car.

The whole drive there, Rey talked up a storm, but Kylo couldn’t concentrate on that. He sat staring forward, fingers clenched tight around his knees. He felt like he was being carted off somewhere to be executed. He would rather be doing _anything_ else, but it was far too late. He just hoped that once he did what Seth wanted tonight, he would leave him alone.

Rey pulled up to an older, clapboard house with nearly twenty cars parked up and down the street. The music was just audible all the way down the block. Kylo stared at it with his heart in his throat.

Rey glanced sidelong at him, noticing his acute anxiety. “Are you sure you want to go to this thing? You don’t have to. Just say the word and we can go back home. Get some fast food and watch a movie. Something like this will just be… overwhelming.” She asked, voice worried.

Kylo took a huge breath. “No, it’s okay. I want to do this.” He said, knowing he wasn’t even convincing himself.

Kylo trailed a little behind Rey as they walked up to the house. He followed her lead as she walked in. There were people _everywhere_ , hanging out chatting on the porch outside, lined up and down the stairs in groups, packed into rooms and nooks and crannies everywhere. Kylo tried to control his gorge, even though the amount of people packed into this space was giving him a headache.

As he followed Rey through the crowd, he reflected on the last party he’d been to, that horrible get-together in Berlin with Hux. He felt much the same now, trailing mute behind someone much more adept at handling this kind of situation. Rey seemed to know everyone here; she greeted almost everyone they came across, laughed and joked around with them. It only served to emphasize to Kylo how little he was prepared for this.

The first chance he got, he grabbed a beer and drank nearly half of it in a few seconds. He could only hope he wouldn’t have to be here long. While he stood against the wall, he looked out for Seth or any of the others, but didn’t see them anywhere.

Rey was a few feet away talking to someone Kylo vaguely recognized from high school. He didn’t notice someone coming up behind him.

“Uh. Kylo. Hey.”

Kylo turned around, a little startled, to see Poe and Finn standing there, staring at him a little awkwardly. Poe looked like he was searching for something to say while Finn pretended he was very interested in selecting the type of beer he wanted from the ice bucket. Kylo had a vague memory of both of them being there when he’d been pulled out of Snoke’s bunker, half-delirious and terrified. He’d thrown himself to the ground and begged them not to kill Hux, while Hux sneered. Poe and Finn had seen him at one of his lowest points, and hadn’t seen him since then.

Kylo flushed to the roots of his hair, wishing now that he was anywhere else.

“I’m, uh, surprised to see you here, man. I thought you’d be, well, uh, at home. You know, um… getting better?” Poe took a stab at conversation.

Kylo felt rooted to the spot. These two probably knew absolutely everything about what had happened to him, all the gory details, and moreover, he knew neither one liked him very much. The only link they all really had in common was their friendship with Rey.

“I’m… trying it out.” Kylo said finally, finishing off his beer and reaching for another.

“Cool, cool.” Poe nodded, half-looking to Finn for assistance.

“So I hear you’re doing well these days.” Finn offered up, his eyes lingering on his throat, his wrists. Finn had been in the room when Rey had found Kylo, when he’d been fully under Hux’s sway, still reeling from Snoke trying to force himself on him. In fact, Finn had been the second person from his previous life he’d even seen, even before his parents. Kylo could practically hear the judgement in his voice, knew exactly what he thought of him, what he was thinking.

“Yeah. I got a dog,” Kylo said, almost longing for a time when he wasn’t expected to speak. At least then, he didn’t have to wade through conversations like this.

Finn nodded and smiled politely. “Okay. Wow.”

All of a sudden, Kylo couldn’t be here anymore. He mumbled a quick excuse and escaped into the next room. He was sure Finn and Poe wanted to talk about him, but he couldn’t stand one more second. All he could think about was how they’d seen him last, brainwashed and gone. He was sure they were expecting him to still be like that.

It took him about five minutes to realize he was now separated from Rey, but going back to her would mean also going back to Finn and Poe, and he couldn’t take that. He wandered aimlessly for a few minutes, trying to find the quietest, most out-of-the-way spot in this house, but there were people everywhere. More than a few times, he caught people staring at him or elbowing their friends and whispering something in their ears. He felt sick. How many people knew what had happened to him? How many former acquaintances had read the news articles, were seeing him now, just putting two and two together? There were too many eyes on him, and he couldn’t stop himself from beginning to panic.

Kylo was fighting his way toward the exit when an arm came out of nowhere and hooked his elbow. It was Seth. “There you are,” He said, grinning. “I kind of didn’t think you’d really come.”

Kylo went stiff, allowing Seth to drag him through the party out into the kitchen, which was at least somewhat less occupied. Kylo regretted abandoning Rey now. Brandon and Jess were already there, being cheered on by a group of onlookers as they played some kind of drinking game.

“You told me to come.” Kylo said, feeling feverish from the constant press of bodies. He fought his instinct to press closer to Seth, to seek comfort from whoever was most authoritative. Seth didn’t mean him well, and he’d do best to remember that.

Seth laughed, digging through the fridge. “Yeah, I know, but I didn’t actually expect you to _show up_. Parties probably aren’t the best place for someone in your, uh, condition.”

Kylo was saved from answering when he re-emerged with a beer which he pressed into Kylo’s hands. “Here, you’re looking a little light. Perk up.”

Kylo had already drank one beer, which was more than enough to get him buzzed, but he felt like he couldn’t refuse. He started drinking this new beer as slowly as he thought he could get away with.

“Well, here he is. Guest of honor! Back from the dead.” Seth said, putting an arm around his shoulder and steering him toward the group in the kitchen. Kylo tried to disentangle himself from Seth’s grip, but Seth merely held on tighter.

Kylo was somewhat relieved to see he didn’t recognize any of the people in this group. They turned to Seth and Kylo as Jess and Brandon’s drinking game came to a close. Jess wiped foam off her upper lip with a flourish and took a bow. Brandon had come out the worse man evidently. Jess was wearing an army-green jacket that looked familiar to him, although Kylo couldn’t remember where he’d seen it before.

The other people in the group stared at Kylo like he was a circus sideshow. He wondered with a sinking feeling what exactly Seth had told them about him. He was getting very tired of being looked at like a curiosity in a museum.

“This him?” One of the guys asked Seth. He was older than everyone else at the party, seemed a little more rough around the edges than everyone else.

“Yeah,” Seth said eagerly. “Take a look at this.”

Without even asking, he pushed Kylo’s sleeves up to the elbow, exposing his arms. Kylo stiffened, his skin crawling. He wanted more than anything to push Seth away and go rejoin the rest of the party, but he didn’t. He did what he always did in situations like this: checked out mentally and let his body be manhandled. He didn’t really understand what Seth wanted from him, but maybe if he just didn’t argue and let Seth do what he wanted, he would leave him alone and Kylo could go home.

The older guy raised his eyebrows and whistled. “Damn. That’s heavy.”

One of the girls in the group was frowning, and looked a little troubled at what was going on. “Seth, what is wrong with you? Leave him alone.”

Seth rolled his eyes at her. “Kim, don’t be such a killjoy. Kylo doesn’t mind, does he?”

Kylo absently felt his shoulders being shaken. A response was expected out of him. “No, I don’t mind.” He said, tone flat. With hands that felt like they belonged to somebody else, he drained the rest of the beer Seth had given him, chasing that pleasant floating feeling that would help him get through this.

“I’m serious, maybe you shouldn’t-” Kim started, getting cut off by a round of protests. She put her hands on her hips and stalked out of the room, saying she was going to go find Derek.

Seth was talking, and Kylo tried to pay attention, but he was distracted by the dripping faucet in the kitchen sink. Someone should really turn that off. He would do it himself, but Seth was holding onto him too tightly. “It’s hilarious, he’ll do anything you tell him to. _Anything_.”

The rest of the group started arguing about it. Kylo looked at the ceiling and started counting spiderwebbing cracks in the ceiling.

He tuned back into the situation when he found himself being steered outside. The whole group was following, and they tramped across the huge backyard to a strip of trees a few hundred yards beyond the house. The sounds and light from the party drifted away. They were pretty much alone back here.

Most of this group was already fairly drunk, and they passed around a bottle of vodka between them. There was a lot of laughing and joking around which Kylo did his level best to tune out. This wasn’t any different than going somewhere with Hux. All he had to do was cooperate and hope that it would be over soon.

There were a few drunk requests that Kylo complied with, some giggled questions that he answered in a monotone. He wasn’t even completely aware of what he was saying or doing. He wanted this to be over immediately, he wanted to go home and sleep for a week, but he knew he didn’t have any control over what happened.

Finally, Brandon threw the empty bottle of vodka into the trees with a casual movement and dug into the inside pocket of his jacket. “Right, enough of this kid stuff. Let’s take this up a level.”

Even Seth stiffened when he pulled a gun out of his jacket. It was black, functional, and ugly. Kylo had seen enough in his days to know this was no toy.

“Woah, what are you doing?” Seth asked, his turn to sound a little nervous.

Brandon cocked the gun. It was loaded. “Don’t worry about it. I want to try something.”

Seth took one hurried step back, and Kylo found himself staring down the barrel of a gun. He supposed in an off-hand way he should be worried about this, but he was far too out of it now to be able to pull himself together. He looked at the guy placidly, didn’t move an inch.

“Get on your knees. Don’t move.” Brandon ordered.

Kylo did, kneeling on the ground, almost completely dissociated by now.

Seth was looking really nervous. “Uh, dude, you’re not going to kill him, are you? Maybe you should just put that away. We’re just having a good time. Maybe we should go back in. We were just screwing around.”

“Shut up.” Brandon said to Seth, looking at Kylo with interest. He leveled the gun at him.

Kylo stared at a spot somewhere above this guy’s left shoulder.

Without warning, Brandon pulled the trigger. A bullet punched into the tree trunk behind Kylo, missing him by a few inches. Everyone jumped except for Kylo. He hadn’t even flinched.

Seth and the others were completely freaked out by this point, trying to convince him to stop it, but he was already laughing, tucking the gun back into his jacket pocket. “I was just trying to see if he’d flinch or not. You guys can’t take a joke.”

A new voice broke up the group. “What the _fuck_ is going on over here?”

A broad-shouldered blonde guy that Kylo dimly recognized as Derek, the host of the party, was striding across the lawn toward them, fists clenched and eyes hard. Stalking a few feet behind him was Rey, who started sprinting when she saw Kylo on the ground.

Brandon laughed again. “Oh, cool off, we were just having some fun.”

Derek stalked up with murder on his face. “Yeah, well you can go _have fun_ somewhere else. I don’t know who you are, and I certainly didn’t invite you. Get off my property before I make you regret it.”

Brandon shrugged, and started trudging off without even an argument.

Rey looked completely aghast, only slightly mollified when she saw Kylo was unhurt. “What the hell is the matter with you people?” She snapped, her face darkening when she saw Seth, who had the tiniest piece of decency to look ashamed of himself. “You! I knew something weird was going on! Why can’t you just leave Kylo alone? What did he ever do to you?”

Seth was looking at the ground, but tried to defend himself. “He _wanted_ to come, okay? We were just joking around, we didn’t-”

Rey interrupted him. “He didn’t want to come, you piece of shit! You probably coerced him into coming.”

“I didn’t coerce him into shit. If anything, he should be thanking me for giving him something to do.” Seth shot back.

Rey’s jaw tightened, anger crossing her face. “You know what? That is _it_! I am so sick of people like you thinking you can take advantage of my friend like he’s a sack of meat and not a person!”

Seth was opening his mouth again to say something, but Rey was done listening. She pivoted forward and punched him right in the nose. He fell backwards with a cry, and the area turned to chaos as a fight broke out.

Kylo felt himself being pulled to his feet and piloted away from the fight. He still didn’t feel very well. The events of the last few minutes kind of felt like they’d happened to someone else. His head pounded and he swayed from side to side as whoever it was took him into the house again and up some stairs. As the person gently shoved past the seemingly endless line of people on the stairs, Kylo cleared his head enough to notice that the person steering him around was Derek.

Derek opened a door with his hip, and Kylo found himself being led into a bedroom. It was blessedly quiet in here, and Kylo took a deep breath, coming back to himself just the smallest amount. He no longer felt like he was floating above his body, but he still felt a little sick.

Derek was speaking gently to him as he sat Kylo down on the bed. “Okay, how about you take a load off? You’re looking a little pale. There you go.”

Kylo didn’t realize he was so shaky until his legs collapsed and he fell onto the bed. His head pounded. Derek let go of him as soon as he was sitting and disappeared into the attached bathroom for a second, re-emerging with a glass of water which he pressed into Kylo’s hands.

“Here you go. Drink that down. It’ll make you feel better.” Derek said, observing him carefully.

Kylo took the glass and drained half of it in a few seconds. “Thank you,” he said shakily. He _did_ feel a little bit better, but his body seemed to have caught up to the fact that he should have been freaked out by what had just happened. He found he was shivering nearly out of control.

“No problem. I just thought I should get you away from all of that. Sounds like Rey had a little aggression to work out.” Derek laughed, still watching Kylo carefully like he was about to collapse.

Now that Kylo was a little more clear-headed, he clued into the fact that he had been pulled away from the party by some guy he barely knew, who had brought him up to his bedroom. Kylo’s stomach sank. He wondered if Derek would be expecting some sort of compensation for rescuing him from those people outside.

“Feeling a little better?” Derek asked, face creased in concern.

Kylo had drawn back just the smallest amount, a slight frown on his face. “Yes, thank you. That was very kind of you.”

Derek shrugged. “No, just the right thing to do.”

There was a long silence. Kylo was stiff, and he couldn’t stop himself from instinctively checking the exits. Derek was standing between him and the door, probably on purpose, and the only other way out would be the window. Kylo seriously doubted he would be able to shimmy out of the window before Derek stopped him, and even if he did, they were on the second floor. He’d break his leg.

Derek seemed to notice his sudden trepidation. “You alright? You should probably finish that water. It helps, especially if you drank too much.”

His voice was soft, and he’d been nothing but kind so far, but Kylo didn’t trust that kind of thing anymore. In his experience, somebody always wanted something out of him. He wondered if he would have time to scream. The music in the house was pretty loud, and he wasn’t positive that anybody would hear him.

Kylo shakily brought the water back to his mouth in order to put off the inevitable. He had the sudden, paranoid thought that Derek had drugged the water. Why else was he so insistent that Kylo drink all of it? Kylo sealed his lips against the glass and only pretended to drink. His mind was racing far ahead of him. What was he going to do? Derek was either waiting for him to pass out, or Kylo was expected to make the first move, to anticipate what Derek wanted and give it to him. Derek had helped him, so now Kylo would be expected to return the favor. Maybe if he initiated, made himself seem more eager than he was, he would make it easier on himself. That sometimes worked with Hux.

Stomach tying itself into knots, Kylo set the water down on the side table. He stood up, and before Derek could say anything, he stood up and pressed his lips chastely to Derek’s at the same time as he reached for his belt buckle. He wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible. This had been the longest night, and it still wasn’t over.

Derek did not react as Kylo had been expecting. He jerked in surprise and stepped back, gently pushing Kylo away by the shoulders. “Woah, woah, woah! What are you doing?”

Kylo blinked at him, confused. “I’m… Didn’t you want me to repay you? For helping me?”

Derek looked horrified at the thought. “What? _No!_ No, I would _never_ – No. Absolutely not.”

Kylo wavered, uncertain what was expected of him in this situation, but knowing he’d better figure it out quick before Derek’s kindness turned into anger. Maybe he didn’t want to kiss him. Maybe he wanted…

Kylo started to get on his knees, but Derek blanched and pulled him back to his feet. “ _No_.” He said firmly. “That’s not – You don’t need to do anything for me. Seriously.”

“I don’t understand.” Kylo said, frowning.

Derek held firmly onto his shoulders, keeping him at arm’s length. “The only thing I wanted to do was help you. I’m not expecting anything in return.”

Kylo blinked. “Oh,” he said stupidly. A wave of embarrassment flowed over him, and he covered his face with his hands. “God, I’m so _stupid_.” He moaned.

Derek eased him back to sitting on the bed. “No, you’re not. You’ve had a weird night. It’s okay. Why don’t you just wait here, okay? I’m going to go find your friend. Drink some more water if you need to.”

Derek left the room. Kylo sat on the bed with his head in his hands, humiliation tight and hot in his stomach. Of _course_ that’s not what this guy wanted, he was just being a decent person, and Kylo had just managed to fuck it up.

He almost didn’t notice when the door opened again. He looked up, face still red, expecting to see Rey, but it was Poe, smiling cautiously.

“Hey, just thought I should check in on you. Rey and Finn are beating some heads downstairs, but I thought I should keep you company, check if you needed anything.”

Poe sat down next to him on the bed. Kylo tried to calm down a little bit. “You don’t have to stay. I’m fine…” Kylo muttered, wondering if he would be able to sneak out of the party and walk home. It was a long way to go.

“Oh, it’s no problem. I’m happy to do it.” Poe said cheerfully.

They sat in silence for another few minutes. Despite everything that had just happened, Kylo appreciated the company. Kylo could hear the muffled sound of shouting and fighting coming from downstairs. He recognized Rey’s voice screaming at someone that she was going to kill them and then the sound of glass breaking. After a time, he felt able to lift his head and look over at Poe.

“What are you doing here?” He asked in confusion. “You don’t even _like_ me.”

Poe looked over at him. “I don’t dislike you.” He said.

Kylo made a face in response.

Poe laughed self-consciously. “Okay, I mean it’s true that we’ve never really gotten along. But, I mean… considering everything that’s happened, that all seems like kind of small fries now, doesn’t it?”

Kylo shrugged.

They fell silent again. Kylo wasn’t going to say anything, but he found himself speaking even before he had a thought to back it up. “I’m just so _sick_ of it!”

“Of what?” Poe asked.

Kylo ran a hand through his hair. “Of not being able to say no. Somebody tells me to do something, and I just… _do_ it. I can’t stop myself. It doesn’t even matter who it is.”

“I mean, I imagine that kind of thing takes time, yeah?” Poe said gently.

“Yeah, but… I really thought it would be better by now. I really thought I would be better.” Kylo trailed off, the self-loathing of the past week threatening to bury him under its weight. If anything, tonight had just solidified what he already knew. He was incapable of taking care of himself. He would always need somebody else to save him, he would never be able to do it himself. He appreciated Rey being here to back him up, but the knowledge that he wasn’t able to do it himself really stung.

“Would it help if you practiced?” Poe asked hesitantly.

Kylo looked over at him in confusion. “What do you mean?”

Poe looked lost in thought. “I’m just brainstorming here, but would it help if maybe somebody gave you orders, and you worked on refusing them?”

Kylo thought about it. “Maybe…”

Poe brightened up. “I mean, I could help.”

Kylo blinked in shock. “You would do that for me? You would help?”

Poe shrugged. “Well, sure. I’m always happy to help a friend. Plus I love bossing people around.”

Kylo was frankly blown over at Poe’s offer. Before this, he would have said that Poe didn’t care if he lived or died, nevertheless be willing to help with something like this.

“Um. Okay.” Kylo accepted tentatively.

Poe smiled. “Great! It’s a plan.”

They were interrupted by the bedroom door slamming open, and an out-of-breath Rey standing there, blood on her knuckles. Finn was behind her, similarly battle-worn. “Let’s get out of here. This party fucking _blows_.” Rey said. Kylo was only too happy to comply.

Kylo did his best to convince Rey that he was okay, none the worse for wear on their way out the door, even as she apologized over and over for losing sight of him.

As they walked back to the car, Kylo caught sight of Seth and Jess across the street, limping to their own car. They looked much worse off than Rey and Finn did. Kylo’s stomach clenched, and hatred rose up in him. Before Rey could stop him, he crossed the street and walked up to them.

Seth glanced over to see it was Kylo and groaned. “Jesus, get out of here! I already told Rey I was sorry, okay? God, I’ll leave you alone, alright? You people need to learn how to take a joke!”

Jess didn’t even acknowledge Kylo, just walked around her car and got in the front seat. Before Seth could follow suit, Kylo walked up to him.

Seth sneered at him. “What, are you expecting an apology? I don’t do that kind of thing twice.”

Kylo’s feelings of helplessness and shame were rising up in his chest. He knew Seth was expecting him to punch him right in the face, but if Kylo was being honest with himself, that wasn’t the kind of thing he would be able to do. He glanced at Jess again, and realized something. An idea came to him out of the blue.

“No, I just wanted to give you a friendly heads-up.” Kylo said.

Seth scowled, the effect slightly ruined by the nasty black eye he had forming. “What?”

Kylo pointed into the car at Jess, who was impatiently drumming her fingers on the wheel. “That green jacket Jess is wearing. I couldn’t remember where I’d seen it before. It’s Brandon’s, isn’t it? I saw him wearing it the other night.”

Seth looked back at Jess, and the realization that crossed his face told Kylo he was right. “What the fuck does that have to do with anything?” Seth snapped, sounding churlish.

“Nothing, but clothes-sharing is usually reserved for people who are sleeping together.” Kylo said. “And if they’re running around on you behind your back, how quick before they cut you out of Brandon’s business, too? A guy like you can’t be doing too well at a sales job. You must be making most of your money on the side. If they freeze you out, how long before that source of income just dries up?”

Seth was staring at Kylo like he was speaking a different language. This wasn’t at all what he had been expecting out of Kylo. “You’re talking out of your ass.” He said, frowning.

Kylo shrugged. “Maybe. I’m just letting you know. Like I said. Just a heads-up.”

Jess chose that moment to poke her head out the window. “Seth, let’s fucking go! I want to get the hell out of here!”

Seth aimed one more suspicious look at Kylo before getting into the car and driving away.

Rey jogged up behind Kylo. “What did you say to them?” She asked.

Kylo shrugged. “Nothing. Can we go home?”

That night, Kylo couldn’t sleep, staring up at the ceiling, thinking about how easily he had acquiesced to those people’s orders, for no other reason than they said them forcefully enough, about how he had so completely misinterpreted Derek’s intentions that it was like they were living on different planets. He wondered if he would ever be able to stand on his own two feet again. He twisted the chain holding the rings around his fingers over and over and over again.

Nothing more seemed to come of the party until three days later, when Kylo was out walking Henry. This was one of the longer walks they’d taken, and Henry was loving the exercise.

Kylo jumped when a car squealed to a halt next to him, and someone jumped out of it, marching full-tilt towards him. It was Seth. The bruises and black eye that Rey had given him had darkened to a deep, ugly purple. He looked furious, and only stopped just out of reach at the sight of the hulking form of Henry.

“You son of a bitch! You piece of shit, you knew _exactly_ what you were doing!” Seth screamed at him, practically seething.

Kylo took a step back, tensing up. “Wh-what?”

Seth scowled. “Your _‘piece of advice_ ’ fucked me over, that’s what! I confronted Jess about what you said, about her sleeping around on me. She admitted it! She told she’d been doing it for months, and that she was getting sick of me! So I’m out! Out of her life and out of the business! And it’s all because of you! If you hadn’t said anything, I wouldn’t be in this mess! Do you know how much fucking money you cost me?”

Vindictive pleasure curled through Kylo’s stomach, although he tried to keep that out of his face, because he was afraid Seth would hurt him. “I – I didn’t know what was going to happen, I was just letting you know-”

“Bull _shit_ you didn’t know what was going to happen! You knew! What is this, some sick kind of revenge? I already apologized to your trigger-happy friend, okay? I don’t know what more you could want from me!” Seth shouted, stepping forward, but stopping when Henry started growling low in the back of his throat. He was standing guard in front of Kylo, hackles raised.

Kylo frowned. After everything Seth did to him, he still had the gall to act like this was Kylo’s fault. Pure irritation rose up in him, and this time, he just let it come. “You know what, Seth? Fuck off.”

Seth blinked in shock. “ _Excuse_ me?”

Kylo’s clenched his fists. “I said fuck off. You’re an asshole and you deserve it. You brought it all on yourself.”

Seth puffed up in anger. “Hey, you can’t talk to me like that, you-”

He advanced on Kylo with the intent to hurt him. Kylo didn’t even have time to flinch before Henry took three bounding steps forward and barked loudly, trying his best to snap his jaws closed around Seth’s left arm.

Seth’s eyes widened, and he stumbled back, just barely pulling his arm out of the way before Henry bit down. Henry came away with a strip of cloth from Seth’s shirt. Seth stumbled and fell back on his ass on the concrete.

Henry stepped forward, growling, and Seth scrambled away, fear obvious in his eyes. “Hey, keep that dog away from me, man!” He shrieked.

Kylo held onto the leash, but not too tightly, the sight of his tormentor on the ground pleading immensely satisfying. He probably wouldn’t have had the gall to say what he did if he hadn’t had Henry protecting him. “Get out of here, Seth. I don’t want to see you anymore.”

Seth scrambled to his feet and backed away. “You’ve got problems, man, manipulating people like that. It’s not right.”

Kylo looked at Seth, hardly believing that he was getting away with this. “Well, I learned from the best.” He said flatly.

Seth aimed one more mistrustful look at him before getting back into his car and driving away, his wheels squealing on the curb.

Kylo watched him go, a feeling of warmth ballooning in his chest. He didn’t even notice, but anyone passing by would have seen a bitter smile settling on his thin face. A small smile, but a real one, and his first since he’d gotten back. It felt good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, Kylo learned a thing or two from Hux. Some things were actually useful! Well, more was supposed to happen in this chapter besides the party, but it got away from me a little, so the rest of the plot will have to wait until the next chapter! Thanks for reading, as always.


	10. Chapter 10

Kylo stood outside of Poe’s house, a little uncertain. He knew he’d been invited, but the prospect of actually going in for this very strange visit felt a little odd.

Poe lived in a turn of the century house at the end of a cul-de-sac on the far side of town. It was quiet and out of the way, and Kylo still felt like he was intruding. He hadn’t brought Henry with him for once, although leaving his dog at home felt awful. Since Henry tended to be a little protective, Kylo thought that perhaps bringing him along for this wasn’t a good idea.

Before Kylo could get up the courage to knock, the door opened on Poe, who was holding a bowl full of cereal. “Quick question. Were you planning on knocking, or were you just going to keep standing there until kingdom come?”

Kylo flushed a little and shrugged. “Sorry.”

Poe’s face softened a little, seemingly realizing he’d been a little harsh. “Oh, hey, man, no problem. Ignore me. I’m just being… a dick. Sorry. Come in.”

Kylo walked into the house, hovering in the foyer. “Do you mind if I keep my shoes on? I, um, just feel better with them.” After so long without them, wearing shoes felt a definite link to the outside world, a promise that he could walk out the door whenever he wanted. Now that he had gained this luxury, he was loath to give it up.

Poe looked down at his own socked feet. “Yeah, no problem. Come on back. Everyone’s already here.”

Kylo entered the kitchen to find Finn and Rey perched on bar stools digging into their own lunches. Finn was trying to keep a burrito from completely falling apart on him and Rey appeared to be eating ramen. Kylo wasn’t sure how they all managed to be eating three different meals.

Rey smiled and waved when she saw Kylo, pulling out a chair and beckoning him over. Finn made a passing attempt at a polite smile and kept eating. Kylo understood the sentiment. They’d never gotten along, and that kind of feeling couldn’t be turned off at the drop of the hat, despite everything that had happened.

Kylo seemed to have interrupted the three of them, deep in some kind of argument on the proper ranking of some series of some movies. After listening to them for a few minutes, Kylo realized with a nasty jolt that he had never heard of _any_ of the movies they were talking about. It wasn’t like he was completely unaware of how cut off he’d been from the world for the past few years, but this just seemed to be the latest thing to hammer it home. There was a whole new series of popular movies he’d never encountered.

Eventually, the conversation turned to him. Poe tapped a finger on the table. “So Ben… Kylo… Sorry. What’s the uh, the nomenclature here? What are we going by?”

“Kylo.” He said quietly. He saw Rey grimace a little, but she didn’t comment.

“Okay. Great. So, this is kind of your rodeo. How do you want to do this?” Poe said.

Kylo blinked. He’d been unaware that he would have to really contribute to the planning. This had really been Poe’s idea. “Oh, uh. I – I don’t know.”

Rey jumped in. “Well, if we just start throwing things at you, and you work on saying no, do you think that’s enough? I mean, do you think that will help?”

Kylo shrugged. “Maybe?”

“Anything that will help you tell assholes like Seth and those guys to take a goddamn hike off a cliff is a good use of time, I think. Let’s do it.” Rey said eagerly.

Although this was the entire reason why they’d all gathered here, when the time, nobody was quite sure how to start. It was an odd thing to do.

“Okay, how about this? Eat the rest of this soup.” Rey said tentatively, pushing the remainder of her lunch over to him. Kylo stared down into the oily broth and bits of floating noodles. Nothing looked less appetizing right now. He shook his head lightly.

When Kylo didn’t move, Rey smiled brightly. “Okay, great! That’s a start.”

Kylo didn’t have the heart to tell her that he didn’t feel even a vague urge to follow that order. Because it wasn’t an order. He didn’t know if this was going to work. He knew they were all just trying to help him, that what they really wanted was for him to _not_ follow the orders. Thus, by disobeying them, he was actually giving them what they wanted. It made his head spin to think about it, but Kylo started to feel gloomier and gloomier about the prospects of this experiment.

“Uh… Do some jumping jacks.” Finn added.

Kylo didn’t even feel a twinge to do what he said.

Poe made a face at Finn. “What is this, Jazzercise? We starting a gym? What kind of suggestion is that?”

Finn threw a black bean at him. “I don’t know! I’m just trying to help. This is weird, okay?”

Poe turned to Kylo. “Okay. I’ve got it. Take the trash out. It’s overflowing.”

This time Kylo did feel a vague urge to do it, since this was a real request. The trash did need to be taken out, and he looked at it for a moment, but the knowledge that Poe didn’t actually want him to do it stopped this from being a real compulsion.

“Um, no thanks.” He said quietly, his stomach sinking at the same time. He’d thought this was a good idea, but he could tell this wasn’t going to work. These were just silly, frivolous requests delivered without authority. It was clear they didn’t want him to comply with these requests. None of the panicky compulsion to obey was falling over him.

“There you go! See, this is good, right? This is progress.” Rey said cheerfully.

Kylo sighed and slumped in his seat, putting his hands over his face. “This isn’t going to work.” He said quietly.

“What? Why not?” Rey asked.

Kylo looked at her, feeling exhausted. “Because this isn’t real. These requests aren’t real. You don’t… this isn’t what it’s like when I can’t stop myself. You have to _mean_ it, there have to be consequences if I don’t do it.”

Rey put out a tentative hand to stop him. “Well, hey, we can take some constructive criticism, we can try something else.”

Kylo was shaking his head and standing up. He didn’t want to sit here through another few rounds of this game. Because that’s what it was to them, a game. They didn’t truly understand, and how could they? The panic, the shaky desperation to please, the self-hatred at his own compliance, those were all things he couldn’t explain, that they wouldn’t understand unless they’d lived through what he had. “No, no, I should go, this isn’t working, I’m… I’m sorry I wasted your time…”

Kylo was turning to go to the door, when Poe hardened his gaze, straightened his posture in a moment. “Kylo. Shut up and sit down.” He snapped authoritatively.

Kylo flinched and his eyes widened. Before he could even think about it, he was complying with Poe’s request. He fell back into his seat like his strings had been cut and closed his mouth with a snap.

There was a long silence.

Rey shook out of it first. She stood up and walked over to Poe, looking furious. “Poe! What the hell is the matter with you? How could you do that? How could you take advantage of him like that, this isn’t a _joke_ -”

“Yeah, man, not cool.” Finn said, looking a little ill. He hadn’t participated very much thus far.

Poe ignored both of them. He was looking at Kylo carefully, who was sitting in his seat and staring straight ahead with a deadened expression. Poe softened his voice. “Hey. Like that? Is that what you mean?”

Kylo drew in a long, shuddery breath and nodded.

Rey stopped her haranguing of Poe and looked over at Kylo. She looked really upset. “You really want us to do something like that?”

Kylo stared up at the ceiling. He was finding it hard to look them in the eyes. “Yeah. This isn’t… this isn’t going to work otherwise.”

“Well, I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to hurt you.” Rey said definitively.

“It’s for his own good.” Finn noted logically.

Rey glared at Finn. “Oh, not you, too! Don’t you see how fucked up that is?”

“Of course I do, but if the goal is to help Kylo, it looks like that’s the only way.” Finn defended himself.

Rey looked back at Kylo, eyebrows drawn together in distress. “Okay…” She said doubtfully. “I don’t like it, but… but okay…”

Poe thought for a moment, looking across the way to the living room. “I have an idea. Kylo, come here.”

Kylo followed automatically, heart in his throat. This was strange. It was what he had wanted, what he had asked for, but now that it was happening, he didn’t know how to react.

Poe picked up a heavy-looking reference book and then hunted around until he found a second one. He held them out to Kylo. “You’re going to hold these, one in each hand, arms out at shoulder-height, for as long as I tell you to hold them. Got it?”

Kylo blinked and took the books uncertainly.

Rey stood behind him, eyebrows drawn together in worry. “Poe… I don’t like this.”

Poe exuded a calm confidence, and he didn’t break eye contact with Kylo. “It’s fine. I do this all the time. It builds up your core strength.”

“Yeah, but…” Rey started, looking back at Finn for back-up. He shrugged. “Poe, come on. It’s not the same. You’re not…”

Kylo didn’t know how she was going to end that sentence, and possibly she didn’t either. Not traumatized and pathetic, maybe. Not weighing one hundred and twenty pounds soaking wet. Not weak. Whatever it was, Kylo suddenly had the strange conception that he was proving something with this. He hefted the books, one in each arm, and looked at Poe steadily, trusting him to at least know what he was doing.

Poe arched an eyebrow and waved one hand. “Well? What are you waiting for? Get started.” Despite the fact that Kylo knew he was putting on an act, evidenced by the fact that he had been acting completely differently a few minutes ago, his cruel, disaffected stance was working on Kylo in the same way that Seth had.

Kylo spread his arms, holding the two books out at shoulder-height. Almost immediately, he could tell he wasn’t going to last long. His skinny arms started to tremble right away. These books were the real deal. He’d managed to put on a little weight from eating better and working out with Luke, but he still wasn’t anywhere close to what he was like before.

Rey watched with worried eyes as Kylo stood there. He felt unable to drag his eyes away from Poe, who was looking at him haughtily, like he had something to prove, but Poe knew that he wasn’t going to be able to pull it off. With a dizzy rush, Kylo found that he wanted to please Poe, whether it was the real Poe, or this fake persona he didn’t know.

It didn’t take long before his arms started to visibly shake. He felt a rush of shame that he wasn’t able to last longer.

“Don’t you dare put those arms down, Kylo. They stay up until I tell you you can stop.” Poe said coldly.

Rey took a step forward, opening her mouth to tell Poe to stop, but Finn put a gentle hand on her shoulder and whispered something in her ear. She backed up, still looking concerned.

The fact that this was an experiment, a test, began to slip from Kylo’s mind. His arms were shaking more and more, and he was starting to breathe heavily. He knew he wasn’t going to be able to hold this for too much longer. However, looking at Poe’s cold mask, he knew he had to try. Whether he was supposed to do what Poe said or _not_ do what Poe said started to get a little foggy in his head. He knew this wasn’t real, but it felt real. He might not actually be _hurt_ if he failed to complete instructions, but Poe would be disappointed. Rey would be disappointed. She would start to see that he was a lost cause. Kylo’s head spun in confusion.

All at once, his right arm dipped dramatically, and he almost dropped the book. Poe’s eyes flashed in warning, and Kylo gritted his teeth and brought the arm back up. His arms were starting to feel like cooked noodles, bending under the weight of the heavy textbooks.

His stamina being what it was, he only lasted a little while longer before he knew he was going to drop them. “Sorry. I can’t.” He panted, lowering his arms.

Poe took a sharp step forward. He didn’t touch Kylo, but that familiar, aggressive movement grabbed the instinctive, animal part of Kylo’s brain and put him in high alert. With a second wind he didn’t know he had, his arms lifted again. “That’s it. Keep those arms up. I don’t want to see them dipping again. Got it?” Poe snapped.

Kylo nodded his head. “Y-yeah.” He panted.

“Poe!” Rey couldn’t hold herself back this time. She sounded upset. “This is taking it too far. You should stop.”

Poe ignored her. Kylo had almost forgotten she was still in the room.

The next time his arms fell, he dropped one of the books. It fell onto the ground with a huge crash, landing spine-up. Kylo scrambled after it like he’d dropped a precious item. “Sorry!” He gasped.

“You’re bending the pages. That book is going to be ruined. Keep going.” Poe said, sounding angry.

Kylo swallowed down bile and picked up the book. He meant to lift it up again, but he was on his knees, struggling to stand up again. His arms were shaking, sweat dripped down the back of his neck, and he was emotionally on high alert. “I – I can’t,” He gasped.

“I don’t care.” Poe snapped, and if Kylo didn’t look at his face, he could almost imagine that it was Hux saying that to him, callously uncaring of the turmoil he put Kylo through in one of the many impossible tasks he had forced Kylo to do.

“I _can’t_ ,” He said desperately, not entirely talking about the books.

“Get up.” Poe snapped again.

This time it was Finn who stepped forward. “Hey, I think that’s enough.” He said quietly. “This is going too far, it’s not helping.”

Kylo barely heard that, all he was focusing on was the snapped order, as unavoidable as the word of God. If this was real, he would have already jumped to his feet, never mind his exhaustion. But then he looked down at his open palms flat on the ground. His ring finger was bare, free of Hux’s claim. All of a sudden, it was like he remembered this wasn’t real. He had been home for months, he had been free for months. There would be no consequences if he didn’t do as he was told.

He sat back on his heels and looked up at Poe. “No.” He said simply, the word not as decisive as he would have liked; it almost sounded like a question, but he’d gotten it out nevertheless.

Poe raised an eyebrow. “No?”

Kylo shook his head in brief exhaustion. “No.”

Poe let the silence sit for a while. “Okay.”

Kylo fell backwards so he was sitting on the floor, wrung-out and kind of embarrassed. He put his head in his hands again and just breathed.

Now that the spell had been broken, Rey ran forward and got down next to Kylo, rubbing his back comfortingly. “Was that okay? If that was too much, we don’t ever have to do that again. Promise.”

Kylo shook his head weakly, unable to answer for the moment. The fact that he had refused to comply felt important, felt decisive, although he wished it didn’t feel like such an accomplishment.

Poe hunkered down in front of him, making sure to give him enough space. “Was that… kind of what you had in mind?”

Kylo lifted his head and took a deep, calming breath. “Yeah. Thanks. I think… that helped. It had to feel real, you know?”

Poe nodded. “I figured.”

Rey still rubbed his back, looking troubled. “Was that… what it was like? With him, I mean. Did he make you do stuff like that?”

Kylo had never been able to adequately explain to Rey what he had gone through. Without a similar experience, she just wasn’t able to truly fathom it. He envied her her unsullied life experience, although he knew that was incredibly unfair.

Kylo nodded. “Yeah. I mean… not that. Specifically. But things like that. If I did something wrong. Not something bad enough for a real punishment, but small stuff.”

All three of them looked a little disturbed at the idea of ‘real’ punishment.

“Well, if you think that helped, we could do more stuff like that.” Poe said tentatively.

“I could do it.” Finn cut in. He’d been kind of quiet the whole time, although the fact that he was here at all spoke volumes. “Next time. If, if you wanted me to. I just think that it might help that we were never, uh, friendly.”

Kylo couldn’t help a dry laugh. The other three looked surprised. “Yeah. I think you’re probably right.”

“Okay. Well, how about we do something normal now. Like pretend to play a board game or something. I think we need a break, yeah?” Rey suggested, and Kylo tentatively agreed.

Later that night, after an evening that felt shockingly normal, Kylo was headed out the door to go back home. He hadn’t been away from Henry for so long since he’d gotten him, and he was looking forward to getting back.

He was digging in his pockets for the keys to the car that still didn’t quite feel like his when he was interrupted by Poe behind him. “Hey, Kylo. Got a minute?”

Kylo turned around. Poe had followed him out of the house, and now they stood on the dark sidewalk. “Yeah?” He said tentatively.

“Look, I just wanted to say something. I haven’t really had a chance to say anything before. I keep waiting for a good opportunity, and it doesn’t happen, so I’m just going to say it.” Poe said in a rush.

“Okay?” Kylo said.

Poe stuck his hands in his pockets, rocked back and forth on his heels. “I just… I wanted to say that I’m really sorry. About what happened to you.”

Kylo blinked in confusion. “Um. Okay? It didn’t really have anything to do with you.”

Poe looked up, and he looked guilty. “Of course it did. I’m the one that sent you to the docks that day. It was my fault. I should have told you to wait for backup, but I didn’t. If I hadn’t done that, you would have been fine. You would never have been taken. I just… I can’t help feeling like it’s my fault.”

“Oh.” Kylo said in a play to buy himself more time. He honestly had never thought about it like that before. He’d hardly thought of Poe at all, in fact, and it had never crossed his mind to blame Poe for what had happened, even in the chaotic, early days of his captivity. “I don’t… blame you. You couldn’t have known.”

Poe didn’t seem mollified. “I knew it was dangerous, but I sent you anyway. Back then, I thought the worst thing that could have happened was you got killed. That’s what I thought for a long time. That I had killed you. Just by being a careless asshole. But, it was worse. It was so much worse. It’s all my fault.”

Kylo was taken aback by Poe’s sudden emotion. They were never close, in fact were barely friends at all. He had no idea that Poe would even have thought of him in that way, that he would have thought of him enough to feel responsible for his fate. The thought touched him. He was so unused to being cared for.

“It’s okay. Really. It could have happened to anyone. It could have happened to you if our positions were reversed. There’s really no point in beating yourself up about it.” Kylo said, caught in the strange sensation of comforting someone else.

“I know I couldn’t have known. It doesn’t make me feel any better.” Poe said a little miserably. “Anyway, it’s not something I needed your forgiveness for or anything. I just wanted to get it off my chest.”

Kylo nodded.

Poe bit his lip. “Would you mind if I gave you a hug? You just kind of, seem like you need one.”

Kylo thought about it for a moment. “I’d rather you didn’t.” He said honestly. He was tired of being touched. If he’d been asked even a few weeks ago, he probably would have said yes, just gritted his teeth and bore it. Now, he felt like he could be honest.

Poe nodded, accepting this without any rancor. “Well, I’m glad you’re back. You’re looking good, by the way. You’re looking better.”

Kylo couldn’t imagine _that_ was true. He still felt the same as he did a few months ago, although he appreciated the sentiment. “Okay. Well. I have to go. Henry’s waiting.” Kylo said. Poe waved at him as he pulled away from the curb.

* * *

All in all, Kylo was actually getting to the point where he almost felt like he was making slow, measurable progress. Every step he took felt well-earned, slow as it was.

His quiet confidence was shaken one day when he got home from a walk with Henry to find a long, black government car parked outside of Leia’s house. Wondering who could possibly be visiting in a car like that, Kylo tentatively entered the house.

The second he opened the front door, he heard a heated argument coming from the living room. An unfamiliar man was speaking. “Your cooperation with the case has been noted. We appreciate the help you gave us in dismantling the First Order. That is one of the reasons we’ve overlooked some of your more… unsavory practices. But the fact remains that you are a criminal, and so is your son. We can’t know for sure that he wasn’t more involved in Armitage Hux’s business than he is saying. That whole traumatized bit might be just that. An act. If I had my way, we would have interrogated him the second he made it back on US soil. It’s a very convenient excuse, isn’t it? Pardons you from a lot.”

Leia’s voice was low and angry. “You wouldn’t say that if you’d spent more than a second with him. It’s not an act.”

“So you say.”

Kylo stepped hesitantly into the room, Henry at his heels like a ghost. “What’s going on?”

Everyone looked over at him. There was a man sitting there, with all the casual arrogance that spoke of having a badge in his pocket. Leia moved to speak first, but this man beat her to the chase.

“You must be Ben. Pleasure to meet you. I’m Arnold Billings. I’ve been following your case very closely.”

Leia frowned. “A fat lot of good you were. We had to do all the work ourselves. You didn’t even know he’d left the country.”

Billings gave her an irritated look. He turned back to Kylo with a fake smile. “Regardless, whether you knew it or not, I’ve been with you every step of the way.”

Kylo took an instant dislike to this man. From Henry’s raised hackles, he knew his dog felt the same way. He held on to Henry’s collar in case Henry decided to go for the jugular. That probably wouldn’t end well.

Billings reacted to Kylo’s blank stare with an increase in his strained smile. “Anyway, I’ve been trying very hard to get a hold of you, but your lovely mother here has been blocking my calls and making things very difficult. Just being protective, I’m sure.” He gave Leia a fake smile that Leia most certainly did not return.

Kylo didn’t like where this was going. “Okay. What did you want?”

“Well, I hate to bring this up, to pull you back into things, but I wanted you to come in, as a kind of consultant of sorts. We need your inside knowledge.” Billings said, cold, small eyes judging Kylo’s reaction.

“My knowledge of what?” Kylo asked.

“Of Hux’s whole sordid business. Regardless of whether or not you care to be involved or not, I’m afraid the whole enterprise spins around whether you’re there or not.” Billings watched him carefully to judge his reaction.

Kylo very carefully did not react. He really didn’t know what to say to that, how to react. What Hux had done to him personally eclipsed anything else he might have been involved in. Details of whatever Hux had been involved in whether with the First Order or after it dissolved was of no interest to him.

Billings was obviously getting frustrated with Kylo’s continued lack of response, although he tried to hide it, badly. “Hux’s charming partner Phasma has only continued to cause problems for us, and we need someone who knows her, who knew Hux enough to give us some insight into what she might be planning. Five Interpol agents are dead because of her.”

Phasma’s name caused an unpleasant jolt in Kylo. Of course, he’d known she was still out there, but he hadn’t really thought of her since he got back. He hadn’t really considered the possibility that he would ever have to see her again. His stomach felt like ice.

“I… I don’t know anything about that. Hux wasn’t… he didn’t, really, _tell_ me anything. About his business or, or any of that. You probably know more about it than I do.” Kylo stammered.

Billings’ eyes sharpened. “I’m sure you know more about it than you think you do. All we’re asking is a few days of your time. A few questions, and then you can be right back home like nothing happened.”

Leia couldn’t hold her peace any longer. “Absolutely not. I have been trying to keep you away from him. He doesn’t know anything about it, and even if he did, he owes you people nothing. He’s been through enough.”

Kylo wondered if this was what the hushed conversation he’d overheard the other night was about.

The very idea of doing any of this paralyzed him. He didn’t know anything about what Hux did outside of their house; in fact, was actively discouraged from asking any questions.

He tried to explain this to this man. “I really… I don’t think I’ll be able to help you with any of this. Really. I’m… I don’t know anything.”

Billings didn’t seem concerned. “I’m sure we can find a use for you.”

At this point, Leia stood up. “I want you out of my house. Now.”

Billings looked at her in annoyance. “Mrs. Organa, you’ve enjoyed an extraordinary amount of immunity because, frankly, Armitage Hux was a bigger fish than you. You helped take him down, for which we are, of course, very grateful. However, don’t think that that excuses you. If you’d like your immunity to end, for us to stop overlooking you and your people, by all means, continue antagonizing me. I’m not asking for much here. Just a few days with your son. All in all, that’s not a huge price to pay.”

Leia glared right back. They continued to argue, but all at once, this was too much for Kylo. He continued to stand there, but he tuned them out. They would decide between them what was going to happen. He would just go along with majority rule, he supposed. He was too tired for anything else.

Once the argument started heating up even more, he fled the room, going to sit on the front steps with his head in his hands. It was always something. He knew he was a fool to think there wouldn’t be any repercussions for his long habitation with Hux, that there wouldn’t be a price to pay. There was always a price to pay. By now, he should know that.

There was a loud crash from the other room like something had been knocked over. That signaled the end of the argument, as Billings came out of the room, walking quickly but still trying to look like he wasn’t fleeing. He saw Kylo sitting on the stairs, and after a quick glance back to see Leia wasn’t listening, leaned into him.

“You’ve been living in a little bubble here with people who have no problem wrapping you in a blanket and letting you forget all the harm that _you_ were complicit in. It’s time to wake up and join the real world, kid. You have reparations to make, and I’m going to make sure you make them.” Billings hissed at him before leaving before Leia could catch up to him.

Kylo watched him go, feeling a helpless kind of guilt roil around in his stomach. It wasn’t like what Billings was saying was so far out of the realm of what he’d already thought himself. He’d been witness to Hux maiming and murdering people. He thought of the trick he’d played on Jack that led to him being maimed so horribly. Would a completely innocent person have done that? He thought of Phasma shooting that guy Martin in the head as he pleaded for Kylo to help him. He probably couldn’t have done anything to change Phasma’s mind, but he hadn’t even _tried_. He’d just sat back and allowed Phasma to kill a man. He’d done the same with Hux. Maybe he had been more complicit in what had happened than he liked to think. Maybe Billings had a point.

Leia came to find Kylo a moment later, breathing heavily, cheeks flushed red with extreme emotion. “That _man_ has been a thorn in my side for longer than I care to admit. He was ostensibly in charge of finding you after I reported you missing, not that he did a lick of good. He didn’t do a goddamn thing, I found you myself, and now he has the fucking _nerve_ to insinuate that we owe him anything. Well, I’m not going to stand for it. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that, honey. I’ve been trying to keep this stuff from you. I wanted you to just focus on your recovery. Don’t worry. I’ll make some calls. I’ll take care of this. I’m not going to let him just walk right over us.”

Kylo interrupted his mother’s angry rant. “Mom. It’s fine.”

Leia cut off, stared at him. “What do you mean, it’s fine? It’s _not_ fine. He’s an overgrown bully.”

Kylo shut his eyes, spoke slowly. “Maybe he has a point. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just do what he wants. I don’t want him coming after you.”

“ _No_ , Ben. You don’t have to do that.” Leia got down and clasped his hands in hers. “I don’t want you hurt again. You don’t have to do _anything_ for him.”

“He said all he wants is to talk. He wants me to come along with him and answer some questions. I can do that.” Kylo said, tired beyond belief.

Leia frowned. “I don’t want him dragging up bad memories for you. I don’t want him taking advantage of you.”

Kylo smiled humorlessly. “Mom. It’s not like I’m not already thinking about this stuff all the time. I’m not… as fragile as you seem to think.”

“No, of course not! I don’t mean to say that you _are_.” Leia hurried to say. Kylo knew that she thought exactly that, that he was one small push away from falling apart at all times. And he couldn’t really blame her for that, although he also couldn’t explain that he was as broken into pieces as he would ever get, that he’d been assembling the pieces again for months, that he was never going to be whole, but he wouldn’t be destroyed by something like this. He could answer some questions. He’d done nothing but answer questions for months anyway.

“Let me help you for once.” Kylo said, squeezing her hands back.

Leia frowned in worry. Kylo waited for her to say no, to demand that she would take care of everything, that he couldn’t be expected to help, that no rational person would ever expect him to be able to handle something like this.

Instead, there was a long pause. “Are you sure?” She said quietly. The fact that Leia, the most stubborn woman alive, was relenting, for him, was staggering. Kylo was touched in a way that he hadn’t been by any of the myriad ways she had helped him reassemble himself over the past few months. The fact that she was willing to let him make this decision meant that she trusted him, addled and traumatized as he was.

“Yeah,” He said grimly. If all he had to do was answer a few questions, he could do that.

“Okay.”

Kylo just hoped that he hadn’t made a horrible mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the bit of a wait! Life happens, you know how it is. On the plus side, I've got this pretty much all mapped out. We're not quite at the end, but definitely end-adjacent. I'll say there's going to be approximately 4-5 more chapters of this bad boy. We're getting there.
> 
> In other news, I was going to take a break from fic after this was done, but my gremlin brain grabbed me by the ears and said 'hey, what if you write another au where hux is an evil corporate lawyer that takes advantage of naive paralegal ben?' so uh.... if you miss that sweet, sweet Awful Kylux Content (TM) like I do, that's coming up in the pipeline...


	11. Chapter 11

Kylo’s interview with Billings was set for a week. In the interim, he spent a lot of time with Luke sparring. He was getting to the point where he and Luke weren’t necessarily evenly-matched, but he landed shots on Luke more often than not. He felt fairly confident that physically, he would be able to fight off the average person. Now whether or not he would be able to manage that emotionally was another question.

What Holdo had been telling him the other day kept going through his head. What next? He realized that he couldn’t stay in this state of arrested development for very much longer. He still didn’t sleep through the night most nights, he jumped at loud noises and raised voices, but he didn’t think any of that was bound to change anytime soon.

The restless empty space left in him by Hux’s absence wasn’t going away. He thought it might, he hoped it might. Although he was far enough removed from what had happened to him to look at it objectively, to recognize that he hated Hux for what he had done as much as he still felt connected to him, none of that changed how he felt. He needed something more, and he wasn’t going to get it by staying here.

What he had begun to realize was that he thought he had been permanently emotionally damaged by Hux, that Hux had taken everything, wrung him dry, and there was nothing left.

This was something that he didn’t have the heart to tell his parents or Rey. As much as he appreciated everything they had done for him since he’d gotten back, as much as he owed them for saving him from a captivity where he most likely would have died, not much had changed in the months he’d gotten back. When he cut past the anxiety, the leftover fear, the dregs of conditioning he was still fighting to shake, there wasn’t a whole lot else.

When he spent time with Leia or went places with Rey, he was uncomfortable to realize how little he felt about them, how they still felt like strangers after all this time. He knew this was unfair to them, that they obviously loved him, they obviously cared a great deal about them. It was horrible of him not to be able to return that affection. And yet, he was unable to conjure up emotions where there were none. Hux had so effectively poisoned him against everyone else, and this seemed like something that might not be reversed.

Holdo had been right. He needed to find some purpose, and quickly.

So in the intervening week, he sparred, walked with Henry, and haunted the neighborhood where he used to live. He stayed out for hours, sitting on park benches, rebuilding the map in his mind, enjoying the quiet, enjoying not having to talk to anyone, to pretend to be someone that he couldn’t be anymore. Solitude was the greatest gift he had received in quite a while.

Too soon, the day of his interview arrived. Right on time, the same black car pulled up outside of Leia’s house. Billings had said he’d need Kylo for a few days, so Kylo had a small duffel bag with a few changes of clothes. He didn’t have that much else to pack.

Leia gave him a tight hug, followed by Han. Kylo allowed their embrace, disturbed by how little he felt about it. He knelt down next to Henry. Billings had insisted on the fact that he couldn’t bring a dog with him. Kylo didn’t like it, but he saw where he was coming from. It hurt him to have to leave Henry behind, but he knew it was only for a few days.

“You’ll keep watch while I’m gone?” Kylo asked Henry, and Henry thumped his tail on the ground, licking Kylo’s face all the way from his neck up to his temple. Henry had actually begun to soften to the other members of the household. He would allow Leia to pet him now and again, and actually deigned to stay in the same room as Han. It had been a slow thawing, but a thawing nonetheless.

“Thanks, Henry,” Kylo said, pressing his face into Henry’s warm fur and hugging him tightly.

Leia stood nervous in the doorway. “Well. Good luck, honey.” She said, giving him a watery smile.

“Thanks, Mom.” Kylo said.

He walked outside slowly, joining Billings in the car. The man was still wearing a dark suit and dark sunglasses, stiff and humorless. The car stank of cigarettes.

The man looked at him unsmilingly. “Ready to go?”

Kylo nodded cautiously. There was still something about this man that he didn’t like, something beyond the brusqueness and general unfriendliness that set his warning signals off. However, it didn’t take much to set his warning signals off these days. His judgement was pretty unreliable.

Billings nodded and pulled away from the curb. Kylo watched Leia’s house recede in the rearview mirror and tried to ignore the pit in his stomach.

They drove for hours, east, past farmland and towns that were little more than a gas station. Kylo thought about asking where they were going, but ultimately decided it didn’t really matter. Billings was silent, not listening to music or podcasts or anything. Kylo wasn’t sure how the man stayed awake. He himself fell asleep a few times.

It was early evening by the time they arrived at their destination. It wasn’t what Kylo had been expecting. He thought they would be going to some large concrete government building, nondescript and soulless. Instead, Billings had brought him to a shitty, exurban office park. An abandoned office park. There was a shuttered travel agency, a car rental place, and a blank, anonymous office with the shades drawn. This was the building Billings parked in front of.

Kylo looked suspiciously at the building, then back at the barren stretch of highway behind them past a concrete field of a parking lot.

“Um. You said you worked for the FBI, right?” Kylo broke the long silence, unconsciously pressing against the door on his side of the car to put space between him and Billings.

Billings parked and turned off the engine. “Yes.”

Kylo glanced again at the barren parking lot. There were two other cars parked in front of the building where Billings had brought him. “I thought that was Quantico.”

“Quantico is where the trainees are stationed. We’re the _federal_ bureau. We have offices all over. This is simply the most convenient one for our purposes.” Billings said, getting out of the car.

Kylo followed, holding the strap of his bag a little nervously. This felt strange, wrong. “Okay…”

Billings stopped walking when he saw Kylo wasn’t following him to the door. He turned around. His face was blank and unreadable through the glasses. “Ben. This is fine. You can trust me. Here.”

Kylo tensed up when Billings reached into his pocket and pulled out his badge. He held it out to Kylo to take. Kylo did, studying it carefully. He was no expert, but it certainly _seemed_ real. Maybe he was just being a little paranoid. Maybe this was fine. He handed the badge back and followed Billings to the door.

They walked into a small reception area. The walls were blank, and there were a few mid-century folding chairs against one wall. A tired-looking middle-aged woman sat at a computer terminal in the corner with her glasses perched on her nose. She glanced up when they walked in. “Evening, Arnold.” She said, expressionless eyes passing over Kylo. “Phil’s in the back.”

Billings led Kylo through the small waiting area to a nondescript back hallway. There wasn’t much back here but closed crates. Kylo followed to the end of the hallway where Billings opened a door. There was a cot with a threadbare folded blanket and a small, attached bathroom. There was no window.

“Sorry about the poor accommodations. It’s the best we could do out here.” Billings said, the words apologetic, but the tone certainly not.

Kylo felt frozen. He looked at the small room, then back at Billings. “You… want me to sleep in here?” He asked, heart stuttering in his chest.

Billings stood in the doorway. With the automatic survival instincts he’d developed, Kylo noticed that he currently had no escape route. He’d have to go through Billings to get out of here.

“Just for a night or two. Like I said, slim pickings out here. Go ahead and drop your bag off. We’ll get started in the other room.” Billings said, hand resting against the door frame. Boxing Kylo in.

Kylo had passed from unease to real worry in the span of a few seconds. He thought about just trying to leave, but wondered dizzyingly if doing so would break the illusion of normalcy. Maybe it would be best to just play along, wait for a better chance to leave. Pretend to be cooperative. Maybe he was overreacting. Maybe everything was fine.

He dropped his bag on the cot. Billings nodded and led him into the next room. It looked like it had been decorated in the ‘70s, a gray room dominated by a long table with stiff office chairs lined up. A second man was in here, making what looked like Lipton tea out of an ancient kettle. He looked nearly identical to Billings, maybe not physically, but they seemed like they were cast out of the same mold.

The man came up to Kylo and handed him a Styrofoam cup. A limpid, yellow tea bag floated in the water. Kylo held it and sat down, every muscle tight. None of this felt right. This wasn’t how real agents would behave, they wouldn’t drive him hours away from home to a nondescript office park in the middle of nowhere just to conduct an interview, they wouldn’t provide accommodations no better than a prison cell. He was in trouble here; he just wished he had figured it out before he’d gotten out here. He wanted to check his phone, make sure he had a signal out here, but he had to wait until they weren’t watching him.

Billings and the second man sat across from him, unsmiling. They had an audio recorder and a thick stack of files sitting in front of them.

“So. Ben. Thank you for joining us. This is my colleague Phil Cartwright. He’ll be assisting with today’s interview.” Billings said, starting the recorder. Kylo watched that red light turn on. That made it seem official, real. If these men weren’t on the level, why would they bother recording this?

“You like tea, right? Drink that down. It might be a little hot, but still good.” Cartwright said.

Kylo looked into the cup. He wouldn’t have described cleaning-fluid citrus-smelling tea good, but he wouldn’t say so. He pretended to take a sip, but closed his mouth so none got in his mouth. He noticed neither of the two agents had tea. He tried to look surreptitiously to see if either one of them had a gun. He couldn’t tell. His heart was pounding so hard he was surprised neither of the men could tell how nervous he was.

Billings started. “Well. I suppose there’s no point in delaying any longer. We’d like you to give a full account, in your own words, of your period of captivity with Armitage Hux, specifically focusing on how much you know of his business.”

Kylo blinked. That was a lot of ground to cover. They were expecting him to tell them about two entire years of his life? That would take forever. If they were telling the truth, he supposed the multi-day interview made a little more sense. The thought of reliving all of that, all at once, made him feel a little nauseous. It was alright talking about it with Holdo, because they did it in little snippets, and he trusted her, but it felt completely different going over it with these men.

“Um. I already said that I don’t know that much about what Hux did. He didn’t tell me.” Kylo started a little uncertainly. He wondered if the uncomfortable prickling he tasted on his lips was psychosomatic or a real reaction from the tea.

“We know that, but whatever you _can_ tell us would be very much appreciated.” Billings said.

Kylo began a very stilted recounting of his time with Hux. He skipped most of the details, not willing to relive his worst memories in front of two men he barely knew. Billings asked most of the questions, zeroing in on any conversations he might have overheard, people he had met.

“So besides Phasma and Snoke, how many of Hux’s associates did you meet?” Billings asked, not even looking at Kylo, writing something down in his notes.

Kylo started digging his fingernails into the underside of his wrist a little nervously. “Uh. Three.”

“That’s it?” Cartwright broke in, looking a little disappointed.

Kylo made a face. “Sorry Hux didn’t take very much time to introduce me to his work friends when he wasn’t busy locking me in a cage in the basement.” He snapped. He never would have said something like that a month ago, but a combination of his nerves from being in this room and his continuing uncertainty about their intentions gave him the perhaps stupid confidence to fight back.

Cartwright looked a little shocked that Kylo had said that. Billings put a hand on his arm. “Let’s, uh, keep it civil in here.”

Cartwright pasted a fake smile on his face. “Of course. How about any conversations you might have overheard on the phone, anyone he was talking to. Names or locations would be especially helpful.”

Kylo shrugged tight. “I don’t know. Hux took most of his calls in his office upstairs. I wasn’t supposed to go in there.” He didn’t mention that he’d been thrown down the stairs once for going in there without permission.

“And you never did? Just eavesdropped a little? You were never curious?” Cartwright asked leadingly.

Kylo stared at him in disbelief. He was talking like this had been a game, like all he would have gotten from pissing Hux off was a slap on the wrist. “No, I can’t say I was all that concerned with what he was talking about on the phone. I was a little preoccupied trying not to get tortured.” The word ripped out of him for the first time, the truth of it clear to him like it had never been before.

“So no names you remember? No scraps of conversations you overheard?” Billings pushed.

Kylo crossed his arms tight across his chest. “No. I don’t understand why this is even important. He’s gone. It’s over.”

“Phasma isn’t. His operation isn’t.” Billings said.

Cartwright leaned over and whispered in Billings’ ear. Kylo couldn’t hear everything but he caught _isn’t going to work_. Billings whispered something back, and then Cartwright stood up and left the room. Kylo was relieved to see him go.

He wondered what time it was. There were no windows in here, and it had already been kind of late when they’d started.

Billings turned back to him unsmilingly. “Let’s switch tacks. I’d like to hear more about your relationship with Phasma.”

“ _Relationship_?” Kylo said bitterly. He wanted out of this conversation. He wanted out of this room. He just wanted _out_.

“Yes. How does she feel about you, do you think?” Billings said, pushing through Kylo’s discomfort.

Kylo closed his eyes for a moment, shook his head. “I don’t know. I think she liked me.” He thought about how she’d laugh at him, pat his head condescendingly. He supposed in Phasma’s world, that meant she liked him.

“Really? That’s good. How do you know?” Billings said, leaning slightly across the table.

“I mean… she thought I was… cute. Like a pet who could do a trick.” Kylo said slowly, not really liking to think about this, and unsure why Billings even cared.

Billings nodded. “Okay. That’s good to hear. I figured she might have developed a bit of an affection for you on your trip together.”

Kylo frowned. “Why?”

“Hmm?” Billings didn’t look up from his notes.

“What are you talking about? Why does that matter?” Kylo asked, warning bells going off in his head.

Billings glanced up at him, tapping his pen against his pad of paper. “Ben… you seem like a smart kid. I didn’t bring you here for an interview. Or, not _just_ an interview. I think you could help us a great deal.”

“I already told you I don’t really know much.” Kylo said nervously.

“I know. I figured in your situation, you wouldn’t have much intel.” Billings said.

“Then why am I here?”

“Hux and then Phasma after him have been involved in a network that extends across half of this country and then Europe. We don’t know nearly as much about them as we would wish. We could use someone on the inside, so to speak. Someone who was close to the operation, who knows Phasma could be instrumental to our success. Someone like you.” Billings said.

Kylo stared, the blood draining from his face. He stood up, backed up a few paces, startling when his back hit the wall. “No.”

Billings thankfully stayed seated. Kylo didn’t think he would have been able to control his reaction if the man had made any sort of move toward him. “Now, Ben, don’t be so hasty. You wouldn’t be in danger, my partner and I have a great deal of experience handling our people in the field. All I’m asking is that you provide a little information now and again.”

“No. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to see her. I don’t want to go anywhere. I just want to be left alone.” Kylo stuttered.

Billings gave him a condescending look. “I don’t mean to be cruel, but you probably should have thought about that before you fell in with criminals. Your mother is responsible for multiple deaths and who knows what else. Her goodwill from dealing with Hux’s organization can only go so far. You know I am the one thing standing between her and a serious criminal investigation.”

Kylo felt cold. “Are you blackmailing me?”

“Not at all. I’m just telling you how it is. Letting you make your own informed choice.”

Kylo couldn’t summon up words. He blinked unsteadily at the man in front of him, searched wildly for words. He thought about Leia, about everything she’d done to get him back, about her unwavering support in the face of Kylo’s emotional vacancy. He wondered if Billings would follow through, if he could really do what he was threatening.

“Don’t you…” His voice broke for a moment, and he faltered. “Don’t you know what they did to me?”

Billings folded his arms. “Yes, and that’s exactly why you’re perfect for this. She won’t be expecting much from you. If you come crawling back to her and tell her that you can’t take the separation, that now that Hux is gone, you don’t have a clue what to do, she’ll take you at your word. It isn’t as if that’s so far from the truth.”

Kylo stared at him for a long time, fighting against the bile crawling up his throat. He needed to get out of here. He needed help, he needed someone to tell him what to do. He felt frozen with indecision, unable to even begin to figure out how to get out of this.

Billings seemed to notice his indecision. He stood up and clapped his hands together, ignoring the way Kylo flinched back against the wall. “I can tell this is a big decision. How about you take the night to think about it? This will all go a lot smoother if we’re clear-headed tomorrow before we continue the debrief.”

Kylo nodded uncertainly, his thoughts racing. He would just go back to his prison cell of a room, wait until Billings left, and then just walk out the door. His first priority was getting out of this building. He could cobble together the rest of a plan later.

Billings opened the door and beckoned Kylo to follow him down the hall. Kylo did, each step feeling like molasses. The sight of this tiny room he was expected to sleep in sent panic crawling up his spine, but he tried to stay calm. He would only be in here for a little while, maybe half an hour until he thought it was safe enough to leave.

As he stepped into the tiny concrete room, a delayed realization came over him, a thought that had been waiting in the back of his mind before he connected the dots. He turned to Billings with a frown. “Wait… how did you know that me and Phasma went on a trip together? I didn’t tell you that part.”

Billings looked back with a pleasantly blank look on his face. “Excuse me?”

Kylo’s heart thudded in his ears. “When Phasma took me to Snoke. I didn’t tell you that.”

Billings stood there, completely blank, looking for all the world like a loading screen. Then, with a dizzy kind of horror, Kylo watched him decide to drop the act.

“Why do you think it is that it took them two entire years to find you? When Hux was keeping you in his house? Not exactly a mystery.” Billings said coldly, the contempt obvious.

Kylo went cold.

“If you’re involved in criminal enterprise and you _don’t_ care to find yourself in prison for the rest of your life, you’re smart and you find someone in law enforcement who can be bought. Any criminal worth his salt has someone crooked on their side. Hux had me. We had a simple arrangement. If the law was called to a scene involving Hux, I or my men would show up instead, make sure everybody looked the other way. If, say, he’d taken someone he very much wanted to keep whose family wasn’t satisfied with a fake body, I’d step in and, nudge a little here and there, point them in the wrong direction. I’m very good at my job.”

Kylo opened his mouth, intending to scream, but nothing but a dry wheeze came out.

Billings took a step into the room. Kylo took a step back. “Now Phasma seems to think she can do without me. She’s completely cut me out of her operation, but I’m not going to let that slide. You’re going to get me information, and she’s going to let me back in, or not. If not, I’m perfectly willing to burn her operation to the ground.”

Billings noticed Kylo’s speechlessness, and a contemptuous smile crossed his face. “See, I know you’re going to do it. If you weren’t, you would have punched my lights out by now. You need direction, and I’m going to give it to you.”

Billings took a few steps forward, and Kylo stumbled back until he hit the wall. He’d run out of room to retreat, and they both knew it. “Now act like the dog he made you into, and _heel_.”

Billings didn’t even wait for a response, leaving Kylo wordless and shaking by the wall, leaving the room and closing the door behind him.

Kylo stood there staring at nothing for a good long while. His skin felt feverish, and the blood was rushing through his ears. He took one unsteady step away from the wall, and then knew he was going to throw up. He lunged toward the tiny sink in the attached bathroom and leaned over it, emptying the contents of his stomach. Acid burned his throat, and after he’d flushed everything down the drain, he wiped his mouth and stepped back into the room.

His hands shook as he took his phone out of his pocket. He knew from experience that he only had a limited amount of time before panic completely took over his brain, and rational thought or planning would be all but impossible.

He checked his phone. No service. Kylo stared at it. How was that possible? They weren’t that far from a highway. There had to be service here. But, if these people really were from the government, and they weren’t lying about that too, they might have some way of blocking phone signals. Either way, it didn’t matter. He wouldn’t be getting help from that front.

Kylo stared at the door, stumbling forward and wrapping his fingers around the knob. He closed his eyes and muttered a brief plea before turning it.

It was locked.

Kylo opened his eyes. His heart had stopped working. He tried it again, and again, and again, jiggling the knob with increasing frantic speed.

Still locked.

He took one slow step back, and found the entire room flipping upside down around him. He fell to the floor. His hands rose to cover his face. He couldn’t feel his extremities.

“ _I can’t do this again_ ,” Kylo moaned to himself, hoping that somehow he was dreaming. They always felt real when he was in them, but once he _realized_ he was dreaming, he was usually able to snap out of it.

Kylo bit down on the webbing between his thumb and other fingers hard until it left a red, swollen mark. He cried out from the pain.

He was still here, still locked in a room.

Locked in a room. Old terror squeezed his heart in its fist. He couldn’t believe this was happening to him again, but he knew one thing for sure. He was getting out of here if he had to burn the place down to get out.

Kylo had managed to ride out the worst of his panic attack by the time he heard footsteps coming down the hall towards this room. It had been maybe an hour in his calculation. Long enough for him to come up with the rudiments of a plan.

These people knew what had happened to him. They were expecting him to be so cowed that he would sit back and allow them to walk all over him. Kylo hoped he could take advantage of their surprise just long enough to get out of here.

He stood flat against the wall behind the door, feeling like his throat was about to close up. He’d only get one shot at this, and if he failed… He didn’t want to think about that.

The door was going to open in, so he waited behind it, the barest thought occurring to him that they might have cameras in this room before he pushed that away. If they did, he didn’t have time to worry about it. It was now or never.

Kylo had an almost visceral reaction to the sound of keys being sorted through on the other side of the door. A terribly clear sense-memory of sitting crouched in his cage and watching Hux walk across the room with a smile on his face crashed over him, and Kylo thrust it away from him with dizzy urgency. He didn’t have _time_ to panic. He had to act.

The key sounded in the lock, and the door began to inch open. Kylo waited breathlessly until the door was halfway open before grabbing the handle and shoving it hard, back on the person on the other side.

Something crashed to the floor and a man yelled in surprise. Kylo whipped the door open and turned the corner. The man who had stumbled against the far wall wasn’t Billings. It was the other man from the interview: Cartwright. He’d been carrying a tray which had the demolished remains of a meal lying all over the ground.

Cartwright looked up at Kylo angrily. Kylo feinted as if he were going to run to his right. Cartwright fell for it, and Kylo used his split second’s lead to lunge down and grab the dinner tray. This man was much heavier than him, with the clear physical advantage, so Kylo knew he’d only get one shot at this.

“Little shit,” Cartwright snarled, barreling forward to grab him.

Kylo watched him come with wide eyes, huffing out one quick breath. He used what Luke had been teaching him for weeks now: use your opponent’s strength against him.

Cartwright grabbed at his wrist, and Kylo let him do it, spinning closer on his good foot so that his back was to the man. In one quick motion, he jabbed his elbow back into the man’s stomach. He wasn’t very strong, so it didn’t have much muscle behind it, but it served its purpose of catching the man off guard and making him double over.

Kylo used his other hand to slam the dinner tray as hard as he could into the man’s face. He screamed and Kylo heard a sickening crunch as it collided with his nose. The tight grip on his wrist fell away in an instant.

Kylo didn’t pause for a second, taking off down the hall as fast as he could, which wasn’t very fast because of his limp. He threw the door to the lobby open, breath wheezing in his lungs.

The older woman from before was standing in the little kitchenette, staring open-mouthed from behind the counter. “Phil, what’s –”

When she saw Kylo, she went white and reached for what was probably a gun. “Shit!”

Kylo sprinted for the door, having to sidestep awkwardly around her desk. As he ran by, he saw car keys sitting on the desk, and grabbed them without a second thought.

Ignoring the shouted demands to stop, Kylo ran outside. It was full dark now, and he felt wild as he stumbled his way toward the only two cars in the lot. He clicked the button on the key to see which was the right car. A small, red sedan on the right flashed its lights.

Kylo practically tore open the door and fell into the driver’s seat, his hands fumbling with the keys until he could turn the ignition and listen to the engine roar to life.

He peeled out of there as fast as he could, in the rearview mirror seeing two stumbling figures run out of the building behind him and shout for him to stop.

Kylo nearly collided with a speeding minivan as he sped onto the highway. He just barely swerved out of the way in time.

Kylo drove blindly for almost an hour, fingers squeezed tight on the steering wheel, checking frantically behind him every five seconds to see if anyone was following him. When he was far enough away, and reasonably certain that he wasn’t being followed, Kylo pulled off to the side of the road, just barely remembering to put the car into park before losing himself entirely to post-adrenaline shakes. He covered his face with his hands, moaning with leftover fear. Cars and trucks with blinding headlights sped past him every few seconds.

His first instinct was to call home, and he pulled his phone out of his pocket with trembling hands. Now that he was away from that building, he had a signal. His thumb hovered over the call button and then paused. If everything Billings had told him was true, he didn’t want to drag them into this any more than they already were. Not only that, but going home was the first place Billings would think to look for him. If he went home, Billings would find him, and he might be able to use the long arm of the law to his advantage. No. He needed to do something else.

Kylo stared through the windshield at the bright, soothingly anonymous lights of the truck stop five hundred yards ahead. He felt paralyzed with indecision. What was he supposed to do? By running, he might have damned Leia and the rest of his family. Billings seemed like the vengeful type. On the other hand, there was no way he could have stayed.

The more he sat in one spot, the more his mind seemed to cycle back into numbing shock. He wasn’t even _close_ to being equipped to deal with this. Everyone he knew that could help him was implicated. He also would be lying to himself if he didn’t admit that he felt a tiny stab of resentment at them for believing a man that had actively concealed evidence to maintain Hux’s secret. If it hadn’t been for him, maybe Kylo would have been rescued much sooner. Maybe he wouldn’t have been so damaged. Maybe he would have had a chance.

Kylo stared at nothing, heart pounding in his ears. His hand had snuck under the collar of his shirt, and he was unconsciously twisting the chain holding his rings around his fingers over and over. He clutched the rings in his fist and held it up to his heart. They burned in his grip with a sick heat. For the first time in a while, Kylo missed Hux so much the feeling could have knocked him over.

He sat there, the rings burning a hole in his hand.

He didn’t know how long he’d been sitting on the side of the highway before he emerged from his daze, but he knew he was suddenly paranoid about being found. He needed to get out of here before Billings and company caught up with him. He just needed somewhere to go, somewhere he could _think_ , somewhere he could come up with a plan. Somewhere safe. Somewhere familiar.

He opened his phone with shaking hands, opened up the mapping app, and navigated around, undergoing some trial and error before he found what he was looking for. He grabbed a scrap of paper from the glove compartment and jotted down some directions before opening his window and throwing the phone into the second lane, counting on a semi truck’s wheels crushing it flat. Billings could probably track him with it.

Following his scrawled directions, Kylo drove. He drove all night, pulling off into a deserted railyard right before dawn to grab a few minutes of uneasy sleep before moving on. He drove and drove, crossing three state lines.

He had to stop somewhere around midday at a sprawling gas station complex that smelled like diesel and cigarettes. He wandered around for twenty minutes, going up to a few people and stammering out some story about being mugged and losing his wallet, needing money for gas. He got a few strange looks, but he cobbled together enough change for another tank of gas. He was sure that most of the money he got was out of pity rather than real belief in his story, but he could work with pity.

It was late afternoon, and the sun was beginning its descent to the horizon by the time he made it somewhere he sort of vaguely recognized. He felt like his eyes had been pasted open, and he was dizzy from lack of sleep.

He drove through a small town and then kept going, cruising down picturesque country lanes until he got to one he recognized. The barest hint of sunlight was all that was left, shadows lengthening across the road. He stopped at the base of the long drive to an isolated house. He couldn’t see it from the road, but just the fact that he knew it was there pressed down on him like a smothering blanket.

Kylo sat there with his hands clasped tight around the wheel for a long time, struggling to get breath into his lungs like he was underwater.

Eventually, he started forward, inching down the driveway at a snail’s pace like he was afraid of being noticed. He stared forward at the house that began to assemble itself out of the gloom in front of him. He stopped in front of the house, turning the car off. He listened to the engine tick and die in the silence.

Kylo got out of the car, hearing the familiar gravel crunch under his feet. He felt like a tiny mote of sand falling through a dark, endless sea.

He stared up at Hux’s dark, abandoned house, more than anything in the past few months feeling like he was finally back where he belonged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear...


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS AHEAD.
> 
> Content warning for this chapter: Sex scene that's fairly on par with the first part of this story. Be better at getting consent than this guy.

The night was empty around Kylo as he looked up at the place where he’d been so thoroughly broken and reassembled. It looked exactly the same as he remembered it. Forbidding, cold, so much like its owner.

A storm of conflicting emotions rose up in him at the sight of the house. He was afraid of it, of course, the memories of what had happened to him in this place skittering through the back of his mind like a rockfall. The longer he stayed here, the more he thought he would dislodge bigger and bigger stones, until they tumbled down and buried him.

In another real sense, there was a reason why he had thought of Hux’s house when he needed somewhere safe to stay. He’d come to love this place, out of necessity. He had no other choice but to love it, cocooned inside of its walls for so long. He had come to learn a very important lesson here: if he didn’t struggle so much, the ropes around his wrists and throat didn’t hurt so much. If he could convince himself that he was being held instead of smothered, he could almost convince himself that everything was fine.

This coping mechanism was so much stronger than anything Holdo had been trying to teach him over the past few months. Not because it was better, but because it was easier. It was so much easier to bare his neck and submit rather than continue to fight day in and day out, over and over again for each tiny scrap of ground he could get. It was exhausting, and never-ending, and after what had just happened, Kylo just needed somewhere he could feel _safe_.

And despite everything, despite all the progress he’d made, this was the last place he’d felt so completely safe, held in place. Everything that had happened after he’d left Hux’s house had been chaotic and confusing. In comparison, this house seemed like a safe haven.

Kylo took a few hesitant steps up the front steps, trying not to feel like Hux was about to throw the door open and drag him in by his lapels. He knew that wasn’t going to happen, he wasn’t _that_ far gone, but that didn’t stop the dreadful anticipation he’d gotten so used to feeling in this house.

There was police tape over the front door, sealing it shut. Kylo stood there for a long few moments, his heart a pit in his stomach, the thought of walking into this house again such an unimaginable task, calling up emotions so large he felt paralyzed by them.

There had been a nail file in the car, and Kylo used it to carefully slit through the tape. He held his breath, opening the door and letting it swing inward. The dark, empty cavern of the entryway yawned open before him like an open mouth.

Kylo stepped in.

Hux came striding out of the darkness, eyes spitting fire and fists clenched, intent to hurt, intent to punish.

Kylo let out a strangled wail and fell back against the wall, sliding down to the ground, covering his head with his arms, trying desperately to make himself small, protect what he could. The same frenzied thoughts as always fluttered through his mind: _Oh God, he’s going to hurt me again. What did I do wrong? How do I make this better? Does he still love me, or did I ruin that too?_

Breath wheezing out in short gasps, it took a while for Kylo to realize that nothing was happening. He was sitting against the wall, alone, in a quiet, dead house. He lifted his head shakily. There was nobody there. He was alone. He pressed a hand against his heart, trying to slow down his frenzied heart.

“ _Moron_ ,” He hissed to himself, heaving himself to his feet with difficulty.

After taking another few deep breaths, Kylo wandered into the rest of the house.

The first thing he noticed was how messy it all was, how trashed. People had come through this house to search the place, and they hadn’t cared to put everything back where it belonged. Chairs were tipped over, books piled on the ground out of order, dust covered every surface. Boot prints scuffed the nice hardwood floors, everywhere a sign that this house was no longer the self-contained bubble it had been for so long.

As Kylo took in the damage and the mess, the first thing he felt was anger. He’d spent so much time keeping this place neat and clean for Hux. He’d cleaned the floors, dusted every surface, slaved over every inch of this house to make sure that it was perfect, that there wasn’t a thing out of place, hoping that if he did well enough, he’d be spared for the day.

The extent of the mess had him a little panicky, like Hux was going to come home at any second, and if he saw the place in _this_ kind of state, he would be taking it out on Kylo.

He walked through the familiar rooms. Entryway, living room, kitchen. All empty, torn apart. _Different_.

Kylo had been putting things away absently as he walked by them, just out of habit, but the mess was weighing on him so much that he couldn’t stop. Kylo began a concerted effort to clean everything up. He wanted Hux to be happy with the state of the place, even if he wasn’t here. There was something about the messy state of the place that kept Kylo from really connecting with it. It didn’t feel right.

Falling into grooves so familiar it was like he’d never left them, Kylo started through the house from front to back, putting things to right, straightening the edges, cleaning up the worst of the tracks on the floor, putting the furniture back in their proper places. Without even realizing it, he began to shut his brain off the way he used to. The only thing he concentrated on was cleaning up, putting things to right. It was the same kind of headspace he’d have been in back then. As long as he was thinking just about the task in front of him, he wasn’t thinking about Hux, or being trapped in this house, or Billings, or the horrible trouble he was in. He only had one thing to concentrate on. It was easy, and mindless, and what he needed.

After he finished with the first floor, he went upstairs. Old habits made him avoid the office. He was sure that room would have been torn apart most of all by the FBI, and he didn’t have it in him to deal with that room now.

Kylo paused right outside the bedroom, heart pounding for a reason he couldn’t quantify. It wasn’t as if the bedroom was any different than the rest of the house, but something about going in there felt decisive.

He opened the door. This room was almost untouched, some of the drawers pulled out and tossed carelessly on the floor, but otherwise pretty much as Hux had left it. Kylo walked in, took his shoes off and carefully placed them outside the door. Hux wouldn’t want him tracking dirt in here. He tidied the room up, his calm detachment protecting him so far from the magnitude of where he was. The bathroom door was open a hair, like Hux was in there getting ready for bed. He’d expect Kylo to be ready when he came out.

Kylo realized that he was as tired as he had ever been. Now that he was here, now that the house had largely been put to rights, he just wanted something familiar. He just wanted to feel safe for a moment. He wished Hux were here to hold him. He’d do that, every once in a while, when he decided Kylo deserved the affection. He would slot himself in behind him, wrap his arms and legs around his and tuck his head under his chin. Those had been the few peaceful moments of his time here.

Kylo needed nothing more than to sleep. He almost got into bed, but looked down at himself, realizing what he was wearing. Real clothes, street clothes. It didn’t feel right. Kylo got down on the ground and opened the one drawer Hux had set aside for Kylo, for the clothes that he would be allowed to wear, all Hux’s hand-me-downs. It was still full of neatly-folded clothes. Kylo pulled an old, grey shirt out of the drawer and pressed it to his nose, closing his eyes and breathing in. He was almost knocked over. It smelled just like Hux, almost as if no time had passed at all. Tears pricked his eyes. Kylo wriggled out of the clothes he was wearing and put on the grey shirt and sleep shorts.

It was like putting the clothes on rocketed him back months, as if no time had passed at all. Kylo hugged his knees to his chest, looking around the room, closing his eyes and pretending he could hear Hux in the office next door, talking on the phone. Kylo was safe in here, protected by Hux, knowing he was doing the right thing. Paradoxically, he took a deep breath.

Suddenly, everything felt much simpler. Easier. He didn’t have to worry about the situation with Billings. He didn’t need to struggle day in and day out to know how to navigate the real world, what to say to make Leia and company happy with him. With Hux, he _knew_ what made him happy. There was no thinking involved. Hux would take care of it. He took care of everything.

Conjuring up that image of Hux, Kylo crawled into the bed, pulling the covers over his head, and curled up into a tight ball, Hux’s pillow tucked under his chin.

For the first time in what felt like years, Kylo slept through the night.

* * *

Kylo woke the next morning with that heavy feeling that usually accompanied not moving the entire night. He lay for a few minutes, face pressed into the pillow, trying to assemble the events of the previous day in a way that made sense. He couldn’t get a handle on it, it kept slipping from his mind the second he grabbed the memory.

Kylo opened his eyes, confused and groggy. He expected to see his neat room in Leia’s house, blankets akimbo, familiar possessions in neat piles everywhere. His legs felt too light and unencumbered. Usually when he woke up, he was unable to stand for a few minutes because Henry had been lying on top of him all night long, and he weighed almost as much as Kylo did.

Instead, he was alone in a huge, cold bed. The first thing Kylo saw was Hux’s dresser, his closet door just slightly ajar, the sickeningly familiar view out his bedroom window to the oak tree and yard below.

Kylo froze solid. His heart stopped pumping blood, his brain stopped processing new information. He was in Hux’s bed, again, and it felt too solid to be a dream. The softness of the sheets underneath him, the ticking quiet of the house around him. All real. All unescapable.

He didn’t remember the previous day’s events, all he could think of was what was right in front of him.

Kylo was lying facedown with his face in the pillow. The other side of the bed was empty. Where was Hux? Kylo fell back on old habits; his very first priority upon waking was to ascertain where Hux was and what kind of mood he was in.

Kylo stared forward, straining to listen. He didn’t hear Hux moving around in the bathroom, so that might mean he was in his office or downstairs already. If he was downstairs and Kylo wasn’t there soon, that could mean trouble. Hux didn’t like to wait for things. However, if this was a morning where Hux wanted him to stay in bed, he should stay right where he was.

With the furtive motion he’d perfected through practice, Kylo shifted his arms and legs a little, feeling for pressure or the telltale clink that would let him know he was tied down. With a well of relief, he didn’t feel any. That meant Hux wanted him up.

Kylo sat up in bed, the dizzying rush of blood to his head masking the certain telltale signs that would have reminded him when he was. He very cautiously set his feet on the ground, wincing pre-emptively just in case Hux was angry at him for moving. Most of the time he could figure out whether Hux wanted him to stay where he was put or get up in the morning, but he was sometimes wrong.

There was nobody in the bathroom, so he padded silently toward the door. It was usually best to not attract Hux’s attention whenever possible. He wondered if he could get past the office and downstairs without Hux noticing. Then he might be able to make coffee and get breakfast started by the time Hux made it downstairs. That might earn him a few points of praise, currency that Kylo had come to find extremely valuable. Pleasing Hux in the morning could very well stave off his irritation later.

Kylo was so hyper focused on getting downstairs without being noticed that he walked right past his clothes he’d left on the floor, that would have reminded him when he was. He still couldn’t hear Hux anywhere, and that made him nervous.

He was inching down the hallway when he caught glimpse of the half-open door of Hux’s office. If it was open, that meant Hux was in there. If he wasn’t, it would be securely closed and usually locked.

Kylo decided to ease the door open to see if Hux needed anything before he went downstairs.

The office was trashed after a thorough search, papers all over the place, drawers pulled out and tossed carelessly on the floor. It had been torn apart looking for any hint of information whatsoever. In the split second after seeing the office, Kylo’s first thought was that he had somehow done this without realizing. Terror split him in half. If Hux saw this… If he knew Kylo had been in his office without permission, let alone torn it apart like this, he would make Kylo’s escape attempt look like a slap on the wrist.

Kylo ran back to the bedroom, aiming to grab the trash can so he would have something to clean up with. He tripped on a crumpled pair of jeans left carelessly on the ground. He landed hard on his elbows, biting back a cry of pain from the carpet burn. Frantically, he turned around and tried to disentangle himself from the discarded clothing so he could get back to the office and clean it up before Hux returned from wherever he was. His thoughts were moving so fast he could barely keep up with them. He just had to clean up the office, he just had to put everything _exactly_ where it had been before, clean up any sign of an intruder, he just had to –

The tiny detail that brought him back to reality was the sign of dog hair on the pair of jeans that had tripped him up. Kylo paused in his frantic panting. Hux didn’t have a dog. What –

_Henry_.

“ _Oh_ ,” Kylo croaked out loud, everything coming back to him in a moment. He fell onto his back, staring up at the ceiling in disbelief, shaky relief loosening every muscle to jelly. He laughed humorlessly, a bitter sound. He could have kicked himself.

He remembered why the house was so quiet, he remembered what he was here for. He lay on the floor for a few minutes just getting his wind back. He didn’t exactly feel better, he was still in terrible trouble and unsure how to get out of it, but the urgency of his predicament receded a little. Billings was three states away and had no idea where he was, rather than in the next room over.

By the time he calmed down enough to stand up, he felt enough leftover bitterness that he knocked over one of the small pictures on the dresser, although he immediately felt guilty and propped it back up.

Kylo wandered through the house in Hux’s borrowed clothes, trying his best not to think too much. Silence wrapped around him tight, but instead of bothering him, he found it intensely calming. As strange as it sounded, the last time Kylo had been truly calm had been in this house. Whenever Hux was home, Kylo would be strung as tight as a wire, watching his every move and anticipating his every mood, but when he wasn’t there, Kylo was free to sink into a numbing blanket of apathy and not feel very much at all, only having to focus enough to finish the tasks set in front of him.

This was the feeling that Kylo was chasing now. This situation with Billings was too big, too complicated to wrap his mind around. He just needed some time to think. He hoped laying low in this house would give it to him.

Kylo saw Hux everywhere, in the book selection and empty table and unused furniture. He realized that it almost felt like he was just waiting for Hux to get home from work, that it was just a normal day. He walked into nearly every room, hoping that something would happen, that he’d come up with a plan, that things would somehow fall into place. Things had been so clear with Hux, so black-and-white. Now everything was far too confusing, to the extent that he wasn’t sure if he could hack it.

Kylo went into every room in the house, but left the basement for last. It was afternoon already by the time he made it to the head of the stairs, the clouds scudding across the sky outside. He gripped the bannister in one hand, staring down those horribly familiar steps like they were dangerous.

He crept down the stairs stealthily without even meaning to, and the sight of that familiar room crashed over him like a wave. It was exactly as he’d remembered it. Bare concrete floor, tiny, clouded-glass windows letting in a bare view from outside, showerhead with a sturdy iron ring embedded in the wall.

And the cage. Of course. Kylo looked at it blankly for a long few moments, at the spot where he had spent weeks or maybe months of his life. It was so _small_. It seemed impossible to him that he could have fit in there, let alone spent as long as he did locked up. A person could go mad in something that small. Kylo huffed a small laugh and rubbed his face. He guessed that he did.

Kylo hadn’t really known what he expected to happen when he came down here. He didn’t know if he was going to burst into tears or want to tear the house down to its foundations or what.

Most of all, he realized with a nasty jolt, he kind of missed it. The simplicity of being in there, of having just one thing to focus on: survival. Play nice. Placate Hux. Behave. He might have to endure pain and isolation and fear, but at least he knew what to expect. He knew what to do, even if he didn’t always want to do it.

Before he even realized he was doing it, Kylo walked forward, got down on the ground, and opened the cage door. It was unlocked and hanging open. Most everything in this room was fairly untouched compared to the rest of the house. Kylo stared into the cage like it was a dangerous animal, but without a second thought, decided to do something he was sure Holdo and Leia and everybody else would not want him to do.

Kylo crawled into the cage, folding his arms and legs into their familiar position. He pulled the door closed behind him, and it clicked shut with a decisive sound. For a brief second, Kylo was panicked that he might have accidentally locked himself in here, but after pushing the door open again just to prove he could, he relaxed a little. The cage door was unlocked, and the keys were nowhere to be seen. Probably confiscated when they searched the place.

Kylo curled up into a ball, pillowing his head in his arms, staring out the bars of the cage, the sight so familiar he could have cried. Almost immediately, he descended back into that half-alive state he would force himself into in those days to keep from losing it. Sound muted, his world narrowed to what was in this tiny space. Kylo closed his eyes and let out a shuddering breath of relief. Since yesterday, he’d been on high alert, mind racing, panic ruling him, but he could finally relax. In here, the only thing he needed to worry about was when Hux was coming back.

He dozed off that way, curled into a ball into the cage that, in this moment, he almost forgot how much he used to hate it.

Kylo roused himself again when the sun started going down. He felt low, depressed. His mind hadn’t magically settled on a solution as he’d sort of been half-hoping. He was still in the same trouble.

As Kylo mused on the trouble he was in, he ran his fingers over the cold bars of his cage, following them down to where they met the floor, nudging his fingers into the tiny space underneath the cage that he could just reach, where he had once hidden the key he’d stolen.

His fingers brushed against something. Kylo snapped back to alertness in a second.

It took him a moment, but he used his fingers to leverage out two sheets of paper that had been rolled up and hidden underneath his cage. Kylo unfurled it to see his name written in Hux’s familiar handwriting.

Kylo’s heart stopped. He stared at the note for a long moment, like it was a dangerous animal that would bite him if he moved. He could just see the blurred outline of handwritten lines that he could read once he unfolded the page.

Hux had written him a letter.

Kylo stared, his mind trying to wrap itself around the basic fact. This certainly hadn’t been there the last time he was down here, which meant Hux had left it there sometime after Kylo left the house, which meant Hux knew about Kylo’s one hiding place. His head spun.

Before this, he would have said he was the only person alive who knew about the small slot under the cage, only big enough to store a key, or a letter. Certainly nothing bigger than that. But Hux had known. He had _known_. Even now, when Kylo had spent enough time away from Hux to know that he wasn’t, in fact, omniscient, like he’d half thought in the days of his captivity; even so, the fact that Hux knew about this too was almost mind-boggling.

Once the initial shock of finding the letter passed, Kylo realized why it was there. Hux had wanted to get this to him somehow, but knew his house would have been searched top to bottom, that it would have been trashed. But leaving the letter here, in a place only the two of them knew about, guaranteed that only Kylo would be able to find it.

Another unpleasant deduction made his stomach twist itself into knots. Hux had seen even farther. He had not only counted on the fact that Kylo was the only other person to know about this hiding spot, but that Kylo would willingly come back into his house, that he would be so addled with confused grief that he would crawl inside the cage that Hux had used to break him.

By finding this letter, Kylo had only confirmed everything that Hux thought of him. Kylo felt bile rise and grimly fought it back.

He stared at the letter for a few minutes. He wanted to read it with a desperation that he found almost frightening, but he was afraid of what it would say. He was afraid of the hold that Hux could have on him, on the possibility that Hux might be able to manipulate him even now, even when he was months’ dead.

He realized, after a few dizzy seconds, that he wanted Hux here to tell him whether to read it or not. He laughed, the sound a little too cracked for his liking. Kylo ran his hands through his hair.

Suddenly claustrophobic, he crawled out of the cage, standing up and swaying when all the blood went to his head. He clutched the letter in one hand, his hands sweaty and uncertain. What was he going to do? He wandered upstairs, into the dark, dead house. Hux would always have been home at this hour.

All of a sudden, the silence that he had found so comforting felt stifling instead. He missed Hux with a clean ache that went right down to the bone. He didn’t _want_ to be alone right now. He couldn’t take it. He paced through the living room, dizzy with anxiety and loneliness. If he still had his phone, he would have called Leia, or Holdo. He hadn’t been alone for longer than a few hours in a long time, and he was beginning to spiral.

Kylo sat curled up at the foot of Hux’s armchair like he used to, smoothing the piece of paper in his hands absently, staring offhand at the spot on the floor where Hux had nearly bled out on the horrible night when Kylo had to patch him up. Kylo had never quite been able to get the bloodstain out of the floor, despite scrubbing it a dozen times until his hands were raw.

He curled up one corner of the paper to read the first few lines: _Kylo, While I’m writing this, you’ve been gone a week. I gave you to Phasma to look after, and don’t think that wasn’t one of the harder things I’ve had to do. If you’re reading this, I suppose you know why you had to go. Your old family decided they want you back after months of not looking. I don’t think they’ve really thought about what you would want, about the possibility that you have a different life now…_

Kylo let out a shuddery breath, looked up at the ceiling and fought back the nervous shaking in his hands. The letter was so clear in Hux’s voice, he could practically hear him saying those words, could nearly feel his heavy hand on the back of his neck.

He kept reading.

_If you’re reading this, I must be gone. Dead, or locked up. You probably have conflicting feelings about me. You probably hate me. I understand why, although we both know there’s only one way you could have found this letter_.

Kylo’s stomach lurched. How did he _know_ these things? How did Hux, nearly without fail, _always_ know how Kylo would react to any given situation?

_My purpose in leaving you this letter is to set the record straight on a few crucial facts. I do love you. I may have been cruel to you, I may have done things you didn’t like, but you were the only…_

Kylo thrust the letter away from him with a low moan, unable to read any more. Only when he looked down did he realize he was pulling so hard on his hair he’d yanked out a few strands.

Over the past few months, he had managed to build a delicate wall that separated him from his feelings from Hux, but now he felt like it was crumbling. All his old confusion, his mixed-up attachment and hatred swirled around in a confusing mess in his mind.

He knew one thing. He didn’t want to be alone right now. It was dangerous for him to be alone. He’d take any sort of company. Any at all. He desperately needed a distraction. A half-formed plan in his mind, Kylo stumbled upstairs, shrugging his old clothes on before shoving the letter in his pocket.

* * *

An hour later, Kylo found himself sitting in his stolen car in the parking lot of a neon-lit bar in the nearby town, Hux’s half-read letter burning a hole in his pocket. He’d driven through the town, rejecting the first two bars he came to as too friendly, too nice. This bar had the look of a place where you needed to watch your back and your wallet, the kind of place you went when you were looking for trouble.

Kylo got out of his car and walked in. It was a busy night, people crowded around the bar smoking and laughing, another group of rowdy men playing pool in the corner and making loud bets over the outcome. Kylo immediately felt out of place.

It took him three tries to attract the bartender’s attention, squashed as he was between two groups of people hogging the bar. He bought a double rum and coke with the remaining change he had in his pocket. It was nearly the last of his money.

Finding the one, unoccupied barstool, he sat down, draining half of his drink almost immediately, and looking around at the patrons of the bar. As far as he could tell, he was the only person here alone. Everyone else was paired up or in a big group. There were people _everywhere_ , laughing and talking and joking around with each other as easy as breathing. Kylo began to feel very off balance. He didn’t realize how much his hands were shaking until he spilled part of his drink on his chin. He hunched his shoulders and wiped his face off. His fingers itched to pull the letter out of his pocket and read the rest. Maybe he could manage it here in a crowd of people rather than alone.

He was about to reach into his pocket when he was jostled from behind by someone trying to get up to the bar. He flinched hard and half-fell off the stool. Strong hands caught his shoulders before he could fall the rest of the way to the floor.

“Careful. You fall on the ground in a place like this, you might get trampled.” A man said, squeezing Kylo’s shoulders tight before letting go. Kylo’s skin seemed warm where he applied the pressure.

Kylo stared dumbly after him as he ordered a few drinks and walked back to his group of friends. The man who had grabbed him was tall, with strong arms and bootcut jeans.

Red hair. Kylo stared at the color as he walked away like moth to a flame.

He didn’t really realize he was staring until the man paused his conversation with his friends and glanced casually back at the bar, meeting Kylo’s eyes. Kylo flushed and looked away, but found himself staring again only a few minutes later. It was the man’s hair that fascinated him, just a few shades darker than Hux’s, but red all the same. He finished off his drink, his empty stomach protesting.

He didn’t know why he was here. This wasn’t helping him come up with a plan. The car he’d stolen was sitting in the parking lot, if anything it was more dangerous to be here than back at the house.

He was just thinking about leaving when the bartender came up to him, sliding another drink across the bar to him.

Kylo glanced up, startled. “Oh, no, I’m sorry, I – I don’t have enough money for it, I –”

The bartender cut him off with a disinterested wave of the hand. “It’s been paid for already.”

Kylo frowned in confusion. “By who?”

The bartender raised an eyebrow and nodded his chin behind him before walking away.

Kylo turned around slowly. The red-haired man was standing there, hands in his pockets, looking at Kylo with interest. “When someone stares at you intently across a bar as much as you’ve been staring at me, a man usually gets one of two ideas. One of them is that they’re looking for a fight. So tell me. We got a problem I don’t know about?”

Kylo flushed to the roots of his hair. “N-no. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

The man cut him off, eyes sparkling with a humor not entirely benign. “I thought you were a little skinny to be picking fights with guys in bars. Well, then. Guess that only leaves one option.” The man reached over and put his hand over Kylo’s resting on the bar.

Kylo stared at their point of connection. His throat closed up, and he didn’t think he could speak.

The man didn’t seem put off by Kylo’s lack of response. He grinned. “Tell you what. Nurse your drink. Think on it. I’ll circle back in a few minutes, see what you think.”

The man shot a sharp smile at him and walked off, back to the other side of the bar.

Kylo turned around, staring into the bottom of his glass. His entire body felt flush and shaky, his heart racing. With nothing else to do, he sipped the drink, before he knew it having finished most of it.

Surreptitiously, he kept glancing over at the red-haired man at periodic intervals, waiting until he seemed completely absorbed in his conversation. When it seemed like the man wasn’t paying him any attention, Kylo slipped off the barstool and snuck through the crowd, heading for the door. He wanted out of here.

He was halfway across the parking lot when he heard footsteps and a voice call out behind him. “Hey, wait a minute! You’d abandon a guy after he buys you a drink?”

Kylo flinched and gasped as a hand gripped his wrist and drew him to a halt, spinning him to face the tall, red-haired guy.

“At least give me a yes or no. That’s all I’m asking for.” The guy said, eyes shining in the dim parking lot, illuminated by a single streetlight.

Kylo’s head spun. He was so turned around, so worn down from exhaustion and worry, so lonely, so bent out of shape from Hux’s half-read letter. He looked up at this guy. The red hair, the forceful attitude, the tight grip on his wrist, all of it so achingly familiar.

He surged forward, pressing his lips to this man’s. The man growled with pleasure, grabbing Kylo’s waist and pulling him in closer. Kylo melted. He just needed someone to take charge for a minute, and it seemed like this guy was willing to do it.

He pulled away. The man was still holding tight to his wrist, as if he were going to run away. “Do you mind if I don’t tell you my name?” He said in sudden worry. This guy lived in town. What if he knew about Hux?

The man laughed, harsh and not necessarily friendly. “Yeah, I don’t give a shit.”

Kylo tried to pull the man toward the parking lot, drawing to a halt when he didn’t let up. “I have a car.” He offered up gently.

The red-haired man started pulling him in the other direction. “I’ll show you one better.”

A hundred yards behind the bar was a rundown motel, not visible from the road, and from the looks of it, only half-full. The man dragged Kylo down the row to the third-to-last door, fumbling in his pockets for the keys. Kylo swayed against him, going limp and pliable, sinking down into a headspace he thought he’d left far behind, but had been resurrected from his visit to Hux’s house. He wanted this. He wanted this so badly he could cry.

They entered the room and Kylo found himself being pressed against the wall. The guy ran his hands roughly through his hair and started to kiss him again. Kylo closed his eyes and pretended this was Hux. It was Hux pressing his hips against the wall, the sharp edges of his belt buckle pressing against his stomach. It was Hux holding his wrists tight in one hand. It was Hux kissing him so long he grew a little dizzy from lack of air.

In this moment, Kylo missed Hux so purely and so much he could scream. Freedom had never made him feel so able to relax, to hand over the reins to someone else. He just wanted to feel safe for one single moment, he just wanted to feel like someone loved him, loved every part of him, broken and not.

His family loved him for the parts that weren’t broken. Hux loved him for the parts that were. All he wanted was someone that loved both.

The shadow of resistance rose up in him when the man put his heavy, calloused fingers around Kylo’s mangled throat and squeezed a little. Kylo stiffened and his eyes flew open, the illusion disappearing in a moment.

“ _Don’t_ …” He pleaded hoarsely. The memory of being choked was still too much for him. For a long, horrifying second, Kylo thought the man wasn’t going to stop. It was dark in here, and hard to see, the man’s eyes glinting from the streetlight outside. Kylo wondered what he would do if he kept doing it.

Thankfully, he didn’t have to find out. The man removed his hands from Kylo’s throat and stepped away. Kylo wilted in relief. “Sure. Get over here.” The guy said authoritatively. A thin sliver of light illuminated his shock of red hair.

Kylo tottered after him, getting pushed backward onto the bed. The guy straddled him, and Kylo felt a silver thread of fear slice through him, making his nerves sing. He felt wide awake in a way he hadn’t for a while. He knew he should stop this, he knew he should leave. He knew what Holdo would say about something like this, but there was still some sick part of him that wanted this.

The man over him unzipped his pants, grabbing Kylo’s wrist and guiding his hand inside his pants. On instinct, Kylo followed his unspoken instructions and wrapped his fingers around the man’s cock.

“Make me feel good,” The guy ordered, and Kylo followed instructions, stroking with long, steady motions until he began to harden. He felt in a daze, doing what he was told without wondering whether or not he should.

The man moaned, pressing one hand down on Kylo’s chest to keep him flat on his back. Kylo struggled for breath for a few different reasons.

Eventually, the man pulled Kylo’s wrist away, shucking his shirt over his head and encouraging Kylo to do the same. It was so dark in this room they could hardly see each other, which was the only reason Kylo felt comfortable doing so. It was the only thing maintaining this fragile illusion that this was Hux over him and not some stranger.

The man tightened his hold on Kylo with his knees, running the pad of his finger over Kylo’s lips. “Tell me what you want.” He said roughly.

Kylo frowned a little, being asked what he wanted somewhat shattering the illusion. “Hurt me,” he gasped desperately, completely unselfconscious.

He could the smile in the man’s voice as he answered. “Oh, it’s like that, is it? I wouldn’t have taken you for that type, you kind of seemed like a… deer in headlights back at the bar.”

Kylo started to answer. “I just-”

He stopped talking as he was slapped hard on the cheek, the sound making a shocking crack in the small room. His blood sang.

“Shut up.” The man growled, and Kylo couldn’t stop the full-body shudder that went through him at the sound.

Before he knew it, there were rough hands pulling his pants down, leaving his underwear on. Kylo forgot himself for a moment and started to struggle out of sudden fear, finding himself flipped over so he was on his hands and knees. He was smacked hard on the ass. He cried out, tears springing to his eyes.

“Is that what you wanted?” The guy asked, sounding a little taken aback by Kylo’s reaction.

Kylo nodded, tears dripping down to his chin. “Yeah.. Yeah.. _Please_.”

The man hesitated behind him. “Are you… okay?”

Kylo let out a frustrated growl. This man kept shattering the delicate illusion he was trying to build by asking him questions. That’s not what he wanted. He needed him to take charge, to take what he wanted from Kylo and not care about the consequences.

He turned over, grabbing the man’s face for a kiss, trying his best to ignore how this man’s face was wider than Hux’s, had stubble where Hux did not, a million small differences that only reminded him that Hux was gone for good.

“Tell me you love me.” Kylo begged, voice thick with tears.

The guy grabbed his wrists and pressed them to the mattress again, thinking this was part of the act. “Yeah, sure, baby. I love you.” He said in a low voice, tone put on like this was an act. For him, it was.

Kylo felt that hole in his chest, the one he’d been trying to pretend didn’t exist, skitter open like a great chasm. He loved Hux, he did. He knew what Hux had done to him, but he loved him anyway. His feelings for Hux had been engineered carefully, had been grown from blasted soil, but they were still there. His family meant well, but they couldn’t accept this basic fact. Somewhere underneath all the pain was real feeling.

“Hux, I miss you.” Kylo said, choking up just a little bit more.

The red-haired guy above him paused for a moment, taken aback by the sudden name. He pressed his hand over Kylo’s mouth. “Shh. You don’t have to talk.”

Kylo obediently tried to stop, tried to do what he’d always done, just shut up and go along with things, but the last few days had been so hard, and he realized he’d reached a bit of a breaking point. He realized he’d felt like he was half-alive for months, for _years_. He was so sick and tired of being this way.

The man over him tried to salvage the situation. He slapped Kylo again. Kylo couldn’t answer. He was sick with grief, he wanted to be taken apart into pieces like Hux used to do, he wanted to not feel anything ever again. He didn’t know _what_ he wanted.

The guy had his hands ghosting over the waistband of Kylo’s briefs, but he paused when he heard Kylo continue to sob. “Um… are you _sure_ you’re okay? Maybe we should stop?” He asked uncertainly.

The man brought a hand down to rest on Kylo’s chest to comfort him, but he felt the brand, the scars. He stiffened and stopped. “What is that?”

The man rolled off of Kylo and went reaching for the beside lamp. “Look, maybe we should slow down and talk-”

“No, _don’t_ ,” Kylo begged, too late.

The light flickered on. Everything came into sharp focus. Kylo watched the realization and cascade of emotions cross the man’s face as he saw the extent of the damage on Kylo. First was shock, as he saw the proprietary brand and scars that crisscrossed his chest, arms, and legs. Next was horror, followed by a flash of disgust as he backed way up and got off the bed.

“Jesus, what the _fuck_?” The man exclaimed, one hand rising to his mouth.

Kylo lay across the bed, miserable. He closed his eyes, unable to bear the sudden rejection. He felt cold. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, whether for ruining this man’s night or for something else entirely he wasn’t sure.

“What… Who _did_ that to you?” The man asked softly, horrified, already switching into that tone that Kylo was so used to by now, the careful ‘ _don’t scare him off_ ’ kind of voice that he couldn’t stand.

Kylo bit his lip so hard he drew blood. “I’m sorry I wasted your time.” He choked out, getting off the bed and scooping up his scattered clothes from the floor, trying to get dressed as quickly as possible.

“Woah woah woah, wait a minute. Are you in trouble or something? I thought we were just… roleplaying or something, I didn’t think – Did someone hurt you? Do you need help?” The man said in concern.

Kylo couldn’t even look at him. It didn’t matter how conciliatory, how worried he seemed, Kylo had seen that flash of disgust on his face when he’d seen all of Kylo, the same one he’d seen on Rey’s face when he’d been rescued, on Leia’s face when she’d been checking for injuries. He’d been turned into something that only Hux could love, and Hux wasn’t here anymore.

“I have to go. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.” Kylo choked out, trying to get out of the room as quickly as possible, shame and humiliation pooling in his stomach.

The man struggled after him, hopping into his pants and following him to the door. “Hang on, you don’t have to go! Can I call someone for you?”

Kylo opened the door halfway, but the man behind him grabbed his wrist to stop him. Kylo froze in place out of instinct. “I don’t think you should leave.” The man pleaded.

Kylo looked at him with bruised eyes. “Are you going to stop me?” He asked quietly.

The man’s eyes slipped down to hover over the edge of the brand still poking out over Kylo’s hastily-put-on shirt. He still looked completely horrified. His flimsy resemblance to Hux had evaporated. Yes, he had red hair, but it was the wrong shade, he was too tall, and his hands were too calloused. Hux would never have looked at him like that, like there was something wrong with him.

The man looked sick at the suggestion of keeping Kylo here by force. He let go of his wrist. “No, of course not.” He said.

Kylo slipped out of the room without another word.

He’d only made it halfway across the parking lot when he could no longer hold back the flood of tears he’d been trying to keep under control. It had been a horrible idea to come here.

He fell into the front seat of his stolen car, rummaging around in the glove box for something sharp, falling back on old habits. The only thing he found was an old cigarette lighter. He struggled with the catch for a few moments, harsh sobs breaking the silence of the car. He got the flame going, but didn’t know what to do with it.

He thought about the unread letter in his pocket. He should burn it.

Kylo fumbled the letter out of his pocket. He was filled with a raging, baseless fury he didn’t know what to do with it. He didn’t know if he was angry with the red-haired man, with Hux, himself, or just entire situation he was caught in. Kylo’s hands shook as he tried to light the tiny flame again, but it just wouldn’t catch a second time. He tried once, twice, three times. Nothing happened.

Kylo threw the lighter across the car. It made a sharp cracking sound and hit the window. “ _Goddammit!_ ” He screamed. “ _Fuck! Fuck fuck FUCK!”_

Screaming like that hurt his throat, but he just kept doing it. Going back to the house like he had had knocked loose a flood of uncontrollable emotion. The sting of rejection was just too fierce, the fact that he _still_ missed Hux, despite everything was too much.

He didn’t _want_ to miss Hux. He wanted it to be easy and straightforward. He wanted to be able to hate Hux with no reservations, no caveats.

He was sick of it, he was sick of _all_ of it.

Without even realizing it, Kylo drove, wiping tears out of his blurry vision. He was nearly howling, just so worn out and angry, full of emotions with no outlet.

He didn’t know what he was going to do when he got back to the house. He had about a thousand ideas and couldn’t settle on a single one.

Kylo was so bent out of shape that he was halfway up the driveway to Hux’s house before he realized there was another car parked out front. He slammed on the brakes, fingers wrapped white-knuckled around the wheel, breath coming in short gasps.

It was Billings and Cartwright. Had to be. They’d found him.

Kylo’s first instinct was to turn around and flee. He put the car in reverse, but then paused. Where was he going to go? This was it. If he ran away, they would just find him again. Why couldn’t they just leave him alone?

He saw a brief flicker of light inside, like someone was walking through the house with a flashlight. Kylo’s fingers tightened on the wheel. What were they doing in there? Probably ruining all the hard work Kylo put in to cleaning the place up. What gave them the right to just invade the house like that? It didn’t belong to them.

It was Hux’s house. It was Kylo’s.

A detached fury fell over Kylo’s mind, an inevitable reaction to the stress of the last few days.

He turned the headlights off, parked on the side of the driveway and got out. He wandered up to the house, peeking in the front window. He saw a set of feet ascend the stairs to the second floor. He carefully walked around to the back of the house, opening the kitchen door as quietly as he could. He crept inside, crouched down, and listened.

“Find anything?” What sounded like Cartwright shouted from the entry hall.

“He was definitely here, but I think he left!” Billings shouted back from upstairs.

In order to stay quiet and avoid stumbling on his bad ankle, Kylo stayed on his hands and knees, crawling through the kitchen. He eased open one of the cabinets at ground level and took out a heavy ceramic baking dish before continuing on, creeping through the living room to get closer to Cartwright.

It was easy. He knew this house, inside and out. Every nook and cranny, every room, every piece of furniture. They didn’t.

Kylo could vaguely hear Billings rooting around upstairs. Cartwright was standing with his back to Kylo, looking at one of the end tables with pictures and knickknacks on it. He picked up a small, glass figurine, snorted and let it drop back onto the table. There was an audible crunch as a piece of it broke off.

Kylo saw red. Something snapped in his mind. Maybe he was done running. Maybe for once he’d make someone else regret getting on _his_ bad side. He was sick of being afraid.

Hux was out of his reach. These men weren’t.

Kylo crept up behind Cartwright, the heavy dish held in his hands. At the last moment, Cartwright heard a tiny creak of the floorboard behind him. He turned around, but it was too late. Kylo threw his weight into it, smashing the baking dish into the side of the man’s head. There were two dull thuds, one from the dish hitting his head, and the other from his body hitting the ground.

Kylo stood over him, breathing heavily. He almost felt like his vision was going in and out of focus from how hard his heart was beating.

The sound of Billings rooted around upstairs stopped. “Phil?” Billings called from upstairs.

Kylo reached down, rooting around in Cartwright’s jacket until he found his gun. He picked it up, turning his sights slowly upstairs.

Kylo crept up the stairs in the dark, an unconscious snarl splitting his face in two.

After what he’d been through, Kylo had a higher threshold for stress than most. However, put anyone under an undue amount of strain, and they would reach their breaking point. Kylo had reached his. And this time, he was going to do something about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [waiter voice] Anyone order feral Kylo? Because you're getting him.
> 
> Next chapter: The rest of that letter, the return of Phasma, and a whole lot of trouble. Thanks for reading.


	13. Chapter 13

It was silent up above as Kylo crept carefully up the stairs, staying on his hands and knees for the most part to stay stealthy. He knew from experience that the outside edges of the stairs were quieter, so he did his best to stick there.

Blood pounded in his ears. He could still feel the vibration in his fingers from the thud of the dish colliding with Cartwright’s head. He was finding it hard to think clearly at the moment.

Kylo peered over the top of the stairs. The doors to the bedroom and office were both open, but the only room with lights on was the bedroom. Kylo crept down the hallway, eyes trained intently on it.

He drew to a halt just before he passed the office. He looked at it. It was dark and quiet, and everything led him to believe Billings was in the bedroom. However, something made him pause. Billings had called out once and then nothing.

He knew Kylo was coming.

Kylo flicked his eyes to the right, to the yawning dark of the office. His hand tightened reflexively on the gun in his hand. He had to take a huge, shuddering breath and make a concerted effort to remove his finger from the trigger.

As quick as he could, he removed one of his shoes and tossed it underhand into the bedroom. It hit the door and made a loud clunking sound. Kylo pressed himself flat against the wall and held his breath. He didn’t have to wait long.

Billings crept quietly out of the office, gun pointed at the ground, all his attention focused on the bedroom.

Kylo stepped forward and fired. There was a deafening sound in the small hallway.

Billings shouted and staggered forward, one hand going up to his ears and the other going limp. Kylo had fired right into the wall just beyond his head.

Before he could get his senses back, Kylo darted forward and grabbed the gun out of his hand before backing way up.

Billings stumbled around in a circle, still clutching one ear and staggered by the surprise attack. When he saw Kylo, he gritted his teeth, falling back against the wall.

“You followed me.” Kylo accused him.

Billings shook his head like he was trying to get water out of his ears. “Yeah, I – Jesus _Christ_ , I think you blew my eardrum out! Are you fucking crazy?”

“Some people seem to think so.” Kylo said wryly.

Billings straightened up from his position on the wall, lowering his hand from his ear and trying to regain some of his lost authority. He held out a hand and stepped forward. “I think you’d better give me that back, son.”

Kylo took two steps back, angling his body away from Billings and raising the gun a little. “I don’t think so.” He snapped.

Billings paused, taking a closer look at Kylo and taking in his body language and state of mind. His face smoothed out, evidently seeing he wasn’t dealing with the same person as the other day. “Okay, son, I know you’re a little worked up, but I’m sure that we can-”

Kylo’s face twitched, and he stepped forward, pressing Billings’ gun hard into the center of the man’s forehead. “No, I think we need to get one thing straight right off the top.” He rasped. “My name isn’t _son_. It isn’t buddy, or kid, or honey, or whatever other stupid goddamn nickname you come up with so you have an excuse to treat me like shit. My name isn’t Ben either. It’s Kylo. Just Kylo. Got it?”

Kylo’s finger twitched on the trigger, and Billings saw it. He stiffened and froze in place against the wall. “Yes.” He said carefully. “I understand.”

“Good.” Kylo stayed there, gun barrel pressing into Billings’ forehead before stepping away. There was a circular indent in his skin.

Billings looked at him carefully, considering his next words before he said them. “So. Kylo. What happens now?”

Kylo let out a shuddery breath. “I just want you people to leave me alone.”

“I’m afraid that’s not possible.” Billings said.

“Sure it’s possible. You just don’t want to do it.” Kylo snapped.

There was a slight pause. “Can I ask where Phil is?” Billings asked, still standing against the wall.

Kylo had begun to pace a little, too pent-up to stay in one spot. “He’s downstairs.”

“Is he dead?”

“I don’t know.” Kylo snapped, not having thought about it until this very moment. “Maybe.”

“I’d like to go down and check on him.” Billings said neutrally. A statement, not a request.

Kylo noticed. He realized that he had two grown men on his hands, and that he had no idea what he was doing. “Do you have handcuffs?” He asked abruptly.

Billings stayed neutral. “Why?”

Kylo fired off another shot right near Billings’ knee, making him jump. “Just answer the question. If not, it’s no worry. I know where I can find some.” He said, a bitter smile twisting his features.

Billings knew when to give up. “Yes, I do.”

“Great. Then get downstairs. Come on.” Kylo said, motioning with the gun, making sure to keep Billings a few feet ahead of him at all times.

When they made it downstairs, Kylo took a closer look at Cartwright. He’d been in such a hurry before he hadn’t really taken any time to ascertain the state he was in. He was still unconscious, lying where Kylo had left him. There was a little blood, but it wasn’t spreading across the floor.

Kylo had Billings cuff Cartwright to the stairs, the chain threaded through the sturdy wooden banister. He then urged him to walk through the kitchen and towards the basement.

Billings balked at the head of the stairs. “I’m not going down there.” He announced decisively.

Kylo wondered how much he knew about what had gone on in this house. As far as Kylo was concerned, the more he knew, the worse it was.

“Go,” He ordered, motioning with the gun.

Billings turned around to look at him. “You’re not going to shoot me, Kylo. I’m not going to cooperate with whatever this is anymore. You’re going to put the gun down, we’re going to call an ambulance for Phil, and then you’re coming with me.”

Kylo stiffened. “You don’t know what I would or wouldn’t do.” He said.

Billings gave him a condescending look. “If you were going to shoot me, you would have already done it. You’re looking for someone to give you a little guidance. Please. Let me.”

This man still thought he was in charge, still believed he would easily be able to control Kylo with just a few words here or there.

“You wanna bet?” Kylo asked, a horrible gleam in his eyes.

“Yes. I know you. You don’t want to hurt anyone.” Billings said, still so sure of himself.

Kylo cawed a quick, desperate laugh. “Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure about _that._ ” He said.

He shot Billings in the right arm, the gunfire deafening. Billings howled, falling to his knees and clutching his bleeding arm with one hand.

Kylo stared at him for a few moments, slightly dazed. He knew objectively that he had shot Billings, but something about it didn’t feel real. His head felt cottony, light streaked distractingly. He hunkered down, the gun hanging from one hand. “One thing I’ve noticed is that people like to tell me what I think. Nobody ever asks, not really, they just look at me and think they know everything there is to know. So… I guess I can’t fault you for that.”

Billings rasped an unsteady breath and clutched his arm. “You… you shot me!”

Kylo blinked, looking at the blood welling up and staining the man’s shirt. He’d done that, right? “It’s just your arm. You’ll be fine. I’ve had worse.”

Billings gawked at him. His shock was subsiding, and righteous anger was taking its place. “What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you do that, I was _cooperating_!”

Kylo moved fast, pivoting forward and pressing the barrel of the gun underneath Billings’ chin. Billings went very still.

“Do you know what there is to think about when you’re locked in a cage for hours at a time? Full days, some of the time.” Kylo asked, his tone curious like this was a real question.

Billings didn’t dare shake his head. “No,” He said quietly.

Kylo smiled, the bitter curl of his lips not meeting his eyes. “Not a whole lot is the answer. Sure, you go through the usual panic, plans for escape, and self-pity. Of course. You’d think after that I would think about my old life, my family… No. Not really. You know that when I saw Rey again, who used to be my best friend in the whole world, I didn’t even recognize her? It hurt too much to think about real life. Why bother remembering people you’ll never see again? So no. I didn’t think about them. Do you know what’s left after that?”

Billings swallowed. He was still cradling his injured arm. “I don’t.”

“Of course you don’t.” Kylo said, anger flaring so much he pressed the gun barrel even harder into the man’s chin. Billings sucked in a terrified breath. “You have no _idea_ what it was like, which is why you felt so comfortable signing me up to see the last person in the world that I want to talk to.”

“I’m sorry, Kylo, I –”

Kylo interrupted him. “What’s left after that is just… black _fury_ at the person who put you in there. You don’t have the fucking option of showing that when they’re around, no, when they’re around you have to be _good_ and play nice, or you’re in for a world of hurt, but when they’re gone?”

Kylo’s voice hissed out. He felt like every muscle was tight and coiled. “I imagined killing Hux _so many_ different ways. Slitting his throat with some broken glass, choking him, stabbing him with sharp scissors, drowning him in the bathtub. You name it, I thought about it. I got a little creative after a while. I didn’t have anything else to do. Sometimes, I was so angry I thought I would just… die from it. I didn’t have anywhere to put it but back into me.”

Billings didn’t move.

Kylo deflated a little bit. “Of course, having thoughts like that was dangerous. Really dangerous. If Hux knew that I was even _thinking_ about stuff like that…” He couldn’t help the shake to his hands that he tried to steady. “Anyway. I had to put away that part of myself just to get through the day. So, eventually I just… _forgot_ how angry I was, how much I wanted to hurt him like he’d hurt me.”

“I’ve been remembering a lot of stuff today. Stuff like this. I never really got the chance to do anything like that to Hux. He’s out of my reach. But you’re not.”

Kylo returned his attention to Billings. Billings was leaning away from Kylo as much as he thought he could get away with, nursing his arm. Varied emotions flit across his face. Fear, anger, the desire to flee, but knowing he couldn’t. He couldn’t because Kylo had the power right now. Kylo stared at Billings, fascinated in the display. He wondered if this was how Hux felt with him, if he loved to see the fear and submission battle on his face. He could understand why Hux liked it. After so long without any power, it was nearly intoxicating to feel like this.

Kylo watched him for another few seconds before standing up again. He motioned with the gun. “Get up. We’re going downstairs.”

Billings staggered to his feet, and after a mistrustful glance at Kylo began to trudge down the stairs, no argument this time.

Both of them drew to a halt when they saw the cage sitting open on the ground. For some reason, it seemed to make everything just a little more real.

Billings turned to face Kylo, looking desperate. “You can’t. Look, I realize what I did was callous and awful, and I’m _sorry_. I’m willing to talk it over with you. I think the two of us can start again-”

“Get in.” Kylo said flatly.

Billings didn’t look behind him. “Look, I know you don’t want to-”

Kylo took a quick step forward, and Billings immediately relented, backing up. Kylo’s blood sang. He felt shot through with electricity.

As slowly as humanly possible, Billings got down and backed up into the cage, a sour look on his face. Without taking his eyes off of him, Kylo backed up to the side room, rummaging around on a shelf until he found an extra padlock and key. He darted forward and, before Billings could do anything, locked the door.

Kylo backed up. They stared at each other in a baited silence, each expecting the other to do something.

“Well? What now?” Billings asked, paradoxically having gotten some of his courage back.

Kylo blinked. He didn’t know. His thought process hadn’t progressed much past making sure neither of the men were in a position to hurt him.

Billings saw his hesitation. He dropped his voice and spoke in a soothing, non-confrontational tone that Kylo knew was as fake as he was. “Kylo. I know this is a confusing situation. I don’t blame you for – for doing what you did, but what you need to do right now is let me go and let me take care of things. I won’t-”

Kylo interrupted him. “How much did you know?”

“About what?” Billings asked. He was crouched down into the small space and he had to crane his head up to meet Kylo’s eyes. Kylo thought this would feel good, but instead, he was starting to feel a little ill.

“About me!” Kylo snapped. “About, about what he was doing to me. Did you know – What did he tell you?”

Billings went carefully blank, stalling for time. “He didn’t tell me much. All I knew is that he had an interest in you and didn’t want anyone to find you.”

Kylo didn’t need to be observant to know that that was a lie. “You’re lying.”

Billings went wide-eyed. “I’m not!” He protested his innocence.

Kylo’s stomach swooped when he studied Billings’ expression: badly-concealed fear and badly-concealed lies. That must have been what he looked like to Hux. He even recognized the wavering tone of voice, the vain attempt to get away with something when they both knew the truth.

Kylo was so unused to being on the other side of this situation that for a long few moments all he could do was stand there in silence. With a burst of insight, he realized that for the first time, _he_ had the power here.

Giving Billings a quick flat look, he went back upstairs for a moment, coming back down with a sharp filleting knife. When Billings saw him descend the stairs with that held in his hand, he went white.

“What are you doing with that?” He asked, the confidence from a minute ago having evaporated.

“I want you to tell the truth.” Kylo said, cold. Something about being in this position had him thinking just like Hux. He felt very far away from himself.

Billings’ eyes were glued on the knife. “I _am_ telling the truth.” He said, voice reedy.

Kylo shut his eyes for a moment, sure he’d said those exact words in that exact tone of voice before. His stomach swooped again.

Kylo crouched down in front of the cage, hand holding the knife resting over his knee. “Give me your hand.”

“What?” Billings said, eyes wide with fear.

Kylo heard the words coming out of his mouth from very far away, like they were somebody else’s. “You’re going to give me your hand, and then I’m going to cut off one of your fingers. Then maybe you’ll tell me the truth.”

Billings pressed away from him as far as he could, still clutching his injured arm close to his chest. “I’m – I’m not doing that.” He stammered.

There was a sharp pain pulsing behind Kylo’s eye. He grabbed for Billings’ hand, but he pulled away with a gasp. Without even realizing he was doing it, Kylo lunged forward, stabbing him in the thigh. Billings shrieked and kicked, his foot clanging against the bars.

“Okay, okay, okay! I lied! I knew a hell of a lot! Get that knife out of me, you fucking maniac!”

Kylo drew back, watching with a clinical eye as blood dripped from the knife’s edge to the tips of his fingers where he held the handle.

“I knew exactly what was happening. There was this guy, this – this lowlife shithead Hux asked me to relocate. He used to live here, in town, but I guess he saw something, I don’t know… I had to drive him out east. Personally. I guess Hux didn’t trust that he would really go, so that was my job. He didn’t tell me much, just to get him out of town, set him up elsewhere, make sure he never spoke about what he saw…” Billings rambled on, voice unsteady.

Kylo was having trouble following what he was saying. What did this have to do with anything?

Billings seemed emboldened by Kylo’s silence, because he kept talking. “Anyway, all I can say is, this guy must have been an amazing actor to have convinced Hux he wouldn’t say anything. Because when I had him, he would _not_ stop talking, almost the entire drive. I don’t know, maybe I look more approachable than I thought, he might have seen me as a friendly ear to unload on. I get it. Hux could be a cold motherfucker. He probably put on the show of his life to convince Hux he wouldn’t talk.”

Kylo’s headache was only getting worse. “Get to the point.” He snapped. “What does this have to do with anything?”

Billings took another breath. “This idiot kid told me everything. He said he was working in a gas station when this barefoot, scrambled, wild-haired guy burst in and started rambling about having escaped from someone’s basement. Of course, the kid didn’t believe him, but, well, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you the rest.”

Kylo remembered the station attendant’s face, the mounting disbelief on the man’s face as he desperately tried to get through to him. No, he remembered very well. His legs felt watery, and he sat down on the floor, a few feet away from the cage.

“Hux told me he explained things to him, and he believed everything Hux said.” Kylo said a little blankly.

Billings gave him a pitying look. “Is that what he told you? No, that kid changed his mind right quick when he saw Hux chase you down and drag you back to the car by your hair. He said he could hear you screaming from inside the gas station.”

Kylo’s hand tightened unconsciously on the knife.

“He had the phone off the hook dialing the police when Hux came back in and put the fear of God into him. He made it extremely clear that his two choices were forgetting what he’d seen or, well… The kid told me he knew he had to put on the performance of his life if he didn’t want to end up… well, like you. Sorry. He must have been very convincing if Hux let him go.” Billings was still leaned up against the far side of the cage, but telling the story seemed to have settled him a little bit. Blood spread and dripped down his pant leg.

Kylo put his head in his hands and breathed in through his nose. “Why… why did he tell you all that? He knew you worked for Hux.”

Billings paused before answering. “He thought I had no idea. He was too afraid of Hux to go to the police, but he thought I could do something about it.”

Kylo lifted his head, which felt like a thousand pounds. His stomach was tied up in knots. “What happened?”

He watched Billings’ face carefully. Kylo could tell that he wanted very badly to lie, but his experience over the last few minutes encouraged him to tell the truth. “I made sure he wasn’t going to tell anyone. That was my job. It’s what Hux paid me for.”

Kylo stared for a moment. “You killed him.”

There was a long pause. Billings was watching him with careful eyes, obviously calculating how Kylo was going to react to whatever he said next. Kylo recognized himself in the expression, and felt an awful sense of vertigo. “Yes,” he said finally.

By this point, Kylo was intimately familiar with cruelty, had been on the receiving end of so many different kinds, but this stopped him in his tracks. He felt his anger come roaring back.

“I hope he fucking paid you pretty well.” Kylo snapped.

“He did.” Billings said, unapologetic.

“How could you do that, if you knew… if you _knew_?” Kylo asked, getting up and tightening his fingers on the knife again.

Billings tensed up, staring at the knife warily. “Because if it’s not happening to you, it’s easy to ignore. That’s why. You would have done the same in my position.”

“I wouldn’t. That’s the problem with people like you. You all think – you all think everyone thinks like you.” Kylo swayed forward.

Billings tried to rein in the situation. “You just don’t understand –”

Kylo lunged forward and slammed a hand against the side of the cage. It made a discordant clanging sound. Billings flinched back. “No, _you_ don’t understand! If you had done something, if you had just, I could have, I could’ve…”

Kylo didn’t quite know how to put what he was feeling into words. He could have hated Hux with no reservations, without his mind being mucked up with confusing, contradictory impulses. He could have had a chance to live a life free of Hux’s influence.

Kylo growled and shook the bars of the cage. Billings stayed as far away from Kylo as he possibly could, which wasn’t very far.

He stood up abruptly, arms hanging at his sides. “Maybe I’m not explaining this correctly.” He said blankly. “Maybe if I just show you what it was like, you’ll understand better.”

Billings looked a little gray. “No, look, Be – Kylo. You don’t need to do that.”

Billings kept talking, but Kylo was done listening. He stood up and retreated upstairs. Some of his blank affect was disappearing, being replaced by pure, uncomplicated rage. He stood over the sink, stomach in knots, clutching the counter so hard it hurt his fingers. What Billings had done was objectively nowhere near as bad as what Hux had, but it was easier to hate Billings, less complicated, with none of the baggage that had been rattling around in his head for so long.

Kylo breathed through his nose, staring off at nothing. He wanted to hurt Billings. He wanted to do something, _anything_ , to make him understand just how awful it had been. He wanted him to comprehend the full weight of what he had done.

At the thought of hurting him, Kylo’s stomach lurched and he heaved over the sink, nothing but bile coming up. He wiped his mouth off and stared forward, blank.

There was a sound from the other room. A furtive, stealthy slither.

Kylo stiffened, following the sound back to the front hall. The banister where he’d left Cartwright was abandoned, and the handcuffs and key were lying on the ground. Somehow, Billings had managed to slip the key to him without Kylo noticing.

Suddenly terrified that Cartwright had gotten away, Kylo hurried down the hallway, seeing Cartwright staggering down the hallway, leaning heavily against one wall, his head injury clearly slowing him down.

“Hey!” Kylo shouted, running for him. Cartwright turned his head with difficulty when he heard Kylo, grimacing with effort and turning around to face him.

Kylo lunged for him, not sure what he was going to do, just so filled with panicked anger all he could think about was stopping this man from leaving. He was still holding the filleting knife; he slashed at Cartwright, drawing a line of blood across the man’s arm.

Cartwright grunted and backhanded Kylo. Even stunned and injured, he was stronger, so Kylo hit the opposite wall like a pinball, his ears ringing. He dropped the knife on the ground.

Cartwright saw it and lunged for it, Kylo falling close behind him. They scrabbled for the knife, grappling in vain for a minute until Kylo managed to get the fingers of his right hand around the handle. Cartwright immediately gave up on the knife, gripping Kylo’s shoulders and turning him onto his back. He slammed Kylo’s shoulders hard into the floor, and Kylo cried out, hitting the back of his head against the ground.

Blind panic gripped him when Cartwright put his hands around Kylo’s throat and started to squeeze.

“Will you just, fucking, settle down?” Cartwright grunted, his own eyes swimming in and out of focus. Blood was caked to the side of his face and it was clear he wasn’t thinking clearly.

Kylo gasped for breath, his hands clawing at Cartwright’s arms and chin, whatever he could reach. He managed to scratch viciously at the edge of the wound he’d left in Cartwright’s face, but the man just grunted and tightened his grip.

Terror fell over Kylo’s mind like a blank sheet. When his vision started to swim from lack of air, it was Snoke’s face he saw hovering over his, sadistic and cruel. He felt the urge to submit, to let his arms and legs go limp like he was supposed to, and just pray that Snoke wouldn’t actually kill him.

He almost did, but Cartwright’s face flickered into view again, and Kylo saw the blood streaking his face. Kylo had done that. He’d hurt him. All of a sudden, he flipped around, he felt so angry it lit his nerve endings on fire. He’d been here before. How many times was this going to happen to him? How many times was he going to be flat on his back with a man straddling him, hurting him, taking what he wanted? Not this time. He was sick of it. He was fucking sick of it.

This time would be different. Kylo was going to defend himself. He was going to fucking kill him.

Before his strength gave out, Kylo abandoned his useless grappling and went for the forgotten knife instead. It was a few feet away, and he had to stretch his arm out as far as it would go, his fingers scrabbling for the hilt. His vision was beginning to go gray by the time he got a hold of it.

Cartwright was so focused on choking Kylo he didn’t notice Kylo get the knife until it was too late. With the last of his strength, Kylo swung with his arm, burying the knife into the side of Cartwright’s neck. Cartwright’s face transformed into a near-comical O of surprise. His grip loosened on Kylo’s throat.

Kylo yanked the knife out with one vicious motion. Blood gushed everywhere, splattering the floor and Kylo’s face. Some dripped into Kylo’s mouth.

Cartwright began to slump backwards as Kylo sat up, struggling for breath. His face twisted into an animalistic snarl, and he kicked Cartwright as hard as he could. The man fell backwards onto the floor, gurgling, blood pulsing sickeningly straight from the artery.

Cartwright tried to crawl away, but Kylo clawed after him, growling from his scratchy throat. Kylo grabbed the back of the man’s head, slamming him face-first into the floor. There was a sickening crunch, and Cartwright jerked. Kylo panted, his bloody hands leaving red streaks in the man’s hair. Kylo stared at it, seeing nothing but red.

When Kylo stabbed him the first time, it was almost an automatic instinct. There was red, red everywhere.

Cartwright was face-down, which only made it easier to imagine Hux in his place. Kylo stared at him, hands shaking. “I just don’t know why you can’t leave me alone.” He rasped, not sure who he was talking to.

Cartwright gurgled and choked. His hands opened and closed into fists. Kylo leaned down, teeth bared. “I’m still here. You’re not.” He said hoarsely, voice almost a whisper. He felt like he was vibrating out of his skin. “You tried your best to destroy me, but it didn’t work.”

The man with the red streaks in his hair tried to crawl down the hallway. Kylo kept pace with him. “You know what? I’m glad I didn’t kill myself. You would have liked that. I’m sure that’s what you would have wanted me to do, but fuck that. Fuck you.”

Kylo stopped, frozen to the spot. His mind spun, unable to believe he’d really said that. The man gurgled and crawled, dying but not giving up.

He made it almost to the end of the hallway before Kylo remembered him. He’d caught sight of the gun Kylo had left on the ground and was grappling for it with rapidly weakening hands. Kylo’s eyes widened and he ran forward to grab it.

The next few events happened in quick succession. Kylo heard the sound of the gun’s safety being clicked off. The man on the ground rolled over, aiming unsteadily at Kylo. He fired. Kylo stopped in his tracks, clamping his eyes shut and waiting for the blooming pain. It didn’t come.

Kylo opened his eyes, and looked to his right. The bullet had narrowly missed him, burrowing a hole in the wallpaper behind him. He looked back down, eyes wild.

The man gurgled and panted, his hands swinging everywhere, struggling to pull the trigger again.

Kylo didn’t give him the chance. He screamed, falling onto the man and stabbing him again.

“ _Fuck!_ ” He howled. He wasn’t seeing Cartwright anymore. All he could see was Hux.

Kylo stabbed him again. And again. And again. Over and over again until his hands became slippery with blood. He screamed. He couldn’t seem to stop. Every dark thought, every bloody instinct he’d had to suppress around Hux came howling out of him in an instant. Everything he’d wanted to do to Hux for so long seemed possible. For every time Hux hit him, hurt him, twisted his thoughts up like a wind-up toy and set it running for his own amusement.

When he finally stopped, the house was quiet around him. Everything was still. Kylo dropped the knife, scrambled away, sat against the wall and stared at his hands for a long, long time.

It might have been an hour later when he made his way back down to the basement, still holding the knife loosely in one hand. He saw the shock and horror crawl across Billings’ face. He gasped, his face going white, pressing back against the bars of the cage, a trapped animal’s fear obvious in his face. Kylo felt wrung-out, like all his fury had abandoned him.

“Your partner is dead,” Kylo announced flatly.

Billings squawked a nervous laugh and clapped a hand over his mouth, staring at the blood-soaked Kylo.

“How were you planning on getting me in touch with Phasma?” Kylo asked.

Billings paused for a long time. “Will you kill me if I tell you?”

“How about you just tell me and you’ll find out?” Kylo snapped.

Billings carefully considered the consequences of going along with Kylo or not, but clearly decided withholding information would only piss him off even more. “She’s in London. I have a phone number. I was going to fly you out there and have you call her.”

“What’s the number?” Kylo demanded.

Billings pointed with a wavering finger at his jacket that Kylo had taken before locking him in the cage. Kylo dug the phone out of his pocket, following the man’s instructions until he found the number. He tucked the phone back into his pocket and looked at Billings.

Billings shrunk away. He didn’t ask the question, but they were both thinking it.

Kylo’s manic energy had receded somewhat now. All he really wanted was to be alone in Hux’s house. He had a lot to think about. He wanted to read that letter.

Kylo thought about all the things he could do to Billings. He had the upper hand, he had every reason to hate the man, and every opportunity to take out his frustrations on him.

Something about that didn’t feel right. Killing Cartwright, that had felt like justified defense. Doing this, hurting Billings… That would just be torture. As furious as Kylo truly was, that still wasn’t a line he was willing to cross.

Kylo dug the key to the padlock and dangled it from one finger.

“Will you leave me alone if I let you go?” He asked.

Billings jumped at his chance. “Yes. Of course.”

Kylo knew he was lying, of course he was lying, but he was almost too tired to care. He had an inkling of a plan, and it wouldn’t matter much after that.

Kylo let him dangle for a moment before tossing the key into the cage. Billings grabbed it with all the fervor of a drowning man.

Kylo closed his eyes. “Get out of my house.”

Billings nodded, made various promises, but Kylo didn’t wait around to hear them. He went back upstairs and laid down on the couch, staring into space and waiting until he heard Billings sneak up the stairs and leave out the back door.

At long last, Kylo was alone in the house.

When he was sure he was alone, Kylo dug the letter out of his pocket, angling it so he could read it from the moonlight coming from outside. He left bloody fingerprints everywhere.

The letter continued:

_I do love you. I may have been cruel to you, I may have done things you didn’t like, but you were the only person I have ever loved. For most of my life, I thought myself incapable of the feeling. It seemed like a weakness, an indulgence, something for other people to succumb to, but certainly not me._

_I wonder if your love for me is real, manufactured as it is. I suppose only you could tell me that._

_There was just something so surprising about you. No matter what I did to you, no matter what I asked of you, you were always up to the task. You were endlessly fascinating to me. I suppose if you weren’t, I wouldn’t have kept you. There were so many times where I thought, for sure this time, you would finally give up, but you didn’t._

_You were hard to break. Much harder than I initially thought. You were stubborn; every time I thought I’d succeeded, you bounced back, so dead-set on keeping your mind your own. I didn’t tell you at the time, but I loved that about you. Most people are easy to anticipate, weak-willed and dull. Not you._

_I suppose you think you’re weak because of what I made you into. I don’t think so. If anything, you rose to my challenge. You surpassed it. You are everything I wanted you to be and more. I always had to be on my toes around you._

_Now that you’re free of me, I can’t stop you from hating me, but know this. Nobody will ever appreciate you the way I do. People will see you as irreparably damaged because they never saw you like I did. I’m the only one who will know you for your resilience._

_I see and know you entire._

_Hux_

Kylo stared at the letter for a long time. He thought about the man he’d tried to sleep with in the bar, who had recoiled violently when he’d seen Kylo entirely. He thought Hux was probably right. Hux saw something in him that nobody else did.

Kylo looked over at the man he’d killed, motionless in a pool of blood. He seemed to be nursing two instincts inside him: the fury that had led him to finally fight back, and the horrible, clinging attachment to Hux that he just couldn’t get over as hard as he tried.

Kylo knew he had to pick one. Here, of all places, in Hux’s decaying husk of a house, Kylo had to decide. He couldn’t keep living in this hellish stasis for any longer. He had to lay down and give up or change and move on. Those had always been his choices when Hux was pulling the strings, and it seemed things hadn’t changed very much.

Kylo wandered over to the body, looking down at the bloody mess. The anger that had precipitated his act was just as real as how much he missed the way Hux made him feel enclosed and protected.

He held the letter in one hand. Hux had been the only to recognize his stubbornness and resilience, but he’d passed that knowledge on to Kylo. Maybe if Kylo knew that about himself, maybe that was enough. He’d said it himself.

Hux was gone. He was still here.

Kylo came to a decision without even consciously realizing it.

Half an hour later, he stood in the entryway holding a book of matches. The entire place reeked of gasoline. He’d found a few cans in the garage, and he’d taken his time, as meticulous now as he’d ever been cleaning the house.

Kylo took a deep breath, searching inside himself for any kind of hesitation. He couldn’t find any. He took one last look into the darkened house, the cold, empty rooms that he’d survived in for so long, sneaking around the corners and doing his best not to be noticed by Hux. Because that’s what he had been doing, of course. Surviving. Not living.

Kylo held the crumpled letter in one bloody fist, lighting a match with the other. He held the wavering flame to the paper, thrilling as it caught flame.

Kylo held the burning letter in one hand for a moment, then let it go.

The carpet caught fire first, before spreading to the living room curtains, the couch, the armchairs. Kylo stared at the fire in a daze for a minute or two before remembering that he had to get out.

Kylo walked across the lawn, dark night sky above, and then turned around to face his old prison.

The fire spread through the house quickly, almost like it wanted to burn. Second-floor windows exploded from the heat and flames leaped out of the window, lapping the shingles and spreading, growing, feeding. Black, acrid smoke billowed into the air.

Kylo watched it burn, a true, satisfied smile crossing his face. Not all of the weight, but a small part of it lifted off his shoulders.

He began to laugh, great, wild, cackling peals that ripped from his throat. The sound rose up into the air to mingle with the smoke. His laughter wasn’t humorous, wasn’t mad; it was just pure emotion, a release after years held inside.

He shrieked in laughter so hard tears sprang to his eyes. He laughed so hard he began to run out of breath. He doubled over and then collapsed onto the cool grass, laughing still.

He howled, tore at the grass, watched the smoke rise into the air, watched Hux’s house burn down with a manic glee.

By the time the fire had burned down to embers hours later, he still had a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kylo can have a little catharsis, as a treat. Sorry about the absence of Phasma, but this was a much better place to break, so she'll be coming next time instead :)


	14. Chapter 14

Kylo sat cross-legged on the motel bed, passing the burner phone he’d bought from one hand to the other with nervous energy. He knew what he had to do, but the thought of actually dialing that number and hearing her voice again held all the dangers of backsliding, of falling into that deep pit he had scratched and fought so hard to get out of.

The only thing keeping him even halfway calm was Henry sleeping with his head in Kylo’s lap, huffing and snoring in his sleep. Kylo scratched absently behind Henry’s ears, feeling his heartbeat slow down as he did it.

The path to this motel had been a rocky one, and there were several times where Kylo thought he wouldn’t be able to pull it off. Even a month ago, the stress of getting here might have been enough to send him spiraling back into a headspace of helplessness that was so hard for him to fight against. However, the catharsis he’d felt from burning down Hux’s house was so strong it was as if the cobwebs had been blown from his mind. He felt wide awake in a way that he hadn’t for a very, very long time.

After the long night spent alone watching Hux’s house burn to embers, Kylo realized that he had to act quick, that he only had a limited time before it might be too late to get out of the country like he needed to. He drove a few towns over and finally ditched the stolen car, knowing he was really pushing his luck on that front. He had taken the time to steal Cartwright’s wallet before he’d set the match, so he had enough cash to buy a bus ticket to the nearest big city.

Once he was there, he found what might have been one of the last pay phones still in existence, and, after a great deal of deliberation, called Luke. He knew that if he called either his parents or Rey, they would demand he come home right away, that he sit back and let them take care of things, but Kylo wanted, no, _needed_ , to do this himself. His time of passively accepting what happened to him was hopefully far behind him. He was going to do everything within his power to make sure that was the case.

It took a great deal of effort to convince Luke not to immediately tell Leia where he was, but after letting a frazzled Luke know that he was alive, free, and mostly unharmed, he eventually persuaded a very reluctant Luke to help him get to London.

Luke was initially very opposed to doing anything of the sort, but the thing that finally clinched the deal was Kylo asking him whether he was serious about wanting him to make his own decisions or whether that was just talk. Luke then wanted to come with him, but Kylo didn’t know what Billings would do after the chaos at the house, and knew it would be safest if he went alone.

Luke arranged for Kylo to be a passenger on a small charter flight smuggling something or other into England. The details didn’t matter very much to Kylo as long as he could get there.

Luke insisted on showing up to the airfield to give Kylo the passport he’d need to get into the country. When he’d shown up, Kylo hadn’t known he was bringing Henry with him. Out of his control, his knees buckled, and he sat down on the pavement while Henry bounded out of Luke’s car and sprinted up to Kylo, shoving his head under his chin and industriously sniffing him as if he could find out everything that had gone wrong that way.

Kylo buried his head in Henry’s fur and hugged him tight, not realizing until this moment just how much he had missed the dog.

He opened one eye and looked up at Luke, who was standing with his arms crossed, worried but complicit. “Thank you for bringing him.” He said gratefully.

Luke eyed one of the bruises Kylo had on his neck from his fight with Cartwright. He still didn’t look happy about this entire situation. “Well, if you won’t let me come with you, I figured you need somebody to look after you. I’ve got some papers for him too so you won’t get any trouble.”

Kylo gave Henry another squeeze before standing up and taking everything from Luke.

“Ben… I trust you, and I know you’re capable and intelligent, and you’re doing a lot better than you used to be, but I don’t think this is a good idea. This is dangerous, _she’s_ dangerous. I just need a good reason to let you do this. Not –” Luke winced at his choice of words. “Not to _let you_ do this. But just… I need a good reason.”

Kylo stood still. “I need to be free. Of all of this. People think that because of what happened to me, they can take whatever they want from me. If it’s not this guy, it’ll be somebody else. I want to end it. For good.”

Luke nodded. “Okay. If you think this is what you need to do… then okay. I trust your judgement.”

Kylo felt touched by Luke’s trust, even though he was a lot less confident than he made it seem. He wanted to end it, but he was afraid that he wouldn’t have the courage to do what needed to be done.

The actual trip and arrival in the country were a blur. Kylo simply had too much on his mind to pay attention to his surroundings.

So here he was. Alone, in another country, phone in one hand, heart in his throat.

He typed in the phone number slowly and stared at the screen. On the other end of the line would be the only person left who had been there when he was under Hux’s thumb. Phasma had seen him when he was as low and brainwashed as he could be. He still had a healthy, residual fear of her. He didn’t want to see her. He didn’t want her thinking about him. He didn’t want to entertain the possibility that he might just lose all of the progress he’d made over the past few months in a second, backslide back to that helpless, pathetic thing he used to be.

He had to trust himself enough to know that wouldn’t happen, and his confidence in himself was always shaky at best.

He hit the call button.

The phone rang three times, and then a woman answered. It wasn’t Phasma. “Hello?” She asked brusquely.

Kylo faltered, his heart in his throat. He had spent so much time building up to this, and all of the scenarios he’d practiced for involved Phasma answering the phone.

“Hello?” The unknown woman demanded again.

“Who is this?” Kylo asked, his plan flying out the window.

A short, humorless laugh followed. “You called, buddy. Shouldn’t you know?”

Kylo froze, unsure what to do next. He hesitated so long that the woman sighed and said she was going to hang up.

“No, wait!” He said. “I… I want to talk to Phasma.”

A pause. “About?”

Kylo hesitated again. “That’s private.”

“Look, I am quickly losing patience with this conversation. If you want to talk to her, you go through me. Now what’s the deal?”

Kylo’s mind spun out. He had to completely rearrange his plan, improvise on the spot. “I… I need to meet her. Please. It’s important.”

The woman’s voice was turning suspicious. “Who is this?”

Kylo quickly flipped through the bedside table for an address book. “Just tell her that Kylo called. She’ll know who I am. Tell her… tell her to meet me tomorrow at the Christchurch Cemetery on Falstaff Road. Okay? At 2 o’clock.”

The woman didn’t sound likely to help. “Look. Kylo. Phasma doesn’t just _meet_ people off the street whenever any random person calls, okay? You have to be vetted, she has to be interested in you. It’s not going to happen.”

“Just tell her, _please_.” Kylo injected a little extra desperation into the question. If he couldn’t get past Phasma’s gatekeeper, he didn’t know what he was going to do.

There was a short pause. “Whatever.” The woman snapped and hung up the phone.

Kylo would just have to trust that she would actually pass the message along. He fell back on the bed, staring at the ceiling and trying to convince himself he hadn’t made a big mistake.

The next day, Kylo got to the cemetery early. It was a cold day, and he was nervous as hell. He killed some time walking Henry up and down the rows to get out some excess energy. Henry pulled him around eagerly, investigating each headstone like it contained essential secrets.

After Henry had been walked, Kylo sat down on a cold stone bench and waited, heart beating fast. He was glad Henry was here with him, felt just a little bit safer having some backup, even of the canine variety.

The truth was, he was nervous as hell. Despite what he’d told Luke, he was worried this might be a terrible idea. He was afraid of the residual hold that Phasma might have over him. Sure, her grip on him wasn’t nearly as deep as Hux’s, but he would be stupid to assume that she didn’t have any tricks up her sleeve. What he was counting on was that she would assume that he didn’t have any tricks up his.

Kylo was so busy looking toward the gate, he didn’t hear the footsteps behind him.

“Hey, kid.”

Kylo flinched and turned so quickly he almost fell off his seat. He stood up automatically, feeling vulnerable sitting down.

Phasma stood a few feet away with an easy smile on her face, arms crossed casually in front of her. She wore a light windbreaker as the only concession to the cold. Her platinum-blonde hair was a little longer now, curling behind her ears, but she looked as solid and formidable as ever.

Kylo swallowed heavily. He had imagined this moment so many times, but now that she was here, everything he had planned to say flew out of his mind. He had his left hand wrapped tight around Henry’s leash, like he might get some residual comfort from the dog. His right hand was in the pocket of his jacket, clutched tight around the switchblade he’d taken the time to buy. Even though this was necessary, he hadn’t been able to stomach seeing Phasma again if he was unarmed. If she tried to get any closer to him, he’d be leaving her with something to remember him by.

“I was surprised to hear from you. Shocked, in fact. I didn’t think you’d want anything to do with me. What is it? You miss me?” She grinned.

Kylo struggled to hold eye contact with her. All he could think about was her forcing him to kiss her so she could ‘see what all the fuss was about’, or of how he’d pleaded silently with her to do something when they’d been in Snoke’s bunker, how she and Hux talked right over his head like he wasn’t even there, of how helpless and vulnerable he’d felt when he was around her.

He knew what he wanted to say to her. He wanted to straighten his back and clench his jaw, snap back at her ‘ _Like a hole in the head_ ’, demonstrate to her that he was different now, stronger. But his plan depended on her seeing him as the same scared thing he’d been.

So he did what he knew best: acted defenseless and weak. He hunched his shoulders and widened his eyes, made sure his voice, when it came out, was quavering and uncertain. “I – I need your help.” He said, the words tasting like ash in his mouth. He hated this, _hated_ this, but he wasn’t stupid enough to think that Phasma would just help him if he came clean with her. She might not have been quite as bad as Hux, but she was still complicit.

Phasma watched him with sharp eyes, although her grin was still easy and unconcerned. “Oh yeah? You don’t call, you don’t write, you only show up when you need something. How do you think that’s supposed to make me feel?”

Kylo’s hand tightened on the handle of the switchblade. He bit down on the sharp words he wanted to throw her way. “Phasma, p-please.” He pleaded, making sure he sounded as lost as possible. The worst part of this was how easy it was to slip back into this mindset. He felt a little sick, but tried to ignore it.

Phasma pretended to think about it. “Oh, I don’t know… After what happened to Hux? I’m not dumb enough to believe that was an accident. Hux might have believed you were toothless, but I’m not so sure.”

Kylo forced himself burst into fake, nervous tears, hating it, hating her for making him do this, hating himself for being able to simulate weakness like this at the drop of a hat. “Phasma, _please_ , I don’t know what to do, I was just – I was just so confused, and they were telling me things about H-Hux that I didn’t _understand_ , and now he’s – now he’s – now he’s _gone_ and I don’t know what to do!”

He let his weak knees fold so he was sitting on the bench, and he had to cover his face for the last part, because he wasn’t sure he would be able to say he missed Hux with a straight face. The weight of the rings he still had around his neck made themselves known. This was the first time he’d thought about them for a while.

Henry was nosing up against Kylo’s hands and whining, concerned about the way he was acting. Kylo wished he could somehow let Henry know that he was in fact fine. After an appropriate amount of time, he stopped crying, pretending to have to fight to get his breathing under control. When he looked back up at Phasma, some of her skepticism had departed. It seemed he had managed to disarm her just a little with his display.

Despite his discomfort with this entire situation, a little thrill went through him that he had managed to manipulate her even a little. Until now, he hadn’t really considered the fact that he could weaponize his trauma, in some way use it to his advantage. Maybe he could make this work.

Phasma folded her arms and sighed. “Oh Christ, I don’t have time for this. Are you here alone?”

Kylo was positive that Phasma would have patrolled the area already, checked and double-checked and triple-checked before she allowed herself to walk into what could have been a trap, but he nodded wide-eyed as if the thought of betraying her like that would never cross his mind. “Y-yes, of course! I didn’t have anywhere to go, b-but I just thought, since you were friends with Hux, I could… maybe you would help me.”

Phasma laughed a little at his word choice. “Yeah, I don’t know about _friends_ , but…” She took a look at his trembling, wide-open face. “Okay, look, kid. Empty your pockets. Lift up your shirt.”

Kylo went cold, freezing in place. He looked sharply at her, forgetting for a moment to put on an act. He started to chart an escape route away from her if need be. “What?”

Her smile held more glee than Hux’s ever did, but it was just as cold. Kylo reminded himself he had to be very, very careful with her. “I like you, Kylo, but it’s been months. A lot can change in a few months. If you came here for some kind of half-baked revenge, I want to know about it. Hux was the sharpest guy I know, but he had a bit of a soft spot when it came to you. I tried to warn him about it, but he was always so sure of his hold on you. Now he’s dead. I don’t want to end up the same way.”

Kylo thought guiltily about the switchblade in his pocket. “I would _never_ do that to you!” He said, voice wavering, he hoped, convincingly.

“Yeah? You’re putting on a good face, but you seem to have forgotten your manners.” Phasma said slyly.

Kylo didn’t know what she was talking about for a few moments before he remembered one of the first things she ever said to him, when she’d corrected him after he addressed her. His face flushed red. He would rather get found out than backslide enough to the headspace where it felt normal to call her ma’am.

She saw his reluctance, and her smile widened. She took a decisive step forward to do it herself. Henry decided it was his time to step up to the plate. He’d been standing by Kylo’s side up to this point, fairly neutral as long as Phasma kept her distance. But, as if sensing Kylo’s anxiety, he stepped in front of Kylo and planted his front paws, lowering his head and growling at her. Kylo had spent enough time with Henry now to know when Henry was growling for show, just as a display of dominance to scare other people or dogs off. This wasn’t that. This was real aggression. Henry didn’t need to be human to understand how much of a danger Phasma posed to Kylo.

Phasma stopped immediately, looking at the dog with wary respect. “That’s a good dog you’ve got there. Smart. I always did like dogs. So loyal to their masters.”

Kylo felt an uncomfortable lurch, and his hand came up towards his throat unconsciously. He knew he was losing ground quickly, and he had better start playing along if he wanted her to believe he was still broken. He didn’t like how quickly she was able to get past his defenses.

With a soft noise, he called Henry back, reaching into his pockets and unearthing everything in there to lay on the bench. Phasma’s eyebrows raised when she saw the knife. “Cute,” She commented.

Trying to get this over with as soon as possible, Kylo lifted his shirt up and spun around slowly, to show her he wasn’t hiding anything else. He kept his eyes clamped shut. He didn’t want to see her reaction to his mangled body. He’d gotten enough of that recently.

When he was done, Phasma looked mollified. When Kylo judged it was safe to do so, he met her eyes and searched them for a clue as to her mental state. He was relieved to see that she looked relaxed, amused. She didn’t think he was a threat. She might have been doing her due diligence, but she clearly thought he was at heart unchanged. That was good. That would work to his advantage.

“Okay.” She said thoughtfully, almost like she was talking to herself. “Okay. Let’s go. I don’t want to stay in one place for too long.”

Forty-five minutes later, Kylo found himself sitting at an outdoor café across from Phasma, Henry drowsing at his feet. The dog had kept a close eye on Phasma the whole way over here, growling in the back of his throat whenever Phasma got a little too close. Phasma seemed to find the whole dog thing very amusing.

To Kylo’s surprise, she had let him keep the knife. At first, he was confused, but then the implication became clear. She didn’t think he was a threat. The fact that he probably wasn’t was irrelevant. If she was letting a man who had every reason to want to kill her walk around with a weapon meant that she really believed him. This might work after all.

Phasma ordered for him when the waiter came around. Kylo let her, trying to appear as meek as he could, keeping his eyes glued on the table, body language trying to look smaller than he was. He did what was natural to him: stayed quiet and waited for her to take the lead. A frenzied energy was beating against his chest that he tried to ignore. He hated feeling like this again, but there was nothing for it.

After their drinks arrived, Phasma leaned back. “Alright, kid. So tell me what this is all about.”

Kylo lifted his eyes at her now that he was ‘allowed’ to. “Th-there’s a man coming after me. An FBI agent. I think you know him. Arnold Billings.”

From the flash of irritation that crossed Phasma’s face, Kylo knew he was right. “Permanent pain in my ass? Yeah, I know him.”

“He came to me and wanted me to tell him things.” Kylo said.

Phasma’s eyes sharpened. “What kinds of things?”

Kylo shrugged, looked down at the table. He was good at appearing uncertain. “I don’t know… All kinds of things. About you, about Hux.”

“And what did he want with that information?” Phasma asked.

“He said…” Kylo paused, crossed his arms around his midsection defensively, knowing this was just pulling Phasma in. He tried to appear as if he was worried about her reaction, was reluctant to part with the following information. He knew this would just make him seem even more convincing.

“He said he was sick of you freezing him out, that he… that he was going to take what he knew of the operation and expose you, that what he knew would be enough to make your life very difficult. I think he wants out, that what he knows about you is like his… free pass.” Kylo finished off in a whisper.

Billings had said no such thing, of course, but Kylo had decided to take this tack with Phasma instead of telling her the truth because he didn’t want Phasma deciding to work with Billings again after all. If that happened, there was every possibility that in weeks or months, Billings would decide to come after him again, that he or someone who worked for him or someone who worked for Phasma would decide that Kylo was the perfect scapegoat, the perfect tool for whatever it was they wanted done. Kylo wanted to cut ties permanently. He meant what he’d said to Luke. He wanted to be free of this life forever.

“God _damnit_!” Phasma snapped, slamming a fist down on the table. Kylo didn’t have to fake his flinch or sudden fear. He’d gotten stronger in a lot of ways, but he still had a long way to go.

Kylo sucked in a breath like he was afraid to speak. “I didn’t want to hurt Hux, and he just wouldn’t take no for an answer, so I didn’t know what to do. You were the only person I could think of to help.”

“That fucking _slimeball_ has always had an exaggerated view of his own importance. I never thought he would go this far though…” Phasma grumbled, taking her phone out and typing out what sounded like a very long message.

Kylo waited in suspense for a few minutes before realizing that Phasma had just gone back to ignoring him while she made her own decisions. Strong irritation rose up in his chest, but he had to do his best not to show it. If he did, he would ruin the illusion he was trying to present.

What he really wanted to do was demand to know if she was going to take care of it and what she was going to do. However, old Kylo would never think to ask something like that, so he had to take another tack.

“Did I…” He hesitated. “Did I do the right thing, coming to you?”

Phasma looked up from her phone. Without warning, she ruffled his hair. Kylo nearly bit through his tongue to keep himself from not reacting. “Yeah, you did good, kid. I’m going to take care of this, but I might need something from you later.”

Kylo forced himself to nod. “Yes, of course, anything I can do.”

She watched him for a moment to judge his sincerity, and he did his best to demonstrate nothing but a wide-eyed desire to please. “Good. Now, it might take me a couple of days to put everything in place. Where are you staying?”

Kylo felt an instinctual revulsion to the idea that Phasma might decide that Kylo should stay with her in the interim so he didn’t ruin anything. That would be too close to what had come before. The unwelcome image of being chained to the foot of a bed recurred to him and Kylo had to swallow back bile.

“In a motel. I don’t… leave much. I just don’t feel very safe um, outside.” Kylo made sure to emphasize his aversion to leaving. If Phasma thought he would stay put where she left him, she would be less likely to insist on keeping an eye on him.

Phasma nodded. “Good. Stay there. I’ll call you when I need you.”

Kylo nodded and lowered his eyes down again. There was a fork on the table, and he had to fight his urge to stab it through her hand. He wouldn’t have to do this for very much longer. If he played his cards right, he would never have to do anything like this ever again. He just had to make it through the next few days.

After discussing the few details Phasma would share with him, Phasma payed, and the two of them stood up. Without warning, Phasma stepped up to him, grabbing his chin and tilting his face up to meet hers. He stiffened, age-old fear spinning in his head.

She considered him for a long, silent moment. Kylo tried not to move. “You look different.” She commented finally.

Kylo scrambled for a satisfying response, accidentally coming up with a truth. “I’ve had to learn how to live without him.” He said simply.

Phasma held him for one moment longer before nodding and letting him go.

After she was gone, Kylo held himself together long enough to get into a public bathroom before he finally let himself go, gasping and shaking full-body. Seeing Phasma had affected him more than he thought it would, just the reminder of how easily he could sink back into the kind of life he had before.

After he calmed down and the immediacy of her physical presence was gone, Kylo had enough in him to feel good about one thing. She’d fallen for his manipulations, but she’d said he looked different. This sentiment from Phasma somehow meant more than coming from anyone else. She was the most qualified person left to see him for what he was when compared with who he used to be. If she thought he’d changed, then that meant he really had.

* * *

Back at the motel, Kylo struggled with what to do with himself now. In truth, the meeting with Phasma had gone much better than he could have hoped for, although he knew it wasn’t over, that there was still plenty that could go wrong.

His mind started to turn to what he was going to do after this. If he actually managed to pull this off, he would be free, for good this time, in a way that felt different than before. If he could get Phasma and Billings off his back for good, then he could choose what he wanted to do next. His mind was his own now in a way that hadn’t always been the case, and although he knew he probably would never be completely healed, the question that Holdo had posed to him knocked around in his head. What next? He felt like his days of stasis at Leia’s house were behind him. He’d cast off most, if not all, his shackles, and the choice was his.

Kylo was no closer to a decision the next day. He hadn’t slept well, too pent up with anxiety over what was going to happen with Phasma and Billings.

One of the things he’d asked Luke for was the collected files on Hux and his business that he’d looked at so long ago on Leia’s computer. He had printouts in a folder now, and with nothing better to do, Kylo pored over them in search of some scrap of information he might be able to use over Phasma later. He knew he wasn’t completely out of the woods with her, and he would feel much safer if he had some sort of blackmail material he could use to keep himself marginally safe. He knew the likelihood of finding something like that wasn’t high, but he pored listlessly through the papers all same.

After about an hour, he hadn’t really found anything, and going through the details of Hux’s business, _again_ , made him feel a little ill. He couldn’t wait for the day when he wouldn’t have to think about any of this at all.

Kylo found himself circling over the papers about Hux’s childhood again. The thought of that boy that Hux had killed when they were both no more than teenagers was never far from his mind, if only because Kylo felt for him in a strange way despite never having met him. They were both victims of Hux, but while Kylo had eventually gotten away, that boy never had. Kylo had been so close to sharing his fate so many times, but despite it all, he’d beaten the odds.

He found himself looking at that picture of Hux and two other boys again: boyish but still cold Hux, the nervous-looking boy he’d killed and the other boy standing off to the side, whose face clearly expressed his dislike of Hux.

Connor Byrne. Still alive. Kylo wondered about him. He was one of the few people besides him who had known Hux well and lived to tell the tale. Kylo stared down at the sheet of paper that had his address and number on it. Half curious, he searched the address and found it was only two hours away. Close enough to visit.

Kylo had been half-thinking about calling the man before, but knowing he was so close only made him more curious. What did this man know about Hux, what could he tell him about knowing Hux and surviving to live another day?

His curiosity hadn’t lessened any the next day, and with no word from Phasma, Kylo decided he couldn’t stay in this stale motel room for any longer waiting for something that might not even happen.

Kylo found a train trip he could take that would drop him off a forty-minute walk from Connor Byrne’s house, and without stopping to really consider whether or not this was a good idea, Kylo and Henry set out for the countryside to see one of the last people alive who had known Hux as a young man.

The train trip itself was actually kind of nice. Kylo was a little worried about taking Henry with him, but nobody gave him any trouble. Maybe they could sense that he was hanging from a thread, and his dog was keeping him from flying off the handle. Regardless, he bought a ticket and took his seat without any trouble.

He watched the country fly by, as the world outside the window changed from dense, grey city to flat, green fields. The novelty of going places and seeing new surroundings still hadn’t gone away entirely, and Kylo dozed against the window, lulled into a temporary calm by the picturesque surroundings.

When he was dropped off, the sun had fallen behind the clouds, so he zipped his jacket up to his chin and set off down quiet streets with Henry loping beside him, seemingly happy to be getting some exercise.

He’d thought the walk would feel too long, but before he knew it, he’d arrived at his destination. A trim but slightly rundown house was set apart from the others by an unkempt garden that was more weeds than plants. The ocean wasn’t too far away, so the sharp tang of salt in the air was obvious.

A car was parked out front, and the garage was open, leaving just a hint of some kind of workshop inside. Now that he was here, Kylo froze in place. Maybe this was a bad idea. This man probably didn’t have any interest in talking to him, probably didn’t want to dredge up old, painful memories of a childhood that probably wasn’t so great.

In the end, what decided him was Henry whining and pulling him forward, clearly not understanding why they’d come so far just to stop now.

Feeling much less confident than when he’d started out, Kylo reluctantly walked up the drive, looking around cautiously to see if there was anybody here.

“Hello?” He called nervously. There was no answer.

Once he was close enough, he could see the inside of the garage had been turned into a kind of workshop. Wooden boards were piled up against one wall, and a half-built chair rested on the huge worktable that dominated the space. The whole place smelled pleasantly of wood.

He had taken a few steps inside when the sound of footsteps behind him startled him. He spun around.

A man stood there, clearly wondering why there was a stranger in his garage. He was tall, broad-shouldered, with short dark hair and strong arms.

“Uh, who the hell are you? If you have something to be fixed, or have an order to put in, you can do it at the shop like everybody else.” The man demanded, an Irish accent coloring his voice. It was the same faint accent that Kylo heard from Hux only when he was very relaxed or on the verge of sleep.

Kylo immediately felt like he shouldn’t have come, but he pushed through. “Sorry. Are you Connor Byrne?”

The man’s eyebrows knitted together, even more confused by the American accent, and he began to look suspicious. “Look, mate, I’m not one for pranks, and I don’t invite people into my house unless I know them. So either explain what you’re doing here, or leave.”

Kylo opened his mouth, at a loss for words. How did he even begin to explain what he was here for? For all he knew, this man hadn’t even thought about Hux in fifteen years.

“I’m really sorry, I know you don’t know me, I know this is weird, I just – I just wanted to talk to you. I’m… I knew… My name is Kylo or – or Ben. It was Ben. I guess it sort of still is. It’s… confusing. I… I knew Armitage Hux. I think you grew up with him.” Kylo stumbled through his explanation.

Connor’s expression changed when he mentioned his name, and when he namedropped Hux, his jaw tightened reflexively. “I know who you are.” He said, voice flat. “I keep up on the news from back home. Or rather, my family keeps me up to date against my will, somewhat. If it were up to me, I’d never think about that godforsaken place again.”

Kylo was relieved he wouldn’t have to explain his entire situation, even though the man’s closed expression was anything but receptive. “I…” His voice dried up. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to intrude, I just… I wanted to talk to somebody who… knew him.”

For a second, Kylo thought that the man would snap at him and demand that he leave immediately. He wasn’t exactly welcoming. Kylo supposed he wouldn’t be able to blame him if he did.

Connor watched him for a moment, and Kylo submitted to the by-now horribly familiar routine of being catalogued and examined by people, making assumptions about him based on what they’d heard. Finally, Connor put his hands in his pockets and made a motion with his head back toward the house. “Well, we’re not having this conversation out on the drive. Come on in. Your dog’s welcome too.”

Frankly shocked that he was willing to talk to him any further, Kylo followed. Henry trotted behind, fairly neutral, like he was withholding judgement on this stranger until further evidence could furnish itself as to his character. The fact that he didn’t immediately snarl at him like he had Phasma was fairly promising.

The inside of the house was cluttered with the debris of a million unfinished projects, organized in some fashion that only the person who created it could understand. Reflexively, Kylo’s hands itched to pick things up and tidy them. He wiped his palms on his pants to stop himself.

Connor led him into a cozy little kitchenette where he started boiling water for tea. He second-guessed himself, looking over at Kylo. “I don’t suppose Americans drink much tea, do you? Do you want something else? I’ve got coffee. Or you might want something stronger?”

Kylo thought uncomfortably about the last time he’d been drunk with a strange man, and thought he should probably stay clear-headed. “No, uh. Tea’s fine. Whatever’s fine.”

The whole time Connor was moving around the kitchen, Kylo was slow to realize something. Connor had said that he knew who Kylo was, which meant he knew what had happened to him. By this point, Kylo had gotten used to people treating him differently when they knew what had happened. Even people that meant well completely changed their behavior the second they sensed the weakness that Kylo was unfortunately sure was all over him.

However, so far, Connor hadn’t stared at him, hadn’t asked probing questions or started speaking and moving softly. Kylo found himself curiously grateful. He’d almost forgotten what it was like to be treated like a regular person.

Connor slid a mug of tea across to Kylo, but before sitting down, he dug an old box of dog biscuits out of a cupboard. “These might be a little old. I got these for my neighbor’s dog, but he moved out a year ago, so I don’t know how good these are. Is it alright if I give your dog one?”

Kylo was so taken aback by the novelty of being asked for his permission for something that he found himself just automatically agreeing before thinking. It was only when he saw Connor kneel down and hold out one of the biscuits to Henry that he tensed up. “Oh, actually, uh. He doesn’t really like most people, I don’t know if you should…”

He trailed off when Henry stepped forward, sniffed Connor’s hand inquisitively before relenting and eating the treat right out of his hand. Kylo’s mouth dropped open.

Connor laughed when he saw him. “It’s okay. Dogs like me. I’m always the sucker who feeds them people food, and they know it. They can sense it on me.”

Kylo pet Henry absently and watched Connor sit down. “Wow. I’m… Henry can be a little intense. He really only likes me. He doesn’t even like my mom and she’s always bribing him with food.”

Connor shrugged easily, took a sip of his tea before setting him down. “His name’s Henry? He’s real handsome.”

Kylo let out a small smile. “Most people think he’s scary.”

Connor waved a hand. “Nah, he’s got some scars on him, but you can tell he’s a good dog. Dogs are good judges of character. If they’re mean, they’ve got a reason to be.”

Despite the fact that he had just met him, Kylo found himself warming a little.

A silence fell, and Kylo remembered why he had come. The air in the room seemed to curdle.

“So, what is it you wanted to know? This is your rodeo.” Connor asked finally. He had a calm kind of assurance to him that Kylo longed for. Again, Kylo was surprised by him. He’d expected to have to weather a series of personal questions under the guise of curiosity.

Kylo started to fiddle nervously with the zipper on his jacket. “I guess you know… About me. About, well… About what happened to me.”

Connor nodded, maddeningly neutral. Kylo didn’t know what to make of him.

“Hux told me about your friend. Chance, right?” Kylo asked.

Old pain surfaced on Connor’s face. “He hated that name. He always went by his middle name instead, Sean. I always thought it was boring as hell, but he didn’t really like to be noticed. Just look at what happened to him when he was.”

Kylo waded through the thick silence, trying to ride the line between being too inquisitive and getting what he came here for. “Hux told me he killed your friend. He showed me where it happened.” He said uncertainly.

A murderous look crossed Connor’s face, and Kylo had to take a moment to calm his instinctive anxiety. Under Holdo’s direction, he’d been working on separating the fact that when someone was angry, it didn’t mean they were angry at _him_. This was easier said than done, and knowing something objectively didn’t mean he knew it in his chest where those feelings started.

“Yeah, well, where was that confession fifteen years ago when it mattered? It would have saved everyone a whole lot of grief. I knew he did it. Nobody else believed me, of course. Not the golden boy of town.” Connor snapped bitterly.

“Sorry.” Kylo said instinctively. He really hoped the day would come where he could stop apologizing for his very existence, but that was another work in progress.

The far-away look in Connor’s eyes faded, and he looked back at Kylo. “It’s not your fault. Armitage was always a control freak. Things either happened on his timeline or not at all.”

Kylo let out an involuntary laugh of surprise.

“What?” Connor asked.

“Nothing, it’s just… _Armitage_. I can’t remember anyone calling him that. He even… he even made me call him Hux.” Kylo said, fiddling nervously with his mug.

Connor rolled his eyes, and again, Kylo had to tell himself it wasn’t directed at him personally. “Yeah, I’m sure he did, the fucker. I’m pretty sure it was a status thing. He always did think he was better than everyone else.”

Kylo boggled at Connor a little. He’d never heard anyone talk about Hux the way this man did. He’d had to acclimate to people speaking about Hux with a fair amount of spite and hatred behind it, but it was always tinged with just a bit of awe, just a bit of respect for how dangerous he could be, what he had managed to build and achieve. Connor wasn’t like that. He spoke about Hux with contempt. Even though Kylo had come a long way, he still couldn’t imagine talking about Hux so cavalierly. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever get to that point.

Connor laughed when he saw Kylo’s expression. “I’ve had a long time to hold a grudge. I always think if a man wants my respect, he’s got to earn it.”

Kylo could appreciate the sentiment, even though he was positive it could have gotten him killed if Hux had known about it.

There was a short pause. “So what did you come here for? Surely not to hear me complain.” Connor asked.

Kylo paused in surprise. “Oh. You don’t have, uh… any questions for me?”

By now, Kylo had gotten very used to expecting other people’s needs to come first. Even beyond what Hux had done to him, what people thought would be best for his trauma was usually what ended up happening with little consultation of what he thought. Kylo had come here expecting to be interrogated to kingdom come about the details of his captivity. That was usually what people wanted to know about, in various stages of horror. Kylo didn’t like it much, had wearied of talking about it, but by now was used to it.

Connor drained the rest of his tea. “Look, I, uh… I’ve read about what happened. I know the basics. I figure if you want to talk about it, you will. If not, it’s not really any of my business.”

Kylo truly didn’t know what to say. He kept finishing his drink, his hands shaking for a reason he couldn’t explain.

There was a comfortable silence for a few moments. Connor refilled their mugs and slipped Henry another treat. Henry began to thud his tail against the floor in a relaxed rhythm from his spot at Kylo’s feet.

Kylo broke the silence. “I just wanted to know…” He trailed off for a moment. “I’ve been trying to figure out what comes next for me. And you… survived him. I guess. I just… I’m not sure I know how to do that.”

Connor considered that sentiment very seriously for a few moments. “He didn’t make it easy, that’s for sure.”

Suddenly filled with a furious energy, Connor stood up, pacing across the kitchen so that he stood looking out the window. Kylo watched him. “When I was a teenager, I was an idiot. I guess everyone is at that age, but I think I was especially dense. But even I could see what Armitage was doing to Sean… Sometimes, I thought I was the only one who was paying attention. Sean was always… a little nervous, a little too prone to doing as he was told. I tried to help him toughen up, but I was just a dumb kid, and there’s only so much you can do, you know? But when Sean started losing weight, showing up to school late or not at all, canceling on everything… I would have had to have been an idiot not to notice.”

“I always thought Armitage was a bit of a prick. I think he learned it from his father, but that’s not really an excuse, is it? Once you reach a certain age, you have to start taking responsibility for your actions. Armitage always thought he was a superior life form, and he always let you know about it. I tried to confront him once, tried to get him to leave Sean alone. He said all the right things, acted apologetic, convinced me to back off. He was good at that. Of course, I was driving Sean to the hospital a week later for a broken arm. He wouldn’t tell me what happened, but I knew. I _knew_.”

Connor didn’t speak for a long moment. Kylo thought he should apologize or something, and was running through the right thing to say when Connor kept going.

“After Sean died… Nobody believed me. Armitage had everyone wrapped around his finger, nobody thought he would ever do something so awful. The only thing I had left was to confront Armitage. He made sure I never did that again.”

“What happened?” Kylo asked softly.

Connor turned around and considered Kylo carefully for a moment. “He made me back off. He gave me a little something to remember him by.”

Before Kylo could respond, Connor lifted the bottom of his shirt to expose his stomach. An old scar made a jagged line across his stomach. It had clearly been done by an inexpert hand and healed badly. Connor watched his reaction. “I think the only reason he didn’t kill me was that it would have been too suspicious. He certainly made his point. I left him alone after that.”

Kylo was at a loss for words. He knew the normal reaction would be to apologize in some way. That’s what most people would do. It somehow felt like an inadequate response. The other thing to do would be to open up in response. Kylo had had more than enough of sharing pieces of himself, and didn’t want to start now.

“He died on the same hill your friend did. I let him fall.” Kylo admitted, for the first time able to say thing with only a minimum of guilt.

Connor nodded, taking that in. “Good.” His voice held about a million things left unsaid.

They sat in a companionable silence. Kylo was relieved this man wasn’t expecting him to reciprocate, had in fact offered up pieces of himself with no expectation of Kylo following suit. This feeling was so unexpected Kylo didn’t know how to react.

Henry eventually decided for them. He woke up from his doze, stretched and whined, looking towards the door.

Kylo stood up. “Well, I should go. I’m sorry for bothering you.”

Connor led the way to the door. “It’s alright. If I go too long without cursing his existence, I get jittery.” He smiled to let Kylo know this was a joke.

Kylo was descending the uneven steps when he tripped, almost tumbling to the ground and scraping his knees. Connor caught him automatically, his grip tight around his elbow.

Instinctively, Kylo stiffened, backing up from him, one hand going for his knife, survival mode engaging without consulting the rest of him.

Connor let go immediately once Kylo was steady on his feet, backing up with a calming gesture. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to fall.”

Kylo took a few seconds to calm down, physically forcing himself to relax. Henry waited patiently at his feet. The fact that Henry wasn’t acting aggressively helped to calm him down. Kylo had come to depend on Henry’s instincts when it came to judging strangers. His dog hadn’t steered him wrong yet.

The sky was already starting to darken a little, and Kylo had a long walk back to the train station. He knew he had to get going. “I should go… Um. Thank you. For talking to me.”

Connor nodded. “No problem.”

“I kind of thought you would kick me off your property when you found out who I was. I was a little worried you would… I don’t know, hate me because I lived with him.” Kylo said.

Connor looked at him with an impenetrable expression. “Out of all people, I know how good he is at drawing people in. I’m not going to blame you for that.”

Kylo couldn’t explain why this sentiment meant more coming from an almost stranger than it did from his own family. Maybe because this man had known Hux so personally, had been marked him, if not exactly the same as Kylo, then at least as permanently.

“Well. Nice to meet you.” Kylo said awkwardly.

Connor smiled and nodded. He paused then, looking like he was mulling over what to say next. “Sure. Look, if you’re around for a while… I’m always available to badmouth the bastard. I never had anyone to talk to about this stuff so. I’m available. Plus, I have a woodworking shop. I can always use someone handy around. I don’t know what your plans are, but. Door’s open. Help wanted.”

Kylo absolutely didn’t know how to respond to that. He muttered something, took his leave, and walked back down the lane toward town.

The whole way, with Henry dragging him forward to smell every clod of dirt along the way, Kylo wondered over the unexpected feeling of talking to a new person and not coming away from it feeling worthless and awkward. Despite everything coming in the next few days with Phasma and Billings, Kylo couldn’t help but walk a little lighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd say Kylo has earned the right to be a little manipulative :) Hope you enjoyed the long chapter! Okay, so it is officially official. There are two more chapters to this bad boy. We're almost at the end.


	15. Chapter 15

Kylo’s short-lived sense of calm lasted until that evening when he was walking back from the train station to his motel. He was digging in his pocket for his keycard when a voice came from behind him, startling him.

“Taking a walk?” It was Phasma. She sounded irritated.

Kylo jumped and turned around. Phasma had been waiting around the corner so that he didn’t see her when he walked up. She had her arms crossed and an expression on her face that immediately reached into him and activated his fear response.

Kylo swallowed reflexively and got behind Henry.

“Yeah. F-for Henry,” Kylo said, indicating his dog.

Phasma kept staring at him with a cool expression. “You told me you were going to stay inside the motel and wait for my call.”

Kylo found himself torn between two instincts. On the one hand, he wanted to defend himself, while on the other hand, he knew he had to maintain his cover, at least for the next few hours or days. He told himself it was only for a little longer. He just had to pull this off, and then he would never have to do this ever again.

“I’m sorry, I just…” Kylo wracked his brain for an acceptable excuse. “I was waiting for you to call, and I didn’t hear anything, and I just got so _nervous_ that I couldn’t… I’m not good alone.” He said, injecting just the right amount of desperate into his voice to convince her.

Phasma looked at him flatly for a few moments, probably making up her mind. She grunted and reached out an arm to grab his elbow. Henry started growling at her, and she stopped.

“Come on, kid. You’re coming with me. I don’t want you out of my sight anymore.” Phasma said with a frown at Henry.

Kylo didn’t have to fake the way he nervously swallowed. “Wh-where are we going?” He asked.

Phasma raised an eyebrow. “I really don’t think that’s any of your business, now is it?”

Kylo bit back something very unwise and nodded, settling for imagining himself stabbing her in the thigh with an ice pick. He had to look at the ground lest she see that on his face. He was treading on very thin ice here.

When Phasma was reasonably convinced that he would capitulate, she spoke. “Alright. Let’s go.”

When Kylo started to follow her, she put up a hand. “Uh, I don’t think so. That dog of yours is not coming along.”

Kylo glanced down at Henry, his heart rate spiking. “What? Why?”

Phasma didn’t move. “Because. He’s not.”

Kylo kept his eyes trained on the floor to give himself time to think. His mind raced. This was clearly testing the limits of what he was willing to do to fake being docile. He wasn’t willing to put Henry in danger for any reason. He’d lived through that once with Clarence, and although it had been a long time, he still didn’t think his heart could take it.

“How long will we be gone?” He asked finally, daring to look up at her.

Phasma looked surprised that he was going even this far to question her. “Excuse me?”

“I’m not going to abandon him to starve,” Kylo said quietly, against his will thinking of the time that Hux had left him in the basement alone for days. “For his sake, I need to know.”

For a moment, Kylo thought the jig was up. He had pushed too far, he had blown his cover, and now he would have to pay the price. Phasma watched him, taken aback. Even this much assertiveness by the old Kylo would have been unthinkable.

“For the night,” Phasma said finally. “Leave him some food, he’ll be fine.”

Kylo did, slipping back into the motel room to fill a few containers with food and water for Henry. Henry watched Kylo do all this with what was as close to worry as a dog could get. Phasma followed him into the room, evidently not trusting him enough to leave him alone. That was bad, but hopefully Phasma would accept his worry over Henry to be an acceptable excuse. Kylo propped open a window in the back wide enough for Henry to get in and out if he needed. The motel management wouldn’t like it, but Kylo was positive Henry could handle himself. He was a smart dog.

After he’d prepared the place for Henry, Kylo turned around, arms crossed in front of him defensively. The thought of leaving Henry behind had his anxiety spiking through the roof. “Okay,” he said.

Phasma led Kylo out of the room. Henry tried to follow, whining plaintively when Kylo tried to shut the door without him. Tears rose to Kylo’s eyes and he had to quickly blink them away. He knelt down.

“It’s okay, Henry. I’ll be back in the morning. I promise.” He said quietly, scratching Henry’s grizzled ears.

Henry growled once and then barked, as if to say _You better._ His tail did not wag.

Kylo left the room, his stomach sinking. He started walking in one direction, assuming that was where Phasma’s car was, but she grabbed his elbow and steered him another way. Kylo fought against the revulsion that crawled over his skin. He had his knife hidden in one of his boots, but he promised himself he wouldn’t use it unless he had to.

Phasma deposited Kylo in the passenger seat of her car and then pulled out of the lot and into general traffic. Kylo looked sideways at her and tried to judge her mood. She seemed not as cheerful as she normally was, probably stressed out about the Billings situation. That wasn’t good. Kylo knew how to deal with a relaxed Phasma, but he didn’t have as much experience with a stressed one. Even when they had been on the run from the police, Phasma had been sure of her skills. He supposed this was new territory for the both of them.

Phasma eventually drove into a more rundown area of town and pulled into the drive of a used car lot. There was barbed wire on the fence surrounding the place, and several rusted-out cars littered the lot. Kylo followed Phasma inside to find a small building with three rooms. A short woman with full-sleeve tattoos was warming something up in the microwave. She looked over and nodded when they came in.

Kylo blinked and wracked his memory for a moment, knowing that he had seen her before, but not remembering where. After a second, he remembered. She had been the bouncer at that party in Berlin Hux had made him go to. Kylo was surprised to see her again.

“You the guy on the phone? The name’s Lena.” She said, nodding at him. It didn’t seem like she remembered him.

Kylo nodded back, and mumbled something approximating a greeting.

Phasma ushered Kylo over to sit at a small, uneven table covered in flypaper. She leaned against the wall and addressed both of them.

“Okay, look. Here’s the deal. I called Billings, told him I wanted to talk. He thinks I want to partner up, so he’s on his way here. Actually, he was already on his way. I need you here as my backup, of course. Don’t think I’ll need too much help with someone like him, but hey, you can never be too careful.” Phasma said most of this to Lena, who was shoveling microwaved noodles into her mouth by the forkful. She nodded seriously.

Phasma turned to Kylo. “And _you_ I want around just so I can keep an eye on you. I don’t know that I trust you out of my sight.”

Kylo blinked and tried to appear as innocent and harmless as he could.

However, instead of turning her attention away from him, Phasma continued to look at him like she was trying to figure something out. Kylo shifted uncomfortably and focused on not looking at the exits.

“Actually,” Phasma said, casual as anything, “When I talked to him, Billings told me something very interesting about you.”

Kylo very carefully tried not to react. “What?”

“He told me that you took him hostage and killed his partner. Stabbed him half a dozen times.”

Kylo’s throat went dry. He didn’t move, just looked right at Phasma.

Phasma searched his face for a reaction, and when nothing came, she kept going. “Now, he doesn’t know you like I do, so I told him of course that was impossible. You’re just too sweet, you don’t have a mean bone in your body. He must have been mistaken. But he sure didn’t sound like he was lying to me.”

He never should have come here, not without Henry, not without some kind of backup, not without a better weapon than a switchblade in his pocket. Even on his best day, Phasma wouldn’t have any trouble at all taking him down.

Phasma drummed a finger on the table. “So? What about it?”

Kylo swallowed nervously. “He’s lying,” he croaked, wracking his brain for any kind of plausible excuse he could give, any way he could push this back on Billings.

Phasma didn’t look amenable to any alternate explanations. “Yeah? Come on, kid, you can do better than that.”

From the corner of his eye, Kylo saw the other woman coming up on his blind side, and he rocketed into survival mode. His willingness to play along and act docile ended the second either one of them tried to lay a hand on him. He had had enough of that to last a lifetime.

So, knowing this would break his cover but not especially caring in the moment, Kylo leapt to his feet, catching both of them off guard. Putting what Luke had taught him to good use, he swung around with his elbow and caught Lena in the nose, hard. She stumbled and fell to the ground with a cry. The only reason that had worked was because he had the element of the surprise. He had no illusions that he would be able to take her in a fair fight.

Phasma was jumping to her feet as well, just a second too late, so Kylo thrust his hand into his boot and pulled out the knife, backing up from her as quickly as he could. When Phasma tried to grab his arm again, he slashed out, drawing a line of blood down her bicep.

“Stay away from me!” He shouted, breathing hard.

Phasma stopped, a bright gleam in her eyes. She didn’t seem that put out about the blood dripping down her arm. “So he wasn’t lying. You learned to bite while you’ve been away.”

Kylo felt fury rise up in his chest, and this time he let it. “No, he wasn’t lying. I killed him. He had it coming.”

Phasma was obviously surprised by Kylo’s reaction, more than he thought was possible, but after a moment’s thought, he supposed it made sense. She’d never seen him like this, after all. She hadn’t met him until after he was well under Hux’s thumb. “I wouldn’t have thought that of you.”

Kylo took a great, shuddering breath. “You said it yourself. I’ve changed.”

There was a pause. Lena was still sitting on the ground, nursing her injured nose.

“Well. This changes things. I don’t like it when people lie to me.” Phasma said, voice cold. Once upon a time, this would have been enough to instantly cow him, have him begging for forgiveness. But, well, his cover was already blown.

“This doesn’t change anything.” Kylo said, voice a lot more confident than he felt. He had the knife held out in a defensive position, and his hands were shaking more than he’d like, but he couldn’t let that stop him. “In fact, you should be thanking me. I’ve done you a huge favor.”

Phasma blinked. “ _Excuse_ me?”

“You need a way to get him off your back. Who’s to say he wasn’t the one who killed his partner when he found out Billings was dirty? It’s his word against mine, and who would believe a dirty FBI agent over a traumatized victim?” Kylo said, a bitter twist to his words.

Phasma’s moment of shock at his completely changed demeanor disappeared fairly quickly. There was a reason she was good at her job. “That’s not the worst plan I’ve ever heard. I’m no stranger to coercing confessions from people. But. It would be much easier to kill him. Less muss. Less fuss.”

Kylo shook his head. “No, no, I need you to do this. If you kill him, they might still think I did it. I need him to confess to killing his partner, and I need him out of the way so he doesn’t do anything to my family. He threatened them too.”

Phasma laughed. “Wow, you’re pushy now, hmm? And what makes you think you can just tell me what to do? I don’t take orders from anyone, especially not from people like you.”

Kylo tried to ignore the way his heart was beating so fast he could feel it in his throat. This was it, now or never. He just kept telling himself that over and over again. This was the last time. Absolutely the last time.

“Because you owe me,” he said, unable to stop the slight tremble in his voice.

Phasma laughed, the cruel sound sharp and cutting. Once, that would have been enough to send Kylo cowering. “I owe you, huh?”

The anger rose up in him again, gave him the courage to say what needed to be said. “Yeah, Phasma, you fucking owe me!” He spat. “Your memory might be selective enough that you can forget how you treated me, but I can’t forget.”

Phasma was taken aback by his vitriol. She evidently didn’t know how to handle this new, aggressive Kylo. “Hux was the one who –”

Kylo interrupted her, a snarl on his face. “Yeah, Hux was the one who broke me, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t take advantage. You had no problem treating me like a subhuman punching bag. You had no problem forcing me to kiss you! You had no problem standing by while Snoke tried to – to fuck me!”

There were spots of color on Phasma’s cheeks. “I didn’t know he-”

“Bull _shit_ you didn’t know!” Kylo shouted. “You knew what he was like, and you brought me there anyway, you left me with him when I was helpless, when I couldn’t do a goddamn thing to protect myself, you had _no problem_ just sitting by when he –”

“I called Hux right away. I didn’t just leave you there.” Phasma shot back in defense.

Kylo’s face screwed up in anger. “Oh, gee, _thanks_! Thanks so much! Well, I’m done doing things for you, Phasma. It’s time for you to do something for me.”

A long silence. Kylo was sure that if anyone else had talked to Phasma like that, they would end up dead on the spot, but he was long past caring.

“You’ve got some balls talking to me like that, Kylo.” Phasma said, voice neutral. She’d called him by his name for once. She hardly ever did that.

Kylo was silent. He was panting from a leftover of emotion. He’d laid all his cards on the table. All that was left was to wait and see how she would take it.

“I don’t make it a habit of apologizing to people. Not my style.” She said, still with her poker face.

“I know,” Kylo said.

She sighed, and when she spoke again, Kylo was shocked to hear what was almost grudging respect in her voice. “Let’s say I do this for you. Billings won’t be a problem for either of us anymore, and your family will be safe. Would you say that makes us square?”

_Not even close_ , Kylo thought but didn’t say. It would take so much more to make them even, and he just didn’t have that much spite in him. He would settle for never having to see her again. All of a sudden, he was exhausted. He just wanted this to be over with.

Instead, he nodded.

“Alright. I can do that, but it won’t be as easy as that. I can get the heat off of you, but that’s going to take some time. You can’t go home for a while, not until the attention drops off of you.”

Kylo nodded slowly, the idea not nearly as distressing to him as he imagined it would be to his family. “Okay. If it means I’m done.”

Phasma nodded once, and then turned to her phone. “Alright. Billings will be here in a few hours. I suggest you get a little rest.”

Kylo blinked in shock. “Wait. That’s it? I don’t need to… I don’t know… Do something for you?”

Phasma looked up at him, as apparently unaffected as always. “I was already going to kill him. This isn’t that much of a pivot. Besides, I’ve always liked you, kid. You’re tougher than you look.”

Kylo grimaced and looked down at his hands. He wasn’t dumb enough to think it was that simple. There was probably another shoe that would drop before too long, but he did believe that she would take care of Billings. He just had to wait it out and see what she was holding back.

Phasma was self-interested to a fault. There wasn’t an ounce of him that thought she was doing this out of the goodness of her heart or of any sense of remorse.

“Put that knife down. You can’t stand like that all night.” Phasma said, not paying attention to him again.

After a moment, Kylo did, although he didn’t quite put it away. He wasn’t that comfortable.

After it was clear Phasma had a handle on the situation, the other woman had disappeared into the other room to clean her face. Kylo was pretty sure he hadn’t broken her nose, but there had been blood, and it was probably swollen.

Kylo stood against the wall in silence for a while, fighting with his instinct to run. That had gone so much better than he thought it would when the violence broke out. He assumed that he was done for the second he touched the knife. Instead, Phasma had agreed to his plan without hurting him. It didn’t make sense.

Eventually, he had to concede that Phasma was right and he couldn’t stand here all night. He grabbed a chair and put it against the wall so that nobody would be able to sneak up on him. He sat down and waited nervously.

After a certain point, Phasma went into another room, maybe to sleep, and Lena, the other woman, came back from the bathroom. Her nose was indeed swollen, and she gave him a nasty look before going to the tiny freezer and getting some ice to put on it.

Kylo watched her silently, ready to bolt the second she made a move toward him. From the look she’d given him, she was obviously not happy about her nose, but she didn’t seem outright murderous or anything. In fact, she hadn’t retaliated at all after he’d attacked. Instead of reassuring him, all that served to do was unsettle him even more.

He told himself he wasn’t going to fall asleep, but it was inevitable, and he found himself being kicked awake sometime in the morning. Kylo jerked groggily and he leapt to his feet before his brain could catch up to him and remind him where he was.

“He’s here.” Phasma said unsmilingly.

Kylo rubbed his eyes and slowed down his breathing from his position against the wall. He nodded. “Okay.”

“You going to participate? You got some more aggression to work out?” Phasma asked, a slight smile crossing her face.

Kylo rubbed his face and glanced up at Phasma before shaking his head. He didn’t know what Phasma had planned to convince Billings to confess, but he didn’t want any part of it.

Phasma shrugged. “Alright. Suit yourself then.”

A car pulled up outside, and Kylo hid himself in the bathroom. He didn’t really want to talk to Billings. He’d said all he’d wanted to say last time, and if Phasma wasn’t going to make him participate, he would rather just stay out of it. He’d had his fill of torture.

The door opened and muffled voices rose in conversation. The closed door made it a little difficult to hear what they were saying, but he caught Billings’ brisk, irritated voice. It seemed the scare Kylo had put into him hadn’t lasted very long. If Kylo had to guess, Phasma’s would last longer.

After a fair bit of discussion, the group moved to one of the back rooms, and their voices became all but indistinguishable. Kylo waited, unsure how long this was going to take.

When he started hearing raised voices, his stomach roiled a little bit. A while later, there was a huge crash like something falling over and what sounded like a scuffle.

Kylo decided to take a walk. He didn’t want to hear any of this. He was so sick and tired of violence. For a brief moment, he thought he would have to ask Phasma’s permission to leave. He actually took a step toward the back room before snapping out of it and realizing that he didn’t have to. He could just leave. Even now, that simple realization felt good.

Kylo took an hour-long walk around the immediate area. It was a rundown industrial area with plenty of boarded-up shops and cars on cinder blocks. He wished Henry was with him.

Eventually, he knew it was time to go back. When he got back, he saw that Billings’ car was gone. He walked back inside, bracing himself for something horrible. The place was quiet aside for some movement from the back room.

Kylo followed it to find Phasma alone, picking up some chairs from where they’d fallen over on the ground. There was blood on the ground. He fought against his revulsion.

Phasma looked up at him. “Me and Billings worked everything out. Lena’s taken him. You won’t need to worry about him anymore.”

“He confessed?” Kylo said, a little surprised. Then again, he shouldn’t have really been shocked that Phasma could pull it off.

Phasma nodded. Her shirt sleeves were rolled up and she had a little blood on the side of her face. She looked relaxed, like the act of interrogation was a pleasant way to start the day. For her, it probably was. “He is not your problem any longer. I made it clear to him how things worked around here. He gets the picture. He’s going back home, and he’ll make sure nobody comes after you for his partner. I’ve got the confession. If he ever tries anything like this again, if he tries to interfere with you or me, I’ve got a nice little piece of blackmail material to make his life difficult. Mutually assured destruction.”

Kylo blinked. “Wait. That’s it?” This had been far too easy. He was so used to having to fight and claw for every little bit of ground that he didn’t know how to deal with something going his way for once.

Phasma grinned and leaned against the wall. “That’s it. You won’t be able to go back home for at least a couple months, just to be safe, but yes. Problem solved. You’re welcome.”

“He was your problem, too.” Kylo said petulantly.

“I know. That’s the only reason I agreed to deal with him. Not really one for humanitarian causes.” Phasma said.

Kylo kept waiting for her to pull the rug out from under his feet, to reveal the full extent of her plan, but she was maddeningly remote.

“O – Okay, then. So, we’re done, then.” Kylo said slowly, searching her face for a reaction.

Phasma shrugged. “As long as I can be reasonably sure I’m not going to wake up one morning with a knife to my throat. You still want to kill me?”

A hard lump grew in Kylo’s throat. “I’m not going to forgive you for what you did, if that’s what you’re asking. But I just… I just want to be done. I just want to never see you again. I know that if I did try anything, you’d put me down before I got anywhere close to you. So this is going to have to be good enough.”

Phasma raised her eyebrows. “Smart boy.”

They stared at each other for another few seconds, and then Kylo nodded once, curtly. “Right. Well. Bye.”

“I don’t get a thank you?” Phasma said with a false sweetness.

Kylo scowled. She laughed.

When Kylo turned to go, she called after him. “Oh, there’s just one more thing.”

Kylo stopped in his tracks, his stomach sinking. He had known this was going to happen. He just thought it would have come sooner. He turned back to her, stiff. “What?”

“You surprised me yesterday. When Billings told me about the state he’d found his partner in, I couldn’t believe it. Genuinely. I was sure you’d changed in the past couple months, but I didn’t know how much.” She said.

Kylo looked at her, lips pressed thin. He didn’t answer, just waited to hear what she wanted.

Phasma was looking at him with that same kind of condescending amusement she always did, like he could be useful, but she wasn’t entirely sure how yet.

“You’ve got spirit, and probably more than a little aggression to work out, am I right?” She asked.

Kylo frowned. “What’s your point?”

Phasma said the words Kylo had been dreading to hear. “I think you could be useful to me. I already know you’re smart. You’re good at following orders. You showed me you can handle yourself earlier. Your form isn’t bad. You been training?”

Kylo nodded once, still not trusting himself to speak.

“I’d be willing to show you even more. Get those gangly limbs of yours to work in your favor. I’m not a bad teacher.” Phasma said, grinning.

Kylo felt a little faint. He took a moment before he spoke. “You want me to… work for you?”

“You can’t go home for a few months. What else are you going to do? I think by the time the heat has died down, I might even be able to convince you to stick with me long term. I’d be willing to go out on a limb and guess that you don’t have too much going on for you back at home. Am I right? No prospects? If I’m not, I’ll eat my words.”

Kylo nodded slowly, too slow to come up with a retort.

Phasma smiled. It wasn’t necessarily a warm one. “I get it. You miss him, don’t you? Don’t know what to do with yourself now?”

Kylo couldn’t exactly argue with her, although she still didn’t know the full story.

“Well, I’ve got plenty I can use you for. What do you say?” Phasma said, with a look on her face like she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would say yes.

And for a moment, Kylo thought about it. In a way, she was right. He’d been struggling over the question of what he was going to do with his life for weeks. Months, really. He wasn’t at his lowest point anymore where he thought he was useless without Hux, but he was directionless. Moreover, the news that he couldn’t go home for a while wasn’t quite as bad as he’d thought it would be. His family’s endless concern for him was well-placed and he was grateful, but he couldn’t help the claustrophobic feeling that crawled over him sometimes at the thought that he would always be around people who looked at him and saw something wrong.

The part of himself that so badly needed outside validation and direction that had been implanted by Hux was not so easily excised. He wasn’t sure it ever would be, and he knew Phasma was telling the truth. She would give him something to do. She would use him for her own ends, but he was used to that kind of treatment, and at the end of the day, he wasn’t sure that that would be so terrible.

However, a bigger part of himself rose up in dismay against the thought of being someone’s accessory yet again, only kept around to follow orders, mindless and compliant. No matter how easy it might be, how seductive the idea of not having to do the hard work of coming up with his own ideas or taking care of himself might be, he had just come too far to slip back to where he used to be.

He’d fought for months and months to become his own person again, to be able to leave the house on his own, to disagree with people again without being afraid of being punished for it, to recognizing the various ways Hux had taken advantage of him, to having the physical and emotional ability to fight back and defend himself, to begin the slow process of disentangling himself from all the tight threads Hux had tied around him.

Kylo had worked at this for too long to just give up now, made too much progress to just bend over backwards for the next person walking by who offered to hold a leash. It might be harder to go it alone, it might be nearly impossible, but anything was better than being owned again.

Kylo straightened up a little, squared his shoulders. “No,” he said simply.

Phasma blinked in surprise. “No?”

“No. I meant what I said before. I never want to see you again. I never want to think about you again. I want to be free of this life.” He said, as he spoke knowing it to be the truth.

Phasma recovered quickly. “Don’t be ridiculous. What are you going to do?”

Kylo shrugged. “I don’t know yet. But whatever it is, it’ll be far away from people like you and Hux.”

Kylo knew that there was nothing Phasma could say after that would convince him otherwise, so he headed for the door. Phasma stepped forward quickly, boxing him in against the wall. Kylo felt the instinctive burst of fear, but pushed it down with a force of will that would have been all but impossible a few months ago.

Phasma’s voice was low, threatening. “You might think you’re different now, kid, but don’t forget. I know you. I know what you were like when you belonged to Hux, and let me tell you… Deep down, you’re not any different now.”

Kylo’s throat was dry, but he forced himself to look her in the eyes. “You might be able to make me stay for a little while. I’m sure you can make me do whatever you want for a long time, but not forever. You’ll make a mistake, you’ll slip up one day, and I’ll be there when you do. I’m not very smart, or strong, or even strong-willed. But I’m a good opportunist.”

The flicker of uncertainty in Phasma’s eyes was worth more than any words of encouragement he’d gotten from Holdo or from his family.

When Kylo tried to leave a second time, Phasma reached out and wrapped a tight hand around his wrist. “I can make you stay.” She threatened in a tone of voice that would make most people buckle their knees and give in immediately.

Kylo kept looking her right in the eyes. He knew if he looked away, even for a second, he’d lose his nerve. “You knew Hux pretty well, right? You knew how sadistic he could be, you knew how good he was at getting into people’s heads. He was smart, he was ruthless, he built an empire from the ground up and barely ever made a mistake. You probably know better than I do how many people have tried to kill him across the years. I lived with him for two years, and he did just about everything he could think of to turn me inside out, and he succeeded. But you know what I did? I killed him. So if you think you can do better than him, go ahead. Try something.” He sneered.

Phasma blinked, speechless. He saw the flicker of respect cross her face. People just didn’t talk to her like that, not ever.

She let go of him, stepped back.

Kylo’s legs felt like water, but he didn’t let on. He crossed to the door, opened it, walked out into the lot. He’d made it halfway across the parking lot before he heard her call out to him. He turned his head.

“Hey, Kylo? Have a good life.”

Kylo turned around without a word and kept walking. She didn’t come after him.

Kylo walked. He walked and walked until he was in an entirely different part of town. It took him the entirety of the walk to identify what exact combination of emotions he was feeling.

It was bone-deep relief. It was the shaky post-adrenaline feeling he was so used to. It was simple satisfaction. He’d won. He’d gotten the last word in. He was free.

Kylo stopped at a street corner, closed his eyes and tilted his head up to the sun. It was weak, cold sunlight, but it was there.

He took a deep breath. Held it. Let it back out. Kept walking.

* * *

That night, after making his way back to the motel and thoroughly making his absence up to Henry, he made two phone calls.

The first was the long-overdue call to Leia, the conversation he’d been dreading for a while.

Leia answered on the second ring. “Hello?” She sounded rundown, tired, worried. Kylo’s stomach twisted in guilt.

“Hey, Mom.”

“Ben! Oh, Jesus, I’ve been so worried! I just about killed your uncle when I found out what he did. How he could have been so boneheaded, so _stupid_ to let you leave without telling me, to let you go without backup, I have no idea. Are you okay? Where are you? I’ll come get you right away, just tell me where you are. I knew that bastard from the FBI was bad news, but you were so adamant that you wanted to handle it on your own, I wanted to respect your wishes. We’ve been talking, and we have a few ideas of what to do to deal with him. It’s going to take a lot of planning and hard work, but the important thing is that you don’t have to worry about anything. I’ll take care of everything. I’ll keep you safe.”

“Mom!” Kylo said, with difficulty breaking through her worried barrage of words. “Mom, it’s okay! I’m okay.”

“You’re okay?” Leia let out a shaky breath, and a cut-off sound that might have been a stifled sob. Kylo’s guilt went into overdrive.

“Yes, I’m fine. Really. I’m safe. I promise.” Henry lay on his lap during this call to provide emotional support. He pet the dog with one hand absently.

“Honey, I just thought…” Her voice broke off again. “God, I thought you’d been taken away from me again. I was so scared. I couldn’t do that again. I couldn’t lose my son _again_.”

Kylo wiped a few tears from his own eyes. “Mom, I’m really sorry I couldn’t tell you what was going on, but I knew you’d want to help, and I just… I needed to deal with this on my own. It was important.”

“Deal with what? Luke couldn’t tell me much, I still don’t really know what’s going _on_.”

“You don’t have to worry about Billings anymore. I took care of it.” Kylo took the time to explain everything that had happened. From Leia’s horrified reaction, he knew he’d made the right decision not telling her beforehand. There was no way she would have let him do any of what he did.

“Ben, what you did… That was so _dangerous_. It could have gone wrong so easily. I wish you would have let me help.” Leia said when he was done.

“I know, but…” Kylo took a moment to articulate what he was thinking. “Mom, I needed to do it myself. I needed to, I don’t know… prove to myself that I could take care of things like this myself. I don’t want to just let people make decisions for me anymore. I won’t do it.”

“Oh, honey… I’m furious, and relieved, and, God, I could just kill you.” Leia lapsed into silence.

“I know,” Kylo said sadly, still smiling a little bit. He could tell from her tone of voice that despite all her motherly concern she was proud, and that meant a lot to him.

“I don’t like that you can’t come home for a few months, though. I’m sure we can work something out. I’ll get Luke on it right away.” She said.

“No, that’s okay. I think I need… I don’t know… I need some time alone. I think. I need to get my head on right. I need some space to breathe. Once I’ve… figured myself out, once I’m ready to come home, I will. I promise.” Kylo said.

There was a long pause. “Okay,” Leia said finally, not sounding happy about it. Kylo knew that her conceding defeat like that was a huge win on his part.

“Thank you, Mom.”

“I love you a lot, Ben. I love you more than anything. I hope you know that.”

“I do, Mom. I didn’t for a long time, but… I know that now.”

“And I know that you can take care of yourself, I have a lot of faith in you, but that’s not going to stop me from worrying about you.”

“I know.”

After a few more rounds of promises to call often and keep her abreast of what he was doing, Kylo finally hung up the phone.

Before he lost his nerve, he called the second number.

“Yeah?” The gruff voice of Connor answered the phone on the eighth ring.

“Um. Connor? Hi, it’s uh, Kylo.” He said, all his anxiety coming back in full force.

“Oh, hi. Didn’t expect to hear from you again.” Connor said, sounding surprised.

“I know, um. Listen. Were you serious about needing help at your shop? Woodworking, right? I can run the register, or, uh, clean. I can be useful. It turns out I’ll be here for a few months, at least, so I, um, need somewhere to go.” Kylo rambled.

There was just the slightest pause where Kylo panicked and thought he’d made a huge mistake, overstepped back into this man’s life who clearly didn’t want anything to do with him. “Yeah, of course. I didn’t think you’d actually take me up on it.” Connor said, sounding so calm about it.

Kylo looked down at his lap. “I just… I think it’d be nice to work with my hands. I need a job where I don’t have to think a whole lot.”

“Well, if you’re a quick study, I can offer you a job. To be honest, we’re a little short staffed over here ever since Becca left on maternity leave, so this actually works out perfectly. There’s plenty of work to be done around here if you’re willing to pull your weight.” Connor said easily.

“Yes,” Kylo said, trying not to sound too eager. “I’m a hard worker, I promise.”

“I’m sure. Well, let me know when you’re in town, and I can get you set up. Okay?”

“Okay. Thank you. A lot. You don’t know… You don’t know how much this means to me.” Kylo said, an emotion he was unused to feeling rising in his chest. It was just simple, uncomplicated happiness. It would fade in a few minutes, but for now he treasured it.

“It’s no problem. Goodnight, Kylo.” Connor said.

“Goodnight.”

Kylo hung up and fell back on the bed, allowing Henry to lick his face a few times before pushing him away. He was tired, he was sure he would be waking up in a few hours from one of his daily nightmares, he was sure that his anxieties and problems would make themselves known in a few minutes, but he let himself relish this one moment of being free, of having a prospect to look forward to, being alone and encumbered, not beholden to anyone.

He fell asleep like that, phone in one hand, Henry lying on the other, satisfied and lit up by the knowledge that he’d taken care of himself for the first time in forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's come down to this. This fucking monster of a fic is FINALLY coming to an end in the next chapter! I'm going to do my best to update by this weekend. Apologies if I don't manage it by then. As always, thank you so much for sticking with me and reading. I really appreciate it.


	16. Chapter 16

Carpentry wasn’t as easy as Kylo initially thought it would be. He had been worried he wouldn’t be good at it because he didn’t have a lot of upper-body strength, but that wasn’t the case at all. It was really a lot of small, repetitive motions done over and over again, making imperceptible alterations to the wood that eventually added up to a finished product.

First was the easiest part: sawing the blocks of wood into rough, easy-to-work-with pieces, piling them up in a corner to work with later. Cutting the big pieces into smaller pieces, then carving, always making sure not to cut off too much, then you’d just have to start all over again. Then, came sanding: slow, gradual, potentially-dangerous work that took a long time to do right. Kylo almost sanded off the ends of his fingers a few times before he got the hang of it.

It was work that couldn’t be rushed, the kind with no shortcuts. It demanded patience. If he tried to force it, the wood would snap, and the whole project would be ruined. He tried not to relate.

It was good work, it was calming work, and after a bit of a rocky start, Kylo found he was good at it. He hadn’t always been good at repetitive, detail-oriented work. In fact, a few years ago, there was no way he would have been suited to work like this; he would have gotten frustrated dozens of times over and ended up throwing the whole thing in the trash.

However, his brain had been rewired, and slowly, he was starting to see that it wasn’t all for the worse. He was able to do this, now. Moreover, he liked it.

He’d been here for nearly a month now. He’d packed up his small bag of belongings and Henry and took the train again, breathing a sigh of relief after he was out of the gray city and back where things were green and growing. He supposed it was a little counterintuitive preferring unoccupied nature, since he’d been held captive in a place so isolated and lonely, but even now, he was still uncomfortable with the company of people. The city would never be a comfortable place for him.

Kylo had been a little worried about where he was going to live, but when he got to town, he discovered there was a previously-unoccupied apartment right above Connor’s shop, and in exchange for more traditional wages, he got to live there for free, at least for a little while. It was small, empty, and more than a little drafty, but Kylo had gone so long without a place of his own that this felt heavenly.

The shop itself was small and usually quite busy. Besides Connor, three other people worked there, and they were usually occupied with custom-made orders and repairs. The town was small enough that somebody was often called out to somebody’s house to do some work there too. It was busy, small, comfortable.

The first time Kylo met the other employees, he had been nervous, not really relishing having to field the endless, nosy questions once they took in his full appearance, but to his great relief, there was none of that. Connor must have briefed them all before he arrived, so there was no staring at the scars on his arms when he had to roll up his sleeves, or surprise at his permanent limp. Everybody else who worked there seemed pleasant enough but mostly distant, too busy with their own lives to pay him much mind. Kylo liked it that way.

He worked on getting into a schedule that he was able to set himself. It felt like such a novelty that he was still getting used to. He woke up when he wanted to, alone in bed besides the great hulking weight of Henry usually asleep on one of his arms or legs. He made himself breakfast, not having to worry if he was making the right thing or not. He ate at his own pace, not having to swallow down bile and pick at his food while peeking across the table at Hux, always wondering if he’d done everything right that morning, if he’d avoided punishment for at least a little while. Sometimes he listened to music on the radio, sometimes just relished the silence. He wasn’t forced to talk to anyone, didn’t have to act normally or dredge up his feelings, analyze every little reaction of his to make sure it was the right one. He just enjoyed the mornings. They were utterly his. Mornings were the closest he got to being happy.

He would get dressed. He was still uncomfortable being exposed, so he usually wore warm clothes, jeans and dark sweaters with the sleeves pulled all the way down to his wrists, collar pulled up as much as he could in an attempt to hide his neck, heavy socks. Whenever his fingers accidentally brushed over the brand on his chest when he was getting dressed, he’d always go stiff for a few seconds, have to breathe through his mouth, try not to think of when he had stood there good and obedient while Hux burned it into his skin. To the best of his ability, he tried not to think about it at all.

He’d go downstairs, and figure out what projects he had to work on for the day. There was a huge whiteboard on the back wall with all outstanding projects written on it in various, scrawled hands. It was rather a pell-mell arrangement between everyone who worked here, just people deciding on the spot what to do. When he’d started, Kylo had been a little nervous, thinking he had to run every decision of his past Connor, until Connor let him know in no uncertain terms he could pick whatever he wanted. There was a time when that kind of freedom would have paralyzed him with terror, when the very thought of making the wrong choice without knowing it would result in arbitrary, painful punishment. Now, he’d made enough progress where it caused only mild anxiety, one he pushed through in the way he’d gotten used to. The fear wouldn’t kill him, he knew that now.

Kylo usually set up at one of the worktables towards the back of the shop, pretty separated from everybody else that liked to chat with each other and any customers that might come in. Kylo preferred to work alone as much as possible.

He discovered that out of all the many tasks to be completed, he liked sanding the most. It could be dangerous if his hand slipped, but as long as he took the proper precautions, it was usually fine. There was something about the slow, gradual sanding of wood that he found very calming. Since the sanding belt was rather loud, it had the added benefit of making it impossible for anyone to talk to him. No matter how nice these people were, he didn’t really want to talk to them. His ability to make small talk had pretty well abandoned him, maybe for good.

Given the general hustle and bustle of the shop, Kylo was a little concerned about what he would do whenever he had to ask a question. He didn’t relish asking anybody else. They were all half a decade older than him, pretty well settled into their lives and routines. He knew he was a new piece in the fabric of this place that didn’t quite fit in. Lucky for him, Connor was usually around. He had his own office at the back of the shop, but the door was always open, and he’d made it explicitly clear to Kylo that he could come in and ask a question any time he needed to.

The more Kylo got to know Connor, the more he liked him. There was just something about him so calming and solid that Kylo responded to. Kylo hadn’t known him for too long, but he’d never seen Connor get angry, and he dealt with any problem with the calm competence of a man who was used to dealing with crises. It was really no mystery why Kylo would like someone so stolid after so long deciphering the ever-changing moods of Hux.

After a day of work, Kylo would usually take Henry for a walk. There were plenty of paths and small roads in the area to explore, and Henry would drag him down all of them, taking plenty of pit stops to investigate every bush and clod of dirt along the way.

There was a lot more wildlife to be seen around here than back at Leia’s house. Squirrels, birds, hedgehogs, even the odd deer would flit across the path and disappear.

The first time they’d seen a deer, Henry had bristled and barked, lunging forward to snap at it. Kylo had just barely been able to hang onto him and keep from running off. Luckily, the deer was pretty far off, and so Henry quickly lost interest.

Kylo treasured these walks more than anything. The solitude, the warm sunlight, the lack of walls boxing him in all did more to settle his nerves than anything else. He liked being alone, but he hated being alone indoors. It just made him feel like he was waiting for Hux to come home at the end of the day, that he was stuck there waiting on somebody else’s whim. The more time he could spend outside, the happier he was.

After their walks, Kylo would usually make dinner for himself and read before going to sleep. The routine was something he treasured, because it was something he’d decided for himself without consulting anyone else.

Of course, it wasn’t as easy as all that. He very rarely slept through the night anymore. Most nights he would dream about Hux. Sometimes it would be horrible nightmares of being whipped or branded, his bones broken or being drowned in the tub. Those dreams made him grateful he lived alone except for Henry, because he would usually wake up from these panicked, leaping out of bed and crawling across the room, babbling nonsense in a useless attempt to appease somebody who was long gone. If anything, these dreams only got more and more violent the longer he spent away from Hux, not better.

However, the second type of dream, if anything, was worse. In the second type of dream, he’d be at the dining room table across from Hux, or sitting at his feet in the living room while Hux read. There wasn’t anything overtly violent about these dreams, but in them, Kylo knew he had done something wrong. Horribly wrong, unforgivably wrong. It didn’t really matter what it was, and in the dream, he usually couldn’t even remember the details. What was important was that he’d done it, and Hux didn’t know. At least, not yet. Nothing escaped Hux’s notice for too long, Kylo had learned that the hard way over and over again.

In these dreams, Hux might even be kinder than usual, in one of his rare good moods. In one, they were lying on the bed and Hux was kissing him, slow and languorous. Kylo treasured these moods whenever they arrived, because they were so few and far between. However, Kylo knew he’d done something wrong. At any moment, Hux would find out, and his fleeting kindness would turn to cruelty without giving Kylo a chance to catch up. Kylo would try to hide it, but Hux would catch his eye, and slowly his face would darken into a cold mask. _What’s wrong, dear?_ Hux might ask, and Kylo would open his mouth and nothing would come out. Hux’s face would darken into anger and then into black fury, the face that Kylo had thankfully only glimpsed in real life once when Hux caught him after his escape. Terror would fall over him, and he would know beyond a doubt that nothing he could say or do would keep Hux from punishing him.

And in the dream, Kylo knew it would be worse than ever before. This time, Hux wouldn’t forgive him. This time, Hux might just kill him.

The dream would end like that, unfulfilled, possible punishment just hanging in the air. It wasn’t the specifics of these dreams that were important, but just that sick, horrible anticipation of waiting for Hux to discovery Kylo’s wrongdoing.

Kylo would wake up from these dreams unable to move. He knew about sleep paralysis, and supposed this was close enough. He could open his eyes, blink, breathe, but that was all. His arms and legs would be locked into place, and in his panicked confusion of terror, he thought he was tied to the bed again. _No!_ His panicked mind would gibber. _No no no! I’ve been good! I’ve been good for so long, Hux doesn’t have to tie me up anymore! NO!_

As he tried uselessly to break through the paralysis, he became sure, he became _positive_ that he wasn’t alone. A pooling shadow near the far corner of the room, a door open just a crack. There was somebody standing there, he just knew. Hux was standing there, he wasn’t dead, he’d found him. He was furious that Kylo had the temerity to think he could leave him, and now he was back, he was allowing him this brief taste of freedom before he tore it away from him again. He would take Kylo again, and this time it would be forever.

Kylo would lie there, paralyzed in terror, staring at the shadow, waiting for it to move, waiting for it to speak. His sleep paralysis might only last for a few minutes, but it felt like it lasted for _hours_.

When it finally wore off, he would clench his fingers into fists once, twice, three times. Close his eyes, try to breathe. Usually, it was a coin toss whether he could keep himself from crying.

Certain ordinary things he ran into would sometimes be enough to make him freeze up in fear. Coils of rope would make him nervous, as would any unexpected clanging of metal. Raised voices, the sound of a lock, occasionally still the prospect of going outside. Even buckles had the prospect of making him nervous. Once, he chipped a dish taking it out of the cupboard, and he’d spent the next forty minutes crouched on the floor with his arms covering his head trying not to hyperventilate. Stupid things. Ordinary things there was absolutely no way of avoiding. Sometimes, he despaired of ever living through another day in his life without being afraid of something.

One thing he’d learned from Holdo was that recovery was a process, not a straight line, but Kylo sometimes despaired to think all he was doing was treading water, waiting it out until he eventually drowned.

* * *

One day, it was late and he and Connor were the only people left in the shop right before they were about to close. Connor was back in his office doing the paystubs, which left Kylo as the only person out front when a man came in wanting to make a complaint about a subpar stool he’d ordered. The man walked in and slammed the stool down on the counter in lieu of a greeting.

Kylo jumped before looking around and realizing he was the only one here. With more than a little trepidation, he stepped up to the desk.

“Can I, uh, help you?” He asked hesitantly.

The man looked him up and down with an angry sniff. He’d already come in here mad, and it was clear he was determined to have his say. “I seriously doubt it, but since you’re around, it’ll have to do. What the hell do you think this is?”

Kylo, genuinely mystified, looked over the stool the man had brought in, but he was really new to this, and couldn’t identify what was wrong with it. “I don’t know, I-”

“If you _don’t know_ , then why the hell do they have you working here? Are you simple?” The man interrupted him.

Kylo couldn’t help but wince. “Could you just tell me what’s wrong, please? Maybe I can fix it.” He said this meekly, and he hated himself. He hated that his automatic reaction was to roll over and show his belly, to weather the abuse instead of defending himself.

The man flipped the stool over so that it banged down on the desk, and this time Kylo really did flinch, arms crossing over his chest defensively.

“Can you fix this?” The man demanded, wobbling the stool back and forth, and now Kylo could see what the problem was. The legs were uneven, leaving the entire thing structurally unsound.

Kylo tried to offer to fix it, but every time he opened his mouth to speak, the man only got more absurdly angry. He was obviously a brand of stupid mean, jumping down anyone’s throat if they showed any weakness. The blood pounded in Kylo’s temples, and he could feel himself start to shut down, folding under the pressure. His stuttered excuses only served to piss this guy off more.

Before it could get worse, Connor came out of his office, drawn by the sound of the argument. He saw what was going on and immediately a scowl crossed his face. He strode forward with fists clenched.

“Hey!” He snapped. “We got a problem here?”

The man turned his attention from Kylo to Connor, sensing who was in charge. “Yeah, your simpleton of an employee can’t seem to get his act together to fix my problem. Maybe you can.”

Connor had a deep anger in his eyes that was obviously older than anything this man had done. “Get out of my shop. Now.”

The man puffed up. “Excuse me?”

Connor took three striding steps forward, and Kylo sucked in a startled breath and stumbled back until his back was against the wall. He knew Connor’s anger wasn’t directed at him, but his stupid brain didn’t get that message, was simply flashing a red _Danger_ sign in his mind, not heeding what was really going on.

Connor thrust the stool back across the counter at the man, pushing him back a step. “I would have been happy to fix the mistake at no cost, but my patience ends when you fail to treat my employees with basic respect. Get out. Take your business elsewhere.”

The man obviously knew he was in the wrong, but he had to have the last word. He turned red and pointed at Kylo. “If this stupid waste of space did things right the first time, I wouldn’t have had to come here!”

Connor’s face darkened, so far from his usual placid expression it was scary. Kylo pressed his eyes closed, the sight sending a bolt of useless fear into his head. His palms were sweating nervously. God, why was he like this? Why couldn’t he handle something like this without falling apart? He’d killed a man in self-defense, he’d told Phasma to stay away from him, why couldn’t he deal with something like this?

“Apologize to him.” Connor said in a low voice.

The man scoffed, even though he looked mildly guilty. “What, I’m not going to-”

“ _Apologize_ , or this is going to turn nasty.”

The man opened his mouth to argue, but something in Connor’s face convinced him he was serious. He barely looked at Kylo. “Sorry.”

“Like you mean it.”

The man took a breath. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Connor looked over at Kylo, and Kylo couldn’t handle seeing that angry look on his face, so he quickly looked at the ground. “Do you accept his apology?” Connor asked, voice softening a little when he spoke to Kylo.

Kylo nodded his head helplessly, just wanting this to be over. He felt sick, he felt like he was going to start screaming.

Connor turned back to the man and thrust the stool into his hands. “Good. Now leave. I don’t want to see you in here again.”

The man didn’t need to be told twice. He stormed out the door, slamming it behind him. After a beat, they heard his truck start up and drive away.

Connor turned to Kylo, and his demeanor immediately shifted into concern, no trace of anger left on his face. “Are you okay?”

Kylo nodded mutely, still pressed against the wall.

“Are you sure?” Connor asked carefully, taking one step forward.

Kylo slid sideways around the counter and fled for the door. “Yeah, I’m fine.” He threw back and all but ran out the door.

His apartment was above the shop, but Kylo needed to get as far away from Connor as he could in that moment. He strode as fast as his ankle allowed, wiping frustrated tears away with the back of his arm. He felt more upset than that situation warranted for a reason he couldn’t really articulate.

He heard the shop door open behind him, and started walking faster. “Kylo! Hey, Kylo, wait!”

When Connor sped up to catch up with him, Kylo spun around and let out a sharp cry of fear, throwing his arms up to defend himself.

Connor stopped in his tracks immediately, realizing he’d accidentally scared Kylo. He took a step back, holding his hands up carefully. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you out.”

Kylo forced his arms back to his sides, looking everywhere but at Connor, sniffing miserably.

“Did he hurt you?” Connor asked, a thread of protectiveness underlying the question.

Instead of making him feel better, this made Kylo feel worse, his stomach roiling. “No! I’m fine. I’m fine! Just – Just leave me alone.”

“Did I do something?” Connor asked.

Now Kylo’s mind spun around the other way, making him feel guilty for being angry with Connor when all he was trying to do was protect Kylo. Then Kylo got angry at himself for feeling like that against his will. He snarled in frustration, hitting the side of his head, sick of his messed-up, tangled instincts. “ _No_ , you just – Why did you have to –”

He clamped his mouth shut.

Connor clearly realized he’d overstepped, and he was trying to project calm again. “Did I scare you?” He said softly, realization coloring his voice.

Kylo ran a hand down his face and laughed devoid of humor. “It was my fault. I thought you… I’ve never seen you angry.”

Connor sighed. “Of course. I didn’t like how he was treating you.”

Kylo swallowed, that sentiment making him feel worse, and then he just felt bad about _that._ God, he was sick of his broken mind.

He searched for words, crossing his arms tight against his chest. It was cold out here, he just realized. “Hux was always…” He trailed off for a few moments, lost in thought. “I don’t like… _possessiveness_. Because he was. Very. I was never really a person to him. I was a prize.”

Connor nodded slowly. “Oh.”

“I need to be able to be able to handle people like that. I… I can’t yet. But I need to. Myself.”

There was a pause, and Kylo thought he should apologize. It wasn’t Connor’s fault he was so fucked up in the head he couldn’t just be grateful to be protected when he couldn’t do it himself.

“I never intended –” Connor started, and then stopped. He still hadn’t tried to get any closer to Kylo, and for that Kylo _was_ grateful. “You know what? It doesn’t matter what I intended. I scared you. I’m sorry. I think I should go. You need some space.”

Kylo felt a jolt. Fuck, he’d ruined it. He’d pissed off Connor, and now he’d probably want him to leave, just when he was getting used to his little life here, to his low-stakes job and his apartment and his walks with Henry. He didn’t _want_ to go. His stomach sank.

Connor seemed to see some of that cross Kylo’s face. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning.” He said kindly. “We’ve got all that upholstery for the school to do. It’s all hands on deck. Maybe we can get a drink tomorrow night? If you want to. Talk, that is.”

Kylo blinked. _Oh_. He hadn’t ruined it.

“Okay.”

“Goodnight, Kylo.” Connor smiled.

“Goodnight.”

Kylo wandered back awkwardly and waited until Connor had started up his truck and driven off before letting himself into his apartment, mounting the stairs slowly before sitting on the floor just inside the door, weathering Henry’s boisterous ministrations, just thinking.

* * *

They were sitting at a table at the only bar in town. Initially, Connor had been sitting against the wall, but after a few minutes, and dozens of times Kylo had glanced nervously behind him, they’d switched places. Kylo felt much more secure with his back against the wall. This way, nobody could sneak up on him.

Connor ordered a porter. Kylo just had a coffee. He remembered the last time he’d been in a bar, and wanted to keep his head clear this time.

For a long while, they didn’t even talk about Hux or what had happened to Kylo or any deeper issues. Connor told him all about the petty little gossip from the other people that worked at the shop, their lives and relationship issues and money troubles. Kylo didn’t really participate, but it was nice to just sit and listen to someone talk about things that weren’t important. Connor had a loud laugh, and Kylo even found himself smiling a few times, relaxing a little more in his presence. His hands were busy shredding the shells of the complimentary peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

This was nice, this was what normal people did. They went out with their… Kylo didn’t know what to call Connor. He guessed he was technically his boss, but Connor didn’t act like it, he treated everyone around him like an equal. So, he guessed… friend? Kylo was leery of even thinking that word. He didn’t want to put something on Connor that he didn’t feel. Connor had taken pity on him, had given him a job and place to go when he had nothing. Kylo didn’t know if that made them friends. Kylo was conditioned to latch onto whoever showed him the smallest kindness, but he had to be careful to remind himself that not everyone felt the same.

Eventually, the mood turned a little more maudlin and their conversation turned to the topic that Kylo wasn’t really looking forward to discussing.

“So I wanted to apologize for last night. Again. I, uh, I wasn’t thinking. It was stupid of me not to consider how something like that… would affect you.” Connor said awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck.

“It’s okay.” Kylo said automatically. He’d thought about it last night, and the apology meant a lot to him. He was still unused to being apologized to.

Connor took a long sip of his drink, clearly working up to something. “I think maybe… we need to get something out in the open. I don’t think it’s fair to you to keep it back, so… I’m going to unburden myself.”

“What?” Kylo asked, getting a little nervous.

“You really remind me a lot of Sean. And I try not to draw comparisons, because I know that isn’t fair to you, but. Well.” Connor trailed off, clearly searching for the best way to express what he was trying to say.

“Oh.” Kylo said. He’d thought this was going to be something much worse.

“I hadn’t thought of him in a long time. That might sound terrible to say, that I could forget my first friend, but it’s true. I moved here to get away from all that. I pretty much only go back for holidays for my mum, and then only under duress. I’d love it if they would come here instead.” Connor said.

Kylo wondered if Connor had been to visit his parents when he himself was living in Hux’s house. That thought was strange and unpleasant to him. He didn’t like thinking about his time with Hux and Connor overlapping. He wondered if he’d seen Connor at the store on one of the few handful of times Hux had allowed him out of the house, if Connor had seen a slight, scared wisp of a person scuttling through the store and then hurrying off for home as quick as he could. Kylo pressed his eyes closed and tried to banish the image. He wasn’t that person anymore. He was stronger now. Different.

“Anyway, meeting you… kind of brought it all back. I’ve been thinking about things I haven’t thought of for years.” Connor said.

Kylo winced. “I’m sorry.” Even his very presence was enough to make people think of the worst time in their lives. This was an upsetting thought.

Connor frowned at him. “No. Don’t apologize. It was bound to come out somehow. If not this, then something else. You have to deal with it somehow.”

Kylo looked down at the table, tracing the edges of it with nervous energy. He was a walking billboard for tragedy, and he hated that he couldn’t get away from it.

“I’ve always felt… so guilty that I wasn’t able to save Sean. That piece of shit got away with killing him, and I couldn’t do anything about it. Maybe if I hadn’t been such a dumb kid, I could’ve… I don’t know. Killed him.” Connor said bitterly.

They sat in that silence for a few moments, thinking about how differently both of their lives would have gone if that had happened.

“He would never have let you.” Kylo said quietly. Even now, his belief in Hux’s near-godlike capability had only dimmed a little. It would probably never truly disappear.

Connor scratched his scalp and sighed wearily. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

“You couldn’t really win against him,” Kylo said. “All you could really hope for is to get out of his way. If you could. I couldn’t.”

Connor looked at him, and Kylo could see all the badly-healed sadness he tried to keep hidden away. “Yeah. All I really wanted to say is that it’s hard for me to look at you and not think of Sean. It’s hard for me not to feel… protective. That’s why I reacted like I did with that asshole last night. And, I know that’s not fair to you. You didn’t know Sean. You have no reason to care about him or me. And you shouldn’t. You’ve got enough baggage, I’m sure. I just wanted to… I don’t know, explain myself. Let you know where I’m coming from.”

Kylo risked a glance up, drew circles in the table. Ever since Hux had told him about Sean, Kylo had conjured up an image of him as the weak one, the one who couldn’t cut it. Sean collapsed under the weight of Hux’s attention while Kylo cracked and reformed. He had to think that way in order to survive. For a long time, his resilience was quite literally all he had.

There was no way he wanted to say that to Connor. Now, maybe he needed to amend that mental image. He had healed just enough that he could afford to be more charitable. They had both been extremely unlucky to catch Hux’s attention. Kylo honestly couldn’t say which of them had been more unlucky. Sure, Sean had been killed, but at least his fate had been quick. He’d been whole when he died.

“You don’t have to be guilty. When Hux wanted something, he took it. No questions.” Kylo said.

“I know. Logically, I know there’s probably not much I could have done. That doesn’t mean I can’t feel guilty too.” Connor shrugged.

“Well, thank you for telling me. Just as long as you know that I… I don’t want… Possessiveness makes me uncomfortable.” Kylo admitted, the fact that he was able to articulate this a sign of how far he’d come.

Connor nodded. “Yes, of course it does. I wasn’t thinking. I’ll think more in the future.”

“Thank you,” Kylo let out a small smile. He was terrified of the small part of him that _hadn’t_ hated it when Connor had stepped in front of him and taken charge of the situation. There was still a piece of him that would always long for someone to tell him how it was going to be in no uncertain terms. He hated that that piece of him was still there, but he wasn’t sure it would ever go away. He just had to be vigilant against it.

Connor smiled back. The conversation naturally turned to other topics. They stayed until close, and Kylo didn’t realize until he went home how comfortable he’d been in Connor’s company, how unafraid he’d been of doing or saying the wrong thing. He couldn’t remember the last time that had happened.

* * *

Time passed. Kylo settled into his routine. The calm, unchanging nature of it was nicer than he could say. He called home every couple days. Most of the time, he would talk to Leia, but sometimes it would be Han or Luke. He found it was easier to talk to them at a distance. Without seeing their well-meaning faces still twisted up with pity and concern, he could unburden himself. When it was just their voices over the line, he found himself able to say things he hadn’t been able to before.

One day, he had a long conversation with Han. It was certainly the longest he’d talked to his father since his captivity, and might have been the longest conversation he’d ever had with him in his life. Kylo was finally able to apologize properly for having shot him. Living months with the knowledge that he’d killed his own father had left a dark spot in Kylo’s heart that he didn’t think would ever go away. The fact that Han had survived was irrelevant. Just the knowledge that he had been willing to do that, as addled and brainwashed as he’d been, was enough.

Han listened quietly to everything Kylo had to say, and forgave him. Again. This time, it felt real. Maybe it was just that Kylo had enough distance from himself to look at the situation objectively. He wouldn’t ever forgive himself, probably could never do that, but nevertheless, he felt a little better. He hung up the phone, for one of the first times feeling better after talking to Han than he had before.

The weather mellowed, and that meant Kylo could go for longer walks with Henry. Sometimes, they turned into all-day affairs. He was starting to build up quite the mental map of the little country lanes and dead ends outside of town.

One day, he was out walking with Henry around midafternoon. The day had started off sunny and warm, but dark cloud banks were rolling in, and the sound of thunder in the distance let him know he’d better start turning back soon if he didn’t want to get soaked.

His long walks were helping him physically, but he was still tired and ready to go home. He had just convinced Henry to turn around so they could head back when a deer stepped onto the road a few hundred yards ahead of them.

Kylo smiled a little. He’d only seen a handful of deer in his life, and never so up close. He was so distracted by this unexpected sight, he failed to notice how Henry was reacting. Henry had frozen, hackles up. Henry and the deer stared at each other, neither making the first move.

Henry started growling low in his throat, and without warning, the doe flipped her white tail and sprang away into the trees on the other side of the road.

Henry started barking and lunged after the deer. Kylo cried out in pain as he was yanked forward by his arm holding the leash. Henry was a lot stronger than he was, and caught him off guard.

Kylo scrambled to pull Henry back, but he felt something wrench in his shoulder at the same time that he stumbled and fell to his knees.

“Henry!” He shouted desperately. Henry was too focused on the deer, lunging forward once more. Kylo lost his balance and fell flat. The leash was torn from his hand and Henry sprinted away after the deer, barking loudly.

“No! Henry!” Kylo screamed, scrambling to his feet and running forward, but his feet tangled in the loam in the ditch and he fell again, scraping his palms against sharp sticks.

He kneeled there for a second, gaping. His palms were bleeding and there was a painful twinge in his shoulder that let him know he’d probably torn a muscle, but that didn’t seem important at this moment. Henry had run off.

He moaned miserably, hunkering down and pressing his palms to his eyes, rocking back and forth. His thought processes seemed to be coming up against a brick wall. Panic, his old friend, was taking hold of him. Images of Clarence hopping away down the driveway of Hux’s house were crowding in on his head, and he wasn’t strong enough to push them away this time. He couldn’t think straight, couldn’t think of what to do. Every coping strategy he’d learned in the last few months seemed to have fallen by the wayside in this moment. He had no idea what to do.

He struggled to his feet and started wandering down the road, calling after Henry in increasingly desperate tones. There was no sign of him. He’d run off, he’d disappeared. Images of Henry lying dead in the road, run over by a car, or stuck somewhere in the woods with his leash caught on something, unable to get free while he wasted away and starved ran through Kylo’s head with lightning-fast intensity. At one point, Kylo leaned over and heaved, but nothing came up.

He wandered for what felt like hours, calling Henry’s name over and over until his voice went hoarse. It was dark and spitting rain by the time he’d wandered back into town, out of ideas and not thinking straight. His right arm was hanging by his side, throbbing in pain. His shoes were covered in dirt and his bad ankle hurt quite badly, not used to this much exercise.

Kylo wandered down the street toward his apartment, numb and heartsick.

As he got closer, he saw someone was outside. It was Connor, locking up the shop as he prepared to go home for the night. Kylo hoped he didn’t see him, because he was sure he was a mess.

Connor glanced over at Kylo when he wandered closer, and immediately concern crossed his face. “Oh my God, Kylo. Are you okay?”

Kylo stopped where he was a few feet away, swaying a little on his feet. He didn’t feel like he could speak. He pressed his lips together and shook his head. He only realized now he was crying. Probably had been for a long time.

Connor stepped forward and caught Kylo by the elbow before he fell over. “What happened? Did somebody do this to you?”

Kylo shook his head again, closed his eyes, and tried to force himself to speak. “No, it’s – it’s Henry. There was a – he saw a deer and he ran off and I couldn’t stop him and now he’s go– _gone_.”

He felt a little faint. He tried not to fall apart in front of Connor, because he was so sick of falling apart in front of people, but he was just so goddamn tired and scared.

After hearing that it wasn’t a person that had done this, Connor relaxed a little. He thought for a moment and nodded. “Right. Okay. Here’s what we’re going to do. I walked today, so I need to get my car. I’m going to run and get it. I want you to just sit down right here and wait for me. Alright?”

Kylo was having a hard time concentrating on what Connor was saying. All he could think about was Henry lost and alone, Henry drowned in a lake somewhere, Henry caught by the type of cruel people that had him before, taken away to be hurt again. Blood was pumping through his ears and it took everything he had not to burst into tears again. He didn’t want Connor to know how weak he was, how pathetic.

Kylo felt a hand touch the side of his face. He tried to concentrate. “Hey. Kylo. Look at me.”

Kylo focused his red-rimmed eyes on Connor with difficulty.

“We’re going to find your dog. Okay? I’m going to help you. We’ll find Henry. Just sit down.” Connor’s voice sounded worried, and Kylo didn’t have it in him to argue. He all but collapsed on the bench that Connor guided him to, putting his head in his hands. He heard Connor jog off, and he focused on breathing deep.

Time seemed to stutter forward. He didn’t remember Connor coming back, but next time he was aware of himself he was sitting in the passenger seat of Connor’s truck. Connor was driving slowly, and he tried to get out of Kylo where it was he’d been walking. To the best of his ability, Kylo told him.

They drove for a while. Connor cranked open his window and called out every couple minutes for Henry. Kylo slumped in the passenger seat, hands clasped tightly in his lap to keep from shaking. His thoughts were spiraling into dark places. He didn’t have a lot of faith that they would be able to find Henry.

“It was my fault.” He said blankly. “I didn’t hold onto him tight enough. And now he’s gone.”

“It’s not your fault.” Connor said, but Kylo couldn’t help but think all that was was an empty platitude.

Kylo hunched over, feeling like he was in pain. “He was right,” he said miserably. “I can’t take care of anything. I can’t – I can’t even look after a _dog_ , how am I supposed to-”

Connor didn’t have to ask who it Kylo was talking about.

They made it to the place that looked familiar to Kylo, where he thought he’d lost Henry. Connor got out, and after a second, Kylo followed. Connor handed him a flashlight, and Kylo followed Connor as they walked off in the vague direction of where Kylo thought Henry had gone.

They walked for a few minutes. Connor called Henry’s name, passing the flashlight back and forth and looking in the underbrush. Kylo wandered after him, numb, the beam of his flashlight pointed at the ground. They weren’t going to find him. He’d let Henry run off and now he’d never see him again.

After a quarter hour of walking, Kylo couldn’t take it anymore. This was pointless. He sank down onto the ground, ready to give up.

Connor noticed Kylo wasn’t behind him after a moment. He came running back, his flashlight beam bouncing in the gloom. He knelt down next to Kylo, but he was careful not to touch him. “Hey. I need your help. Henry doesn’t know me as well. He needs to hear you calling for him or he won’t come. He’s around here somewhere. Come on, Kylo. Get up. Please.”

Kylo fought very hard to push down the lump in his throat. “He’s gone,” he croaked miserably. “He’s gone, and it’s my fault. It’s just like before.”

“No, it’s not. I swear to you-”

“It’s just like with Clarence! I wasn’t careful enough, and I let her run away, and then Hux killed her, he – he killed her just because – just because I didn’t do what he told me – He _told_ me to keep the lid on the hutch and make sure she couldn’t get out, but I didn’t listen and he _killed_ her!” Kylo’s voice broke, and he hunkered down until his face was pressed against the ground. The scar from Clarence’s death had scabbed over, but the tissue wasn’t thick enough to withstand something like this. He was rocketed back immediately to how he’d felt on that horrible night, to the night where his hope had well and truly died, when he’d finally surrendered to Hux with no inhibitions.

When he felt a hand on his back, he thought it was Hux’s, and he moaned miserably. “Kylo. Listen to me. Henry’s not gone. He’s still out here, and he needs you. So get up and start looking.”

There was something about the practical, no-nonsense way that Connor spoke that got through to Kylo’s overheated mind. If he’d tried to comfort him, Kylo didn’t think it would have had the same effect.

Kylo let out one long, unsteady breath and sat up. With a force of will that would have been impossible a few months ago, Kylo rode out the panic attack. He took a deep breath and held it as long as he could, waiting until his heart slowed down. This was a trick that Holdo had taught him, and he used it now.

Connor waited patiently, one hand resting on his back until he was calm enough to stand up. He helped Kylo to his feet and gave him a hopeful, reassuring smile.

“Feeling better?”

Kylo nodded shakily. After a second, they started moving again. Kylo joined Connor in calling out for Henry, sweeping his flashlight back and forth in his search. He couldn’t say he felt any more hopeful, but Connor was right. It felt better to be looking.

After another forty-five minutes of search, Kylo noticed a spot in the underbrush where it seemed like there had been a scuffle.

“Henry?” He shouted. Connor was a dozen yards ahead, but Kylo stopped and listened hard. So faint he could barely hear it, there was the sound of whining coming from farther in the trees. Kylo hurried towards the sound and called again. The whining got louder.

Kylo felt like his stomach flipped over when he finally found Henry. The dog had fallen into a hole in the ground in his chase after the deer. It wasn’t that deep, but deep enough that Henry wasn’t able to get out of it again. Kylo peered over the side and saw Henry, covered in mud and a little scratched up, but all in all no worse for wear. He wagged his tail weakly when he saw Kylo.

Kylo nearly cried in relief. His first instinct was to jump down and get Henry, but when he tried, he nearly fell in himself, rocks skittering down into the hole. He just caught himself in time.

“Connor. Connor!” Kylo called out.

Connor came running, and when he saw the problem, he asked Kylo to step back. “Alright, Henry, I’m coming down now, so please don’t bite me.” Connor said, rightfully wary around the dog. He did it slowly so Henry wasn’t startled, setting his feet down carefully so that he didn’t accidentally step on Henry’s tail.

Connor had a comfortable, easy strength. He heaved Henry up in his arms with little effort. Henry growled a little, but seemed to accept this as the necessary price to get out of the hole. Connor heaved Henry up to ground level with a grunt of effort and then clambered up after him.

Kylo fell onto Henry with a sense of such pure relief he’d never felt before. He brushed the dirt and loose leaves and sticks off of Henry’s pelt, wrapping his arms around the dog and burying his face in his fur. “Henry, don’t you ever do that to me again. I swear to God, don’t _ever_ do that again.”

Henry licked Kylo’s face a few times and whined a little as if in apology. Kylo didn’t let go of him until he was reasonably certain that he wouldn’t disappear again.

After a few minutes of this, he looked up at Connor, gratitude so overpowering it might not be healthy coursing over him. “Thank you,” he said, a little wide-eyed. “I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

Connor shook his head. “Hey, you found him. All I did was help.”

Kylo’s relief was like a wave overtaking his higher brain functions. He’d swung from hopeless despair around to the other side in a second. He wasn’t able to recognize it, but in its way, it could be just as dangerous as regular compulsion. Hux had effectively rewired Kylo to respond to two instincts: fear of punishment and dizzy relief at any show of kindness. The first stopped him from stepping out of line, while the second helped foster his dependence on Hux. While neither was easy to avoid, the first was at least easier to recognize. The second could be just as insidious.

Kylo shook his head. “No I could never have-”

“Sure, you could. It just would have taken longer.” Connor said.

Kylo hugged Henry as tight as he could, looking up at Connor with a new kind of awe that hadn’t been there before. His relief left him feeling unsteady and malleable. He buried his face in Henry’s chest, and they stayed there a long while until Kylo could be reasonably certain he wouldn’t just burst into tears. Henry wagged his tail and didn’t move, appearing to apologize in the only way a dog could.

They walked back to the car, Henry staying firmly by Kylo’s side this time. After Connor dropped him off back at his apartment, Kylo fell into bed, not even having the energy to take a shower. Henry curled up by his side, and they both slept like the dead.

* * *

Recovery is a tricky business. There are so many invisible pitfalls. Narrowly avoid stepping in one, and you’d stumble into another one you never saw coming.

By all external metrics, Kylo was doing much better now than he had been a few months ago. He was adjusting to independence, helped along by his job. He was able to leave the house regularly, spurred on by the necessity of taking Henry for walks. Instead of being bad for his state of mind, living alone helped. He didn’t need to anticipate anyone else’s movements in the house, only his own.

However, loneliness was its own trap. The hard work of pushing Hux out of the cavern of his heart would never be done entirely, but there was more room every day. That left only empty space that longed to be filled.

After Connor helped him get Henry back, Kylo began to latch onto Connor in a way that, if anyone else had been around, would have been able to tell him was just as unhealthy. The crossed wires in his brain fired in maladaptive patterns, bypassing all the warning signals.

Kylo’s gratitude to Connor started to morph into maladaptive attachment. Connor was the complete opposite of Hux in nearly every way. He was calm and steady where Hux had been difficult to predict. Connor was warm where Hux had been cold. Connor was kind where Hux had been cruel. The one area they didn’t differ was in their easy competence and strength of will. Starved for that kind of strength, Kylo couldn’t help but be pulled in.

Kylo began to stay later at work when Connor was there, accept his invitations for drinks more often, even when the others from the shop were there. Whenever possible, Kylo would try to be around Connor, relishing the safety he felt whenever he was around. It was easier to place yourself in someone else’s hands than do the hard work of living for yourself, so that’s what Kylo did.

If Connor noticed how much Kylo had latched onto him, he didn’t say anything. He largely behaved the same, giving Kylo space when he needed it, and spending time with him if he wanted.

This largely benign arrangement could have continued unnoticed if Kylo hadn’t made a move. About a month after Henry’s misadventure in the woods, Kylo was at Connor’s house for dinner. Kylo had offered to cook after Connor stated that about all he could do was grill sausages. Kylo didn’t mind, he liked cooking because of the straightforward mindset it put him in. As long as he was concentrating on preparing food, he wasn’t thinking about anything else.

Henry was asleep on the dog bed in the corner that Connor had claimed he’d just had in his garage, but Kylo was pretty sure he’d bought specifically for Henry. The thought sent warmth to bloom in Kylo’s stomach.

After eating, Kylo and Connor sat on the porch watching the sunset and talking. Kylo liked talking with Connor. He was easy to spend time with. He never made him feel self-conscious about how unused to talking he was, or questioned him on the few conversational pitfalls that made him think of something painful.

“I just realized that I haven’t really thanked you,” Kylo said at last when the conversation began to flag a bit.

“Thanked me for what?” Connor asked easily, leaned back in his chair.

“For… for, well, letting me stay here. Giving me a job.”

Connor looked uncomfortable with the thanks. “Don’t worry about it. Anyone would have done it.”

Kylo shook his head. “Everyone wouldn’t. Most people are just… self-interested.”

Connor looked at him with just the smallest amount of sadness in his eyes. For some reason, this didn’t bother him like it did when most anyone else did the same thing.

Kylo looked at Connor for a moment, his calm demeanor and dark hair and warm smile. He’d been thinking of doing something for a week now, every time he saw Connor, and he thought that now was finally the time.

Before he could talk himself out of it again, Kylo leaned over between their two chairs and pressed his lips to Connor’s. Connor stiffened in surprise. Kylo just wanted to be taken care of, he just wanted things to be easy again. Spending time with Connor had always been easy.

His tentative hope ended when he felt Connor’s hands gently push him away by the shoulders. Connor looked like he’d been hit in the head unexpectedly. He searched for words for a few moments.

“Kylo,” he said finally. “What was that?”

Kylo looked up to see Connor’s dismayed face, and sudden horror trickled down his spine. “I… I just wanted… Oh god.”

Kylo lurched to his feet and paced to the other side of the porch. He’d ruined it. Jesus, he’d ruined everything. There was no way Connor would let him stay here after this. He’d so badly miscalculated how Connor would react to something like that, and now he’d ruined what little ounce of happiness he’d managed to scrounge up.

Connor’s words, when they came, were halting and slow. “I didn’t know you felt that way.”

“I’m sorry.” Kylo said, voice shaking. He couldn’t even bear to look at Connor.

“You don’t have to be _sorry_ , you just… Kylo, will you look at me?”

Kylo couldn’t take it. He spun around, not looking at Connor. “I should go. I’m really sorry. I’ll never do that again, I’m so sorry –”

He was rushing to the door when Connor stood up suddenly. “Wait!”

Kylo flinched and stopped. Connor realized he’d startled him and didn’t step any closer. “You don’t have to leave. I’m not angry or anything, I’m just… I’m a little taken aback.”

Kylo stared at the ground, eyes hot. “That was stupid. I know that… I know that you don’t like me. Not like that. You couldn’t.” The only person who could was dead. Kylo had been ruined for anyone else, and it was about time that he accepted this.

“I do like you.” Connor said.

Kylo let out a cracked, humorless laugh.

“I do.” The fervor with which Connor said this made Kylo glance up cautiously. Connor’s expression was so earnest, so without malice that he could have collapsed.

He pressed his lips together in a tight line, tried not to do anything else terrible.

“I do like you, Kylo, but… After, well, after what Hux put you through, I just don’t think it’s a good idea for you to jump into a relationship with someone. With _anyone_. Someday, yes, but it’s just too soon. It’s only been a couple months. That’s not that long. I hate the idea that someone would take advantage of you again.”

“You wouldn’t,” Kylo said softly.

Connor smiled sadly. “Not on purpose, no. But there are just too many pitfalls to fall into accidentally. Are you telling me that if we had a disagreement about something, you wouldn’t just cave to whatever it was I wanted, just because you wanted to make me happy?”

Kylo bit his lip. He knew Connor was right.

“Or that you might do things you don’t want to or that you’re not ready to do just in the spirit of appeasing me?”

Kylo’s shoulders slumped. “I’m just tired of being alone. I’m tired of people looking at me like I’m broken beyond repair. I just miss… I miss how Hux would look at me, like he loved me. He did… he did a lot wrong, but he… It’s hard to do this all on my own.”

Connor took a step closer. “I’m not saying you have to be alone forever. Just a little while longer. Once you know you’re ready, and I think you’re smart enough to decide that for yourself, you’ll find someone who won’t hurt you, who will deserve to love you.”

Kylo scuffed his foot against the ground. He found it difficult to look at Connor during this speech. “I just don’t know who could…” _Who could love me after him_ was what he was unable to say out loud, but Connor seemed to understand.

“Plenty of people. You don’t have to be part of someone else’s whole to be worthy,” Connor said, smiling a little.

Kylo smiled back, a little watery. He didn’t quite believe that, but not getting kicked out of Connor’s life immediately for making a mistake certainly helped.

“Can I hug you?” Connor asked. Just knowing that he could say no and there would be no repercussions felt wonderful.

Kylo nodded, and fell into Connor’s embrace. For the first time in a long time, he felt safe.

* * *

The weather was turning warm again by the time Kylo decided it might be safe enough to go home. He’d been away for long enough that he trusted it wouldn’t cause any waves. Leia arranged a plane ticket home for him for two weeks from now. Kylo hadn’t quite decided whether he would stay there or not. He’d built a little life here with Connor, and he was loath to leave it; however, he knew that Connor was right, and he should take some time alone to center himself.

He would go home for a while and see how it went. He was kind of hoping that he would be able to come back here in the future, if he wanted. Even if it was just for a short visit.

Before he left for home, Kylo had one more item of business to take care of.

On a warmer day in early spring, Kylo took another train trip. This one he took alone, leaving Henry with Connor for the day. The two of them got along well, and Kylo trusted that Henry wouldn’t try to take a bite out of Connor while he was gone.

He had to transfer twice, taking the train back to London, and then getting on another to Ireland.

By the time he made it to the town where Hux grew up, it was early afternoon and it had warmed up quite a bit. Kylo ended up taking off his jacket, but held it over his folded arms. He didn’t want to deal with people’s sideways looks at him, not today.

His limp was much worse today, causing a handful of people at the platform to ask him if he needed any help. He waved off their offers to the best of his ability. He wanted to walk.

When Kylo had told Connor where he was planning on going, he’d offered to come with. He said that he didn’t want Kylo to have to face this all alone. The very fact that Connor was offering to go back to a place he hated so much meant a lot. Kylo didn’t have the heart to tell him that the worst of it was going back to Hux’s house back home. That had been where all the worst memories were. This… all this was was denouement.

Despite his show of confidence to Connor, Kylo did find himself a bit nervous. As he took the long walk through town, he saw the few landmarks he knew from his short trips into town. Hux had let him take the most direct route to the store and back, so he really recognized very little. Now out of the haze of constant fear, he could recognize that it was a pretty little town, although he would never like it. He and Connor had that in common.

Instead of going by the house, he followed the directions on his phone until he found the town’s graveyard. He’d done a little research before coming, and found that they’d buried Hux in his home town in the family plot. It was a pretty little parcel of land, with trees and grass beautifying the space. Kylo couldn’t imagine a place less appropriate to bury Hux.

It was a warm spring day, so there were a few other people here. A mother and daughter had their arms around each other as they lay flowers on a grave in the third row. What must be the groundskeeper puttered around the plot in a lawnmower, the sound a steady stream of white noise.

Kylo didn’t know exactly where Hux would be buried, but it wasn’t that big a place, so he wandered for a while, putting off the inevitable by reading the epitaphs of the graves he passed by. Every single one of them was clearly written by loved ones with best wishes in mind. _Lived a true life. A good husband. A cherished daughter_. It only just now occurred to Kylo to wonder who wrote Hux’s epitaph. It wasn’t like there was anyone around to write it. The slightly morbid thought that in another life it would have been Kylo’s responsibility came to him. He shuddered despite the warm day.

After a quarter hour of aimless wandering, Kylo found it. The Hux family plot contained around a dozen graves, most of them generations old. There was a grave Kylo thought belonged to Hux’s father, which he bypassed, uninterested in going down that rabbit hole.

Hux’s gravestone was simple, unadorned. Armitage Hux, and the dates of birth and death. That was all. Kylo stared at it, unsure of what it should have said. _The only good thing he gave the world was leaving it?_ A nervous laugh escaped him and he clamped his hands over his mouth as if Hux was going to hear him.

It didn’t quite feel right that Hux have a gravestone at all. If the universe was just, he would have been buried in a pauper’s grave, or burned up in a fire, unloved, unmourned, and unremembered. Kylo supposed that despite how little he wanted it, that job now fell to him.

Kylo sat cross-legged on the ground and just looked at Hux’s grave in silence. He’d come here expecting… he didn’t know what. A revelation, maybe. An explanation of some kind. Some sort of justification for what he’d gone through. Because sitting here alone by a grave on a warm spring’s day, he felt… empty. He’d been worried he would burst into tears, but that hadn’t happened. Sitting here, he didn’t really feel much of anything at all. He thought he might come here and rage at Hux, scream and desecrate his grave, but he’d already done that. He didn’t feel the urge to do it again. He felt like everything had been scooped out of him. He’d been hurt terribly, and for what? To end up here, alone.

The thought didn’t hurt him as much as it might have just a little while ago. For the first time in a long time, he _did_ have something to look forward to. Henry was waiting for him back home, Connor had invited him to a dinner party, and Kylo actually thought he might go. He had a plane ticket back home in two weeks. He’d see his family and Rey again, and this time he thought it would be better. He wasn’t living solely for Hux anymore, and that thought buoyed him up just as much as it frightened him.

After sitting for a while waiting for something to happen, Kylo stood up again. He had no connection to this place. He didn’t feel Hux here. It was just a slab of stone with Hux’s name on it, it didn’t mean anything.

Before he left, his hand came up to the necklace he was still wearing, the two rings he hadn’t taken off since Hux had died. Over the past few weeks, sometimes he even forgot he was wearing it.

Kylo slipped the chain over his head, and held the two rings in his palm for a moment. He took Hux’s ring off the chain, knelt down and pressed it into the grass until it sunk into the soft ground a few inches. He was worried if he left it on top of the gravestone, somebody might take it. Hopefully, here, it would go unnoticed.

He waited a moment longer, wondering if he would feel the need to say anything. Once it became clear that he wouldn’t, he left.

Kylo walked slowly the rest of the way to Hux’s house. He felt… okay. He’d been worried he would have a panic attack, but so far, he wasn’t having the emotional reaction to this trip that he’d thought he might.

Once he arrived, he bypassed the house entirely, heading for the back gate and the path up to the overlook. Hux’s first house had meant a great deal to Kylo, but this one didn’t. He’d lived here for a few months with Hux. That was all. He felt no great need to see it again.

Kylo was out of breath by the time he made it up the hill. It looked so much different on this warm spring day than it had the last time he’d been here.

Kylo stood on the precipice and looked out over the town. The wind ruffled his hair gently. It was so lovely you could almost forget all the horrible things that had happened here.

He looked over the edge, this time feeling vertigo as he looked down at the rocks. His stomach gave an uncomfortable lurch and he had to shut his eyes.

Sean had died here. Hux had died here. Kylo had thought about killing himself here in those dark days when there had been no way out.

Hux had given him a ring here, had made it clear in no uncertain terms that they would be together until death. Kylo had assumed at the time that it would be his own death, that no matter how much Hux said he loved him, eventually he would kill him. He’d been wrong. It had been Hux’s death that had parted them.

The first time he’d stood here, he’d passively allowed Hux to put the ring on his finger.

Now, he stood with the ring in one hand, looking down at the drop where he’d severed the connection with Hux for good. He held his ring, the one he’d worn for Hux, not a collar, but just as good as.

Kylo threw the ring as hard as he could. It sailed off the edge, twisting and glittering in the bright sun, the chain trailing behind it. It fell out of sight. Kylo waited to hear it hit the rocks below, but he never did.

Before he turned back for the road, he tilted his head back and closed his eyes, feeling the sun on his face. He didn’t smile. He couldn’t, not now. But he didn’t cry either.

* * *

The day before his flight for home, Kylo picked up the phone and called Rey.

She picked up the phone on the third ring, sounding a little out of breath. “Yeah?”

“Hi, Rey. It’s me,” he said.

“Oh,” Rey said. That was all. They hadn’t talked much since he’d left, and he could feel the awkward beat between them.

“I suppose you know I’m coming home tomorrow.” Kylo said.

“Of course I do. I haven’t called because, well, I thought you could use the space. I wanted to respect your healing process,” Rey said, pausing again. When she spoke again, there was a sly smile in her voice. “Also, you didn’t hear this from me, but we’ve got a bit of a welcome home party planned. Nothing crazy, don’t worry. Just your parents, Luke, and I. We’ve missed you.”

For the first time in a while, the prospect of a welcome home party actually sounded nice instead of horribly draining. “My lips are sealed,” He promised, the closest to a joke he’d gotten in a while.

“So what’s the occasion? I thought we would wait to catch up until you got back.” Rey said.

“I just realized that I never thanked you.” Kylo said.

“Thanked me for what?” Rey said, confused.

“For saving me. You found me. You almost got killed for me. I didn’t… I wasn’t able to really… _process_ that for a while, but, um. I do now. You saved my life.”

Rey sounded uncomfortable with the praise. “No, come on. I mean, you’re welcome. You’re my friend, you know I’d do anything for you. But really. Thanks are not needed.”

“They are,” Kylo said sincerely. “Rey, he would have… I would still be with him if you hadn’t done anything. I’d be…” His throat closed up at the thought, of still living in that house with Hux to this day, going through life in a traumatized fog, unable to really think. He’d probably have a few more scars, maybe some other permanent injury to add to the already long list. Brainwashed and subservient.

“You sound different. You sound… you’re doing better?” Rey sounded close to tears.

“Yeah. I… I think I am.” Kylo said, for the first time not having to lie. It felt good.

“I was worried that you’d be all alone there. I wanted to come get you, but your mom said she talked to you, and you said you were okay.” She said.

“I’m not alone. I have a job, I met someone who knew Hux. He, um, he gets it.”

“Like I didn’t.” Rey’s voice was sad.

“No, I didn’t mean it like-”

“It’s okay. I’m happy that you found somebody you can talk to. I’m really happy. I’ve never really been able to… do that for you. I always felt bad about that.” Rey said.

“You don’t have to.” Kylo said.

“I know. But I still do.”

Kylo looked out the window at the simple view of the street. “I can tell you more about it later. I just wanted to tell you that it’s going to be different this time. I really think so.”

“I’m glad. Talk to you tomorrow?”

“Yeah. Bye, Rey.” Kylo hung up the phone, feeling okay about the conversation, feeling okay about seeing her tomorrow. He didn’t dread seeing her again like he might have before. He felt more like a person now than he had in a long while.

* * *

Connor drove him and Henry to the airport the next day. They parked and Connor helped Kylo with his one suitcase, insisting on carrying it to the curb.

“Well,” Connor said, hands in his pockets. “Guess this is it.”

“Guess so,” Kylo was a little distracted by wrangling Henry, who seemed to know where they were going and didn’t want to leave. He was sitting next to Connor and looking at Kylo in a very critical way, as if to say _Why are we leaving? We’ve got everything we need right here_.

“Well, it’s been real good to meet you, Kylo. I’ve gotta be honest. I’m going to miss you.” Connor smiled.

Kylo felt a sudden pang, like he was doing the wrong thing. He wanted to see his family very much, show them how much he’d changed, how much he’d healed, but he was caught off-guard by how much he didn’t want to leave Connor and the little life he’d built here. In the past few months, he’d been… almost happy. As close as he could get, these days.

Kylo scratched the back of his head, and mulled over what he was going to say next. He’d been thinking about it all week, and just didn’t know if he’d have the courage to ask.

“Do you think… Do you think I might come back someday? I really like it here.” Kylo said, suddenly nervous about what the answer would be. He’d grown in a lot of ways, but the possibility of rejection still had a powerful hold over his mind.

“Oh, Kylo…” Conor started, and Kylo’s heart seized up. That was a bad tone, that meant no. That meant _I took pity on you because I felt guilty, but I’m glad to see the back of you. You’re a ping-pong ball to be shuffled between various people obligated to take care of you. Given the choice, nobody would want to keep you around for long. Only one person wanted that, and see how that turned out._

“It was just a dumb idea.” Kylo muttered.

“Kylo.” Connor said, taking Kylo’s hand gently. Kylo looked up at him fearfully. “I would be happy to have you. Come back anytime. Truly. I’ll be waiting.”

Kylo felt tears rise in his eyes, and he pushed them back. He truly hadn’t wanted to get emotional today. He was tired of baring himself for other people. “I didn’t think… I didn’t think anyone would want me around after everything.”

Connor squeezed his hand. “Well, I can’t speak for everyone, but I do.”

Kylo leaned forward, and Connor obliged him by pulling him into a hug. Kylo didn’t even flinch.

Connor knelt down and said goodbye to Henry, scratching him behind the ears in that spot he liked. Connor was the only person besides Kylo who Henry allowed to touch him in that spot. He hadn’t even let Leia scratch his ears. Henry thumped his tail and licked a long stripe up Connor’s face. Connor laughed and wiped the dog slobber off.

“I hope I’ll be seeing you around, Kylo. But even if I don’t… I think you’re going to be okay.” Connor said with a smile.

Kylo smiled back before heading for the concourse.

All the way through checking his luggage and going through security, Kylo felt okay. He felt good. Henry had been designated as a service animal, so he was allowed to come with him on the plane. Henry walked close by Kylo’s side, giving a stink eye to anyone who got too close.

Kylo sat down in his window seat. The plane was under booked, so he had the whole row to himself. As the plane took off, he gazed out the window, watching the ground fall away in a dizzying rush. After a few minutes, they pushed above the clouds and the sun glinted off the plane’s wing.

Kylo rested his head against the window, for once not thinking much of anything, just enjoying the still-novel sensations of being on his own, going someplace new. His wrists ached as they did whenever the weather was rainy or when the altitude shifted abruptly. He rubbed them absently, the slowly-fading lesions by now a familiar sight. He’d woken up before dawn this morning, positive that Hux was still alive, that he was in the next room, and he was very angry. He’d screamed himself hoarse before his waking mind could catch up to his panicked body. The nightmares still hadn’t gone away. He didn’t know if they ever would. The other day, he’d accidentally cut someone off in line at the grocery store, and when the man had started cursing him out, Kylo had frozen in fear, nearly falling over himself to apologize, hating the way his voice quavered and shook. He’d caught the tail-end of a spy movie on TV the other night, and when the hero had been carted off to be tortured, Kylo couldn’t help watching in fascination as the faceless bad guys broke all the fingers on his left hand. To Kylo’s mind, the actor’s screams weren’t terribly convincing, but he still felt sick at the sound of handcuffs clicking closed, and he ended the night in the bathroom heaving up what remained of his dinner.

He didn’t imagine these things were going to change. The nightmares might get fewer and far between, but they probably wouldn’t go away entirely. He would most likely limp for the rest of his life. He would probably always see Hux’s face in every cruel, authoritative man that crossed his path. Despite his best efforts to burn him out of his heart, deep down he would always still love him as much as he hated him, just a little bit.

Despite all that, Kylo thought Connor was right. He thought he would be okay. Right now, his plans consisted of getting off the plane on the other side, hugging his family and thanking them properly for saving his life. After that… he didn’t know. But that prospect didn’t seem so frightening anymore. He might live near home for good. He might stay for a little while and then come back to live with Connor. He hadn’t decided yet. And that space, that freedom to _choose_ , felt momentous. It felt like everything.

He’d survived. Despite everything, he was still here, maybe not in one piece, but at the very least still standing. He might limp, he might be injured, but at the end of the day, he was standing on his own two feet. These days, Hux’s grip on the back of his neck felt only like a shade of the real thing.

Kylo watched the clouds pass by down below. He pet Henry with one hand. He breathed deep. And for right now, that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's all, folks! This has truly been a wild story to write, and I really hope that the ending delivered :) Every single one of you that read and commented, I appreciate you! And everybody that's been reading this from the beginning, wow. Thanks for sticking with me through the end. The feedback I've gotten on this story has really meant a lot.
> 
> I mentioned this a couple chapters ago, but I'm working on another Kylo/Hux story that's similar shades of awful, so if you want Hux being an evil corporate lawyer and Kylo being a naive paralegal who's in way over his head, uh... stick around? I'll probably start posting that in the next few weeks or so, although, good GOD do I need a bit of a break after writing this.
> 
> I say this a lot, but for real, thanks for reading.


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